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James is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Lucas, comes in to pee. He slyly looks over and is shocked at how supersize Lucas penis is. He can’t help himself, and asks him what his secret is.

“Well,” says Lucas, “every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bed three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”

James was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out hi...

A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass.

He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?"

The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option."

The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house."

The man, ...

Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn

He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.

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A guy goes outside to mow the lawn and sees a gorilla up in his tree.

A guy goes outside to mow the lawn and sees a gorilla up in his tree. He calls animal control, they say the gorilla is from the zoo and they will send an expert over right away.

The expert shows up in a van, opens up the van and removes a coil of rope, a net, a pointy stick, a pet carri...

Saw a black guy walking the streets carrying a tv and I thought "is that one mine"?...

... then I remembered it couldn't be mine because mine was mowing the lawn at the moment.

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What's the difference between a lawnmower and a hooker?

When I'm choking the lawnmower, I don't stick my dick in it.

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Thought I was lucky when my wife said she'd give me a blow job on my birthday

Didn't know that it came with mow, weed, fertilize, and rake jobs too.

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I hate it when my neighbor mows the lawn at 7 in the morning

This one Saturday morning I get woken up by my neighbor's mower going at 7 in the morning. I have quite a bad hangover and I just decide screw him he can cut around me. .

A hoser is lying on a hammock in his backyard drinking a beer while his wife mows the lawn.

His neighbour leans over the fence and says, "That's disgusting. You let your wife do all the work while you just lie there and drink beer. You should be damn-well hung!"

"I am," replies the hoser. "That's why she mows the lawn for me."

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A woman is bringing home her groceries...

And sees her neighbor sitting shirtless in his front yard, drinking a beer. As he sips, a woman is pushing an old lawnmower around his grass, which is at least a foot tall.

As she unpacks her groceries and takes them inside, he continues to sit in the shade, a smile on his face. Upon seeing ...

A guy was down on his luck, and looking for odd jobs...

He knocked on the door of a house, and asked if they had any work so he could make a few bucks. The owner said, "Sure, mow the lawn, and when you get done, paint the porch." An hour and a half later there was knock on the door. "I'm done," the man said. "And by the way, that's not a porch - it's a M...

So many questions

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer.

As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"

To which Jesus replies,"You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy thin...

You know how when you are cooking a really nice steak, and your mouth starts to water?

Does the same thing happen to vegans when they mow their lawn?

A pretty girl knocks on the door and asks if he needs yard work

Johnny looks at her and is skeptical at first. He never saw a female gardener before, much less someone so attractive. He decides to give her a chance, and asks her to mow his lawn.

To his astonishment, she not only does an excellent job, but mows in an elaborate pattern that turns the lawn ...

Sales training!

A manager at a General Store is teaching a young, newly hired boy how to sell people more than they really want. Suddenly, a man walks in asking for a bag of lawn seed. The manager walks up to him and says, “Of course. But you will be wanting a lawn mower, too, right?”

The man asks, “Why woul...

When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water.

Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

My daughter wants a new iPhone so to teach her a lesson...

I told her that she can have one if she washes the dishes, sweeps the floor, takes out the trash, does the laundry, mows the lawn, walks the dog, dusts the shelves and helps me cook every day.

The lesson?

iPhones come form child labour.

You know that mouth-watering sensation you get when you're grilling a steak on the BBQ?

I wonder if vegans get that when they mow the lawn.

Little Johnny and the Lawnmower

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that little Johnny happened to be manning.



“This mower work, son?” the preacher asked.



Little Johnny said, “Sure does...just pull on the cord hard, though.”



Th...

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

I was talking to my neighbor's six year-old daughter and she said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were to be the President, what's the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

"Wow - what a worthy goal," I told her, "You don't have to wait unti...

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A salesman is being trained on his first day at Walmart

A salesman is being trained on his first day at Walmart, and his mentor is teaching him how to upsell. A customer walks in and asks where he can find a new blade for his lawnmower. The mentor says, “No one sells that kind of blade anymore so you might as well buy a new lawnmower, but fortunately w...

Woke up at 6 o' clock this morning ...

...with a banging hangover listening to my neighbour mowing his lawn , was going to get up and throttle the sod , but then thought "To Heck with it , he can mow around me."

A shepherd has 20 white sheep and 3 black ones.

A guy nearby comes to talk to him.

"What do your sheep do all day?"

"Well, usually the white ones search for good grass to eat."

"And the black ones?"

"They usually also spend time searching for good grass."

"How many times a year do you mow them?"

"I usuall...

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So, i used to work in a convenience store...

It's my first shift, and a gentleman comes in asking for nails, I sold some nails to him as my manager was watching

He said to me, mate, that's not how you do sales!! I'll show you how it's done

Before you know it another man comes in asking about some lawn seeds, he proceeds to show h...

There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell...

Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?

At my new job I have 500 people under me.

I mow grass at a cemetery.

I mowed the lawn with my shirt off, and now my back is stiff.

My wife told next time to mow with my pants off.

Guy joins the Army...

... but they are out of bayonets and ammo. They tell him to run into battle yelling "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!"

Much to his surprise, enemy soldiers are dropping all around him.

Then, this really big enemy comes over the hill. The guy yells, "Bangitty bangit...

Bang Bang

There was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the enemies, and go 'Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young recruit.

...

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The Story of Jack

Jack was an Irish immigrant who came to America several years ago.

One day Jack goes to mow the lawn only to find the the lawn mower is broken. He tells his wife that he's going to billys house to ask if he can borrow his lawn mower.

"He wont lend ya the mower" says his wife.
...

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Little Johnny is spending the weekend at his grandparents house

He is following his grandfather around. His grandfather gets on a big tractor to mow the lawn.

Fascinated, Johnny says, "Wow! Can i try to drive it?"

His granddad replies, "can the tip of your penis touch your asshole?"

Johnny, shocked, says "No..."

"Then you're not old e...

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Cuttin the grass

A young man is walking past a general store and sees a "help wanted" sign. He goes in and applies for the job. As the shop owner has not had much luck finding a suitable employee he decides to give the young man a shot.

A customer walks in and the shop owner says watch me and do what i do. He...

So a Man's VERY Liberal Neighbors Adopt a Young Child.

One day, the man goes to their house with a warming gift, and says to the little girl-
"What would you like to do when you grow up?" The child responds that she would like to help the homeless. So the man says-
"Alright, how about this. You mow my lawn a and ill give you $12. You can give tha...

During the summer, a kid started a yard work business....

...After several weeks his mother noticed he was becoming more and more depressed. She asked her son, "why are you so blue lately, your business is doing great"?
The son replied, "Mow money mow problems".

My wife wants pay equality....

I told her I would do 1 better and gave her $1 to mow the grass.

Why did god create man?

Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn!

:D

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When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumb...

This just popped in my head...

What's a mexican's favorite Disney movie?

Mow lawn.

Sorry.

The love story of 6 and 9

Sit children, and let me tell you the tale of a guy who was caught in a predicament.

One day a guy was mowing his lawn. He was about a 6, so let's call him that. 6 was mowing his lawn until a dog came running down the street. 6 chased the dog until he caught him. He turned around and saw that...

I need 6 to 8 vegans...

...to mow my lawn. Plenty of food here, just bring your own drinks please.

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Golf Truisims

* Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

* Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during
your swing.

* When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either use
one more club or two more balls.

* If you're afraid a ful...

I have a great relation ship with Jesus

He mows my lawn for $6 an hour

A landscaper's favourite musical genre?

Mow-town.

A woman comes home from work...

And as she's pulling into her driveway, she sees that next door, the wife is mowing the lawn while the husband sits on the porch drinking lemonade.

It was an exceptionally hot day, and the woman is so shocked and outraged that she decides that she's going to give the husband a piece of her m...

Religious traditions

Back in the 1950's a Catholic neighbourhood was settling down to eat their Friday night fish when they smelled a delicious steak wafting from the recently-purchased house nearby. The men of the neighbourhood looked and saw their new neighbour having a BBQ. They looked at their fish but remained stoi...

Blonde + Computer = ?

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and ...

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room

when a young woman with purple punk rocker Mohawk hair, sporting a variety of tattoos and wearing strange clothing was admitted to the ER. It was quickly determined she had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff not...

Medical Humor

1...A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
...

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A young lady, pregnant for the first time, visits her doctor for a check-up

After the exam, she says to the doctor, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

The doctor cuts her off and says, "I know, I know - it's normal. You can have sex until your third trimester."

The lady says, "No, that's not it. He wants to know how much longer can I can keep mowing the law...

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Little Ian

A teacher was testing children in a Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church," she asked them, "would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children ...

IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that sh...

You need Jesus in your life...

that lawn won't mow by itself

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Three leaders of nations are on a plane...

Barack Obama, Shinzo Abe (PM of Japan), and Bashar Al-Assad (Syrian president) are cruising in Air Force One. As they're flying over the US, Barack turns to the other two and says "This is how much I love my people" and throws a quarter out of the plane.
When they're over Japan, Shinzo says "Wel...

Two Cajuns were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.

Boudreaux said, "I'm a'gonna do dat when I win da lottery!"



"What's dat?" asks Thibodeaux.

"Send da lawn off to be mowed."

A small neighborhood was flooded...

...so much to the point that the rooftops were the only dry place. Vince and Frank were seated on one roof, waiting for rescue, when suddenly, out of one of the houses, they observe a floating hat.

It drifts over to a shed nearby and then drifts back to the front of the house. Bubbles started...

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My favorite joke, courtesy of my buddys dad.

(A Newfy is a Newfoundlander, A north eastern Canadian it's interchangeable, just how I heard the joke) A Newfy calls up his lawyer looking for a divorce. The lawyer curious of the circumstances says "Great! do you have a suit?" The Newfy replies "Yup, wears it to church every Sunday." The lawyer th...

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A pregnant woman goes to the doctor

... and she is worried about all the tasks she won't be able to do. She asks the doctor if she is still able to wash dishes. He tells her yes. She asks if she can still walk the dog. The doctor again tells her yes. Then she pauses for a moment. The doctor thinks he knows what she is about to ask. Th...

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