How does a Muslim close the door?

Islams it.

Islamic pubs and bars are the worst

You can't drink alcohol
Or dance.


Women can get Stoned though, no questions asked.

Q: How does every Islamic joke start?

A: By looking over your shoulder.

Why do islamic people dont play chess?

Because the woman can move freely

We all know Islam hates the West.

Turns out they hate the North, South and East just as much

Its not the Islamic suicide bombers you need to worry about...

Its the Buddhist ones - they keep coming back!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between heaven according to Islam and 60 engineering students?

12 virgins

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How do you know Jeffrey Epstein converted to Islam?

He was promised 72 virgins in the afterlife and he just couldn’t wait.

What did the hungry Islamic Terrorist say when he landed in Hawaii?

Aloha Snackbar.

What’s the difference between an islamic hide out and an Afghan pine nut farm?

I don’t know, I just fly the drones.

A non-Muslim guy and a Muslim woman are deeply in love

Guy converts to Islam and marries her.

Law says guy has to study Islam too.

Guy goes to a one-week Islamic crash course.

Guy finds out something new and says to his wife:

"Baby, guess who can have four wives now?"

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A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

I used to think that Islamic countries were tight on their drug laws...

...but that can't be right. They still let women get stoned, don't they?

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A Syrian kid in France.

A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him.
"No! From now on you are French and your n...

What do you call an Islamic capitalist?

Profit Muhammad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the sad state of my sex life, I have decided to convert to Islam.

My new name is Seldom Bin Laid.

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

British weather is a bit like Islam

It's sometimes sunni but it is usually shi'ite!

When Elon Musk converts to Islam

He'd be Elon Mosque.

A Mullah, a Priest, and a Rabbi go camping ...

A Mullah, a Priest, and a Rabbi go camping. While they're setting up their tents, they see a grizzly bear prowling in the distance.
The Mullah says, "I'm going to convert him to Islam." and walks off towards the bear. After 15 minutes, he comes back and says "I read to him from the Koran. Nothing...

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

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Why Islam is growing rapidly !!!

Father Francis of Bradford was unhappy that the church attendance had steadily declined in the past few years but the mosque across the street was jampacked every Friday.

So he invited the imam for a cup of tea and then finally brought up the topic

Imam :So tell me,what happens if a ma...

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Why is it so easy to find a prostitute in Islamic countries?

They're always just a stone's throw away.

I have a joke about Islamic financing

But there’s no interest .

What do you call an Islamic cow?

A Mooslim.

I have one Islam joke.

But, I'm afraid I also have one head.

A long time ago, in the middle east

There was a town where everyone worshipped many gods. But one day, a young boy arrived from afar, claiming to be a prophet sent by Allah. He told them to convert to Islam, or else they would receive divine punishment.

Naturally, the townspeople rejected his words, and they executed him in pub...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A devout Christian, Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar

The barternder approaches them as they get seated at the table.

The Christian guy: Jesus turned water into wine. It was the first miracle he performed. So I will go with some wine today.

The Jewish guy: Arak, the licorice flavored spirit is highly preffered in Isreal. It makes me feel ...

Sky News: Islamic State have been defeated.

Is that the opposite of being beheaded?.

What do you call a radically Islamic cowboy?

A yeehawdist

I started a fried chicken joint. In order to be halal, the chickens must be killed in the traditional Islamic manner:

It's pretty hard getting the little explosive-filled vests on them, though.

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Islamic Book Shop

I went into an Islamic book shop the other day. I was walking round, looking for a book but couldn't find what i wanted. Eventually, the cashier came over and asked if he could help. So i said "Do you happen to have the British Immigration Policy Book for Muslims"?
The cashier said angrily "Fuck ...

Snow isn't a problem in Islamic countries

But ISIS

After the Little Rascals Buckwheat converted to Islam...

He is now known as Kareem of Wheat

Sad Old Man

There once was an old man. During his life, he had started his own tech company, married a beautiful woman and had two children who moved on to be successful mechanical engineers. He also vehemently argued against Christianity, Buddhism and Islam and proclaimed that the only reasonable religious vie...

Amish Farmer

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts:
'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have sh-t in it.')

The kneeling man shouts ...

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Religious Shit

Taoism: Shit happens.

Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.

Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.

Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism: This shit happened befo...

Did you hear about that Islamic singer?

His songs were Shiite

Sinead O'Connor has converted to Islam and stated that she "no longer wants to spend time with white people". What a great loss...

For the Islam community.

The British Islamic Association has said there is no longer room for extremists within their mosques...

Although a waiting list has been set up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Islamic terrorist blows himself up and ascends to paradise.

When he gets there he's greeted by Allah and an elderly lady who immediately wraps her frail arms round the terrorist, removes her false teeth and gives him a huge sloppy kiss.

Confused, the terrorist says, "Allah, I'm sorry to question your benevolence, but I thought there would be 72 virgi...

The Jehovah's Witness don't seem to get the hint with my Koran, so...

Islam the door in their face

How many people did the Islamic suicide bomber intend to kill?

Allah them.

What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?

No more notes about the profit.

My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

You know what I have to say about Islamic dietary restrictions?

HA LAL

BREAKING NEWS: EMINEM just convert to Islam.

He is the real Muslim Shady.

A man walks through the Central Park in New York City

Suddenly he sees a dog attacking a small girl. He runs towards them, starts a fight with the dog and finally kills it. So he saves the life of the girl.

A policeman was watching them, walks to the man and says:

You are a hero! Tomorrow in the new York Times the first headline will be: ...

What do they call cows in Islam?

Moohammed

Muslim jokes

What happens when a Muslim gets mad



Islam’s the door

What do you call an Islamic place of worship in Ecuador?

A "mosquito"

What do you call an islamic crime syndicate?

A gang bang

What do radical Islamic wrappers spit?

Allahu Ak-BARS

My wife cooked me a beautiful Islamic dinner from the Middle Ages last night.

It was very Moorish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

Kermit the frog wanted to divorce Ms. Piggy

Due to him converting to Islam, he couldn't eat pork.

I thought of an idea for a new reality TV show...

It's about a group of Middle Easter Islamic terrorists that are entering their 40s. They stop buying an excessive amount of guns and explosives and instead start purchasing luxery cars and motorcycles. I call the show Midlife ISIS.

Survivor: Texas Edition

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas Edition".

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas then drive a circuit to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, Houston, Brownsville, Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, Amarillo, Abilen...

The weather were having is so islamic...

It's either Sunni or Shiite.

Islam is a religion of peace....

A piece of you over here...a piece of you over there.

A top Islamic cleric today condemned President Trump for being anti muslim

Trump tweeted back 'This is just fakir news'

What’s the Islamic equivalent of cafeteria Christianity?

Allah-cart.

What do you do if your Islamic dog bites you?

Muslim

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] How are radical Christianity and Islam similar?

They both fuck kids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does the Islamic State have sex education classes and driver's education in different weeks?

So it's not too hard on the goats.

Why did F and H not convert to Islam?

Because Jihad.

A couple are on a blind date. She, a New York realtor; he, a Russian businessman. After a lovely dinner, conversation turns to world affairs, and the man expresses some anti-Islamic views.

The woman is incensed, but the guy is cute so she decides to give him a second chance: “I don’t know what’s acceptable in Russia, but I don’t want to hear any of that bigoted rhetoric. Not another word! I’m going to the washroom to cool off and we’ll try again.” As the woman leaves the table the...

Why is chess banned in islam?

Cause the queen moves freely

What do you call a group of Islamic people living in poor housing?

Muslums

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Join Islam and you’ll get seventy virgins in the afterlife

Join Oxfam and you’ll get Haiti.

What's an Alcoholic Islamic extremists worst nightmare?

A-Locked-Bar

What did Mohammed Ali do after converting to Islam?

He-jab

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While walking through the mall I spotted the Islamic Book Store and I went in.

The clerk asked me, "can I help you?" I said, "yes, can you tell me where I can find Donald Trump's book on refugees?" He turned beet red and said, "eat shit, get the fuck out and stay out." I said, "yes, that's the one, now where is it located?"

Catholicism has 1.2 billion followers around the globe, second only to Islam with 1.8 billion

But that's okay because the Catholic church doesn't mind coming in a little behind.

What do you call Shakespeare’s works in Mecca?

Islamic pentameter

What do you call a Muslim on a toilet?

Islamic Relief

Religion

Catholic Priest: Don't you hate it when a sequel completely changes the franchise?

Rabbi: Don't I know it?

Islamic Priest: I like an artist that can reimagine the storyline.

Mormon: Then have I got the book for you!

A man is walking in Central park in New York....

A man is walking in Central park in New York sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.

He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.

He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A journalist arriving soon takes pictures and says: - "You are a hero, tomo...

What is the square root of the Quran?

Radical Islam.

Help! A terrorist is drowning!

This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around the marina, I noticed a man running down the dock toward me dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!" and "Death to all Infidels!", when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat be...

I went to the Islamic book store

I went to the Islamic book store in London and asked if they have the book about Muslim deportation.

The guy says get the hell out of here and never come back.
I replied yes that's the one, how much.

What do you call an Islamic militant Shakespeare?

The Allahu Ak-Bard.

Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven is an Islamic refugee

Cheating

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

What did Miss Piggy become when Kermit converted to Islam?

Haram-Bae

True story but potential to be a joke (my friends experience this morning on the train)

Woman jumps on the train this morning with a veil type hood covering her hair and her face where you see nothing but the eyes (I dont know religious garments but didn't really look like a religious garment to me). When she gets on, the guy next to her leans over and calmly whispers "You know we live...

A fat Hawaiian man recently converted to Islam

Aloha Snack-bar

What was the Islamic Star Wars fan for Halloween?

Hijabba the Hut

Once the Islamic State becomes recognized by the UN maybe they'll start entering the miss world contest...

...I bet their Miss Islamic State is going to be the bomb.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was pulled over by a terrorist

The terrorist said " If you are not Islam, you will die"

The man raised his hands and said "I am a muslim"

The terrorist then shouted "Prove it, recite a verse from the Quran"

The man recited "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given t...

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