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Attempting Jokes

I've been attempting a murder

But I can't get more than 1 crow

The inventor of Dulex weathershield exterior paint has perished while attempting to climb Everest …

Rescuers said he could have done with another coat

After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.

After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.

Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.

Okay, the good news is the ...

A man and his falcon are arrested for attempting an armed robbery

It seems like it'll be a couple of months before the pair can be tried in court, so it's up to the police to deal with them in the meantime. After much debate, they come to a decision, and the next morning an officer comes to the county jail and gestures for the man to follow him. The officer explai...

I was attempting to get in contact with a contortionist for an interview earlier today.

Fortunately, she was very flexible.

A man who was attempting an arctic expedition died in his sleep when the temperature dropped…

… because he had bought low-budget equipment. Everyone told him his gear wasn’t suitable. He didn’t realise it was a poor tent of doom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man’s wife was attempting to prank him.

A mans wife was attempting to prank him.

She decided that her twin should have sex with him as a prank, and so one day she hid under the bed and called her husband over with the lights off to the bedroom whilst her twin was on the bed.

The man had little light and never noticed a thin...

A blonde is in a wheat field attempting to row a small boat.

### A blonde is in a wheat field attempting to row a small boat.

A blonde is in a wheat field attempting to row a small boat.


Another two blondes drive past and see her struggling.


The driver says “look at that idiot! She gives smart blondes like us a bad name!” ...

A fighter pilot was arrested for attempting to set fire to his lover in bed

In court, the prosecutor asked him why on earth he would do such a thing.

The pilot met his eye and proudly declared:

"Sir, I am a highly decorated fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames."

OJ Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children.

In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote "Hey, they’re still alive, aren’t they?"

- An ol' chunk of coal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What spaceship got a participation trophy for attempting the Kessel run?

The Millenial Falcon

After 10 years of attempting to lure wemon

I've become a master baiter

Henry would have recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house

There was a man named Henry who would having recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house. While the nightmare would always end with the burglar failing to enter, Henry still feared that this could be an omen. Every morning after checking for signs of a break in and findi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are attempting to steal fruit from a farmers huge orchard

The farmer catches them and, holding them at gunpoint, makes a deal. They’re to go out and find three of any fruit and bring it back to him.

The first guy gets back with three apples and the farmer tells him “if you can shove all three up your ass I’ll give you all the food you can eat, but ...

*Girl attempting to count to ten*

girl 1: 1....3....5....7....9....
girl 2: What the hell? Why are you skipping numbers?
girl 1: Because I can't even!!!

A blonde was attempting to swim across the English channel.

But she got tired halfway, and swam back.

Disney is attempting to take over and brainwash our country by bringing back '80s Mickey Mouse merchandise

NOT ON MY WATCH!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman is attempting to convince her professor to give her another chance

" I'll do anything you want!" the student exclaimed.

"Anything I want?" the professor asked.

"Yes, *anything*.". the student said in a low, seductive voice as she undid the top buttons on her blouse.

"Well, alright then! Are you free this weekend?" the professor asked.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Attempting to Set A New Password

Attempting to Set A New Password:


Website: Sorry that password has expired - you must register a new one.


User: Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?


Website: No, but your password has expired - you must get a new one.


User: Why then ...

A cop was attempting to pull me over...

I continued to drive, faster and faster until finally deciding to stop. Cop came up to the car and asked "why did you keep driving?" I said "sir, my ex-wife left me for a police officer and I thought you were bringing her back."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man attempting to piss in public is apprehended by a police officer...

The officer asks him, "Sir, do you realize this is against the law?"

The man replies, "No, sir, it's against the wall."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young tourist was attempting to sneak a quart of tequila...

...back from Mexico when the border guard stopped him and asked what was in the bottle.

"Holy water from the shrine of the Virgin Mary" replied the man.

The border guard opened the bottle, took a sip exclaimed , "This is tequila"

"My heavens!" Gasped the man. "Another miracle!"

So Juan, Pablo, and Jose are all attempting to cross the border legally...

A border guard stops when he sees only one of them has the correct papers, and says
'Whoa whoa whoa there can be only Juan!'

I'll see myself out

Several deranged individuals were caught attempting to scale the White House fence today...

Fortunately they were caught before they were able to reach the street.

Several men were arrested when attempting to smuggle food additives into Cuba

They were dubbed the Pirates of the Carrageenan.

They found a cat on mars...

A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

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