UPJOKE
afghanistanindiabangladeshkashmirirankarachilahorepunjabindonesiaisraelsaudi arabiachinaunited kingdomurdusri lanka

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Pakistan president calls to Obama in the morning

And says "I'm sorry to hear about the terrorist attacks in New York, I wanted to be the first one to call and show my support to America"

After a pause Obama replies "What attack? I have no news of such attacks yet"

A dramatic silence prevails

After a while Obama hears a voice ...

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Proper procedural Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Pathan couple decided that enough is enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fi...

I was depressed and called Lifeline...

It connected to a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was feeling suicidal. They got really excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

What is the national bird of Pakistan?

An american military drone

69 years ago

69 years ago both India and Pakistan got independence on this day.

Indians have become heads of Google, Microsoft, Pepsico, Jaguar, Land Rover and

Pakistanis have become heads of Taliban, Al-Qaeda, Jammat U Dawa, Hijbul Mujahideen

Also India entered Mars but Pakistan still try...

Meanwhile in Lahore...

A terrorist blows up his own house, after the Pakistan Government issued a *Work From Home* advisory to it's citizens.

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As we landed in Pakistan the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how the fuck do I turn it back to the 7th century?

Why does Pakistan never get a corner during a football match?

Every corner they get, they open a shop on it

Two Beggars in London. (NSFW)

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot ...

I got punched twice for making a dadjoke.

Once in India, another in Pakistan.

It was Pun Jab.

Trump to bartender: We are going to nuke Pakistan & kill Mia Khalifa

Bartender: why mia khalifa?

Trump to Imaran Khan: see nobody cares about Pakistan!

They've recently discovered a brand new use for goats in Pakistan...

They're calling it "Milk"

An Afghan escaping from Taliban walks in through the Pakistani border...

He is immediately stopped by Pakistani border patrol agents and asked to identify himself. He stops and says he's the Minister of Ports & Shipping of Afghanistan.

Paxtani border officer: "But there is no sea in Afghanistan. How can you be the Minister of Ports & Shipping?"

Afg...

A co worker asked me where Pakistan was today...

"He's outside with Paki Steve" I told him.

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Sex after death

*Sex After Death*
----------------------------------------

A Parsi couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husba...

Enrique Peña Nieto, Malala Yousafzai, and Donald Trump are walking along a beach

It's a bit of an oldie, and I think the last time I heard it, it came off as pretty racist. But I think the current political climate allows me to rehash it better.

Enrique Peña Nieto, who is the Mexican President, is walking along the beach one day with the US President, Donald Trump, and p...

My French girlfriend cheated on me and then suddenly moved to Pakistan.

Lahore.

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A guy named Sarim works at a bakery in Lahore, Pakistan.

As a gopher, he is obligated to serve the baker. One day the baker says "Sam, go and get me a bag of flour." Sam goes to get the bag and puts it on his head. Unfortunately the bag breaks and covers him from head to toe. Dejected, he walks back to the kitchen. "Oh my goodness Sam! What happened?"
...

People say that Pakistan is a terrorist nation.....

Guys it's not true, even Osama bin Laden lived there peacefully for 6 years

If Pakistan PM Imran Khan could resolve Kashmir issue with dialogue,

he wouldn't have married three times.

A geography teacher assigned each of his students a country to find on a map

He gave them the task of finding their assigned country on the globe, and explaining how it can be identified

'I can find Italy on the globe, Sir' says James 'It's easy because it looks like a boot'

'Well done James' says the teacher

'I can find Pakistan on the globe' says Emily...

On a flight from Dubai to NYC, I met a cheerful gentleman from Pakistani. He stressed that Pakistan is now a new country, peaceful & totally against terrorism

To prove his point, he decided not to hijack the plane.

What do you call a man from Pakistan who's been everywhere and done everything?

Bindair Dundat

Latest scores from the Qatar World Cup

* Bangladesh 2,500
* India 1,200
* Sri Lanka 1,150
* Nepal 800
* Pakistan 650
* Qatar 0

Former Pakistan PM and cricket legend Imran Khan survived an assassination attempt. Doctors said he has a leg bullet wound.

I guess he is Out, LBW.

Whats the difference between a school in Pakistan and an Al Qaeda base?

Not too sure. I just fly the drone.

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What do you call a French prostitute in Pakistan?

Lahore

how did I get from Iraq to Pakistan

Iran

NEWS FLASH: Massive earthquake devastates Pakistan

I major earthquake hits pakistan causing massive damage and loss of lives. Early reports outline damage to infrastructure, roads, power and water supply. A horryfying number of confirmed casulties lists 1 million dead with many stilll unaccounted for.

The world leaders have come to togeth...

When it comes to corruption in countries Nigeria takes first place and Pakistan comes in second.

I have a feeling that Pakistan bribed Nigeria to take first place…

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Pakistan is opening an amusement park

Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place.

The zoo is pretty cool, but you won't be able to see the seals until it's too late....

Pakistan's capital city Islamabad has extended the ongoing lockdown for another eight days as the number of Covid-19 patients rose to 82, Dawn News reported today.

Things have gone from Islamabad to Islamaworse...

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Two Pakistani guys move to Australia…

When they get off the plane one of the Pakistani guys says to the other,

“You know what? We’re both from Pakistan but seeing as we’re in Australia why don’t we immigrate for real? I mean really become true blue Aussies! Here’s my idea: You and me part ways for six months and try and soak up t...

A reporter asks a man traveling across Asia on foot how he got from Iraq to Pakistan so quickly.

"Iran"

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Two families make a bet on who can be more american

Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.

A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a ...

Pakistan makes nuclear threat in response to fake news

The struggle Israel

A charity single has been released in aid of Pakistan flood relief...

Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed.

Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force...

...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America.

Pakistan is such a weird country

It's a Muslim country but their capital is Islamabad?

I HAD A ROUGH YEAR

It was a tough year, but I made it !!!
But not everyone is as lucky as I am......
Economy is so bad, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniatu...

What healthcare program is offered to the citizens of Pakistan?

OsamaCare... It's the bomb.

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Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.Between the ages of 18-21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful. Between the ages of 21-30, a woman is l...

A homage to the puerto rico contract awarded to minor utility company makong the news today : 3 contractors bid for government work

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington D.C. One from Bangladesh, another from Pakistan and the third from China.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some meas...

Did you hear about the bomb blast in Pakistan?

Apparently the terrorists were tired of the commute and wanted to work from home for a while

Trump's first day at the Oval Office after being elected President

First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:

Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.

CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.

Trump: The Democrats created them.

CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you w...

Did you know the 80's pop band "A Flock of Seagulls" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan

And Iran, I ran so far away!

Instant Cure

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

India and Pakistan calling each other out

Kashmir Outside

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These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take h...

I have two sweaters. One made in Pakistan, the other in India.

They're both Cashmere.

Reports of terrible flooding in Pakistan

Authorities fear it was the work of a suicide plumber

What Is The National Bird Of Pakistan..

***General Atomics MQ-1 Predator***

Pakistan has shot down 2 Indian Jet fighters.

Using sophisticated Sikh - Heating missiles.

It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.

Talk Abbottabad place to hide.

Did you hear about the refuse collector in Pakistan who died after carrying too much rubbish?

He was Bin Laden.

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A few Indian pilots went to Russia for the training of modern MiG-27 aircraft

Russian instructor:

Press this button to takeoff.

Press this button to turn the plane right.

Press this button to turn the plane left.

Pressing this button to go up.



At the end of the training, Indian pilots stood up and asked.



But how will w...

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Do you have a small 2$ to spare?

Do you have a small 2$ to spare? Tariq is a 10 year old Pakistani from Pakistan who lives in a tiny village and has to walk 7 miles everyday to bring water for his family. Tariq only has one arm and can barely walk because his legs are uneven, so he has to do the long commute on a bike. Unfortunatel...

Politics in Pakistan

You don't cast your vote.

You vote your caste.

What did the stubborn Hindu in Pakistan say after partition?

Na-ama-ste

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"Grab your stuff. We're going to Pakistan."

...a guy tells friend.

"Really? Just like that we're going to Pakistan? I don't have the time for that."

"Oh c'mon. It'll only take a few minutes."

"What?! And anyways, isn't dangerous over there right now?"

"Nah...I mean, she's pissed, but I don't think she's dangerous."...

An American mistakes a Hindu from India as a Muslim from Pakistan

Indian guy goes "Excuse me sir, you seem to have mistaken me for a Muslim from Pakistan. I belong to 711 not 911."

I will show myself out.

TRUMP IS NOT MY PRESIDENT!

Because I live in Pakistan.

Shovels, Asses and Camels

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this ...

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We will see who is more American!

Two brothers from Pakistan move to America and when they arrive in New York one brother says to the other, "I am more American than you!" to which the other replies, "No no no no. I am more American than you!"... "No no no... okay, we make a bet, in five years we meet back here at this exact spot an...

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