UPJOKE
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What does the moon do when it needs a haircut?

Eclipse it.




Sorry, my son was studying science and saw this joke. He wanted me to share it. Apparently upping his dad joke skills early.

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was...

A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen...

"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."

"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."

A priest goes to the barber for a haircut.

When it’s done, he asks the barber how much he owes.

“All free, friend. I consider it a service to God”.

The next morning when the barber goes to work, he sees a bunch of flowers and a Bible in the doorstep. The flowers come with a thank you card from the priest.

Presently, a po...

A balding man was getting a haircut.

The man’s barber said, “Do you know what they say if you’re bald in the front?”

“No,” the man said.

“They say you’re a thinker.”

“Oh?” the man said.

“Do you know what they say if you’re bald in the back?”

“No,” the man said.

“They say you’re a lover,” the ba...

Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.

It took half a century but Hippies finally won.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him a...

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. ...

What’s the priciest haircut of all time?

The chemotherapy

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Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the ...

Putin gets a haircut

Putin goes to the Kremlin barbershop to get a haircut. While cutting his hair, the barber keeps on and on asking and talking about the 'special operation' in Ukraine.

Putin snaps:

- You seem to be overly interested about Ukraine... Don't you understand what happens to people who are to...

I hated my haircut at first…

but now its starting to grow on me.

Not many people can brag about getting a handjob from the barber after a haircut

but then again not many people cut their own hair.



Ba dum tiss.

I did not like my haircut at first.

But then it grew on me.

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They're disgusted by his haircut, tattoos, and piercings. Later, when he leaves, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

What haircut does a Rastafarian ask for when he is questioning life?

Existential dreads

Free Haircuts

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.


A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber...

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A business man is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he's in need of a haircut and doesn't have much extra time...

He remembers there's a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he's back on his way.




A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.





"Hello again Sir." the barber says. "What can I do for you?"


<...

What’s a bee’s favorite haircut?

A buzzcut.

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i was singing a song when my barber got so excited during my haircut

the song was Dye Motherfucker Dye

A priest goes to get a haircut and a shave

A priest gets a haircut and a shave, and asks the barber "how much do i owe you?"

The barber says "for a man of the cloth like yourself, father, no charge"

The next morning when the barber opens the shop, he finds a bouquet of 12 flowers on his doorstep.

Later that day a buddhis...

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I said some terrible things to my mom as I was coming out of anesthesia. Told her that she was the ugliest fucking woman I had ever seen, and I hated her new short haircut..

Turns out it was my dad who came to pick me up, my mom was at home this whole time.

I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut..

i think she's planning to watch the highlights later..

What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?

A barberqueue

Where does the sheep get her haircut?

A the Baa-baa shop.

“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”

“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”

When I first got a haircut, I thought it was way too short,

But it's really growing on me.

My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused,

I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions.

Haircuts are great

Because I did none of the work but get all the credit.

Wife: Honey, how do you like my new haircut? Husband: Can I be honest? Wife: Sure. …

Husband: I slept with your sister.

A man has a sore throat and goes to the doctor...

Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."

Patient: "I want a second opinion!"

Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."

I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then moustache trim and wax.

It's my wife's birthday and I thought, "What the hell! I'll treat her."

I gave my pet bird a haircut and now he thinks he's James Bond

Well, I suppose he is a shorn canary

I got a haircut today

I think it's a little short, but it'll grow on me.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut

I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

Since quarantine I've not had a haircut. Hell, I've not even stepped on the scales. So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.

Who knew hair weighed so much?!

I've gotten a new haircut recently

At first I felt like it was too short, but I gotta say that it's starting to grow on me.

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Car or Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, t...

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An attractive woman is sitting alone at the bar and sees a man with a military-style haircut sitting by himself at the other end, nursing his drink.

The woman notices that the man is looking glum and hasn't made any attempt to speak to anyone besides the barkeep. She takes a swig of liquid courage, saunters down the bar, and sits next to the man.

"Excuse me, sir, but are you a soldier? I couldn't help but notice your haircut!" The woman ...

Hairdresser: Would you like a haircut ?

Boy: No, I’d like them all cut

Why are haircuts so cheap in Morocco?

Because they've got so many Berbers!

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Twinkie

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands right next to the barbers chair, while her father is getting his haircut, eating her snake cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you are going to get hair on your twinkie".

She says, "I know, I am going to get bo...

How does Tom Brady have a bad haircut before every game?

He always asks for the Super ‘Bowl Cut’.

My wife gave me a haircut on the balcony outside today

Cleanup was a breeze.

All this time I've been looking forward to when I can get a proper haircut again, and thinking I'll shave off this lockdown beard of mine.

But over the past year, it's gradually grown on me.

So i got a haircut yesterday

Im not entirely sure i like it yet, but I’m sure it’ll grow on me

Today my hairdresser gave me a bad haircut

But i think it is growing on me

"Was it a trainee?"

\- Not the best question to ask if your wife wants your opinion on her new haircut.

I was thinking about going to get a haircut after everything dies down.

But I don’t know anymore...

It’s growing on me

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Steve arrived early for his haircut appointment and was patiently waiting while the barber finished up with another customer

The customer was loudly bragging about how he is not only the best mailman in the area, but he has slept with numerous women over the course of his career.

“Why, I’ve even slept with every woman on Maple Street except one,” he boasted. Steve’s ears perked up because he and his wife live on M...

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A 12 year old boy walks into a barber shop

Once he arrives, the barber turns to a customer and says "check this kid out, he's the dumbest person I've ever seen. Here, watch this".

The barber then pulls out a dollar bill in one hand and 2 quarters in the other. "Hey Johnny, go ahead and pick which amount of money you want".

The...

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A man got a haircut that made him look like a penis.

Between you and me, that guy's a real dickhead.

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What's worse than a fat guy with a ridiculous haircut who's brainwashed his supporters into viewing him as a god whilst having his finger on the button for nuclear warfare?...

Two fat guys with ridiculous haircuts who've brainwashed their supporters into viewing them as gods whilst having their fingers on the buttons for nuclear warfare!


[Scariest of all is that it’s true :( ]

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A man goes to his barber to get a haircut.

As the barber is cutting his hair they start to chat a bit.

The man says “It’s me and my wives anniversary soon. We’re planning a trip to Rome as we've always wanted to go to Italy and really experience some authentic Italian food!”

“Ahh, don’t bother” says the barber. “The whole city ...

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

Dad, did you get a haircut?

No, I got them all cut!

How does the man on the moon get a haircut...

...eclipse it

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A man and a woman were having sex

Her: I want you to hurt me

Him: Your sister is more successful than you

Her: Wait

Him: Not a big fan of the new haircut

Her: Stoppp

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My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

I got a haircut today, but I'm never going back to that barber.

I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.

A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber and asks how much he owes him.

The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house."

The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves.

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.

A few days later, a ministe...

Help, my mom has a Karen haircut.

We may be going to an Applebee's, I don't want to speak with the manager.

A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?”

"Twelve dollars,” says the barber.

“And for a shave?”

“Ten dollars.”

“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, got a haircut and wore nicer clothes, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I 'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

What’s the worst place to complement someone’s haircut?

A leukemia treatment center.

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A little girl is getting a haircut in a barbershop.

About halfway through, she pulls a Hostess pastry out of her pocket, unwraps it, and begins eating.
The barber warns her, "Honey, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie..."
She beams up at him and says, "I know! I'm gonna get tits, too!"

I work at a barber shop and i recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut,

Everyone look suprised.

What does Bernie Sanders say when he gets a haircut?

Remove only the top 1% please.

Tom decided he needed a haircut, so he went to the barbershop

After getting his cut, he was making some small talk with his barber, when a boy no more then 10 walks in, and the barber whispers into Tom's ear "watch how dumb this kid is"
The barber walks over and greets the kid, holding his hands out, one hand with 5 Loonies, and there other with a 10 dollar...

One day the queen wanted a haircut.

No barber in England would do it.

Why?

God shave the Queen.

Thought I saw my first super hero today....

He was sprinting down the street wearing a cape....

Turns out, he hadn't paid for his haircut.

I went to a fortune teller for a haircut.

I got crystal bald.

I made fun of my brother getting a bald haircut

I turned around and saw the rest of the cancer patients staring at me

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