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Islam Jokes

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I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

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Due to the sad state of my sex life, I have decided to convert to Islam.

My new name is Seldom Bin Laid.

Islamic pubs and bars are the worst

You can't drink alcohol
Or dance.


Women can get Stoned though, no questions asked.

Q: How does every Islamic joke start?

A: By looking over your shoulder.

We all know Islam hates the West.

Turns out they hate the North, South and East just as much

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Why Islam is growing rapidly !!!

Father Francis of Bradford was unhappy that the church attendance had steadily declined in the past few years but the mosque across the street was jampacked every Friday.

So he invited the imam for a cup of tea and then finally brought up the topic

Imam :So tell me,what happens if a ma...

How does a Muslim close the door?

Islams it.

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A Syrian kid in France.

A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him.
"No! From now on you are French and your n...

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How do you know Jeffrey Epstein converted to Islam?

He was promised 72 virgins in the afterlife and he just couldn’t wait.

Why do islamic people dont play chess?

Because the woman can move freely

Its not the Islamic suicide bombers you need to worry about...

Its the Buddhist ones - they keep coming back!

I have one Islam joke.

But, I'm afraid I also have one head.

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A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

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Islamic Book Shop

I went into an Islamic book shop the other day. I was walking round, looking for a book but couldn't find what i wanted. Eventually, the cashier came over and asked if he could help. So i said "Do you happen to have the British Immigration Policy Book for Muslims"?
The cashier said angrily "Fuck ...

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

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What's the difference between heaven according to Islam and 60 engineering students?

12 virgins

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Islamic fundamentalist‘s sexdolls

they blow themselves up

What do you call an Islamic capitalist?

Profit Muhammad

Islam IS a RACE

to the 7th century.

Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

Why is the British weather like Islam?

Because it’s either Sunni or Shi’ite.

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I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

I used to think that Islamic countries were tight on their drug laws...

...but that can't be right. They still let women get stoned, don't they?

What’s the difference between an islamic hide out and an Afghan pine nut farm?

I don’t know, I just fly the drones.

What did the hungry Islamic Terrorist say when he landed in Hawaii?

Aloha Snackbar.

A ca. 800 year old joke from Islamic folklore about Mullah Nasruddin

One day, a neighbor whom Mullah Nasruddin didn't like came to see him. The neighbor asked Nasruddin, "May I borrow your donkey?"

Nasruddin did not want to lend his donkey to the neighbor he didn't like. So, he told him, "I would be glad to loan you my donkey. Unfortunately, my brother came y...

If Elon converted to Islam, what would his Muslim name be?

Elon Mosque.

A man sees a kebab shop owner, who is cooking some meat, and asks him a question

"Islam?"

"Yes, is lamb."

If Kermit The Frog converted to Islam, would that make Miss Piggy...

Haram bae?

It’s a little sad that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries…

..Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

You know snow is not a problem in most Islamic countries but...

...ISIS

A cow, a goat, and a pig were trying to cross a river one late afternoon

Unfortunately, the river is home to a big mean alligator with a voracious appetite.

"We have no choice but to cross the river anyways, or we will starve on this side." says the cow and she crosses the river. Miraculously, she was unharmed. The gator only looks at her with indifference and let...

What’s an Islamic persons opinion of Muhammad?

They’re allah bout him

Why do many people keeping buying Mudéjar art?

Because it is Moor-ish!

>!I realise that this joke is relying on fairly uncommon words like Mudéjar, Moor and moreish - which will reduce how many people will enjoy the joke. But I didn't think that should stop it from being shared. Words explained below!<

>!Mudéjar art: Refer...

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A devout Christian, Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar

The barternder approaches them as they get seated at the table.

The Christian guy: Jesus turned water into wine. It was the first miracle he performed. So I will go with some wine today.

The Jewish guy: Arak, the licorice flavored spirit is highly preffered in Isreal. It makes me feel ...

A woman converting to Islam

is like a black person converting to slavery.

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A Muslim and a Christian get into a fight.

Christian: ever seen a cross? I’m gonna shove one up your ass.
Muslim: oh yeah?? Shove the five daily prayers up your ass.
Christian: WTF are the five daily prayers?
Muslim: they’re a pillar of Islam.

(hope it translates well, It’s more hilarious in Farsi)

I have a joke about Islamic financing

But there’s no interest .

What do you call a radically Islamic cowboy?

A yeehawdist

What do you call an Islamic cow?

A Mooslim.

A dog attacks a little girl

A man is walking in Central park in New York sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.
He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A journalist arriving soon takes pictures and says: \- "You are a hero, tomorrow ...

After the Little Rascals Buckwheat converted to Islam...

He is now known as Kareem of Wheat

Muslim scientists..

Muslim scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the dark ages.

They’re calling it ‘Islam’.

Which is an Islamic trait?

A.heading
B.heading
C.heading

The Jehovah's Witness don't seem to get the hint with my Koran, so...

Islam the door in their face

What do you get when you square root a Muslim?

Radical Islam.

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Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip...

That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes...

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Some Religious Truths

TAOISM: Shit happens

ZEN BUDDHISM: What is the sound of shit happening?

PROTESTANTISM: Let shit happen to someone else

ATHEISTS: Shit happens for no apparent reason

HARE KRISHNA: Shit happens/ Shit happens/ Happens, happens/ Shit happens

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say...

Islam is a religion of peace....

A piece of you over here...a piece of you over there.

I think I'm gonna fail my Women in Islam class

The course covers everything

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business...

...when a carload of gun toting, young and very loud tea partiers, shouting anti-Obama, anti-Muslim slogans, with a Gadsden flag duct taped on the trunk and a confederate flag taped to the hood, "All I need to know about Islam, I learned on 9/11" spray painted to the side, pulled up and stopped next...

My gf asked me if gorilla meat was forbidden in Islam

My gf asked me if gorilla meat was forbidden in Islam.

I told her, "Yeah, it's haram, bae."

What do you call a beach where you go to shoot gorillas and break Islamic law?

Haram Bay

An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.

It is believed to be so offensive that St Mary's church in Dublin have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy O'Neill from Dinlge has written a strongly worded letter.

When will the madness end?

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Join Islam and you’ll get seventy virgins in the afterlife

Join Oxfam and you’ll get Haiti.

What did Mohammed Ali do after converting to Islam?

He-jab

I told my redneck uncle how I learned about the five pillars of Islam.

He said Muslims must all be a bunch of pansies. Just one pillar has always been enough for him, and he sleeps just fine!

What do you do if your Islamic dog bites you?

Muslim

Sad Old Man

There once was an old man. During his life, he had started his own tech company, married a beautiful woman and had two children who moved on to be successful mechanical engineers. He also vehemently argued against Christianity, Buddhism and Islam and proclaimed that the only reasonable religious vie...

Why did F and H not convert to Islam?

Because Jihad.

Did you hear about that Islamic singer?

His songs were Shiite

"The Bachelor" in Islam would be interesting.

The show would only last one episode though. He'd take all 12 to be his wives.

What do they call cows in Islam?

Moohammed

My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

What do you call a group of Islamic people living in poor housing?

Muslums

Islamic joke I saw somewhere

A man walking in New York’s Central Park sees a Rottweiler attacking a little girl. He subdues the dog and saves her life.

A passing Fox News reporter says: “You’re a hero. Tonight’s TV news bulletin will say: ‘Brave New Yorker Saves Child.”

The man replies: “I’m a tourist from Saudi A...

My wife cooked me a beautiful Islamic dinner from the Middle Ages last night.

It was very Moorish.

Islam makes more sense than Christianity

Because the universe was created with the Big Bang.

A couple are on a blind date. She, a New York realtor; he, a Russian businessman. After a lovely dinner, conversation turns to world affairs, and the man expresses some anti-Islamic views.

The woman is incensed, but the guy is cute so she decides to give him a second chance: “I don’t know what’s acceptable in Russia, but I don’t want to hear any of that bigoted rhetoric. Not another word! I’m going to the washroom to cool off and we’ll try again.” As the woman leaves the table the...

What do Islamic McDonalds employees wear?

A cheeseburka

What do you call an Islamic place of worship in Ecuador?

A "mosquito"

A fat Hawaiian man recently converted to Islam

Aloha Snack-bar

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