UPJOKE
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A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen...

"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."

"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was...

Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.

It took half a century but Hippies finally won.

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Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the ...

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses wai...

I didn't like my haircut at first.

But it's growing on me.

Haircuts are great

Because I did none of the work but get all the credit.

A priest goes to get a haircut and a shave

A priest gets a haircut and a shave, and asks the barber "how much do i owe you?"

The barber says "for a man of the cloth like yourself, father, no charge"

The next morning when the barber opens the shop, he finds a bouquet of 12 flowers on his doorstep.

Later that day a buddhis...

“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”

“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”

Where do sheep get their haircut?

At the Bah-Bah-Shop

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They're disgusted by his haircut, tattoos, and piercings. Later, when he leaves, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

Putin gets a haircut

Putin goes to the Kremlin barbershop to get a haircut. While cutting his hair, the barber keeps on and on asking and talking about the 'special operation' in Ukraine.

Putin snaps:

- You seem to be overly interested about Ukraine... Don't you understand what happens to people who are to...

My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut

I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"

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Car or Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, t...

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. ...

Free Haircuts

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.


A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber...

What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut?

A Barbecue.

What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut and then stepping back when the door opens…

A receding hair line.

Not everyone can brag about getting a handjob from their barber after a haircut...

But then again, not everyone cuts their own hair.

What’s a bee’s favorite haircut?

A buzzcut.

I got a haircut today

I think it's a little short, but it'll grow on me.

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What's worse than a fat guy with a ridiculous haircut who's brainwashed his supporters into viewing him as a god whilst having his finger on the button for nuclear warfare?...

Two fat guys with ridiculous haircuts who've brainwashed their supporters into viewing them as gods whilst having their fingers on the buttons for nuclear warfare!


[Scariest of all is that it’s true :( ]

I thought my haircut looked bad

But it’s growing on me

Whats the most expensive haircut?

***Chemotherapy***

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A man and a woman were having sex

Her: I want you to hurt me

Him: Your sister is more successful than you

Her: Wait

Him: Not a big fan of the new haircut

Her: Stoppp

I've gotten a new haircut recently

At first I felt like it was too short, but I gotta say that it's starting to grow on me.

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Rude customer

Fellow walks into a bank.

He hasn’t had a haircut for some time. He is wearing a T shirt with food stains on it, a pair of jeans with holes and two unmatched sandals. He has a can of beer in one hand and a piece of paper in the other.

He gives a loud belch and yells « Service! »<...

Some people say I don’t suit my haircut

But it grew on me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to his barber to get a haircut.

As the barber is cutting his hair they start to chat a bit.

The man says “It’s me and my wives anniversary soon. We’re planning a trip to Rome as we've always wanted to go to Italy and really experience some authentic Italian food!”

“Ahh, don’t bother” says the barber. “The whole city ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

There are two rival politicians are in a barbershop getting a haircut

One of the barbers takes out a bottle of cologne, and the first politician takes a whiff, and refuses it, saying that his wife will smell it and think he's been at a brothel.

The second politician laughs, and then he says "Go on, I'm fine with it because *my* wife doesn't know what a brothel ...

What haircut does a Rastafarian ask for when he is questioning life?

Existential dreads

Help, my mom has a Karen haircut.

We may be going to an Applebee's, I don't want to speak with the manager.

What does Bernie Sanders say when he gets a haircut?

Remove only the top 1% please.

A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?”

"Twelve dollars,” says the barber.

“And for a shave?”

“Ten dollars.”

“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”

I got a haircut today, but I'm never going back to that barber.

I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.

A man is getting his haircut at the barbershop...

A kid walks in and the barber says to his customer, "this is the dumbest kid in the world, look I'll prove it to you"

The barber takes out a dollar bill in one hand and 2 quarters in the other and proceeds to ask the kid, "Young man, which of these would you like?"

The kid thinks for a...

Why didn’t the Rastafarian get a haircut?

He was dreading it

Hairdresser: Would you like a haircut ?

Boy: No, I’d like them all cut

Why are haircuts so cheap in Morocco?

Because they've got so many Berbers!

So i got a haircut yesterday

Im not entirely sure i like it yet, but I’m sure it’ll grow on me

How does a barber give the Sun a haircut?

Eclipse it.

Dad, did you get a haircut?

No, I got them all cut!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl is getting a haircut in a barbershop.

About halfway through, she pulls a Hostess pastry out of her pocket, unwraps it, and begins eating.
The barber warns her, "Honey, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie..."
She beams up at him and says, "I know! I'm gonna get tits, too!"

I work at a barber shop and i recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut,

Everyone look suprised.

Getting a haircut is a lot like the first time with a new lover...

There isn't really any conversation besides some nervous laughter and her asking me "How long has it been?" and "Do you like that?" and I'm never sure how much tip is appropriate.

Then I pay her, say thanks, and leave.

Cristiano Ronaldo Went to the barbershop for a new haircut.

He went home to his girlfriend and asked, "Well what do you think?". She took a couple of minutes looking his new hair cut over and replied "Well... at least it's not Messi".

Rapunzel got a haircut recently, but she wasn’t happy afterwards.

She said the experience made her lightheaded.

One day the queen wanted a haircut.

No barber in England would do it.

Why?

God shave the Queen.

A man goes to get his haircut and the barber asks, “Should I cut the hair in back?”

The man replies, “What’s wrong with doing it right here in the chair?”

It's not everyday you can get a haircut and a hand job at the same time.

Then again, not everyone cuts their own hair.

A Buddhist monk, a priest, and a rabbi go to the barber for a haircut...

The priest goes in for a haircut first. When he was paying at the counter, the barber tells him that he is a man of god, so he doesn't have to pay. The priest thanks him, and the next morning the barber finds 10 gold coins on his counter.
The next day, the Buddhist monk goes in for a haircut. Whe...

I went to get my haircut and told the barber not to take too much off.

He only took off his trousers.

I made fun of my brother getting a bald haircut

I turned around and saw the rest of the cancer patients staring at me

I went to a fortune teller for a haircut.

I got crystal bald.

Nearly Every Joke on r/jokes right now is like when Donald Trump gets his haircut.

The barber says " Nothing Authentic "

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