UPJOKE
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Have you heard about the rising political tensions between yogurt and penicillin? One side is probiotic, and the other is antibiotic.

They're calling it a culture war.

What's the opposite of antibiotic?

Uncle biotic

What kind of antibiotic do you give to an Italian?

Amoxsicilian

One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets..

..It’s never going viral.

My cat needed to take some antibiotics recently, so I wrapped it up in ham

When it couldn't run away it made the whole process much easier.

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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

Teacher: What is the opposite of antibiotic

Student: Uncle-biotic

I was really bummed out about being prescribed antibiotics...

Until I realized this is closest I’ll ever get to being a fungi

they say that antibiotics prevent birth control from working

I don't know, I've taken antibiotics before and my personality still did its usual job

Doctor prescribed me some antibiotics to start taking after my first dinner, I however took them before...

So I could take on the bacteria by surprise.

What present can you give to the woman who has everything?

Antibiotics.

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."


2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffec...

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The patient goes to see a doctor: “I am pooping like noodles!”

“Like literally, my poop is shaped like noodles,” the patient says as he sits down in the consulting room.

Doc is dumbfounded. In all his years of training and practice, he hasn’t encountered a symptom like this. He thinks hard and prescribes some antibiotics, hoping they will solve the probl...

Man sends to his sister who lives abroad

"Your favorite cat died"
She replied: "WTF man, this took me by surprise, you should've prepared me for such tragic news"
-and how on earth would I do that?
-first you tell me the cat went outside to play, the next day you say the weather has been freezing these few days, I wo...

When the apocalypse starts, it's good to know that:

The meat of vegans comes from free-range farms fed a purely plant-based diet and is therefore completely free of various industrial antibiotics and growth hormones.

Mongolian VD

A man goes to the doctor and says "I just got back from South-East Asia and I seem to have picked up something". So the doctor says "let's take a look" and the patient drops trou and his pride and joy has turned a sickly green with vibrant purple spots on.

"Oh my," says the doctor, "up to now...

What's the difference

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys some antibiotics, pays $25.45, walks out. A second later, the pharmacist bolts out of the pharmacy, catches up with the man, and breathlessly says: "sir, there's been a mistake! Instead of the antibiotics, I gave you Cyanide. " The man asks: "and what's the differen...

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A Man Walks Into the Neigbourhood Bar

He goes in and orders a drink for himself. He notices an attractive lady sitting by herself a couple tables away. Too attractive for someone of his own league, he thinks to himself.

Halfway through too many drinks though, he ends up plucking up enough courage and approaches her. "May I sit do...

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Man goes to the doctor and says... (dirty/swearing)

Man says, ‘Dr, Dr, I think I may have gonorrhea!!’

Dr: ‘Don’t stress, we’ll fix you up with some antibiotics before you leave.’

Man: ‘No Dr, you don’t understand, I’ve been fucking the maid and I think she may have it too.’

Dr: ‘Ah, I see. Ok, make her an appointment also’.
...

A man visits the doctor because he’s suffering from a miserable winter cold.

His doctor prescribes some antibiotics, but they don’t help. On his next visit, the doctor gives the man a shot, but it doesn’t do any good. On his third visit, the doctor tells the man to go home and take a steaming hot bath. As soon as he gets out of the bath, he should open all of the windows in ...

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Vacation Blues

I had returned from my vacation trip to China during which I spent an evening with a most interesting young lady.
One morning about a week later I felt the most excruciating pain coming from my penis.

Upon inspection I discovered to my horror that my penis had turned blue and green.
...

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Computerized Diagnosis !

Jack :-“My elbow really hurts I guess I should see doctor.

His friend “Don’t be so desi. There’s a computer at the
drug store that can diagnose anything quicker andcheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer
will diagnose your problem and tell yo...

A woman goes to the doctor.

A woman goes to the doctor and tells him a story.


She is recently retired, and last week, she went on a trip to a secluded beach resort. She started hiking on a trail, got lost, and slipped and hurt her ankle. She was quite worried, because it was in a secluded spot and she couldn't mo...

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At a country club tennis court, a man clutches his elbow in pain...

He says to his friend, "Geez, my elbow aches. I think I should see a doctor about this".

The friend says, "Well before you do, why don't you try that machine in the locker room. You pee in a cup, and it writes you a prescription!"

Although skeptical, the man agrees to try out the machi...

The Doctor and The Veterinarian

Two lifelong friends, a doctor and a vet, are in a bar. Over the course of a few drinks the topic of conversation moves to work.

"You are lucky" says the vet "Your patients come in and tell you what is wrong with them. It would make treating them so much simpler"
"Ah" retorts the doctor "...

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There were two elderly people living in a nursing home...

Let's call them Fred and Ethel. Now both Fred and Ethel were widowers and got quite lonely. They would just go about their day, seemingly down all the time because their companion was no longer with them. Both of them would just stare vacantly at the tv watching reruns of older shows. One day, Fred...

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