It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

Buddhism is opposed to our always-on, technologically driven lives.

It’s not the emails that are the problem. It’s the attachments.

Dev was a coder and wanted to marry a girl but his parents opposed

DEVELOPED

A country which is so opposed to communism

Is itself named us

Just saw a fun fact that said, "Babies are more likely to be born on Tuesdays."

As opposed to what? ADULTS being born on Tuesdays?

My blonde wife is staunchly opposed to my kids having a vacation.

She’s convinced they cause autism.

Some older generations are opposed to Chinese people immigrating to our country.

It's racist but some people will never chang.

I hear scientists have recently started using lawyers as opposed to rats for scientific experiments...

They do this for two reasons;

One, The scientists become less attached to the lawyers.

And two, there are certain things that even *rats* won't do.


(This is a joke from the film, **Hook**. I never realized how funny it was)

One day, a lawyer finds a genie's lamp.

The lawyer rubs the lamp, and the genie comes out.


"You have three wishes," the genie says. "The only rule is that you can't wish for more wishes."


After thinking for a while, the lawyer finally says, "I wish the word *splork* were interchangeable with the word *wish*. Nex...

I am vehemently opposed to protest!

But, I'm not sure how to show it.

I'm from Canada, Eh.

As opposed to what, Canada B?

How do you tell if someone is opposed to GMOs?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

Did you guys hear they’re thinking about closing the Philadelphia mint?

Im not opposed, it just makes cents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

Heard they are getting rid of the 1p coin. Not sure how I feel about this...

On one hand I'm opposed to change but on the other I'm opposed to change.

A lighthouse was installed at an Alaskan cape near a remote Inuit village

The leader of the village opposed the installation, but the US government overruled him.

One foggy morning, the village leader said to his people, "I told you that thing no good. Look at it: light flash, bell ring, horn go woo-woo. But fog come in, just like always."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was born in a very conservative family

so I am very much opposed to the idea of sex before marriage. This is why I always wait for women to get married before I sleep with them.

One-night stands are great with drummers

As opposed to guitarists, there's no strings attached.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

After years of saving Saul finally had enough money to get his eye transplant in China

His wife was opposed to the idea on moral grounds. His brother was worried he might lose what little sight he had now. His friends were worried that what he was doing wasn't entirely legal.

He dismissed them all one by one and finally bought his ticket and set off with grim determination. <...

A blonde takes part in a game show

[Disclaimer: I don't know whether this counts as a joke, if not please tell me which subreddit would be suitable, 'cause it's actually a pretty fun "story"]

First question: how long did the Hundred Years War last?

a) 99 years

b) 116 years

c) 100 years

d) 150 years<...

There was a study on Crows done in the UK....

As we all know, crows are very smart animals. They've learned that if they drop a nut into traffic, cars will run over it and break it open. This is usually performed by 2 crows; one to do the dropping and retrieving, and the second to signal no the first one when traffic is clear and it's safe to g...

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Theodore Roosevelt and William McKinley were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue

Theodore Roosevelt and William McKinley were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue. As they passed the intersection with 15th street NW, they came across a man dressed as a massive phallus smoking a cigarette.

Roosevelt, being opposed to the use of tobacco products, stopped the man and said "Son, ...

The Egg

I'm utterly opposed to any form of egg cracking on anyone's head and I totally condemn the act of the underage violent vigilante who cracked an egg on senators head. However with that being said what it highlights is the endless distribution and importing of eggs all around the world. Rising fear of...

Three surgeons was meeting for a drink...

... Here they ended up talking shop, and the first proclaimed:

"The easiest patients to operate on, are accountants! All their organs are numbered."


The second surgeon did dissagree:

"I think the easiest patients to operate on, are painters! All their organs got different co...

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A kindergarten teacher asked her students to talk about what they did during the recent school holidays.

She asked them to use "grown-up words" as opposed to baby language.

The first little one said he went to see his "nana." The teacher said, "No! You went to see your 'grandmother.' Use grown-up words."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a "choo choo." The teacher said again...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Real or fake

I walked into the store the other day, and immediately noticed the girl working there. She was conventionally attractive and had really big breasts. I mean, really big.

I was just there to browse around, but I couldn't help myself. Something made me go over to this girl, and I nervously asked...

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The Secret of the Monastery

One night, a young man got lost in the woods while out hunting. As he walked to and fro to find a familiar landmark, he stumbled upon a very old and dreary looking building. He banged at the wooden double doors and called out, "Help please! I am lost! Could you help me?"

The door opened with ...

TIL several states in the South banned calculus from schools in the 1950's.

Apparently they opposed integration.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do they say "fuck you" in...

... New York? "Trust me."

... Alabama? "That's nice."

... Australia? "Mate, ..." (as opposed to, "... mate.")

... Canada? "I'm sorry you feel that way."

... The armed forces? "With all due respect..."

... Congress? "Thank you."

... Press conferences? "No co...

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"Looking back", I told the court,...

"I probably should've phrased my statement as 'My 2004 Ford has been written off' as opposed to 'I've just fucked a 14 year old Esocort'"

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