UPJOKE
muhammadsunniquranchristianityreligionislamistindonesiamosquejerusalemangelshiachristianhalalarabsimam

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I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

Islamic pubs and bars are the worst

You can't drink alcohol
Or dance.


Women can get Stoned though, no questions asked.

Q: How does every Islamic joke start?

A: By looking over your shoulder.

What do you call a Mexican girl who converts to Islam?

Dora the Exploder

We all know Islam hates the West.

Turns out they hate the North, South and East just as much

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Why Islam is growing rapidly !!!

Father Francis of Bradford was unhappy that the church attendance had steadily declined in the past few years but the mosque across the street was jampacked every Friday.

So he invited the imam for a cup of tea and then finally brought up the topic

Imam :So tell me,what happens if a ma...

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How do you know Jeffrey Epstein converted to Islam?

He was promised 72 virgins in the afterlife and he just couldn’t wait.

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Due to the sad state of my sex life, I have decided to convert to Islam.

My new name is Seldom Bin Laid.

Snow isn’t a problem is Islamic countries but....

ISIS

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

Why do islamic people dont play chess?

Because the woman can move freely

Its not the Islamic suicide bombers you need to worry about...

Its the Buddhist ones - they keep coming back!

I was going to post a joke about radical Islam...

but I feel that would be self-destructive

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Islamic Book Shop

I went into an Islamic book shop the other day. I was walking round, looking for a book but couldn't find what i wanted. Eventually, the cashier came over and asked if he could help. So i said "Do you happen to have the British Immigration Policy Book for Muslims"?
The cashier said angrily "Fuck ...

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Why is it so easy to find a prostitute in Islamic countries?

They're always just a stone's throw away.

Islam IS a RACE

to the 7th century.

What did the hungry Islamic Terrorist say when he landed in Hawaii?

Aloha Snackbar.

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Islamic fundamentalist‘s sexdolls

they blow themselves up

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What's the difference between heaven according to Islam and 60 engineering students?

12 virgins

Islam is a religion of piece.

There's a piece of you over there, a piece over there, another over there..

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

What’s the difference between an islamic hide out and an Afghan pine nut farm?

I don’t know, I just fly the drones.

Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

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[NSFW] How are radical Christianity and Islam similar?

They both fuck kids.

I have one Islam joke.

But, I'm afraid I also have one head.

When Elon Musk converts to Islam

He'd be Elon Mosque.

What do you call an Islamic capitalist?

Profit Muhammad

I used to think that Islamic countries were tight on their drug laws...

...but that can't be right. They still let women get stoned, don't they?

A woman converting to Islam

is like a black person converting to slavery.

Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ.

It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian

If Kermit The Frog converted to Islam, would that make Miss Piggy...

Haram bae?

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I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

What do you call a radically Islamic cowboy?

A yeehawdist

The British Islamic Association has said there is no longer room for extremists within their mosques...

Although a waiting list has been set up.

What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

Eminem converted to Islam

Muslim shady

Why is the British weather like Islam?

Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite

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While walking through the mall I spotted the Islamic Book Store and I went in.

The clerk asked me, "can I help you?" I said, "yes, can you tell me where I can find Donald Trump's book on refugees?" He turned beet red and said, "eat shit, get the fuck out and stay out." I said, "yes, that's the one, now where is it located?"

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An Islamic terrorist blows himself up and ascends to paradise.

When he gets there he's greeted by Allah and an elderly lady who immediately wraps her frail arms round the terrorist, removes her false teeth and gives him a huge sloppy kiss.

Confused, the terrorist says, "Allah, I'm sorry to question your benevolence, but I thought there would be 72 virgi...

I have a joke about Islamic financing

But there’s no interest .

What do you call an Islamic cow?

A Mooslim.

A man sees a kebab shop owner, who is cooking some meat, and asks him a question

"Islam?"

"Yes, is lamb."

Catholicism has 1.2 billion followers around the globe, second only to Islam with 1.8 billion

But that's okay because the Catholic church doesn't mind coming in a little behind.

Sinead O'Connor has converted to Islam and stated that she "no longer wants to spend time with white people". What a great loss...

For the Islam community.

After the Little Rascals Buckwheat converted to Islam...

He is now known as Kareem of Wheat

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A Muslim and a Christian get into a fight.

Christian: ever seen a cross? I’m gonna shove one up your ass.
Muslim: oh yeah?? Shove the five daily prayers up your ass.
Christian: WTF are the five daily prayers?
Muslim: they’re a pillar of Islam.

(hope it translates well, It’s more hilarious in Farsi)

Did you hear about that Islamic singer?

His songs were Shiite

My gf asked me if gorilla meat was forbidden in Islam

My gf asked me if gorilla meat was forbidden in Islam.

I told her, "Yeah, it's haram, bae."

What do you call a beach where you go to shoot gorillas and break Islamic law?

Haram Bay

What do you do if your Islamic dog bites you?

Muslim

How is Islam like a GPS?

You may think you're on the right path, but if you follow it literally, you'll end up crashing into a building.

What do they call cows in Islam?

Moohammed

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Join Islam and you’ll get seventy virgins in the afterlife

Join Oxfam and you’ll get Haiti.

Which is an Islamic trait?

A.heading
B.heading
C.heading

Sky News: Islamic State have been defeated.

Is that the opposite of being beheaded?.

What did Mohammed Ali do after converting to Islam?

He-jab

My wife cooked me a beautiful Islamic dinner from the Middle Ages last night.

It was very Moorish.

Why did F and H not convert to Islam?

Because Jihad.

My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

I told my redneck uncle how I learned about the five pillars of Islam.

He said Muslims must all be a bunch of pansies. Just one pillar has always been enough for him, and he sleeps just fine!

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I'm going to make a calendar of sexy Islamic extremists

I will call it, Ji-hotties

About wearing the hijab...(x-post from /r/Islam)

I grew up in a fairly religious household and my parents are both practicing, despite that the hijab was never really something we talked about. My mom keeps a dupatta and wears hijab and burqa when she goes outside but she never taught me to wear it or ever enforced it on me. Recently, I started we...

Why is Islam so unethical towards its employees

Ironically, it's all about prophets

What do you call an islamic crime syndicate?

A gang bang

The mothers of two Islamic State jihadists are exchanging pictures of their sons

Mother 1 - ‘This is my boy as a baby, and this one him growing up to be a man, and this picture is just before he gave himself up for jihadi’.

Mother 2 - ‘So beautiful. You know, they blow up so quick’.

What do you call a group of Islamic people living in poor housing?

Muslums

A couple are on a blind date. She, a New York realtor; he, a Russian businessman. After a lovely dinner, conversation turns to world affairs, and the man expresses some anti-Islamic views.

The woman is incensed, but the guy is cute so she decides to give him a second chance: “I don’t know what’s acceptable in Russia, but I don’t want to hear any of that bigoted rhetoric. Not another word! I’m going to the washroom to cool off and we’ll try again.” As the woman leaves the table the...

How many people did the Islamic suicide bomber intend to kill?

Allah them.

An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.

It is believed to be so offensive that St Mary's church in Dublin have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy O'Neill from Dinlge has written a strongly worded letter.

When will the madness end?

What do radical Islamic wrappers spit?

Allahu Ak-BARS

What do you call an Islamic place of worship in Ecuador?

A "mosquito"

Islam makes more sense than Christianity

Because the universe was created with the Big Bang.

Islamic joke I saw somewhere

A man walking in New York’s Central Park sees a Rottweiler attacking a little girl. He subdues the dog and saves her life.

A passing Fox News reporter says: “You’re a hero. Tonight’s TV news bulletin will say: ‘Brave New Yorker Saves Child.”

The man replies: “I’m a tourist from Saudi A...

Knock Knock, Islam

Knock Knock


Who's there?


Allah


Allah who?


Allah who ackbar!!!!


***BOOM***

You know what I have to say about Islamic dietary restrictions?

HA LAL

What's an Alcoholic Islamic extremists worst nightmare?

A-Locked-Bar

What’s the Islamic equivalent of cafeteria Christianity?

Allah-cart.

I've never heard a good joke about islam...

They've all been a bit shiite

A fat Hawaiian man recently converted to Islam

Aloha Snack-bar

What do you call an Islamic militant Shakespeare?

The Allahu Ak-Bard.

What do Islamic McDonalds employees wear?

A cheeseburka

A top Islamic cleric today condemned President Trump for being anti muslim

Trump tweeted back 'This is just fakir news'

The Islamic State is hosting a music festival in Iraq.

The first annual Allahpalooza is sure to go off with a bang.

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