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Biker Jokes

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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and ...

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A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.

She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off.

"Do you even own a bike?" he asks.

"I do. It's parked right outside."

"Do you swear?"

"More ...

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that ...

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The Biker and the Accountant

A large muscly rough looking biker riding the biggest baddest motorcycle you've ever seen chases a small nerdy accountant on a Moped across a lonely highway. He easily catches him and runs him off the road. In desperation, stumbling and crawling to get away, the accountant grabs a discarded glass ...

A biker is passing the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back...

Big Burly Biker walks into a bar

He sees this tiny nerdy looking guy staring at his filled drink and decides he wants to mess with him. The Biker walks over takes the glass and slams the drink in one swig. At this the nerdy guy just starts bawling like a baby.


The Biker filled with remorse tells him to calm down an...

A biker stops by the local Harley-Davison shop to have his bike repaired.

They couldn’t fix it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the farm store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside t...

An American biker decides to travel the world...

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Ha...

Rookie cop pulls over an old biker…

A rookie police officer pulls an old biker over for speeding:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Off...

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop.

They see a grizzled old-timer having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his...

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker look...

The biker gang is visiting one of their members in the hospital after his accident.

"How did you even crash?!"

"Well, it was late at night, and I was a bit buzzed, and I saw a pair of idiots riding on either side of the road. Thought I would just slip past between them and be fine."

"And?"

"It was a car."

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

An old drunk walks in the the toughest biker bar. He immediately Scans the crowd until he find the toughest biker in the bar

The guy is a Monster or a man and looks very dangerous. The old drunken man sits down on a bar stool next to him and says loudly, “Hey buddy! Hey! Tough guy! Why don’t you buy me a beer before I go home and go bang your mom!”

The crowd goes silent; they know this biker has killed for far les...

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A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at th...

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A lady is trying to join a biker gang...

Biker guy: "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

Her: "No, but I been swung around by the tits."

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Stat...

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot...

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Man is sitting in a bar staring at a shot glass, while a bartender cleans the table.

Suddenly a biker sits next to the man, grabs the shot and drinks it in one gulp before slamming the glass back in front of the man.

The man stares the glass for a second before bursting in hysterical sobs. Both the bartender and the biker stare at the man in suprise.

The bartender quic...

Polish biker

During the times of the cold war and the iron curtain, a Pole with a bike and a bag full of sand was crossing the border to east Germany. At the border control point the guard said:

\-Sir we need to search your bag for any smuggled goods.

They went through the bag and found nothing but...

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An 80 year old grandma wants to join an outlaw biker gang

The gang leader says "Well, do you have a bike?"

"Sure! I just bought a new Harley!"

"Are you ok with drugs?"

"I should hope so, I take 20 pills a day!"

"Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No, but I got swung around by the tits once!"

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, an...

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The biker and the dick

A biker is zooming along a country road on a hot Sunday in August.

Suddenly, he feels a hit on his helmet, stops, and realizes he has hit a little bird.

Unsure of what to do, he tucks it under h
is seat to take it home to help it recover.

He places it in the basement in a ...

A young city biker walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis

A young city biker walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD. Sturgis! He finally made it. He had several items on his must-do list, and this tavern was one of them. The chili, he'd been told, was world famous.

As he sits down at the bar, he notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, s...

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club...

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.

She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to me...

Bikers riding drunk

A cop was staking out the local pub for bikers riding drunk. At closing time, he sees a biker stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and fumble for his keys for five minutes.

When he finally gets on the bike, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, every...

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A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems The Doctor says "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" The biker replies..

...Yes Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!

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A big burly biker walks into a bar.....

......and yells out loudly, 'All lawyers are assholes.'

A small skinny guy at the end of the bar stands up and says, 'I resent that comment.'

The biker asks, 'Why, are you a lawyer?'

The skinny man replies, 'No, I'm an asshole.'

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Biker

Biker checks into a motel. tells the clerk to find him a tall skinny hooker . No tits no ass he says .

The clerk says Ill see what I can do .

About a hour later there's a knock on the door and there is a tall skinny hooker .

Ok says the biker come in and take off all your...

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A biker walks into a bar.

As he made his way to the bartender, he spotted a 30-ish y/o man sitting in his table with a serious look in his face, staring daggers at the cup of drink before him.

Feeling great for the day, the biker made his way to the sitting man and directly took his cup, and drank the whole thing as a...

A Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic, and a white trash biker...

Three men - a Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farm...

What does a mosquito and a biker have in common?

They're both really annoying but don't live long.

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A giant burly tough-as-nails biker dude barges into a bar...

A giant burly tough-as-nails biker dude barges into a bar and strolls up to the bar that already has wall to wall customers. He shoves everyone to one side and demands the bartender's attention. Everyone is immediately cowed into silence by the look of him.

"Gimme a shot of whiskey!" He barks...

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a
seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the
counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned ...

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Biker goes to Hell

One day a Biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil…

Satan: “Why so glum?”

Biker: “What do you think? I’m in hell!”


Satan: “Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?”...

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A Biker Walks Into A Yuppie Bar …

He yells at the top of his voice, “All Lawyers are assholes!”
A few moments later, a well dressed man in an Armani suit taps him on the shoulder and says, “I resent that remark!”
The Biker says, “Are you a Lawyer?”
The man replies, “No. I’m an asshole!”

God and the Biker, I will grant you one wish...

A biker was riding on a highway along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said: "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said: "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I  c...

An old nearly blind marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar

He sits down at the bar, squints through his old eyes, sees a woman at the end of the bar and gives her a wave.

She sees the old man, lifts her arm and gives him a big wave back, revealing a very hairy armpit.

The old marine says to the bartender “I’ll take a shot of whiskey, and sen...

Old Biker

Gruff old biker walks into a roadside dive.
Sign behind the bar says Beer $2.50
Cheeseburger $4.00
Hand-job $12.00
Biker motions for the lady working the counter to come over.
(Biker) "You the one giving hand-jobs?"
(Lady behind bar) "I sure am."
(Biker) "Well wash your hands, I...

Little old lady decides to join the Hell's Angels

A little old lady decides to join The Hell’s Angels so one day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, “I want to join your club.”

The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says sh...

A biker tries to pick up a girl in a nightclub

She thinks "Big hands, big feet, I'll try him out."

As she walks home in the morning, she thinks "Well, two out of three ain't bad!"

A biker gang comes into a transport cafe

and start picking on a little middle-aged man just sitting down to an all-day breakfast. They steal most of it, spit in his tea, and pull away his chair from under him, until eventually he gives up and walks out silently.

They laugh loudly and say to the waitress "He wasn't much of a man, was...

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The Biker at the Bank

A crusty old biker walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking ...

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Jesus goes into a biker bar

Jesus goes into a biker bar and sees 3 men drinking at noon. One with a hunch back, one with a bum knee, and an old redneck.

Jesus walks over to the hunch back, puts his hand on the man's back, which immediately straightens. Hunch back says, thank you jesus. I'm healed!

Jesus walks ove...

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A night with a biker...

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and ...

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A big, burly biker walks into a bar.

He's a monster of a man, and he walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. Bartender slides him the shot, the biker picks it up, looks to his right and says, "You're all a bunch of cocksuckers!" and downs the shot. The bar is quiet as he orders another shot. Bartender slides it over, he pi...

A reckless biker revved his bike up SO much...

... that St. Peter had to rebuild the Pearly Gates.

The Bikers

A biker with a racing bike brags before chopper bikers and dares them to race. Despite he's obviously faster, the oldest of the chopper bikers agrees. The racing biker wants to bet $1000, but the chopper owner has no money so they agree to race for the honor of the victory.

They get ready for...

A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway

While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't."
The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"
"Ever ...

A biker got into a terrible accident

He had been hit by a car and soon people rushed over to his side. It was crazy that the whole time he told everyone to look on the bright side, even though he was bleeding everywhere.

It wasn’t too long before people kept asking him for his blood type so that the medics would know, but the on...

What do you call a biker who doesn't believe in Santa?

Rebel without a Claus.

A guy dies and gets to the pearly gates

where st peter asks him
"son, to let you into heaven you must tell me one good thing you've done on earth"
the guy thinks for a minute and replies
"well, this one time i saw some some bikers out the front of a bar harassing a girl. So I walked over to the biggest biker, kicked his bike over...

Who was the first biker?



Moses... "...and the roar of his Triumph was heard all over the land..."

A man walks into a bikers pub

and asks in a high pitch voice, is the owner of the rottweiler who was barking outside here?

A 250lb biker stands up and with a low manly voice says, yes, why do you ask?


The guy with high pitch voice replies, my Chihuahua just killed your dog!

The biker runs out with dis...

An old guy walks into a biker bar...

... And sits down next to the leader of the gang.

"Your mom is pretty hot, you know?".

The biker chief sips his beer, sighs...

"Just go home, dad.".

A biker walks into a bar

and tells the bartender that he has a blonde joke. The bartender says, "I'd be careful saying a blonde joke here. On your left is a blonde lady that does mixed martial arts, and on your right is a blonde female cop. Not to mention, there are 3 blonde lady bartenders including myself. Are you sure yo...

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A guy looking for a fight...

A guy looking for a fight walks into a biker bar and shouts, "Donald Trump is an asshole."

The biggest guys in the bar gets in his face and warns him, "You better watch what you say around here."

"Why? Are you a Trump supporter?"

"No, I'm an asshole."

2 bikers going for a ride...

They decided to stop for a leak off the side of a bridge. As they're doing their business, one biker says "jeez, the water's cold". The other one says "jeez, the bottoms rough...".

A doctor, a lawyer and a biker are in a bar

Doctor say" tommorow is my anniversary, I bought my wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes, so if she doesn't like the ring, I know she'll like the Mercedes. Then shell know I love her".


Lawyer says "yea for my last anniversary I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. S...

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A blind man walks into a biker bar andvorders a beer

While supping on his beverage, he asks the barmaid if she would like to hear a blonde joke.

The barmaid, in a rather gruff tone says
"Listen here sir, because of your disability, i will warn you now, im 6'2", weigh 300 LBS and lift weights in my free time. Im also blonde, the young ...

A biker is travelling on the highway...

...suddenly, a sparrow crosses his path, and he has no time to avoid it. He sees in his mirror the poor little creature bounce on the pavement, then fall on its back.

Feeling guilty, he stops and picks up the unconscious bird. He gets home and put it in a cage with some bread and water.
...

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A woman decided to join a biker gang to see what it was like...

After talking with the club president, a burly tough-looking guy, she was told that she was going to be asked some questions that would be used to decide if she qualified. She had never done anything illegal and had no idea what they expected, so she decided to put on her best bad girl act to impres...

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The Biker and God

So God is watching this this biker as he rides in California, he was a real nasty guy in a biker gang, used to be a real bastard. Eventually he got married, had kids, left his life of crime behind him and became a really good guy. God then starts talking to him:
> So, you used to be a real bad...

Two Australians walk into a shady biker bar..

..somewhere in Texas. Inside of course is the whole gang drinking, music stops, crickets...
The boss of the gang asks:
“Did you come here to die?”
Australians respond:
“No, we came in yesterday “

A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle.

Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.
By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering. The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator. He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator's mouth. Snap! The...

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The flea and the biker's beard

A flea walks into a bar, shivering and sneezing. The curious bartender asks the flea whats the matter.
Flea: "I hitched a ride here in biker's beard. That motorcycle ride must be the coldest trip I ever had."
The bartender decides to give the flea some advice.
Bartender: "Next time seek out...

Old biker walks into a bar...

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50<...

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A Doctor, a Lawyer and a Biker

A Doctor, lawyer and a Biker were sitting outside of a cafe waiting for their wives to finish their shopping when the lawyer said to no one in particular. Tomorrow is my wives birthday. She always wanted an in ground Olympic sized pool. So I had one built and if she doesn't like that I bought her an...

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An old biker rolls up to a bar..

And takes a seat. He checks out the menu which says:

Beer - 2$
Cheeseburger 3$
Hamburger 4$
HandJob 15$

Some time later a smoking hot blonde saunters up to him and he asks 'Are you the one that gives the handjobs?'

'Yes I am,' She replies

'Good, wash your fucking...

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I once dated a biker chick for a while

It got quite annoying as once a month she would jump on her menstrual cycle and run me the fuck over!

Your momma so fat, the only people that will sleep with her are bikers....

They're used to riding hogs.

Two Irish farmers are walking down a road towards the pub, after a long days work, when they hear a motorcycle behind them. They are totally shocked to find that when the bike passes them, the biker is headless.

The two men look at each other and shrug.

They continue down the road because the call of the pub is getting stronger.

As they go, a cyclist comes up behind them and, on passing them, he too is seen to be headless.

The two old men shake their heads and continue to walk down t...

What do biker shorts and cheap hotels have in common?

No Ballroom.

A guy dies and is standing before St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven…

…St. Peter tells him, “We’re getting REALLY full in here, so please tell me something that you have done in your life that’s completely unselfish and deserving of getting into Heaven.”

The guy says, “Well, one day I was driving along a backroad when I came across a young woman that was being ...

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The World's Most Hardcore Biker

The world's most hardcore biker walks in to a bar while he's riding his bike across the country. He's wearing his ratty jeans, combat boots and his ragged leather vest showing off all his less than legal achievements. As he walks in, all eyes in the building fall upon him, his very stride exuding ma...

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Mean lookin biker dude walks in a bar...

... bellies up to the center of a "U" shaped bar and orders a beer. Bartender brings him a beer and he chugs it down. He looks to the left side of the bar with a scowl on his face and says "All you sittin over there are a bunch of motherfuckers. And if ya got anything to say about it... we can just ...

Why did the biker decline an invitation to the rally?

He was just two tired.

A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name

'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that h...

Three tough biker dudes...

...walk into a bar. They notice a skinny, bespectacled little guy sitting in the corner by himself, and decide to have some fun.

They order three beers, and one of the bikers says, "Charge these to that little runt over there in the corner." Then he calls over to the little guy, "Hey, Poind...

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An old lady wants to join a biker gang.

An old lady wants to join a biker gang so she goes down to the local biker bar and talks to the leader.

Biker: Lady I don't think you're cut out for this. We drink around the clock over here.

Old lady: That's not a problem. It may not look like it but I drink a fifth of Jack at night.<...

Did you know some bikers keep a little jar of vaseline in their pocket to protect their bike seat from the rain?

A biker was doing a big ride through a low dense inhabitated country. After a long drive not seeing a single person his bike breaks down. He starts pushing it and after a few hours of pushing it he stumbles across a single farmhouse in the distance.
He knocks on the door and the farmer opens. "W...

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A big, scary looking biker walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar, and the bartender says "what'll ya have?" The biker says "gimme a beer."

The bartender hands him a beer, and says "that'll be 3.50." The biker pulls out 350 pennies and scatters them all over the table.

The next evening, the exact same thing happens, and it c...

Man, after joining a Biker Gang: Do we or don’t we ride our bikes at the same speed?

Biker: Yes, we do. But stop calling it “synchronizing our cycles.”

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