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What's the difference between heaven according to Islam and 60 engineering students?

12 virgins

Islamic pubs and bars are the worst

You can't drink alcohol
Or dance.


Women can get Stoned though, no questions asked.

What’s the difference between an islamic hide out and an Afghan pine nut farm?

I don’t know, I just fly the drones.

Why do islamic people dont play chess?

Because the woman can move freely

We all know Islam hates the West.

Turns out they hate the North, South and East just as much

Its not the Islamic suicide bombers you need to worry about...

Its the Buddhist ones - they keep coming back!

BREAKING NEWS: EMINEM just convert to Islam.

He is the real Muslim Shady.

What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

Snow isn’t a problem is Islamic countries but....

ISIS

Did you hear about that Islamic singer?

His songs were Shiite

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I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

I used to think that Islamic countries were tight on their drug laws...

...but that can't be right. They still let women get stoned, don't they?

Q: How does every Islamic joke start?

A: By looking over your shoulder.

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I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

My wife cooked me a beautiful Islamic dinner from the Middle Ages last night.

It was very Moorish.

Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

How does a Muslim close the door?

Islams it.

Two Irishmen, Paddy and Colm, are sitting in a pub discussing religion.

Paddy says "I love the idea of religion but I can never really get into it. I never find the one that I feel I can fit into to, I've tried everything. I've tried Catholicism, Protestantism, Buddhism, Mormonism, even tried that Islamic one that I can't remember the name of."

"Shiite?" inquires...

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How do you know Jeffrey Epstein converted to Islam?

He was promised 72 virgins in the afterlife and he just couldn’t wait.

Islam is indeed a religion of peace.

A "peace" of you here, a "peace" of you there

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

What did the hungry Islamic Terrorist say when he landed in Hawaii?

Aloha Snackbar.

What do you call a Mexican girl who converts to Islam?

Dora the Exploder

Why is the British weather like Islam?

Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite

A Mullah, a Priest, and a Rabbi go camping ...

A Mullah, a Priest, and a Rabbi go camping. While they're setting up their tents, they see a grizzly bear prowling in the distance.
The Mullah says, "I'm going to convert him to Islam." and walks off towards the bear. After 15 minutes, he comes back and says "I read to him from the Koran. Nothing...

Sad Old Man

There once was an old man. During his life, he had started his own tech company, married a beautiful woman and had two children who moved on to be successful mechanical engineers. He also vehemently argued against Christianity, Buddhism and Islam and proclaimed that the only reasonable religious vie...

Islam is the true religion

After all, the universe started with an explosion.

Catholicism has 1.2 billion followers around the globe, second only to Islam with 1.8 billion

But that's okay because the Catholic church doesn't mind coming in a little behind.

My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

What do they call cows in Islam?

Moohammed

A long time ago, in the middle east

There was a town where everyone worshipped many gods. But one day, a young boy arrived from afar, claiming to be a prophet sent by Allah. He told them to convert to Islam, or else they would receive divine punishment.

Naturally, the townspeople rejected his words, and they executed him in pub...

TIL: ”Buckwheat” from the “Little Rascals” tv show converted to Islam...

His new name is “Kareem O Wheat”

Why did F and H not convert to Islam?

Because Jihad.

Amish Farmer

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts:
'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have sh-t in it.')

The kneeling man shouts ...

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A devout Christian, Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar

The barternder approaches them as they get seated at the table.

The Christian guy: Jesus turned water into wine. It was the first miracle he performed. So I will go with some wine today.

The Jewish guy: Arak, the licorice flavored spirit is highly preffered in Isreal. It makes me feel ...

What do you call an Islamic capitalist?

Profit Muhammad

Sinead O'Connor has converted to Islam and stated that she "no longer wants to spend time with white people". What a great loss...

For the Islam community.

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[NSFW] How are radical Christianity and Islam similar?

They both fuck kids.

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Why Islam is growing rapidly !!!

Father Francis of Bradford was unhappy that the church attendance had steadily declined in the past few years but the mosque across the street was jampacked every Friday.

So he invited the imam for a cup of tea and then finally brought up the topic

Imam :So tell me,what happens if a ma...

What do you call an Islamic place of worship in Ecuador?

A "mosquito"

2 christians were stranded in a desert.

The first was called John and the second was called Jack. They were extremely hungry and thirsty.

In the distance, they saw a mosque gleaming in the middle of no where.

John suggested to go and pay the mosque's Imam a visit and ask for some food and water. Jack agreed but suggested to ...

Sky News: Islamic State have been defeated.

Is that the opposite of being beheaded?.

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Why is it so easy to find a prostitute in Islamic countries?

They're always just a stone's throw away.

A man walks through the Central Park in New York City

Suddenly he sees a dog attacking a small girl. He runs towards them, starts a fight with the dog and finally kills it. So he saves the life of the girl.

A policeman was watching them, walks to the man and says:

You are a hero! Tomorrow in the new York Times the first headline will be: ...

How do muslims close doors?

They islam it.

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Religious Shit

Taoism: Shit happens.

Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.

Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.

Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism: This shit happened befo...

I was going to post a joke about radical Islam...

but I feel that would be self-destructive

You know what I have to say about Islamic dietary restrictions?

HA LAL

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Join Islam and you’ll get seventy virgins in the afterlife

Join Oxfam and you’ll get Haiti.

What do you call a cow that's converted to Islam?

A Mooslim

I started a fried chicken joint. In order to be halal, the chickens must be killed in the traditional Islamic manner:

It's pretty hard getting the little explosive-filled vests on them, though.

What do you call a radically Islamic cowboy?

A yeehawdist

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While walking through the mall I spotted the Islamic Book Store and I went in.

The clerk asked me, "can I help you?" I said, "yes, can you tell me where I can find Donald Trump's book on refugees?" He turned beet red and said, "eat shit, get the fuck out and stay out." I said, "yes, that's the one, now where is it located?"

Islam makes more sense than Christianity

Because the universe was created with the Big Bang.

How many people did the Islamic suicide bomber intend to kill?

Allah them.

Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ.

It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian

What do you do if your Islamic dog bites you?

Muslim

My gf asked me if gorilla meat was forbidden in Islam

My gf asked me if gorilla meat was forbidden in Islam.

I told her, "Yeah, it's haram, bae."

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A Syrian kid in France.

A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him.
"No! From now on you are French and your n...

A couple are on a blind date. She, a New York realtor; he, a Russian businessman. After a lovely dinner, conversation turns to world affairs, and the man expresses some anti-Islamic views.

The woman is incensed, but the guy is cute so she decides to give him a second chance: “I don’t know what’s acceptable in Russia, but I don’t want to hear any of that bigoted rhetoric. Not another word! I’m going to the washroom to cool off and we’ll try again.” As the woman leaves the table the...

What do you call a group of Islamic people living in poor housing?

Muslums

A woman converting to Islam

is like a black person converting to slavery.

Islam IS a RACE

to the 7th century.

What do you call an islamic crime syndicate?

A gang bang

What’s the Islamic equivalent of cafeteria Christianity?

Allah-cart.

I think I'm gonna fail my Women in Islam class

The course covers everything

A top Islamic cleric today condemned President Trump for being anti muslim

Trump tweeted back 'This is just fakir news'

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Islamic Book Shop

I went into an Islamic book shop the other day. I was walking round, looking for a book but couldn't find what i wanted. Eventually, the cashier came over and asked if he could help. So i said "Do you happen to have the British Immigration Policy Book for Muslims"?
The cashier said angrily "Fuck ...

Islam is not too popular these days.

So Muslims decided to hire the Mulla Nasreddin ad agency. The agency worked day and night. But due to strict new laws on false advertizing, regulators rejected most of their proposals. Finally after much thought the agency came up with the following slogans.

Islam, 2/3 less wrong than Christi...

What do radical Islamic wrappers spit?

Allahu Ak-BARS

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Why does the Islamic State have sex education classes and driver's education in different weeks?

So it's not too hard on the goats.

Why does Islam get angry if you criticize their religion?

Im not sure they always seem to blow things up out of proportion.

What do you call a beach where you go to shoot gorillas and break Islamic law?

Haram Bay

A rabbi, bishop, and islamic priest...

**Edit**: Changing the title to...

###An orthodox priest, a bishop, and a Rabbi

...are arguing over whose religion is the best. The bishop says, "We should convert the fiercest bear we can find to our religion, for only the best religion should help be able to convert such a ferocious...

The British Islamic Association has said there is no longer room for extremists within their mosques...

Although a waiting list has been set up.

What did Mohammed Ali do after converting to Islam?

He-jab

A fat Hawaiian man recently converted to Islam

Aloha Snack-bar

Scottish boy asks his dad about Islam

Son: "Ey dad, what is Islam?"

Dad: "Oh, well Sunni, it's a Shiite religion"

Which is an Islamic trait?

A.heading
B.heading
C.heading

I told my redneck uncle how I learned about the five pillars of Islam.

He said Muslims must all be a bunch of pansies. Just one pillar has always been enough for him, and he sleeps just fine!

What do you call an Islamic militant Shakespeare?

The Allahu Ak-Bard.

What did Miss Piggy become when Kermit converted to Islam?

Haram-Bae

About wearing the hijab...(x-post from /r/Islam)

I grew up in a fairly religious household and my parents are both practicing, despite that the hijab was never really something we talked about. My mom keeps a dupatta and wears hijab and burqa when she goes outside but she never taught me to wear it or ever enforced it on me. Recently, I started we...

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I'm going to make a calendar of sexy Islamic extremists

I will call it, Ji-hotties

Why is Islam so unethical towards its employees

Ironically, it's all about prophets

I've never heard a good joke about islam...

They've all been a bit shiite

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An Islamic terrorist blows himself up and ascends to paradise.

When he gets there he's greeted by Allah and an elderly lady who immediately wraps her frail arms round the terrorist, removes her false teeth and gives him a huge sloppy kiss.

Confused, the terrorist says, "Allah, I'm sorry to question your benevolence, but I thought there would be 72 virgi...

What's an Alcoholic Islamic extremists worst nightmare?

A-Locked-Bar

Islamic joke I saw somewhere

A man walking in New York’s Central Park sees a Rottweiler attacking a little girl. He subdues the dog and saves her life.

A passing Fox News reporter says: “You’re a hero. Tonight’s TV news bulletin will say: ‘Brave New Yorker Saves Child.”

The man replies: “I’m a tourist from Saudi A...

Where does the Islamic botanist go to pray?

In the Mossque.

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