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Attacked Jokes

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

What do you call a Frenchman who has been attacked by a bear?

Claude.

I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!

Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, terrorists attacked a village [NSFW]

Warning : A joke from my own language. Terrible grammar ahead.

They took the men of village as hostages. The head of terrorists wanted to have some fun this time. He called the wives of the men to the camp of terrorists. He put bandage to women's eyes and told men to lose their pants. Terrori...

I was attacked by a gang of mimes yesterday...

They did unspeakable things to me...

A dog attacks a little girl

A man is walking in Central park in New York sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.
He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A journalist arriving soon takes pictures and says: \- "You are a hero, tomorrow ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.

The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."

If Russia attacked Turkey from the rear…

Would Greece help?

What did the man say after getting attacked by crows?

I just got murdered.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.

And I'll fucking do it again.

A man was hurt when a mockingbird attacked him.

He survived with only Myna injuries.

Last night a man attacked me.

Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my throat with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that's it, I'm done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.

It said : *...

Did you hear Sodium attacked Chloride

Yeah, it was assault

Did you know? Coi travel in groups of 4 once they're attacked koi a b and c swim away

And the d koi is attacked

I was waking down the street today and a man attacked me with milk and cheese

How dairy!

What do Putin, Batman and Will Smith have in common?

They all attacked a comedian

I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9

The odds were against me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted,...

If you're ever attacked by a group of clowns...

Don't hesitate. Go straight for the juggler.

Putin has admitted why he has attacked Ukraine...

He heard Moose and Squirrel are hiding there.

Last night I thought I was being attacked by a shark

Don’t worry, it was only a bream

Were you attacked by pirates?

You seem to have lost your booty and chest.

I had a dream where I was attacked by 6 naked women.

Sounds strange dozen tit?

I was viciously attacked by a flock of sheep…

But there was nothing I could do to stop the bleating.

I can’t take my dog to the park anymore. He keeps getting attacked by ducks.

I guess that’s the last time I buy a pure bread dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys are sitting around a campfire

One guy says to the other 2, “I’m the toughest guy here. One time I was out in the woods and I got attacked by a mountain lion! I wrestled with it and was able to stab it to death.”
One of the other guys says, “You think that’s tough? I was out in the woods and got attacked by a full size grizzly...

Ironically the guy who attacked Dave Chapelle got his Humerus bone dislocated

There was no arm done on Dave though.

A man was walking on the road when he was accosted by two muggers who attacked him.

The man fought bravely but the muggers beat him senseless and proceeded to go through his pockets.

"There's only $2.75 in here!" said one of the muggers, looking through the man's wallet.

"You mean to say that you fought us like this for $2.75!?" the other mugger asked the man incred...

A devout Christian is about to be attacked by a bear and prays.

“Lord, give that barbaric bear your teachings."

The bear is moved, and suddenly puts his hands together and speaks!

"Heavenly father, thank you for feeding us today."

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks…

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A surfer gets attacked by a shark. He wakes up in hospital to see his penis fully bandaged



\- Doctor, what is wrong with my penis?

\- You had an accident. A shark bit you.

\- It bit my penis off??

\- No, no, thank God, no! It just bit off the tip. We managed to save most of it.

\- How much did it bite off?

\- Well.. you had a tattoo there?
...

Did you hear about the soldier who was attacked with mustard gas and pepper spray?

He was a seasoned veteran

I got attacked by a goose today.

Needless to say, I used some fowl language.

I saw a clickbait article: "Watch Eminem attack Trump like no President has ever been attacked."

I mean... Kennedy was shot in the head... But ok.

Did you know the Secret Service is no longer allowed to say "GET DOWN!" when the President is getting attacked?

Now they're required to say "Donald, duck!"

Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's i...

Why do koi fish travel in groups of four?

To protect the group from predators. When attacked, kois A, B, and C will go in one direction. The fourth one is the D koi.

Xbox attacked Playstation.

Here comes the ambulance! Wii U Wii U Wii U

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was attacked by three men last night. I managed to knock one out.

Probably wasn't the best time to have a wank but I thought fuck it, it might be the last chance I get.

I got attacked while vacationing in Russia

All I remember was seeing Tsars.

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying t...

A robber attacked a man and said:

-Give me all your money!
The man said:
- You do know I'm a politician,right?!
-OK , give me all of MY money then! the man replied.

Tip for when you are attacked by a bear

Play dead.

It will be good practice for when you die a couple minutes later.

Reports are coming in that Boy George has been attacked by a reptile on the set of I'm a Celebrity.

They should have got a calmer Chameleon, but apparently, they come and go.

How should a farmer dress so he doesn't get attacked by his chickens?

Impeccably

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tough to be Irish

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.

" Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A comedian was getting attacked for his routine being too sexist

So, he replaced the word "women" with "white, rich, republican women". The audience stopped complaining.

It's a bit embarrassing to admit here, but I was once attacked by a whole bunch of street mimes..

#

..and they did some unspeakable things to me.

What did I do when Iraq was attacked?

Iran

Dog attack

A guy limps up to a bar. "What happened to you?" the bartender asks. "On the walk over here I was attacked and bitten on the leg by this giant dog," the guy says. "Oh, no! Imagine if it had been a small child!" the bartender exclaims. "Well, I think I could have fought off a small child, Gary," the...

Protesters in Paris just attacked a fromagerie (cheese shop)!

There's nothing left but de brie.

A giant fly has attacked the local Police Station

Police have called in the SWAT team

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got attacked by the Phantom Masturbator

I never saw him coming.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a ninja who attacked people with high-powered semen.

No one would ever see him coming.

Did you hear about the guy who changed his name after surviving being attacked by a lion?

He's now called Claud.

Did you hear that a flock of ducks attacked the American Kennel Club event?

It happened because all the dogs were pure bread.

My friend was attacked with a pickaxe recently

Luckily his injuries were minor

What did the Mongol invaders say to the Hungarians when they suddenly appeared and attacked?

"Should have watched your steppe."

I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'

I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming...

I got attacked by a plant with leaves that looked like pork.

It was a ham bush!

Being attacked by three armed men is really unfortunate

but at least they didn't have four arms

So a redditor got attacked with a sword...

...but they reposted it.

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear...

You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away

I was attacked by a politically correct zombie.......

I screamed “oh no a zombie!”
And he replied “ummm actually the term is living impaired”

I was attacked by a band of flying nuns.

It was a total Cloisterflock.

I went golfing the other day and heard a woman running towards the pro shop, screaming that she was attacked by wasps.

I ran over and asked where she got stung. She said "Right between the first and second hole." I said, "First of all I think your stance is a little wide."

A man was attacked by a guy with an upholstery nail gun.

He's okay. He's recovered now.

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