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Dreamt Jokes

Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck.

Got up to check, but the mirror wasn't working.

I dreamt about a horse last night.

It turned out to be a night mare.

A woman said to her husband: "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"

The man smiled and said: "You'll know tonight." That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She embraced him, and then slowly and unwrapped the package. It contained a book entitled, The Meaning of Dreams.

I dreamt of a bunch of hippos attending university…

They’re still there in my hippocampus

Fishy joke that I dreamt last night

An Asian guy goes into a restaurant and is talking to the waiter. The waiter says "I had a dream of being a goldfish last night". The guy says "are you trying to be Koi?"

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Antonio dreamt of meeting the Pope

He put on his best Armani suit to attend mass at the Vatican. In the row of pews in front of him, Antonio noticed a bum in dirty, raggedy clothes. During the processional the Pope came up the aisle acknowledging and reaching out to people along the way. Sure enough the Pope headed toward Antonio. He...

I once dreamt of having a fight with chuck norris.

I woke up with a black eye and swollen face.

Last night I dreamt I ate a five pound marshmallow.

When I woke up, my five pound marshmallow was gone!

Three guys are sharing a bed at a sleepover

When they wake up, the first guy says, "I had a wierd dream, I dreamt that someone beat my meat."


The guy on the left says, "Me too!"


The guy in the middle goes: "That's funny, I dreamt that I was skiing, but the snow was hot and sticky!"

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I once dreamt that I was masturbating to pictures of my karate teachers.

Then I came to my senseis.

I dreamt that I had to write my own epitaph...

... That's a grave sign.

(I made up this joke and I nope no-one else has done it before me.)

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

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NSFW - I dreamt they were auctioning...... [long]

Wife: I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks.
The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.
Husband: How about the ones like mine?"
Wife: Those they gave away.
Husband: I had a dream, too.... I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts.
The pretty ones w...

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Last night I dreamt about having diarrhea, but when I woke up…

… that’s when shit got real

I dreamt that I wrote the Hobbit the other day

Turns out I was just Tolkien in my sleep

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A married couple are in bed one morning.

"I had a really good dream last night,” says the wife. “I dreamt that I was at a penis auction. Long dicks were going for $100 each and thick dicks were going for $200.”

“Really?” says the husband. “What would mine have fetched?”

“They were giving dicks like yours...

Last night I dreamt I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.

But it was just a Fanta sea.

I dreamt that I invented a new color last night

Turns out it was just a pigment of my imagination

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I’ve always dreamt of having a penis as long and wide as a 2 litre bottle of orange soda,

Fanta sized really

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Last night, I dreamt I was a black man who stormed the capitol

And I still got shot at.

Once lived a man with his mother, who dreamt of buying a car everyday.

But those were hard times. Money was scarce. Jobs weren't easy to get. So, he applied to work as a worker in a dairy factory, coz who doesn't want to have milk, but soon realised with his monthly wages, it'll take him 10 years to save enough money for the car.

Next, he applied in a newspaper ...

I dreamt I was making a salad.

I was tossing all night.

Last night I dreamt my math teacher was a mermaid…

and my secret lover.

But she dumped me after I couldn’t unhook her top part.

Too bad. I failed my algae bra test.

Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.

At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning

Last night i dreamt that I'm eating the world's largest marshmallow

Then my wife woke me up asking where our pillow was

One night, a boy dreamt that his grandmother was about to die.

When morning came and the boy woke up, he told his father about the dream he had. The father paid no mind to the dream until later that day when, as the clock struck midnight, the father received a call from his own father, informing him of his mother's heart attack and subsequent death.

A mo...

I dreamt of a better world for chickens everywhere.

A world where chickens could cross the road without having their motives questioned.

As a young boy I dreamt of touching the stars.

Then I met Kevin Spacey. :-(

Once in a small town lived a guy, who dreamt of having a car

He was fascinated by their speed and beauty, yet his parents wouldn't agree to fulfil his dream and buy it for him. So he changed various jobs, worked part-time and ran errands, anything just to get a bit closer to saving up for that final trophy. But as time came by his bank account didn't seem to ...

I went to my Dr. the other day and said “doc last night I dreamt I was a tee-pee, and the next night I dreamt I was a wig-wam”

He said relax you’re two tents

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Once there was a sailor who dreamt of finding the love of his life.

He sailed to the Middle East in search of a genie to grant him this wish. After a long, challenging journey, the sailor reaches his destination and sets out to find himself a lamp. Months of vigorous searching pass and eventually he finds his bounty in an isolated cave. The genie appears and asks th...

My girlfriend dreamt that I had a threesome with my other two girlfriends...

God damn, it feels amazing to know that she believes in me.

A man told his wife that he dreamt of a beautiful woman...

His wife asks: "Was she alone in your dream?"

"Yes, she was. How did you know?" - The husband replies

The wife says: "Because her husband was in my dream"

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3 guys awake after a night of sharing a bed

The guy on the rightmost side looks over to the other two, and says,
"I had the weirdest dream last night, I dreamt that I was getting jacked off!"
He looks down, and surely enough, there's cum stains.
The guy on the leftmost side exclaims,
"Weird! I had the exact same dream..."
He l...

Last night I dreamt that I was in an elevator that was going super fast toward the sky. Yet, I wasn’t scared

I found it very uplifting

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Have you heard about the man who dreamt he was packing his parachute in preparation for a jump?

His wife had to be rushed to the hospital with half of the bedsheets stuffed up her ass.

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I dreamt I was forced to work on a pirate ship. The captain was the supreme authority and only allowed males. Plus the only food allowed was potatoes.

It was a dick tater ship.

Last night, I dreamt of going to Germany with my family. When we arrived, the airport guards pinned us down and started beating us with sausages.

It was truly my wurst nightmare.

I dreamt I was being chased by a bizarre sentence with two poorly distinguished clauses.

So I made a mad dash for it.

Doc...I had a dream two nights ago I was a pop up tent and last light I dreamt I was an Inflatable Tent. What does it mean????

Well Bob I would say you need to relax...you're just two tents.

Three guys have been travelling through mountains for a week.

They were desperate for some rest on a comfy bed. Later on during the night they came across an old house. They knocked on the door and an old man answered. They explained their situation to the old man, the old man agreed but said that he only had one bed in the barn and that they would have to sha...

I long time ago in the faraway of land of Sweden, there lived a man who dreamt his entire life of becoming a train conductor...

So he studied hard, and with great joy he achieved his goal, working happily for many years. But in time, he began to feel hollow, empty, unfulfilled, and so he thought long and hard, and a dark, primal anger welled up inside him. He decided to take drastic action, and set the trains to crash. The f...

So three guys rent a room at a ski lodge

Three guys rent a room at a ski lodge but due to a lack of other rooms they're forced to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, they all wake up abruptly and the one on the left says *"Man I dreamt I was getting a handjob"*

The guy on the right replies *"That's weird, I was dreaming ...

Three guys were sleeping together in one bed

One of them dreamed about getting a handjob, another one of them did as well.

The guy who dreamt about skiing was shocked.

A rabbi and a priest are discussing their dreams

"I dreamt of the jewish heaven the other night" says the priest "It was horrible, a slum overflowing with people! It was chaos, I tell you, all the people talking and walking around! And making so much noise... Thank God I woke up from that nightmare!"

"Interesting" says the rabbi "The other ...

I'm glad to report that I realized my dream

last night I dreamt that I was peeing and when I woke up I found out that indeed I was peeing

I had a terrible nightmare

It was quite strange. I dreamt that the Canadian singer-songwriter Abel Makkonen Tesfaye had conquered the world and instituted a horrible system of forced labor. There was no alternative.

Everybody was workin' for The Weeknd.

A man goes into his son's room

to wish him Goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later...

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Three skiimen have to stay inside for the night, but there is only one bed.

Three skiimen have to stay inside for the night, but there is only one bed. They decide to share it and go to sleep. In the morning they get ready to go out and ask each other what they dreamed about. The guy on one side said "I dreamt of a beautiful brunette and we had sex all night.", the guy on t...

So much for privacy...

Google: We really value your privacy

Twitter: We’d never collect anything

Apple: We securely encrypt everything on-device

Facebook: Literally gives you an ad for something you dreamt about

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3 friends go to a ski lodge...

But the receptionist at the front dest said that the lodge was over booked, and the friends have to share a room.

After walking in they notice that there’s only one bed. They decide to go to bed early and set their alarms for 6:30am.

The buzzer sounds and they awake. The one on the lef...

When Cannibals Attack

When cannibals attacked the AMAs, why were Eminem, Kendrick Lamar and Drake spared?

You're not supposed to eat the rappers.

(I literally dreamt this joke)

I had a nightmare

I had a nightmare were I dreamt someone had stolen my Tik tok acount .

For a second I was really worried that I had a tik tok acount .

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Three dudes sneak into a barn

So, three dudes sneak into a barn, and they're forced to sleep on the same haystack.
The morning after, the dude on the left says, "I had a dream that I was getting the best handjob!"
The dude on the right says, "Holy shit, I had the same dream!" The dude in the middle goes,"I dreamt that I ...

Three guys went out camping together

One morning, when they woke up, the man sleeping on the left told his friends "I just had the best dream. I got the most amazing handjob"

The man on the right, quite surprised, told him "No way! I also got a great handjob in my dream!"

"You guys have such great dreams, it's not fair!" ...

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A girl tells her sister about her sexcapades.

She told her blonde sister that she finally did something she always dreamt of doing. She said to her, "I finally fucked a Brazilian." Her sister was amazed! "Oh my god!" she said, "How many is a brazilian?"

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A woman wakes up hysterically laughing...

Her husband, hearing the laughter, immediately asks her what she finds to be so funny. “I had the craziest dream,” the wife says. “ I dreamt I was at a penis auction. The nicest penises were selling for $1,000 a piece, the ok penises were selling for $100, and the meh penises were selling for around...

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Timbuktu

The teacher told the class to make up a poem about Timbuktu, to recite in front of the class.

The first child recited hers:

"When I was lying in my bed

I dreamt of a ship with funnels red

A beautiful ship, its hull was blue

I think it was going to Timbuktu."
...

One night little Johnny went to sleep..,

One night, Little Johnny went to sleep and dreamt his Uncle Bill died. He woke up and that evening, his dad got a call saying that Uncle Bill died. The next night, Little Johnny went to sleep and dreamt his Aunt Joy died. He woke up, and then that evening, his dad got a call saying that Aunt Joy die...

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Three men were sleeping in a tent all in a row...

In the morning when they all wake up, the man on the left says:

"I had the weirdest dream last night - I dreamt that someone was pulling my cock"

The man on the right looks instantly surprised and says:

"Now that is strange, I had exactly the same dream - that someone was pulli...

Confession booth

A man sat in the confession booth in church and said : “Forgive me, my Father, for I have sinned !”
“What have you done my son ?” The priest asked.
“I had a Promiscuous dream !! I dreamt that I the touched the breast of Kim...”
Silence prevailed for a moment, followed by the noise of the pr...

3 guys were in an apartment and had to share the same bed for the night.

The next morning the guys decided to share their dreams they had the night before.

The guy sleeping on the left said, “I had a dream that I received the most amazing handjob!”

The guy sleeping on the right said, “No way! I also had the best handjob in my dream!”

The guy sleepin...

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A man wakes up from a nightmare in a cold sweat

He wakes his wife up to tell her about the dream.

"Honey, i dreamt I was a wigwam."

"A wigwam?"

"Exactly! A wigwam!"

His wife is disinterested, because this appears not to be scary or a nightmare.

He tries to tell his friends about it, but they aren't interested e...

The Dream

A guy wakes up in the morning and tells his wife: “Wow darling, you won’t believe what happened. I dreamt I was forced to eat a live sheep and now I can’t see my pillow anywhere!”
-
The wife answers, “The pillow’s fine, it’s lying right there on the floor, but I have been calling our dog in va...

On Valentine's Day

On Valentine's Day , a man and his wife got up from bed
The wife told the man that she dreamt of him giving her a diamond ring on Valentine's Day. She asked him what it meant. He said, " You'll see tonight."
That night he came home with a small package.
Excited, his wife opened the pack...

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A couple is asleep when suddenly the wife wakes up. "Honey wake up. I just had a really strange dream," she says.

The husband asked what the dream was about and
she explained that she dreamt she was at a
penis auction.

"A PENIS AUCTION?" he asked.

She replied, "Yeah, the real big ones were going
for a thousand dollars and the smaller ones
started the bidding at about 500 dollars....

Saw a new movie the other day...

It was about a guy who dreamt he was a condom.
It was called Contra-ception.

Three guys travelling in a car have to stop for the night due to bad weather.

They find a barn nearby, and ask the farmer if they could stay the night. The farmer agrees but tells them he only has one extra bed. The three guys don't mind, and they rest for the night. In the morning the three wake up and the first guy says: "Man I had the best dream, I was given the best handj...

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I'm just gonna go

There are 3 brothers that sleep in the same bed. After one night, the one in the middle got in the shower, while the other two went into the kitchen. One of them said "Dude I had the best dream ever last night. This super model gave me a blowjob. Aww man I jizzed my pants." The second brother said "...

The skiers

Three friends decide to go to a ski resort for the weekend. When they arrive at the lodge, they're dismayed to learn that there's only one room left. What's worse, it only has a single bed. Figuring that it's their only option, they decide to take the room.


After a full day of skiing, the...

The agent of a beautiful actress discovered that the actress had been selling her body for $100 a night.

The agent, who had fantasised about her for long, had never dreamt that she was so easily obtainable. He approached her and told her how much she turned him on and how he wanted to do her.

She agreed to spend the night with him but said that he would have to pay the same $100 other customers...

A man goes to the doctor...

"Doctor," he says, "Ya gotta help me! I'm having all sorts of crazy dreams! I think I'm losing my mind here!"

"Why certainly," the doctor says, "Tell me about these dreams you are having."

The man continues, "Well Doc, you see, I dream that I'm turnin' into stuff of a Native American n...

The craziest dream

Three young guys traveling together walk into a motel and find out there is only one room left and that room has only one bed. Since it's the only motel in town, the guys decide to suck it up for the night and share the bed. They get to their room, squeeze in, and quickly fall asleep.
The next m...

Little Timmy's Dream

Little Timmy has been having nightmares. He just dreamt that his grandpa Jack died. The next day he wakes up and his father tells him that grandpa Jack died. Timmy is agitated but thinks it was a coincidence. The next day, he has a dream that his friend Jane dies. He goes to school, and the teacher ...

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There was a school in England which was infamous for having the savage bullies. [Long]

There was a school in England which was infamous for having the savage bullies. The school used to come in the news fairly regularly for nothing but their bullies. More often than not the school bullies used to line up the other students and hit them in the face. The consequences of not being presen...

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