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Coroner Jokes

One day Ole's wife Lena died.

When Ole called the coroner he told them in a heavy norwegian accent that they lived on eucalyptus street.

The operator (unable to understand) asked if he could spell it.

Ole replied. "Ill just drag her over to "Oak"

Some people say that Coroners don’t talk much.

I’ve always found them excellent at getting people to open up.

Coroner

Tim, a local coroner, recently came home with a black eye.

“What happened to you?” asked his wife.

“I had a terrible day” replied Tim. “I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the hotel manager said they couldn’t get him into a body bag b...

Cross-examination of a coroner

"Did you check the victim's pulse?"

"No, I did not."

"Did you check if the victim's breathing had stopped?"

"No, I did not."

"Did you check for any signs of brainwave activity?"

"No, I did not."

"Then how do you even know the victim is dead?"

"Well, h...

The medical examiner's office was told to reduce their budget

They had to start cutting coroners.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when John Fogerty has oral sex with a mortician?

Down on the Coroner.

How did the funeral home make so much money?

They had the market coronered

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

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Bubba died in a fire

Bubba died in a fire last night. His body was burned so badly that he couldn't be identified by most of his family.

That is, until his best friends Jim and Cletus were called. Jim and Cletus knew Bubba all his life, and they were certain they could identify Bubba for the coroner.

When ...

Person One: [To a crowd] “Help! This is an emergency. Is anyone here a doctor?”

Person One: \[To a crowd\] “Help! This is an emergency. Is anyone here a doctor?”

Person Two: “I’m a doctor but I’m afraid of frivolous lawsuits.”

Person Three: “I’m a lawyer and I have a contract here that can protect you against most allegations of malpractice. But it will need to be...

My wife was inhaling popcorn and nearly choked to death on an un-popped kernel.

I almost had to call the popcoroner.

(Real life: my wife really was eating popcorn with no breathing in between and I said “maybe slow down so you don’t choke on that. I don’t want to have to call the pop coroner”, and she abruptly started laughing and, I swear, choked on some (non-fatal). ...

A barrister questions the coroner during a trial

Barrister: So Mr Tolbol was dead prior to the commencement of the autopsy?

Coroner: Very much so.

Barrister: How did you know he was dead?

Coroner: His brain was in a jar on another table.

Barrister: Okay, but even with the brain removed, was it possible he could still be...

Where do you buy embalming fluid?

At the coroner store.

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on th...

The coroner has released Norm Macdonald's official cause of death

you guessed it, Frank Stallone

Defense!



In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart? Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Coroner: No. ...

A mortician was working late one night...

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry M...

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Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.

One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.

The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Jo...

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The weirdest thing I saw as a coroner was a murder victim who had a second butt up his butt.

It turned out he was the victim of an assassin.

It took me quite a while to iron out this joke

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. Hi...

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Did you hear about the guy who wrecked his car while jerking off?

The coroner said the cause of death was several mini strokes.

My father was killed by a herd of pigs.

The coroner labeled his death a sooie-cide

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A young intern working in a morgue goes to the older coroner with a startling discovery.

"This is gonna sound weird, but the drowning victim that just came in has a umm...shrimp sticking out of her vagina."

The coroner smiles and explains to him that it's likely her clitoris, since with drowning victims, it can often become swollen and take on a strange appearance..

"Funny...

Did you hear about the layoffs at the morgue?

They’re really cutting coroners

Did you hear about the coroner who always was early for his shift?

He could not wait to get to work and crack open a cold one.

The keyboard player in our band committed suicide...

...after his Hammond c70, Moog 361 and Casio with a built in valve and leslie keyboards all broke down at once.


The coroner said he died of multiple organ failure

What did the lead coroner do when he and the other coroners were asked to perform an autopsy?

He cracked open a cold one with the boys.

I can get laid any time I want.

Of course, that's one of the perks of being a coroner.

What do a necrophiliac coroner and an alcoholic office manager have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one at work

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Joe and the Train

Joe has been driving trains for years now and he was certainly not he best. He would leave late, overshoot stops and close the door on people frequently. This all came to head when one day, not paying attention, he drives into a herd of cows.

Police show up and Joe is questioned, but is ove...

My friend met Terry Crews and made fun of him so Terry beat him to death

The coroner says he died from dysentery

A man gets married and wants to have children

A man gets married and wants to have children. His wife works hard at her job performing autopsies, and they save up enough money to where the husband starts talking seriously about having a child. She is very stand-offish about it, but he continues to bring it up repeatedly. One day, after picki...

A perk of a career at the morgue is you always get the coroner office.

The only downside is the stiff competition.

Coroner: I have to say that the victim died at precisely 11 45 pm.

Detective: Are you positive?

Coroner: Its difficult with so many dead bodies lying around, but I’m hanging in there.

A man dies at the Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, and Utah border.

He had to have four coroners.

Why aren't morgues round?

Because then there'd be no coroners.

Michael Stipe died, but only two people know about it.

That's me and the coroner.

Don't worry, there are experts who are trained to deal with the coronavirus.

We call them coroners.

Thanks to this virus I am looking into a new profession that is booming.

It’s coroner time.

My police department made all their homicide detectives enter a two-week quarantine.

>!They had coroner-virus.

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A coroner comes home from work and sets his lunchbox down, laughing to himself...

"Wow!" he tells his wife. "You should have seen this autopsy I did today! The guy must have had a schlong at least 11 inches long and fat as a beer can! I've never seen anything so..."

He trails off as his wife bursts out sobbing. "Oh no!" she says. "Fred's dead!"

Why did the forensic pathologist take off from work?

She had the coroner-virus!

My wife is a forensic crime scene investigator, but she refuses to get pregnant.

No one puts baby in a coroner.

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The coroner's first day

Jack gets a job as a coroner in his local precinct, assisting the head coroner.


He starts prepping his first subject for autopsy, when he notices a cork in the corpse's behind. Putting on his gloves and grabbing an evidence bag, he slowly removes the cork and suddenly a song starts bursti...

Who knew George Michael's "Last Christmas"...

was about the coroner?

The Nurse Asked My Family's Medical History Today at the Doc's Office

Nurse: "Do you have siblings?"

Me: "Yes, a younger brother.

Nurse: "Does he have any medical issues?"

Me: "He broke his finger on his right hand hitting someone in a bar fight."

Nurse: "Oh, okay. Anything else?"

Me: "He's battl...

Why can't female medical examiners have kids?

Because nobody puts baby in a coroner.
Hey, at least it was original, again I will see myself out.

Coroner's Report

Coroner: Report complete.


Police: What was the cause of death?


Coroner: The cause of death was that I sliced him open and performed an autopsy.

It wasn't easy for a group of hobbits to see their dead friend at the coroner's office.

Because one does not simply walk in the morgue door.

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A man is discovered dead in a public sauna with his son.

After close examination, the coroner informs the detective that the man apparently died from bleeding profusely from his genitals after they were brutally mutilated. As the little boy was the only person in the room with the man at the time, the son is interviewed by the detective.

"Son, I kn...

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Michael Stipe confirms sex tape filmed at morgue is genuine...

..."That's me in the coroner."

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A man got killed by a bear while going hunting

and is ID, which was torn up, only barely showed his name, and all the coroner could make out from it was "Joe J" but the rest of the letters of the man's last name were unreadable. In the town of Reidsville, there were two people known to be dead/missing recently named Joe with a last name that wit...

An old couple is travelling in Israel

The wife incessantly nags her husband through out the trip, until unfortunately she has a heart attack and passes. The coroner tells the husband, "it will cost you $500 to bury her here, or $5000 to take her body back to America." The husband tells the coroner that he will take her body back to Amer...

The Police are looking into George Michaels' death.

When the press asked if an autopsy would be performed, the coroner was quoted as saying: "Well I guess it would be nice, if I could touch his body."

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Three best friends have known eachother since high school...

They ended up going to the same college together, and getting a job at the same factory together. Bill, Jacob, and Mark were always known to hangout together, they were inseparable.

One day, the factory catches on fire, and once all of the factory workers regroup, they do accountability. Two...

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So there's a serial killer on the loose...

There's a serial killer on the loose in a pretty big city in Southern California. This killer has been at large for some time and has a particularity sadistic method of murdering his victims, he kills them by making thousands of tiny cuts all over their bodies until they pass out from pain and die o...

A doctor meets up with a coroner

"Well have you figured out the cause of death?"

"No sir"

"Was it something to do with the brain?"

"We don't think so sir"

"Was it something to do with the lungs?"

"We don't think so sir"

"Was it something to do with the heart"

"Well we can't tell sir....

A farmer lies unconscious in his field after an apparent farming accident. An ambulance pulls up and two EMTs attend the farmer.

EMT1 <walks into corn field, snaps on glove>: "Whadda we got?"
EMT2: "Man, probably a farmer, left leg's been hit with a tiller. ID in the wallet says he's..."
EMT1: no-NO! Don't!
EMT2: ...Lou-is Cz-...zew...ski. Louis Czyzewski.
EMT1: <sighs, pulls glove off> "...cal...

If President Trump passes away while in office, he will never admit it because...

...he'll continue tweeting denials about it from the grave:

===

---

>>###Yes, it is true - Tupac Shakur, the great Afro-American musician, called me about getting together for a meeting. We met, HE IS A GREAT GUY!

>>— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) Decembe...

Morgue Murderer Caught

The infamous Morgue Murderer was finally apprehended for his crimes of breaking into morgues and brutally slitting the throats of unsuspecting employees.

It turns out that it really never pays to cut coroners.

A coroner's job is easy

Every death is 'natural causes'. "He was stabbed 15 times in the neck so, naturally, he died."

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Three Irish Men in a Fire

There are three Irish men, Paddy, John and Seamus.
Every night these three men go to the pub together until one night there was a terrible fire and Paddy is burnt to death.
The local police department call John and Seamus to identify the body.
One at a time they can called in to the see ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob died in a fire

Bob died in a fire. The whole town knew that the body found in the trailer was Bob since he lived alone. But officially they needed to identify the body.

So the coroner's office brought in Bob's two best friends to identify the body. They take a look at the body and ask the coroner to flip it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy the Irishman dies in a horrific fire and his corpse needs to be identified

So the coroner brings in paddys two best friends, Mick and Joe. Mick goes in and tries to identify the mangled corpse, mick says "turn him over", the coroner does. Mick says "ahh jaysus no, that's not paddy".
So the coroner brings in Joe, Joe goes in, says to the coroner "turn him over", he does ...

R.I.P.

Today a man died after jumping into a waste treatment facility.
The coroner ruled it a sewercide.

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Did you hear about the morgue operator who was stealing testicles?

Eight balls, coroners pocket.


(We were playing pool)

When the coroner's report came back, it stated my nine month old son had died due to neglect…

Nothing to do with me though, I was at the bar at the time…

A long day at the hospital

After a long day working at the hospital 3 doctors are walking home:

- "After seeing so many patients, it's really nice to see normal, healthy people" says the first doctor, a GP
- "Not only that, they are actually alive" answers the coroner
- "Who cares about all that! Just look at all...

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Morgue Joke

So this elderly coroner and his new assistant are in the morgue when a body comes in. The coroner turns to his assistant and asks. "Are you ready, son?"

"Absolutely!" Says the assistant.

The doctor uncovers the body and the first thing the assistant notices is it's huge penis, the bigg...

I'm in big trouble.

I knocked up a medical examiner and from what I've heard, NOBODY puts a baby in a coroner!

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A coroner is giving his students a lecture.

There is a pale corpse laying face down on the table. He tells his students, "In this line of work, you need to be very hands-on, and very observant of everything around you."
The coroner then sticks his finger in the corpses butt-hole, then licks his finger. He tells the students to do the same...

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