What does the moon do when it needs a haircut?

Eclipse it.




Sorry, my son was studying science and saw this joke. He wanted me to share it. Apparently upping his dad joke skills early.

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut and he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if ...

Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.

It took half a century but Hippies finally won.

Not many people can brag about getting a handjob from the barber after a haircut

but then again not many people cut their own hair.



Ba dum tiss.

My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused,

I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions.

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The Haircut

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a ...

Every Zodiac sign has a haircut . . .

Except Cancer (in honor of my dad who lost his hair to chemo!)

I got a haircut today

I think it's a little short, but it'll grow on me.

Today my hairdresser gave me a bad haircut

But i think it is growing on me

A balding man was getting a haircut.

The man’s barber said, “Do you know what they say if you’re bald in the front?”

“No,” the man said.

“They say you’re a thinker.”

“Oh?” the man said.

“Do you know what they say if you’re bald in the back?”

“No,” the man said.

“They say you’re a lover,” the ba...

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut

I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?

A barbercue.

What is the most expensive haircut?

Chemotherapy

The author of a number of vehemently anti-circumcision books goes to get a haircut...

Barber: “And what would you like?”

Author: “Just a little off the top please”

How does Tom Brady have a bad haircut before every game?

He always asks for the Super ‘Bowl Cut’.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I said some terrible things to my mom as I was coming out of anesthesia. Told her that she was the ugliest fucking woman I had ever seen, and I hated her new short haircut..

Turns out it was my dad who came to pick me up, my mom was at home this whole time.

What’s the worst place to complement someone’s haircut?

A leukemia treatment center.

Since quarantine I've not had a haircut. Hell, I've not even stepped on the scales. So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.

Who knew hair weighed so much?!

I got a haircut from an amputee barber

He did it single handedly

Where are all these sheep getting their haircuts?

At the baa-baa shop

I was thinking about going to get a haircut after everything dies down.

But I don’t know anymore...

It’s growing on me

My wife gave me a haircut on the balcony outside today

Cleanup was a breeze.

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A man got a haircut that made him look like a penis.

Between you and me, that guy's a real dickhead.

I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut..

i think she's planning to watch the highlights later..

James Bond was getting a haircut. Barber: Sir, you’re becoming old, your hair is turning grey. Should I colour them?

James Bond: No time to dye, dye another day

My grandma had dementia in her later years and would tell me this joke every time I saw her: When your appendix is removed it’s called an appendectomy. When your uterus is removed it’s called a hysterectomy. What’s it called when you have a growth removed from your head?

A haircut. (And she’d laugh every time! I miss her terribly.)

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him a...

At first I hated my new haircut

....then it grew on me

How does the man on the moon get a haircut...

...eclipse it

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I’d like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman. “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I’d like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied again.

She went home and got a haircut and new color, a new outfit, big sunglasses and a big hat. She then waited a few days before s...

I was nervous about getting my haircut, so my mum suggested that if I went in with a picture that it would help.

Now I'm sitting here even more nervous, with a photo of my old cat on my lap.

Dad, did you get a haircut?

No, I got them all cut!

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A punk youngling and an old man on a bus (REALLY NSFW)

The old man sat next to the punk, then looked at him curiously, specially his mohawk hair.

After some seconds, the punk got irritated and confronted him with a glare "What? What's with people nowdays thinking i am crazy just because of my haircut and livestyle?" he growled "Haven't you made a...

The best time to engage yourself in a long, self-reflection is...

....when you're getting a haircut.

Gentlemen walking down the street stops by the barber shop

He opens the door, sticks his head in and says, "Bob Peters here?"

Barber says, "Nope, we just do shaves and haircuts."

A small town's only barber was known for his arrogant, negative attitude.

When one of his regular customers came in and mentioned that he'd be going to Rome and hoped to meet the Pope, the barber's response was typical. "You, meet the Pope? Ha, don't make me laugh. The Pope only sees kings and presidents and queens. What would he want with you?"

A month later, the ...

A priest goes to get a haircut and a shave

A priest gets a haircut and a shave, and asks the barber "how much do i owe you?"

The barber says "for a man of the cloth like yourself, father, no charge"

The next morning when the barber opens the shop, he finds a bouquet of 12 flowers on his doorstep.

Later that day a buddhis...

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Steve arrived early for his haircut appointment and was patiently waiting while the barber finished up with another customer

The customer was loudly bragging about how he is not only the best mailman in the area, but he has slept with numerous women over the course of his career.

“Why, I’ve even slept with every woman on Maple Street except one,” he boasted. Steve’s ears perked up because he and his wife live on M...

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An attractive woman is sitting alone at the bar and sees a man with a military-style haircut sitting by himself at the other end, nursing his drink.

The woman notices that the man is looking glum and hasn't made any attempt to speak to anyone besides the barkeep. She takes a swig of liquid courage, saunters down the bar, and sits next to the man.

"Excuse me, sir, but are you a soldier? I couldn't help but notice your haircut!" The woman ...

Haircuts are great

Because I did none of the work but get all the credit.

“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”

“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”

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A man goes to Vatican to meet the Pope

A man goes to the Vatican to meet the Pope. When he arrives there is a long line of people waiting.

The man has a fresh haircut, wears his best suit and polishes his shoes to make sure he looks as good as possible.

The pope comes out and begins to bless and shake hands with the people ...

A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?”

"Twelve dollars,” says the barber.

“And for a shave?”

“Ten dollars.”

“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”

A man and a little boy go into the local barber shop.

The man has his hair done and then sits the young man in the chair.
"Now wait here when your finished, I'm just off to do some shopping." says the man and leaves without paying.

Two hours later, the boy's still waiting, when the barber says, "I think your Dad's forgotten you".

The...

I went to a fortune teller for a haircut.

I got crystal bald.

You’re so poor

That in order to get a haircut, you wait in the bushes for the gardener to come by.

What's the worst thing to say when your girlfriend's had a haircut?

"Was it a trainee?"

A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber and asks how much he owes him.

The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house."

The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves.

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.

A few days later, a ministe...

A catholic priest goes to a barber.

Once the haircut is finished, the priest reaches for his wallet. The barber says, "I cannot accept payment from a man of the cloth, it is my honor to cut the hair of a man of God." The next morning there are a dozen chocolates waiting at the barber's door from the priest.

Later that day, a Ba...

Little Bobby and the barber

A barber was cutting his customer's hair when he saw little Bobby walk by outside.

He said to his customer, "Watch this, this is the dumbest kid in the world."

He then went outside and held out his two hands.

One hand had 50 cents and the other had a dollar. He then asked Bobb...

Why didn’t the Rastafarian get a haircut?

He was dreading it

How does a barber give the Sun a haircut?

Eclipse it.

What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut? With thanks to my 9 year old

A Barbecue.

How long before I can get a haircut?

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" . The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours". The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks , "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber loo...

I work at a barber shop and i recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut,

Everyone look suprised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl is getting a haircut in a barbershop.

About halfway through, she pulls a Hostess pastry out of her pocket, unwraps it, and begins eating.
The barber warns her, "Honey, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie..."
She beams up at him and says, "I know! I'm gonna get tits, too!"

I got a haircut today, but I'm never going back to that barber.

I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.

There are two rival politicians are in a barbershop getting a haircut

One of the barbers takes out a bottle of cologne, and the first politician takes a whiff, and refuses it, saying that his wife will smell it and think he's been at a brothel.

The second politician laughs, and then he says "Go on, I'm fine with it because *my* wife doesn't know what a brothel ...

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So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thought I spotted the first English superhero earlier.

I saw a Liverpool man running down the road wearing a cape.

Turned out the fucker hadn't paid for his haircut.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to his barber to get a haircut.

As the barber is cutting his hair they start to chat a bit.

The man says “It’s me and my wives anniversary soon. We’re planning a trip to Rome as we've always wanted to go to Italy and really experience some authentic Italian food!”

“Ahh, don’t bother” says the barber. “The whole city ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's worse than a fat guy with a ridiculous haircut who's brainwashed his supporters into viewing him as a god whilst having his finger on the button for nuclear warfare?...

Two fat guys with ridiculous haircuts who've brainwashed their supporters into viewing them as gods whilst having their fingers on the buttons for nuclear warfare!


[Scariest of all is that it’s true :( ]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Car or Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, t...

Have You Seen Stevie Wonder's New Haircut?

He hasn't either.

One day the queen wanted a haircut.

No barber in England would do it.

Why?

God shave the Queen.

It's not everyday you can get a haircut and a hand job at the same time.

Then again, not everyone cuts their own hair.

Rapunzel got a haircut recently, but she wasn’t happy afterwards.

She said the experience made her lightheaded.

I went to get my haircut and told the barber not to take too much off.

He only took off his trousers.

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day.

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, ‘you do God’s work.’ The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused pay, ...

I made fun of my brother getting a bald haircut

I turned around and saw the rest of the cancer patients staring at me

A man goes to get his haircut and the barber asks, “Should I cut the hair in back?”

The man replies, “What’s wrong with doing it right here in the chair?”

If you have to cut your own hair during this pandemic, do it on the porch.

The haircut will still look terrible, but cleanup is a breeze.

In the news recently: men with funny haircuts fight to rule the world, throwing false accusations, their supporters being all fanatic about it all.

Come on guys, it’s only The World Cup.

What does Bernie Sanders say when he gets a haircut?

Remove only the top 1% please.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

Tom decided he needed a haircut, so he went to the barbershop

After getting his cut, he was making some small talk with his barber, when a boy no more then 10 walks in, and the barber whispers into Tom's ear "watch how dumb this kid is"
The barber walks over and greets the kid, holding his hands out, one hand with 5 Loonies, and there other with a 10 dollar...

Cristiano Ronaldo Went to the barbershop for a new haircut.

He went home to his girlfriend and asked, "Well what do you think?". She took a couple of minutes looking his new hair cut over and replied "Well... at least it's not Messi".

I have a plan to lose 10 pounds when the quarantine is over

I am going to get a haircut

Guy A signs up for a haircut promotion where he pays a one time fee of $100 for unlimited haircuts, whereas Guy B said no to the promotion. Why does Guy B feel so much pain every time he gets a hair cut?

Pay Per Cut.

Where does a sheep go for a haircut?

Replied with " at the baaaaaa baaaa shop"

Nearly Every Joke on r/jokes right now is like when Donald Trump gets his haircut.

The barber says " Nothing Authentic "

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