UPJOKE
atpmesesmonthtousalorsjamaisfautriencesestobienicitesreste

Messed Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The guy that messed with a drug lord

(sorry if anything sounds weird, original is from Brazil)

This guy is chilling at home, when a big party starts at the neighboring mansion. It is a sweet sixteen party, with lots of guests and very loud music. At 1AM the guy is fed up and calls the cops to end with the nuisance. What he didn'...

What did the baker say when he messed up his recipe?

Dough!

messed up movie

Me:Dude,you should see the movie i watched yesterday.It is messed up.


Friend:Well whats it about?


Me:Its about a guy whose wife is brutally murdered,leaving his son physically disabled and in a twisted turn of events his son gets kidnapped and he has to find his sons kidnap...

I hate that September, October, November, and December are somehow the 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th months of the calendar year

Whoever messed that up ought to be stabbed

This ones messed up.

After a long labour, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first doctor”.

The doctor replies, “We’ll, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m so...

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

Did you hear about the blind Rabbi who messed up the circumcision?

He got the sack...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night, my wife said to me in bed "You have a messed up relationship with your mother."

I rolled over the other way and said "Ma, are you hearing this shit??"

If I had a dollar for every time I messed up the punchline

To get to the other side

This feline messed up my clothes

What a catastrophe!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to make a messed up joke even more messed up by changing the tone of a single word:

Version 1:
Q: What's the difference between my sister and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon died after I fucked it.

Version 2:
Q: What's the difference between my sister and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon died AFTER I fucked it.

If I ever find the guy who messed up my limb transplants,

I'm going to kill him with my bear hands.

My children messed up the furniture...

when i got home from work i said "Oh how the tables have turned..."

The French chef's apprentice really messed up when he dropped an ostrich egg on the floor.

Big ouef

I think Samsung has messed up with my new phone's shipment.

I had booked a Galaxy Note ''S7'', not C4.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There so much messed up kinds of porn these days

What's the world coming to?

Today I messed up my signature on a cheque.

It isn't a good sign.

I was so angry the doctor messed up my lobotomy.

I gave him a piece of my mind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

Heroin really messed up my household...

All the spoons are missing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*The most messed up jokes you know*

I'll start: What’s worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother’s pussy? Sucking out thirteen of them and realizing you only put in a dozen.

Why is Owen Wilson’s nose all messed up?

He KaCHOO’ed too hard!

What do you call Cheerios that messed around behind their boyfriend's back?

Cheatos

I messed up during a guitar recital.

I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

I used to hate it when people slightly messed up proverbs...

But I guess it's no use crying over spoiled milk.

I got called a misogynist today which is messed up

Because I love getting massages.

I just prefer getting them from men because they’re better at it

A poor cowboy needs a horse.

He buys the only horse he could afford, one that has its commands messed up.

"He'll go when you say 'whoa!' and stop when you say 'giddy up!'" instructs the seller.

The cowboy sets off riding the horse, feeling silly for saying 'whoa'. As he rides further, he sees an upcoming cliff. He...

My wife messed with my charging cable...

I was shocked.

My friend said my taste in dark humor is really messed up.

I think he's just racist; Pryor, Rock, and Chappelle are legends.

The Most Messed Up Joke Ever

It's 1945 and two Jewish kids are sitting on a roof near a chimney. A man walks by and asks "What are you guys doing up there?". The two kids say "Waiting for our parents."

A very 1950's naughty joke my very proper Mother told...

A young couple got married and the wife couldn't cook. But they were still in the honeymoon phase, so the first night after they got home, the husband comes home from work and the wife says "I'm sorry I burned dinner." So the husband says "That's all right honey let's just make love."

The...

What's the most messed up trap for Santa?

A Nicolas Cage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I messed up while sexting with Kim Jong Un.

"Send Nukes"

If I got $100 for every time I messed up a great opportunity with a question...

I would be asking who is giving me the money.

What'd the Parisian chef say when he messed up his Pancakes?

"Aww Crepe."

I got pulled over for speeding by a woman police officer and almost talked my way out of it by telling her she looked stunning. Then I messed up by saying...

“And that’s not even the booze talking!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You guys wanna hear a messed up joke?

....
Shit I forgot the next line

A Russian artist was drawing a landscape and he messed up...

...so he had to retrace his steppes.

I don't know how Neil Armstrong messed up his line on the moon landing.

He wasn't under any pressure!

I messed up planning my New Year's party

I guess you could say I dropped the ball.

I recently bought a German car, but the navigation system is all messed up.

It only gives directions to Poland.

I tried making a steak and cheese omelette but I messed up the flip...

I guess you can say that I beefed the eggsecution.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar. Already bar hopping and a little drunk he looks at the huge jar full of cash behind the bar. What’s that jar filled with cash for he asked the bartender? The bartender says it’s an ongoing bar bet. You put $20 in the jar and you complete 3 challenges and you win all the money...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.