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Deathbed Jokes

Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...

Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."

Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."

A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed.

He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone. “Six months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.”

“Joe?” his wife asks. “But I thought you hated Joe.”

“I do,” the man answers.

A mother is on her deathbed...

A 90 year-old mother is on her deathbed. Summoning her last bit of strength, she lifts her head and whispers: "Is my beloved husband John here with me?" And John says, "Yes, I am here."
She then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes Moth...

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A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Commu...

26% of people on their deathbed tell a joke right before they die.

Not me. That's the last thing I'd ever do.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

"Moira, beautiful Moira. You were with me many years ago when the Germans took our home and so many of us suffered" to which his wife simply nodded.

"And years later, you were with me when my business failed...

A rich old man is on his deathbed...

...but he does not have any heirs. But he has three good friends - a teacher, a doctor, and a lawyer.

He calls them by his side and tells them, "I am dying. I wish to be buried with half my wealth. I will now give you $5 million each and you should bury half of that with my casket when I die....

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by

Then he spoke:“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been ...

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A jew in his deathbed...

A jew in his deathbed is surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.

As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:
-Why... is no one... in the shop.....

Tom Hanks, age 103, is on his deathbed...

The doctor at his bedside tells his family: "There's not much we can do at this point.

The family turns to Tom and asks him, "What are your wishes for the funeral, Burial or Cremation?"

Tom Hanks slowly lifts up a finger and points it towards his own body and says his last words .......

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On his deathbed, on old Jew tells his wife:

‘Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no?’ - ‘ Sure I was, Moshe’

‘When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me, no?- ‘ I was Moshe.’

‘And now you’re at my death bed, aren’t you?’ - ‘I am, darling’

‘I’m starting to think you...

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An old Jewish man is on his deathbed

And he asks for a priest. "A priest?" asks his concerned wife. "Don't you mean a rabbi?" No, no." is he adamant, "a priest, a catholic priest." His wife, fearing he is losing his mind, is still not convinced. "What do you need a priest for?" "I want to convert." Wife is naturally shocked. "Convert? ...

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, "We've been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was not rich in life, I would like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace."

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, a...

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

A woman is at her father’s deathbed.

She hasn’t seen him in years and now they only have a few moments left.
“Dad, I’m sorry,” she whispers.
“Goodbye, Sorry,” he says, “*I’m dead.*”

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Deathbed Instructions

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

· My son, "Bernie, I want you t...

A man is on his deathbed.

Long

A man is on his deathbed. He has three friends who come and visit him, being a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. He tells them, “I know you can’t take it with you. But I want to try. I’m giving you each $10,000 cash. When you come up to my coffin to pay your respects I want you to take ...

What did elderly redditor say on his deathbed?

TLDNR

A man is on his deathbed

He has 4 sons, the first 3 are strong and like him but the last one is weak and different from him.




He asks his wife "is our last son my son?", she replies "yes".




When the man has died his wife quietly whispers to herself "thank god he didn't ask about the oth...

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

A man on his deathbed is telling his friend his final wishes

Man: I have two final wishes

Friend: what are they?

Man: firstly I'd like my remains scattered over Disney Land

Friend: and?

Man: secondly, I don't want to be cremated.

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife...

"Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for...

There's an old man on his deathbed...

... sensing his time is near he beckens for his wife to join his side. She sits down next to him and clutches his hand and leans in to hear what he has to say.

In a shakey voice he says: "Maybel, when I die, I want you to marry Jenkins."

Taken back a moment, she looks at her husband an...

A men on his deathbed was speaking to his wife

"Dear wife. As I'm going to leave I need to make some confessions to you. You remember the time we went camping? I cheated on you with the hippies next tent."

"Oh Darling" answers the wife with a sorrowful face "I suspected it but it is forgiven."

The man continues "And when this nice ...

The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.

A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.

The man replies, "I just don't argue with stupid people."

The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."

The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."

A very wealthy man on his deathbed

Called his lawyer. He told him to give all he had, down to the last dollar to his wife. But he had one condition, that his wife must remarry within 30 days. "Why? ", asked the lawyer. The man told him, "There should be atleast one person that regrets I died".

A husband in the hospital is on his deathbed. He confesses to his wife...

Darling, my life is slipping away I want you to know that I've been unfaithful to you with 3 other women.

His wife holds his hand comfortingly and whispers, I Know. That's why I poisoned you.

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In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the member...

A greedy old man is in on his deathbed and calls for his son...

\-Father, did you call me? What do you want to say?
\-My son, this watch in our family for 5 generations and before i pass, i want to ask you if... you wanna buy it?

A man is on his deathbed addressing his young wife for the last time

"My darling wife, you are the love of my life and our bond is eternal. I don't want you to be with any other man after I'm gone. Will you promise me that?"

"Yes, of course", the wife replies with tears in her eyes.

"If you break this promise, I will roll over in my grave."

"You ...

Play Ball!

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to...

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A Catholic Irishman is on his deathbed.

He calls for his son, and tells him "My boy, go fetch the Anglican Pastor, I wish to convert before I die". His son is shocked! The father has been one of the most prominent Catholics in the community, he made large donations to the Church every year, attended Mass every day, and was close friends w...

Jock McTavish is on his deathbed...

His lifelong pal McGregor is sitting vigil by his side.

With his dying breath McTavish leans over and rasps. "There's a bottle of fine whisky under my bed. When I am gone, pour it over my grave. Promise me you'll do it man."

After a moments consideration McGregor replies. "Aye Jock, I'...

The old man in his deathbed looks his wife in the eye:

"Honey, please be honest with me. I'm not long for this world, and something has really been eating at me for a while.
I've always found our 6th son a bit weird...different, if you may. He has a different father from the other ones, hasn't he?"
The wife, in tears and sobbing uncontrollably, as...

An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.

An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital. His family comes to visit him as he his waking up from a deep sleep. He looks around the room in a daze and calls out to them.

"Padma, my beautiful wife, are you here"
"Yes I am here my husband", she says

"Kajol, my daughter, are...

Colonel Sanders was on his deathbed and all his family were sitting around his bed.

“You must tell us the secret ingredient so we can continue to sell your fried chicken” said his oldest child.

The Colonel barely able to move , beckoned his oldest child to him , “come…” he whispered before suddenly dying.

And they haven’t changed the recipe since.

Sorry, I mad...

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A wife on her deathbed.

An old man is at his wife's deathbed in their home.

The old woman whispers to her husband.

"My husband, I want to show you something before I pass."

The husband replies "what is it my dear? I'll do anything you ask.."

"I want you to open the chest locker at the foot of th...

Old woman on her deathbed

An old woman lays dying in the hospital after a long illness as her husband sits beside her. She says, "Darling, I want you to go home and look in my closet and pull down the box on the top shelf. I've been keeping a secret all these years."

The man goes home, pulls down the box and finds tha...

An old miser was on his deathbed.

Because of his obsession with money, he didn't have any friends, so surrounding him were his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer. He said to them, "They say you can't take it with you, but I want to prove them wrong. Each of you take one of these envelopes. They each contain $30,000. After they put m...

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

What did the Australian say to the guy on his deathbed?

"Have a good die."

An old Irish man from a traditionally catholic family is lying on his deathbed

All his family is gathered around them, when he tells them: „I have one last wish: I want to become a protestant.“
His family members are shocked, since they are all deeply catholic, but the man insists and it’s his last wish, so they get a protestant pastor, and the man became a protestant, the ...

A lawyer, laying on his deathbed..

... in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible.

Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it.
As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his...

An elderly Chinese man is on his deathbed. To his three sons he produces a small bundle of chopsticks… “My sons…” he murmurs, “these chopsticks…”

“I know, father!” says the eldest son. “These chopsticks are like your children, right?” The father shakes his head. “These chopsticks…” he tries again.

“I know, father!” says the middle son. “When we are united, we are unbreakable, right?” He begins with flex the bundle and true enough they...

A man is on his deathbed...

A man is on his deathbed. As he lies sick on the bed, he calls his wife over to him.

"Sarah... Sarah. We have been married for 26 years... Isn't that right Sarah?"

"Of course John. We have," Sarah replies.

"When I was hit by the truck when we first started dating," John says, "Y...

A man is on his deathbed with...

his wife by his side. In his faint, dying breath, he tells her that there were two times he suspected she cheated on him, and he would like to know the truth, the whole truth, before he dies.

Rather hesitantly, she agrees to tell him everything. "Well first," she begins, "remember when you lo...

An old man lies on his deathbed. The end is near and family is gathering.

His memories run through his head as he lies alone while people talk in the other room. Sad things, joyful things. So many joyful memories. He thinks he smells his favorite cookies baking. Wait, the smell is real! His wife is making cookies, something she has not done for years!

He rall...

Becky was on her deathbed...

Becky was on her deathbed.
Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.

My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love,"...

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An old Jew is on his deathbed. He gathered his three sons and says to them:

\- My children, I have always appreciated the ability to rest, and I will give my inheritance to the laziest of you. My eldest son, come to me.

\- Yes, dad.

\- If you were walking down the street and saw a wad of $100 bills, what would you do?

\- I would walk past them.

\...

On his deathbed a wife asks her husband about that closed drawer.

He gives her the key and says that he did put an egg there every time he was unfaithful.

The wife opens the drawer and finds two eggs and thousands of dollars in cash.

"OK, two times in 40 years is not that much. But what about the money?". "Every time I had a full dozen eggs I sold th...

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An atheist man married a devout Catholic woman.

The woman insisted they have a full catholic wedding, led by a priest and including the sacrament. The man loved her, so he capitulated.
Every Sunday the woman insisted they attend mass. The man loved her, so he capitulated.
When their children were born, the woman insisted on a Catholic c...

An old lady in her deathbed calls her husband for something important

"George, I want you to go in the attic and open the third drawer of the black polished furniture.
I want you to bring me what you find there."

The husband goes upstairs in the attic and finds the furniture near the entrance, he opens the third drawer and finds an egg box with 3 eggs in it,...

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Stingy man on his deathbed

An extremely cheap old man was on his deathbed, a few minutes away from drawing his last breath.

Throughout his life, he spent as little as possible and never said how much money he had, so his family were waiting for him to finally tell them about his wealth.

With all his relatives a...

A rabbi is on his deathbed...

...and a friend asks him if he has any last requests. The Rabbi asks his friend to find him a Catholic priest, so that he might convert.

Confused, his friend asks, "Rabbi, why? You have been a great teacher and leader of your followers, and you have led a good and honorable Jewish life. Why w...

Old soviet man is lying on his deathbed...

...as his end is nearing, he surprises everyone by inviting communist party secretary instead of priest, saying he wants to join the communist party before he dies.

"Why did you invite me here? Your whole life you didn't want to join, what changed your mind now?" wonders the communist officia...

An old Jewish Man is laying in his deathbed

He's about to say his final farewells and asks his wife to come close to him.

He asks, "Are my daughters here?"

His wife dutifully answers, "Yes, all you daughters are here with their partners and children."

He next asks, "Are my sons here?"

His wife replies, "Yes of cour...

John was on his deathbed

and his family was gathered near. Then his best friend Jim arrived and stood close to him. John's condition rapidly deteriorated and he motioned to something to write with. When offered, he quickly scribbled something and gave it to Jim. Out of respect, Jim placed it in his pocket as the nurses desp...

A Irishman is on his deathbed with a priest by his side.

The Irishman is surrounded by his wife, his two children and a priest and as he feels death near, states his will.
He says to his wife Mary,
"My dear wife, you are the love of my life, so you shall receive the houses in Belfast"
He says to his son Tim,
"Tim, you were always a good lad, s...

A Scotsman on his deathbed

A Scotsman was close to death, and asked that his sons be brought to him before it was too late.

The oldest son went in to see him and the father said:
“Son, I’m aboot to die, and I’d like ta gi ye a little somethin’ ta remember me by”

“Well, da, ye know I’ve always wanted a tartan ...

A man was on his deathbed when....

his wife said to him, “If you die, I’ll hang myself,”

he looked up at her and said:

“Do me the favour while I’m still alive.”

"Honey, I have to confess something", said the husband on his deathbed

"...I have cheated on you multiple times with you best friend, your sister, my secretary and a side piece"

Wife: "Sshhh, it's okay babe. Just relax and let the poison work"

Two old men had been best friends for years...

...and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in he...

You are lying on your deathbed

Your family and loved ones surround you, supporting you. You feel reassured, ready to move on, as your wife pulls the plug on life support.

As the machines wind down... you dont die. Your family is ecstatic, the doctors are bewildered. They all cry, saying it is a miracle.

Two hours l...

Dad on Deathbed

[Deathbed]

Dad: Don't put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I'm never turning this life support off!

Dad: because that would be...a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

(credit: @arfmeasures )

Husband is on his deathbed...

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my chil...

On his deathbed, the old man ...

... could smell his wife's fresh chocolate chip cookies from the kitchen. He decided to venture out of bed for one last bite of his favourite cookie before he died. He toppled out of bed and dragged himself to the stairs and managed to make his way down to the kitchen. Sure enough, there was a batch...

On her deathbed my wife said, "Sweety, I will see you in Heaven."

Since then I have kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an
orphanage!

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A Jew on his deathbed

A Jew is on his deathbed.

He asks his wife,"Is my son here?" "Yes" she replies.

"Is my my daughter here". "Yes" she replies tearfully.

"Then why the fuck is the fan of the next room on?"

Don't wait until your deathbed

to tell people how you really feel. You might be too weak to raise your middle finger by then.

A woman was on her deathbed...

A woman was on her deathbed with her husband at her side when she told her husband....

Wife: When I die I expect you to get re married.

Husband: No! No one could ever replace you.

Wife: It's OK, I know you and I know you'll get lonely.

Husband: No! I have the memory of ...

My grandad gave me some sound advice as he lay on his deathbed.

“It’s worth spending money on good speakers,” he told me.

A Jewish man on his deathbed is talking to his daughter.

The man smells noodle kugel (a traditional Jewish food) coming from the kitchen downstairs and reminds his daughter that it’s his favorite food. He asks her to go get him some for his last meal- he knows he will die very soon. The man’s daughter goes downstairs, and comes back with no kugel. The man...

An old Mob boss is on his deathbed.

He requests to see his 24 year old Grandson. He tells him, "Here grandson I want you to have this gun so you can remember me." The grandson not impressed says, "I don't care much for your gun although I love your beautiful Rolex watch grandpa."

Mob boss responds, "No child you need to listen....

A man asks for his wife on his deathbed

Man: Dear I have to tell you a secret.

Wife: You don’t have to.

Man: I must. I cannot leave this world with this secret. Please forgive me.

Wife: Ok, tell me.

Man: I have a mistress.

Wife: I know. I found out earlier today. Now stop resisting and let the rat poiso...

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A guy was on his deathbed...

..and telling his 3 sons that they'd disappointed him and how
"You, first son - so obsessed by money, you married a woman called Penny"
"Second son - fat, obsessed with sweets, you married a girl called Kandi, dear god, what have I raised"
The third son stood up and said "Come on Fann...

A man is on his deathbed with his wife at his side.

"Listen closely" - says the man - "I want you to promise me one thing before I die. Do not ever have a relationship with another man. For every man that you sleep with, I'll do a 360º spin in Heaven."

"Don't worry, darling, I promise", says his wife.

After a few days, the man passes aw...

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An old catholic irishman is lying on his deathbed.

He was strict in his religion and firm in his believe for his whole life, cursing the protestants and calvinists with every day he lived. But now, as he is surrounded by his 8 sons and 22 Grandchildren, waiting with him through these last hours, he beckons one of them closer.

"Bobby," he whis...

I'm an atheist, but I plan on converting to Christianity on my deathbed.

I figure better safe than sorry. I don't want to end up in hell with the Evangelicals.

An old man on his deathbed spent his entire life clinging to his money

Joke: An old man on his death bed has spent his entire life pinching pennies and clinging to all of his money. Friendless, he is surrounded by his priest, doctor, and lawyer. Just before he dies he tells them, "I know most people say that you can't bring money with you after you die, but I want you ...

My wife asked me if I was together with my mother on her deathbed?

I answered: Of course, who did you think held the pillow?

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Old man on his deathbed...

Old man is on his deathbed and smells cookies from the kitchen. With the last bit of strength in his body he drags himself out of bed and crawls to the kitchen. As he reaches for a cookie, his wife slaps his hand, “That’s for the funeral you bastard!”

A man is on his deathbed with his son next to him

He strains his muscles to get up and place a hand on his son's shoulder. He clears his throat and looks his son straight in the eyes.

"Tag you're it" He says

Then he dies

An old man was on his deathbed at home.

Suddenly, the aroma of his favorite cookies baking in the oven wafted up to him. My wife, still a doll! With all his might he pulled himself out of bed and walked shakily down the stairs. Wavering down the hallway and into the kitchen, he sees the first batch cooling on the counter.

He slowly...

A wealthy man was on his deathbed.

With his wife by his side he says : After all my years of hard work, I've finally made my millions, I need you to promise me when I die, you will bury me with all my money. I will honey, the wife replies. He takes his final breath. -At the funeral, the wife leans over his coffin, holding a briefcase...

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Why did John McLane take Viagra on his deathbed?

Because he wanted to.............

Die
Hard.

An ant is lying in its deathbed in North Korea.

He calls his son and says he wanted to tell him something for a long time.

Son Ant : What is it dad?

Father Ant : I cannot say that in this god forbidden country we have to move immediately to France or Italy before i am dead.

Confused,the Son Ant made arrangements to move to Fr...

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Old man is lying on his deathbed

He has 3 daughters that all are married. He tells them to call their husbands because he has last wish and he needs them.

When they come, he speaks to them: "It is a long time tradition in this family to put $1000 in a coffin of a dead person, because that grants him good life in another wor...

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A Jewish man in the Soviet Union is lying on his deathbed

His rabbi arrives and asks him if he would like his final rites.

The Jew replies “no, please sign me up as a member of the communist party”

“A member of the communist party? Are you insane?? Why on earth would you want to join them?” The rabbi asks incredulously

“Better one of...

An old man is at home on his deathbed...

The doctors have given him only a couple of days to live and he no longer has even the strength to stand on his own. He lays in bed, thinking back on his life - his children, his parents, and his beautiful wife of 55 years. As he lays there, remembering the good times, he begins to feel himself drif...

A man was on his deathbed when his wife called the local priest to administer the last rites.

When the priest came, he started giving the man a sermon about the 'washing away of our sins. The priest man then told the dying man to denounce Satan. "Let the Devil know, that you hate him and his evil ways," the priest said.

The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order to the ...

An old die-hard communist is on his deathbed

and he asks for a priest.

He wants to accept all the sacraments and become a full pledged Christian.

The priest is happy to oblige of course, but in the end he can't help to say: "So, when things finally got serious, you suddenly came to your senses, huh?"

"Yeah well, since I'm...

A priest visits a man on his deathbed...

When the priest walks over to the hospital bed, the man's condition worsens rapidly. He tries to speak, but can only produce a faint wheeze. Realising that the man is trying to utter his final words, the priest reaches for a pen and paper and gives it to him. As the man slowly hands the note back to...

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Irishman is on his deathbed...

Irishman is on his deathbed and he is laying there beckoning God to come take him soon for he has lived a long life. "Lord take me now!" He exclaims. As he is laying on his death bed he smells a familiar smell. "I know what that is! It is my Miss's oatmeal cookies. I would do anything for me miss's ...

A man way lying on his deathbed when he decided to make a confession to his wife

Man: I have to tell you the truth, I cheated on you with your best friend

Wife: I have to be honest with you too, I already know - that's why I poisoned you

An old man is on his deathbed, surrounded by his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. "Let me tell you a secret," he says.

"When I was a young lad, I lived life to the fullest. I had four or five girlfriends, drank gallons of beer every day, and owned a very expensive car. Then my friend suggested I should start a family. Otherwise, he said, no one would be there to bring me food when I was on my deathbed.

"So I ...

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A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family

-My beloved wife

-Im here my love

-My son, are you here?

-yes father, im here

-my beautiful daughter, youre also here

-yes dad, we are all here with you

-THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE THE KITCHEN LIGHTS ON?

A man lay on his deathbed...

He had maybe a day left to live when he suddenly smelled his wife's prizewinning chili! He dearly loved her chili more than anything else in the world, especially the way his wife cooked them which was known throughout the state of Texas.

With every last bit of energy left in his mind and bo...

My grandma asked for a comedian rather than a priest on her deathbed

Given she's currently on her death bed, please share your finest jokes I can send her off with.

Thanks r/jokes

An old man is lying on his deathbed.

Slipping peacefully away, he is half-aware of one sense after another fading, his sight growing dim, a blessed silence falling... and then something half-forgotten teases at his nose and he twitches as it registers. It's a delicious savoury scent wafting up the stairs - his wife's wonderful cheese s...

An old man is lying on his deathbed

An old man is lying on his deathbed, when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly-baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."

The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the fune...

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife:

"I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you th...

An Italian man is on his deathbed...

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.

"Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instea...

A Woman on her Deathbed

An elderly woman is laying on her deathbed with her husband at her side.

"Honey", she says, "I want to show you something. Go in to the closet and take down the box from the top shelf."

So her husband goes and does as he is asked and opens the box to find two handmade dolls and five th...

Macduff was on his deathbed.

He called on his good friend, Macleod, to visit him before he died. "Macleod," he said, "take that bottle of whisky on the bedside table. It's a Macallan 1951, brewed the year I was born. You'll never find a finer Scotch. When I am buried, I want you to pour it on my grave."

Macleod nodded so...

The caretaker of a generation ship is on his deathbed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

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A WWII Veteran on his deathbed...

turns to his son.

Father: "I think it's time I finally told you of how I escaped as a POW from the Germans".

Son: "I'm listening father"

Father: "It was the greatest plan ever concocted".

Son: "What was the plan called?"

Father: "It started off as a simple lie to o...

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An old man is on his deathbed...

He tells the Priest that his firstborn son can have the part of the city near the castle, his second son can now have the east part of the city near the Stables, and his third son to have the northern part of the city closest to the Shops. The old man shortly passed away after and the priest tells t...

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So old man Charles is lying on his deathbed.

His great nephew Peter comes to see him, and Charles gets to talking about his life and rambling on, like old men do.

He points out the window and says "Pete, you see that road out there? I built that road myself before there was a town here. I cleared the forest, I leveled the land, I laid t...

A millionaire is on his deathbed...

A millionaire is on his deathbed, about to lose his battle with cancer. In his final moments, he asks that his Priest, his doctor, and his lawyer come to see him. The three enter his room and walk up to his bed.

The dying man looks at the three and says "I have brought you all here for one ...

An old pastor on his deathbed asked a lawyer and an IRS agent to visit him.

When the two arrived in the pastor's room, the pastor based them to sit on either side of the bed.

After a bit, the lawyer asked "Reverend, why did you ask us here?"

The pastor responded, "Jesus died between two thieves, and I want to do the same."

What did Keanu Reeves say to the Grim Reaper on his deathbed?

“You’re breathtaking!”

The world's richest man is dying...

The world's richest man is dying. He has made peace with that.

But what is bothering him so much is that no one in the afterlife will even know that he has amassed such a colossal personal fortune. On Earth, everyone knows he's a self-made man who built this huge fortune from scratch, but he...

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An old multi-billionaire is lying on his deathbed...

And he calls his 3 best friends into the room.

 

"Now look," he says, "I know I won't be alive much longer, and you know I love my money. I want to prove to my family that you CAN take it with you when you go. So, to keep them from getting their greedy mitts on my money, I'm ...

An old man is on his deathbed and calls his whole family into his bedroom so he can make his peace.

After everyone seems to be there, the old man asks, "Are you absolutely sure everyone is in here?" No one is in any other part of the house?"

His son says, "Don't worry dad, everyone is here"

The dad says, " Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"

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Guy on his deathbed

So there is a guy lying in bed. He is catholic and a celtics fan. He's lying in bed, he's totally dying. He has very little time left.

All his family ask him, "Any last request?" And the guy's like, 'Aye, I wanna become a proddy (Protestant).

And the family are like "What? Really wha...

An old man was lying on his deathbed.

An old man was lying on his deathbed. His wife of forty years was holding his hand.

He looked at her and said “Margaret, It seems like you have always been with me when I was in need. Remember that time I fell down the stairs? You stayed with me. And when I lost my job? You were right there. ...

Whenever I get down or feel overwhelmed, I think back to my great uncle's final words to me from his deathbed, "be positive!"

That being said, I would have preferred he just answered the question I asked him about his blood type so we could have saved him.

Tom is lying on his deathbed while his wife is baking a cake in the kitchen

"Oh please Marie, can you give me a slice of that cake?"

"No," says his wife stern, "that's for after the funeral!"

An old Jewish man is lying on his deathbed with his wife Becky by his side. He looks to Becky and says "Many years ago Becky we were in Germany when the war began. Becky, you were by my side.

The Germans came and take us to their camps. Becky, you were by my side.

We leave Germany after the war and we come to London and we have very little money. Becky, you were by my side.

We buy the jewelers shop and we have some bad times, we were beaten and robbed. Becky, you were...

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My 92 year old husband was on his deathbed

My 92 year old husband was on his deathbed after a long illness, and I asked him whether, looking back over his long and eventful life, he had any regrets.

"The only thing I regret is that I never won anything," he told me.

I squeezed his hand, "yes you did," I smiled.

"You won ...

Another Iranian wife at the husband's deathbed

H: At this last moment, I have a question, have you ever cheated on me?

W: Only 3 times and all for your own good.

H: How so?

W: Remember in our town you wanted to join the soccer team and the coach rejected you but then later admitted you? That was in return of a favor I did....

What does the comedian say to his children on his deathbed?

"No one will appreciate your jokes once you're *dad.*"

On his deathbed, a man is asked if he wants anything said at his funeral.

"Oh look, he's moving."

A Christian Pastor Talks to a man on his deathbed

One night, A Christian pastor took his weekly walk over to see an old man in a hospital nearing death. The pastor walks in, talks to the man, and asks if he can pray for him. The old man agrees so the Pastor gets on his knees next to the bed and closes his eyes and begins praying. The pastor was dee...

An old Jewish man is on his deathbed, at home...

A very, very old Jewish man, realizing he is in his final days, decides to go the traditional way and let nature take its course in his own bed at home. One day things take a turn for the worse and he calls his adult children to his bedside. While his wife is preparing food in the kitchen, he shares...

What did the ram say as his lover lay on her deathbed?

There will never be another ewe.

On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican told his best friend that he was switching parties and becoming a Democrat.

“My God,” his friend replied, “why would you do such a thing?”

“Simple,” the man muttered in his last breath, “because I’d rather one of them die than one of us.”

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one:

The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. ...

A man lying on his deathbed called his three best friends to his side.

A man lying on his deathbed called his three best friends to his side. They were his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor.

"I am going to die tonight, and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you *can* take it all with you. So to you, my three most trusted friends, I’ve put 50,000 dollar...

A man on his deathbed told his wife he would like to make love one last time...

She replied "I'm the one who has to get up in the morning!"

I overheard some guy tell his sweet, old grandmother a joke about click-bait at her deathbed. What happened to her as a result will change your life forever!

Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened.

Stop clicking on click-bait!


(note/edit/whatever: I know this joke is a big gamble in terms of possible downvotes, but I just made it up and thought it was too good to not share with at least 1 person that might like it. Happy belated Hallowee...

A priest was breathing his last on his deathbed. He was asked by his family if he had any last wishes...

After a deep, troubled breath, he muttered, "nun".

A lawyer gets diagnosed with a terminal Illness.

On his deathbed, he asks for a Bible. The hospital staff thinks he has become religious now that his end is near. The doctor notices him going through every line carefully with a grave expression, so he asks, "what are you doing?". The lawyer looks up and replies dryly, "looking for a loophole."

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You can't take it with you

A wealthy man is on his deathbed. He tells his wife he thinks he has found a way to take his money with him when he dies. He asks her to put some money in a large suitcase and place it in the attic. When his soul leaves his body he'll grab the suitcase on his way to heaven. The wife obliges and does...

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”

“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid th...

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A man on his deathbed requested his wife, 3 sons, his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows...

"To my son, David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East End of London. To my other son, Michael, I leave the 4 penthouses in Chelsea, and finally to my eldest son, Kevin, I leave the big glass building near Tower Bridge."

With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said, ...

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