UPJOKE
puff upamplifymagnifyexpandexplodedetonateenlargeinflateincreaseswellexaggeratepuff outlardpuffembroider

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a man fails to blow up a building, but gives good sex advice, what will people say about him?

This Guy Fawkes.

The shop I normally go to to blow up my balloons has increased their price by 50%

That's inflation for you.

How much TNT does it take to blow up a country?

I don’t know, but the answer would probably blow your mind

My blow up doll is ugly as sin

But she always manages to take my breath away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won't know the difference.

30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first dru...

What did the English use to blow up their enemies ?

Tea N Tea.

How do you blow up a dinosaur?

With Dinomite.

How do you blow up a Muslim's iPhone?

Put it into airplane mode.

Why did the terrorist blow up the winery?

Because it was full of Zinfandels.

I took my blow up doll back to the shop, and said

"I only had this blown up for half an hour and it went down on me!"

The guy was most unsympathetic and said that if he'd known that, he'd have charged me an extra $30.

Who would blow up Jurassic Park? Really?

A dino might.

Did you hear about the Trump terrorist who tried to blow up a car?

He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe.

What happened to the Blonde who tried to blow up a School Bus?

She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

What do you get if you blow up a monkey?

Rhesus Pieces.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a lifelike blow up sex doll, it was so realistic it was like the real thing, I got carried away and gave it a love bite.

It farted and went down on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate went to Holland and bought me back a life size blow up dolly that gives blow jobs. I thought that's nice.

Two Lips from Amsterdam.

I got arrested for saying I’m gonna blow up a bathroom

I just wanted to take a sit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

10 ISIS suicide bombers decided to blow up a building

"We must pick a building that will have a mass effect on western culture" the leader says. So they research all the popular websites they can find and have decided on the reddit headquarters.

"YES!!" Another exclaimed! "We can not only dismantle their social construct but we can all attack ...

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.

My friend said he wondered what it's like to blow up...

So I handed him explosives and said "Here, go C4 yourself."

How many Nascar drivers does it take to blow up a jet dryer?

Just Juan

How come no one tries to blow up the Pope?

I thought he was inflatable.

Why do blow up dolls cost so damn much?

Inflation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you blow up an Indian ?

Press the red button on their forehead.

Why did the Spanish train aficionado blow up his trains?

He had loco motives.

I got a blow up doll, that was Made in Baghdad

Problem is... it blew itself up

What did the redditor say after a stranger gave him a piece of explosive gold?

Thanks for the gold, kind stranger

Edit: Wow didn’t expect this to blow up.

Moses

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the ...

The Hitman gets fired!

A very dumb fella wanted to be a Hitman for the Mafia. But he got fired after he failed miserably on his first job!

He burned his lips on the tailpipe of the car he was suppose to blow up!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scoutmaster

Dear Dad & Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we we're all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happen...

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to He...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two elderly men

Got wasted drunk one evening and decided to go to a brothel.
The madam seeing how out of it both of them were decided to give them blow up dolls instead of real women.

The next day the two old men met up again and started sharing their experiences of the previous night.

The first o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] When a woman buys a vibrator, it’s seen as a bit of naughty fun. But….

When a man orders a 240 vault Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blow up latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream with option of a moaner or panter in a 7.1 sound system, hes called a pervert

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good percentage of my friends are Nazis

That percentage is zero, that’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to have

Edit: Holy SHIT I did not expect this to blow up lmfao thank you for the awards!
and fuck da haterz

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A zoophile, a masochist and an arsonist get together

They're all bored out of their minds in their little apartment when a cat appears on the window.

The zoophile looks at it lustfully and says "I'm gonna hit that cat senseless and fuck it"

The arsonist gets excited and shouts "hell yeah!! And when you're done I can stick a firework up i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

Why can't you put a desk fan on its back?

Well, you could, but it would blow up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

I don't like over confident people

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit2: thanks for the gold!

Edit3: thanks for the platinum!

Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!

Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!

Edit6: thanks for the ternium!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

What do you get when you spell "man" backwards?

Flashbacks

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

Two ISIS guys are showing each other pictures of their children.

One says, "Ah, Fizal, they blow up so fast."

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

Andy was sent to prison

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of...

A traffic cop pulls over a guy for speeding.

As he approaches the car dorr he asks the driver for his license and the cars papers. The driver awnsers: i dont got a license and the car is stolen.
The cop was baffled and uttered: are you serious?! The driver awnsers: i'm always serious after a few lines of blow up my nose dude...
The cop:...

A guy walks into an adult toy store.

He walks up to the clerk and says, I'd like to buy a blow up doll." The clerk asks, "Male or female?" "Female." "Black or white" "White." "Christian or Muslim?" Curious, the guy says, "Muslim." "Regular or radicalized extremist?" The clerk asks. "What's the difference?" the guy says. "The radicali...

How do stars stand out from other stars?

They blow up.

a guy thing..

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I
was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in
between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I
smelled something funny, so of course, I che...

The Americans and Russians

at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's...

A magician on a cruise ship

Is doing magic for a particularly rough crowd. There's a man in the audience with a parrot in his shoulder that is giving away all the tricks.

Every time he does a card trick the bird would scream," Its up his sleeve."

Every time he makes something disappear the bird would scream," s...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.