Assassins Jokes - 19 Hilarious Assassins Jokes

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Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

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$10,000/bullet Assassin

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'l...

There used to be a school for assassins in New York

It was actually the place where John Wick was trained.

The school would take in orphans and abandoned children and train them, from a young age, to be merciless killers.

As one might imagine, it was a very harsh environment for anyone to grow up, in fact the only real love and affectio...

What music do assassins listen to?

Hits.

What do boxers and assassins have in common?

They both hitmen

Why do assassins and thieves always wear leather armour in videogames?

Because it's made from hide!

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2 Assassins Are Talking To Each Other

One of them asks "Whats your body count?"

The second Assassin says, "10,000".

The first Assassin spits out his drink and says, "Are you serious? Is that for murder or sex?"

The second Assassin says, "Yes."

Six Assassins Walk into a Bar

The first assassin is killed with a gunshot to the head by the second, who is in turn shot in the neck from the third assassin, who succumbs to a hole in the chest from the fourth, who bleeds out from a gun to the temple from the fifth, who gets executed by the sixth.

"W-what can I do for you...

Why are amputees good assassins?

Because they don't leave fingerprints

What’s an assassins favorite type of food

Takeout

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Golfing assassin

So a guy was out golfing by himself when he ran into a stranger who asked if they should play together. The guy would love some company and said yes.

So they were walking along the golf course chatting when the topic of professions came up.
"What do you do for a living?", the guy says. ...

The CIA are training assassins

Two men and a woman make it into the final test

The first man walks into the final test room and the CIA says “Behind that door is your wife walk in and shoot her”

The man says “Oh no, I can’t do that, I really can’t”
So the CIA escort him out the building

The second man wal...

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The CIA is running a recruitment program for potential assassins...

The recruiter has selected three canidates, two men and a woman.
He hands a gun to the first man and says, "Okay, your wife is in that interrogation room. If you want in, then you have to kill her."
The man immediate refuses and is sent home.
The recruiter then hands the gun to the sec...

I really admire assassins.

Not because of the genius way that they go about their craft, but because they managed to get "ass" in the same word twice.

What do assassins do when they have nothing to do?

They kill time

What do hired assassins, snipers, and hit men talk about at their backyard BBQs?

They all share stories of their smoked meets.

Why are hipsters such great assassins?

Because they hide the bodies in places no one has ever heard of.

Why are assassins so good at dates?

Because they know how to take someone out.

I just saw the Assassins Creed Movie Trailer...

I did not expect The Spanish Inquisition.

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