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Birthday Card Jokes

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

I've only opened three birthday cards and I'm already £150 up!

God I love being a postman

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How is a birthday card like a masturbating knight?

Both of them came in the mail.

Birthday card

I opened my birthday card and loads of rice fell out.

I knew right away who sent it...

It was my Uncle Ben.

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I've been buying birthday cards for everyone at our local Tourette's Society.

It's the thought that cunts.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on Christmas Day.

It wasn't his actual birthday, but he wasn't going to tell Chuck Norris that.

As i handed my dad his 55th birthday card he started screaming...

Son, why did you buy me 55 birthday cards?!

I was really happy when I opened four birthday cards and found a total of $200 in them.

I love being a postman.

birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

I got a marvelous birthday card the other day

I got a marvelous birthday card in the mail the other day, but it was not addressed for me. So I went and added new stamps and mailed it back to the sender. You get a lot of karma for reposting.

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A rich man and a poor man both happen to be looking at birthday cards for their wives...

The rich man and poor man find out their wives share the same birthday.

The rich man proudly boasts what he got his wife for the special occasion.

"I got her a brand new Porsche **and** a diamond necklace. You see, if she doesn't like the car, I'll just give her the necklace! What di...

Why couldn't the Buddhist monk send his mother a birthday card via email?

He had no attachments.

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I heard a life tip that went; If you’re ever too embarrassed to buy something, get a birthday card with it.

The cashier wasn’t amused by the birthday tampons for my wife.

I need new jokes to write in people's birthday cards. The one I've been using for years is getting pretty stale:

"Happy Bird Day!" Then I draw a bird.

Thanks /r/jokes!

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I got a divorce for my birthday.

When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls.

When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.

We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her p...

Yesterday was my birthday

...and it was like every other day. I woke up and went downstairs, the wife made me coffee and breakfast but didn't wish me a happy birthday.

I helped get the kids ready for school and dropped them off on the way to work, but they didn't wish me a happy birthday either.

I thought I w...

A penguin goes into a pub...

At the bar the peanuts say:
"Nice tie Mr!"
In the toilets the condom machine says :
"You look stupid in that tie"
So he complains to the barman. The barman says :
"the peanuts are complimentary but the condom machine is out of order"

This was the best jo...

Dad joke for my birthday

I just opened my birthday card from my Dad...

"How time has flown, it only seems like 12 months since your last birthday"

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While driving I saw a guy on the side of the road with a sign that read "HANDJOB - $15+"

The + got me curious so I stopped. He tells me $15 gets you a dry handjob, $20 adds lube, $25 adds ball play and $30 adds a finger in the butt.

I went home and told my wife all about the handjob guy. I suggested that she could at least once a year, for my birthday, give me the $30 handjob spe...

Birthday present

An alcoholic looked at his calendar and noticed it was almost his sons 18th birthday. Being a drunk, he did not see his son very often, but felt he had to give something to his son for this momentous occasion. Having blown all his money on booze, he had an idea...

Two days later his son got a...

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I was making an apple pie and realised I was missing an important ingredient. [long]

I got a rather verbose birthday card some time back containing a story - this is my retelling of it:

I was making an apple pie and realised I was missing an important ingredient.

Unfortunately, I was up to my elbows in sticky mixture and didn't really want to have to go through the faf...

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