UPJOKE
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Awhile Jokes

This will take awhile

Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.
"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede, but there's no answer from the box.
A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he holl...

Went to a rock concert awhile ago…

Pre-COVID of course, and it was absolutely jam-packed, people standing shoulder to shoulder, just enjoying the music. My friend standing next to me turned his head slightly
and said : totally awesome concert but I’m needing to go toilet and it’s so busy what am I gonna do?

I replied: pee ...

In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said “I have some sad news.”

“Tell me, old friend” said the faithful Tonto.

“Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer”

“Bad spirits,” replied his old companion.

The Lone Ranger look off into the distance for a minute. “After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?”


“Chemo, s...

A short nap once in awhile can prevent old age

Especially while driving

I haven't seen my Haphephobia friend in awhile

After talking with her I said I'll be in touch

A joke my dad told me awhile ago

How do you get a squirrel out of a tree?

Pull down you pants and show him your nuts.

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I met up with this girl the other night that also has a foot fetish...

I met up with this girl the other night that also has a foot fetish. When she got to my place, she asked if we could just masturbate to some foot porn together instead of having sex. It wasn't what I had in mind, but I agreed anyway. At the end of it, both of us felt pretty disgusted by the whole th...

What do you call an equestrian who hasn't got laid in awhile?

The Headless Horseman.

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

A man goes to see a doctor about a gas problem he's been having for awhile.

The Doctor's office is in the old market section of town and the man is impressed with the old marble walls, bronze accents and the tall, paned windows with hinged transom windows above them.

The doctor asks, "what's the trouble"?

The man say, "Well, I have this frrrrt gas problem. I ...

The Soviet army is marching in Finland

They hear a voice from the other side of a hill: One Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers. The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers. The Soviet genera...

Awhile ago I went to the supermarket and bought some self raising flour...

It’s been 6 months and I’m still looking after it!

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag
of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green
light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-
stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arriv...

I'd been suspicious of my wife for awhile so tonight I asked her if I was the only one she'd slept with last year.

Thankfully she said yes. The others were 7s and 8s.

A penguin broke down in Las Vegas.

A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.

When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he coul...

An Alligator sees you later, a Crocodile sees you in awhile. When does a Caiman see you?

This isn't a joke, I want answers. Please. I've never wanted to know anything more.

This bar that was near my house turned into a funeral home awhile back.

The place isn’t as alive as it used to be, but they’ve still got some cold ones in the freezer.

My New Years resolution for 2020 took me awhile to focus on but I think I’ve got it.

Clear vision

A guy and a girl are going to prom together.

She wants a new dress, so they spend time shopping for the dress and he stands in line for the checkout for a very long time, but eventually makes it to the counter to buy the dress for her.

She also asks for a corsage, so the guy goes to the floral shop to buy her a corsage. The line is ver...

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Two old folks at a home had been trying to have sex with each other for awhile

Finally during the big Christmas party the nurses weren’t looking and they snuck away to her room and got it on. When they were done he turned to her and caressed her hair and said “Darling, if I knew you were still a virgin I would have taken my time.” Then she said “Well If I knew you could still ...

Why does John Cena always take awhile to feel better when he's sick?

Because the Doctor can never see him.

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Heard this one on Comedy (Sirius Radio) awhile back. It's by the late Jay Hickman.

This boy was sitting on the sidewalk eating candy and then he would pick up a cat and bite it on the ass, then get up and move down the sidewalk and do the same - eat the candy, bite the cat on the ass, get up and move down the side walk. This guy driving by see this and says, "Hey, what are doing?...

Took awhile for the Trump administration to finally register and patent the cure for COVID-19 under...

ISO-LATE

A funny knock knock joke I've heard awhile ago...

*knock* *knock*
who's there?

Doctor

Doctor who?

...exactly!

A guy walks into a bar .........

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there mulling over his day he hears a high pitched voice say, “That shirt looks great on you!” The guy looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking no more of it. The voice, however, returns sayin...

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Old man goes up to a prostitute,

and says that he'll give her $100 to let him do weird things to her. She agrees and they go to a nearby motel. Inside the room she ducks to the bathroom to freshen up and undress,and comes back to find the old guy already in bed. She hops in with him,but to her surprise he doesn't touch her,and they...

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The Nigerian king

Agnes, a middle-aged New York widow is feeling very lonely one day, so she decides to bite the bullet and try internet dating. Her initial attempts don't go very well, as most of the contact she receives varies from dick pics to guys asking for nudes. She's about to give up when one day she's contac...

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddybears.

There are three shelves in...

10 yr old brother put a twist on this joke I saw awhile back. Why do the Irish serve up their chili with 139 beans?

Because one more would be one-farty bowl of chili!

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

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"Bro, that last chick was hot but...

...I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get with $3?" The Brothel Manager says: "Well, we can give you a Chimp."

Man takes the chimp into a room & gets down to business. Still unsatisfied, he goes back to the manager.

Man: "Hey man, the chimp was alright but I'm still horny as fuck....

A blonde and a lawyer are on a plane.

The lawyer keeps trying to get a blonde to play a game with him. After awhile she finally agrees.The lawyer explains the game to her. He says that he will ask her a question and if she can't answer it she will give him $50.Then she will ask him a question and if he can't answer it he will give her $...

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

A rather attractive woman after having been in the Pub awhile, goes up to the bar of this small rural Pub.

She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face ...

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "y...

Thank you r/jokes. I read this sub every morning at the beginning of my work day, laughing like a maniac till my hands and legs shake uncontrollably.

I just wish the kids on the school bus I'm driving would stop screaming in fear once in awhile.

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A joke a 70 year old man I met in a bar told me

A bunch of sperm cells are sitting around in a guy's balls. All of them are normal, except for one cell named Dave. Dave is lifting weights, doing push-ups, sit-ups, and running. The other sperm cells ask him what he's doing. He gives an answer:

"Listen guys, there are millions of us here. On...

A man goes to prison for robbery.

After getting sorted, processed, and settled, it's lights out and he gets ready to sleep. After a few minutes he hears someone yell out "Forty Six!" and the whole cell block erupts in laughter. A few more moments pass and someone else calls out "Sixteen!" and again, the whole cell block starts laugh...

So this guy goes to this fancy French restaurant and orders a bowl of soup.

The waiter brings it over to his table, and the guy starts eating. But after a minute or so, the guy discovers that there is a fly in the soup. Disgusted, he calls the waiter over and informs him of the problem.

The waiter leans down and studies the soup for awhile, then reaches for his cell...

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Old Man's Checkup

An old man goes in for an annual checkup. The doctor gives him the once over, and then asks "And when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955."

"Isn't that quite awhile ago."

"I don't see why It's only 1300 now."

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

Bob, Nora & Dan are fishing in Northern Wisconsin one summer.

Dan accidentally drops his sunglasses in the water and decides to go in after them. After awhile, he fails to come up and Bob & Nora both remember Dan can't swim. Bob goes in after him and after a bit, gets the body up into the boat.

After starting mouth-to-mouth. Bob says "I don't reca...

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An elderly woman is sitting behind two loud and boisterous Italian men on a bus.

The two men are drawing looks and glares from the rest of the riders, but aside from rolling her eyes from time to time, she keeps her thoughts to herself. The ride continues like this for awhile, until the woman hears the following exchange from one of the Italian men to the other:

"Emma com...

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin...

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.

“$300” – he replied.

“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.

The store manager said h...

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Jack is a talented drawer

Everything he draws looks real.

One day he draws a giant mosquito on the wall in his high school. After awhile, his teacher spots the mosquito and slaps it as hard as she can. Unfortunately she broke her arm. She finds out that this was jack’s drawing and takes him to the principals office. <...

A man barged into a confessional booth

He sits down and says “father I need to tell you, last night I was at the bar drinking when a gorgeous woman approached me and we started talking. After flirting together for awhile she asked if I would come back to her place”
“Go on” said the priest.
“Well, as we were leaving she ran into he...

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can’t find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to wher...

A man runs into his buddy at the bar and says to him, "You wouldn't believe it, but I've got a nympho sitting in my car in the parking lot.

But, she's completely wrecked me and I need a break, can't you go and keep her busy for awhile? The car's interior lights are broken, so she won't even know it's not me."His buddy agrees and goes to the car. As soon as he steps in they get busy in the back seat. A couple minutes later a police offic...

Why did it take up until last year for Volkswagen to finally manufacture electric cars in the United States?

Because it took them awhile to get the bugs worked out

A dad was washing his car with his son

After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"

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A husband and wife are watching TV

A husband and wife are watching TV at home. The husband keeps switching channels, between golf and porn. Golf to porn, golf to porn, golf to porn.
This goes on for awhile, before the wife had enough and yells
,"Jesus Christ! Just leave it on porn! You already know how to play golf!"

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right ...

A guy sits on a plane and realizes he’s sitting beside The Pope.

He’s too intimidated to say anything but after awhile The Pope taps him on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me my son, but I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I’m stuck. The clue is ‘a 4 letter word that you can call a woman’ and it ends with U-N-T.”

The man sits for a minute, stumped until he exc...

Weekly cult meetings

A cult holds weekly meetings and all members are expected to attend regularly. This week only two cultists show up. After waiting awkwardly for awhile making small talk, they realize no one else is coming.

Both of them are getting nervous and they admit to each other they missed last weeks c...

Two cannibals found a guy lost in the forest and decided to kill and eat him.

They thought that the best way to do it was for one to start at the head and the other to start at the feet and meet in the middle. After awhile, the cannibal at the top said, “How’s it going down there?” The other cannibal said, “I’m having a ball!” The first cannibal replied, “Well slow down, you’...

A miller tells the king his daughter Edith can spin straw into gold.

So the king locks Edith in a room with straw and tells her she will die if she can not spin straw into gold. After awhile a small man appears to the crying miller’s daughter.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What saddens you young girl?

EDITH: My father’s big mouth has gotten me in quite the predicame...

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’

The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’

The other bloke answers, ‘...

Did you hear about the competitive BDSM league's struggles with scoring separation?

Things have been all tied up for awhile.

I've never brought a gal home to my studio apartment.

Part of me is worried that she'll judge me. After all, the place is pretty small.

But the other part of me is worried that she'll get a terrible sleep. Earplugs help, but even then it takes awhile to get used to my dad's snoring.

Bills

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much. The twenty answered, I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the ...

A Ranger was given the job of

hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an aboriginal Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".

The Ranger scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothi...

You know the only good thing about quarantine?

I haven't seen a jehovah's witness in awhile.

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Spiritual Magic Fail

Jesus and Moses are hanging out at a lake when Moses asks Jesus, "When was the last time you've used your powers, feels like it's been ages!"

Jesus replies, "It's definitely been awhile but let's test them out!"

Moses stands up, rubs his hands together and points them at the lake and s...

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg!

PS: Probably an old repost but I haven't seen it in awhile and it's a favorite of mine.

Questionable Morals

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling Out of ...

I told my wife...

I told my wife I had some good news and some bad news.


"What's the good news?" she asked.

"I'll be working from home for awhile."

"What's the bad news?"

"I'll be working from home for awhile."

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The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, suddenly asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, ...don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minut...

A soldier in the middle of a war walks up to his commander...

"Commander, I have an issue. What am I doing here?"

The commander stunned, answered:

"What do you mean? You're here because you're at war with the enemy!"

The soldier looked around and asked:

"Who is my enemy?"

The commander irritatingly pointed to the enemy base.<...

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Three men get lost in the woods...

As they search for a path out together they accidentally stumble into the part of the woods ruled by fairies. The fairy King is not impressed with intruders and orders them executed. They beg for their lives and the King decides they shall complete a two part challenge to be shown the way out.
<...

Putin dies and goes to hell.

He's met by the devil, who explains to him that he will be shown three different floors and he has to choose which one to spend eternity in.

The devil takes Putin to the first floor where everyone is standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Anytime someone started to tip or fall over, litt...

So a baby seal walks into a club.

Ooops didn't read the rules. But it's a short one. Been awhile since the seal hunters got a lot of publicity though.

A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking bette...

Feeling a bit depressed lately, a friend came over to cheer me up.

We sit and talk about things for awhile, but he's normally pretty awkward when conversation gets personal. Eventually, he gets up and walks to the other side of the room.

He grabs a bottle of scotch that I've been saving for a special occasion, so I ask him, "what are you doing? I don't thin...

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

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A zoo in CA has a rare gorilla. The last known female of that particular species.

Turns out a zoo in Tokyo has a male version of the gorilla. They decide to ship the male gorilla from Japan to the US to mate and save the species. The American zoo keepers start to worry because their female gorilla has never had sex before. The decision is made they need to warm her up to help wit...

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts.

(Not my own joke. Heard it somewhere awhile back.)

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A hunter wants his wife to go hunting with him

His wife says she doesn't want to go. The husband replies, "Well, if you're not going with me. I want either a blow job or to butt fuck you, your choice. I'm going to go outside and get the dog ready."

So while the husband was outside, the wife thinks about it for awhile and decides to give h...

God will save me

A man was out swimming one morning when suddenly he was swept out to sea. The man didn't panic though, for he knew in his heart, that God would save him. After treading water some time, along comes a kid on a small sail boat.
The kid see the man, waves,

"Howdy mister! Need some help?" <...

Two bats are going for their midnight feed

After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."

After awhile the se...

The ghost of Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin...

appears before Russian president Vladimir Putin and says, “I’ve got two pieces of advice for you; kill your political opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.”

Putin ponders this for awhile, then replies, “Why blue?”

Larry Goes To Get Prayer For His Hearing

Larry goes to the revival and listens to the preacher.
After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Larry gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:
"Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

...

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A colonel in the French Foreign Legion was given command of an isolated outpost in the middle of the desert.

On his first day, he had his sergeant show him around. He noticed that there was a solitary camel tied up behind the enlisted men's barracks. "Sergeant," said the colonel, "what is that camel doing there?"

"Well, sir," the sergeant answered, "the men are out here in the desert for so long, an...

NSFW - Two travellers are walking separate paths...a Scotsman and an Irishman....

The paths merge and they see each other....and acknowledge each other silently...and continue walking side by side.

After awhile, they come across a stone fence with a sheep stuck with its' head in it. The Scotsman turns to the Irishman and says "Och lad! Ya don' get many chances like this!"<...

They recently removed the urinal from our mens washroom at work...

I really miss that urinal. I mean I missed it once in awhile when it was there... But now I really miss it!

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A guy walks into a bar with a frog...

...and sits down to order a drink, setting his frog (in its cage) on the bar. A few seats away from him sits a beautiful, young woman. They're the only two at the bar, so after awhile, with curiosity eating away at her, she asks,

"So what's with the frog?"

The guy responds, "Well, he's...

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My wife told me to do the god damned dishes

This happened awhile back when I was still married.

I was playing video games when my wife told me to get my lazy ass into the kitchen to do the god damned dishes

Awhile later she came back and freaked out when she saw I hadn't done any of the dishes.

I calmly explained to her t...

A freshly minted U.S Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan

A freshly minted U.S. Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan. He walks around the base and sees everything is regulation except there’s a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.

The lieutenant asks one of the men who has been there awhile why there’s a camel. The soldier e...

I can't remember the last time I listened to Staind

but its been awhile.

Grammar Lesson.

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for consultation with a Native American Indian medicine man (on a nearby reservation) who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and sa...

What did the Easter Egg say to the Boiling Water?

It’s gonna take me awhile to get hard. I just got laid by some chick.

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Old geezers sharing jokes

Group of old geezers been getting together at the same bar for decades. They always tell each other jokes. After awhile they know all the jokes so well, they just designate a number. Like ole Joe would say, 103, and everybody would be laughing their ass off. One day a toothless Jack said 10,587!...

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I'm a hunter, and I shot a deer that was on my neighbor's property.

My neighbor came out at the sound of the gunshot and saw the deer. It was clean kill, and the animal was perfect for venison. As I ran up to retrieve it, my neighbor met me there.

"Hey, this deer is mine" he shouted as I approached him.

"No, it's mine. I killed it!" I responded back.<...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson decide to go camping.

They pack their camping gear into the car and drive into the countryside. After a long drive and a light dinner they pitch their tent, climb inside, and are soon fast asleep in their sleeping bags.

In the middle of the night Sherlock shakes Watson awake. He points to the full moon and says, "...

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A zoo bought a female gorilla

About a week after buying a gorilla the zookeepers noticed the gorilla became extremely aggressive. There was nothing they could do to console the gorilla. After awhile even when they fed the gorilla it would refuse to eat and throw its food against the wall.

After this went on for awhile the...

I had a joke about erectile dysfunction saved on my phone...

but it's taking awhile to get up

An old woman was sitting in her rocker by the fireplace one night when all of a sudden a genie appeared and promised to grant one wish.

An old woman was sitting in her rocker by the fireplace one night when all of a sudden a genie appeared and promised to grant one wish. She thought about it for quite awhile then looking down at her faithful cat Tom, she asked the genie to transform the pet into a handsome prince who would love her...

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A woman was sitting next to a man on a plane who kept sneezing and then shaking violently for several seconds thereafter.

After awhile, she got curious and asked, "are you feeling okay? I've noticed that you shake a lot after each sneeze."

The man said, "yes, I just have a condition where whenever I sneeze I have an intense orgasm."

The woman said, "oh, my! I can see how that could be very inconvenient....

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A Soviet citizen, a Texan and an Australian walk in to a bar

The Texan stands up on his barstool and shoots the cap of his beer and says “my name is bill, buffalo bill”

Then the Australian stands up and throws a boomerang around the room before knocking the cap of his beer and saying “ my name is bill, boomerang bill”

Then the Soviet sits for a ...

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Gave my wife a baby shower and she was mad

Took her awhile to clean the cum out her eyes and hair

Earring no tales

Im on my lunch break at work and I notice a co-worker stroll in the lunch room so I offer him a seat. Were talking about the Dallas game, when I notice an earring in his right ear. No big deal, but this guy is pretty conservative with his work attire, so I felt obliged to ask him about his new acces...

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A cleaner knocks on the door of a hotel room

After waiting awhile an Asian man answers the door. Cleaner says "Hey mate, where's ur bin?"
The man replies "I bin on the loo"
the cleaner says "no, where's ur dust bin"
to which he replies "I dust bin on the loo"
cleaner gets a bit annoyed "NO, where's ur wheelie bin" Asian man says "...

This computer can answer any question!

The computer salesman was trying to convince the CEO to buy the horribly expensive mainframe.

"It can answer *any* question! Just try it!"
The CEO thinks a minute, and asks "OK, what's my father doing right now?"
The computer grinds away for awhile, and answers "Your father...

When I was 14, I attended a party in Hollywood.

I swear, someone must have slipped something into my drink because after awhile I was definitely feeling spacey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Two men & a women are sitting in a bar drinking Manhattans..

After awhile their conversation turns to their respective professions.

First guy says: "Well I'm a YUPPIE. You know: Young Urban Professional.

Second guy say: Yeah? I'm whats known as a DINK.
You know: Double Income, No Kids.

Then the woman says: Oh really you guys? Well I'l...

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her, they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again. Again...

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal:

- Whoever dares to jump, swim to the coast and survive, I'll give you $ 1 million.
No one dared to move for awhile, and then suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles.
With enormous luck came, taking everyone's admiration a...

Johnny walked into his parents' bedroom...

He was surprised to see his parents were naked and his mom was bouncing on top of his dad. Mortified, his mom tells him to go to his room. After a few minutes of quick thinking she goes to Johnny to try to explain what he had witnessed.

"Johnny, your father's belly is so big that every on...

If you ever trip in public...

...get up, laugh a little, and say, "Whoops, it's been awhile since I inhabited a body."

What did the tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead and I'll hang around here for awhile.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk walks into a crowded b...

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have...

My great grandfather's joke

One day my great grandfather was taking his friend for a ride on his motorcycle. His friend said "It's freezing back here."
My great grandfather told him to turn his coat around so the wind wouldn't blow through the opening. His friend did and after awhile my great grandfather noticed that he had...

Little Johnny goes to school one day.

As a 3rd grader, the day is pretty uneventful. However, when he takes a break for recess, he sees all of the kids gathered in a circle around his best friend Jimmy.

Wanting to see what all of the fuss is about, he pushes his was through, and sees he friend standing there proudly with his shi...

Walrus is driving down the street when suddenly.....

His car breaks down in the hot desert. He calls a towing service and takes it to the nearest shop in some small town he's never been in.

Mechanic tells him it's going to be awhile. Walrus says, no problem. I'll just go across the street and treat myself to something cold at that restuarant ...

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