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Amy Jokes

Did you hear about that time a hitman held a writer at gunpoint and forced him to write for Amy Schumer?

The hitman warned him, “Don’t get any funny ideas!”

Did you know that the Mario Bros have a sister?

It's Amy Mario!

Two cannibals were eating Amy Schumer.

One says, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

The other one goes, 'No'.

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

What’s the best name for the wife of a marksman?

Amy

Why did I name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse?

Because it's just going to die and leave needles everywhere.

*As told to me by David Sedaris while getting a book signed.

One stolen joke is a coincidence. Two stolen jokes is a pattern.

Thirty stolen jokes is an Amy Schumer special.

did anybody see that hilarious Amy schumer bit?

me neither

Question: If it's not funny, is it still a joke?

Answer: In the case of Amy Schumer, yes.

I don’t care what anyone says, Amy Schumer is extremely talented.

I mean who else can steal jokes from others, and still remain remarkably unfunny.

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels comes alive when you add Coke.

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Of course trump will challenge the results. He will not take no for an answer.

Just ask Ivana trump, Jill hearth, Jean carrol, summer zervos, alva Johnson, Jessica leeds, Kristen Anderson, Lisa boyne, Cathy heller, temple McDowell, Amy dorris, Karena Virginia, karen Johnson, mindy mcgillivary, Jennifer Murphy, Rachael crooks, Natasha stoynoff, juillet huddy, Jessica drake, nin...

What would Amy Winehouse be doing if she were alive today?

Scratching at the lid of her coffin.



Too soon?

Amy Schumer

So I was talking to my friend and he says
“You ever see that really funny bit Amy Schumer did?”
I reply with “No”
He says “Yeah, neither did anyone else”.

After the car crash that left me brain-damaged, things were really looking down

I used to be a carcinologist that specialised in lobsters. I loved what I did, but I couldn't even get out of the house on my own after the accident, much less go to work. I fell into a deep depression.


My scientist friends wanted to cheer me up, and so they engineered a robot lobster tha...

Who is Greta Thunbergs favorite comedian.

Amy schumer because she recycles all her jokes!

Blonde and the insemination man

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a

Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,

the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to
impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above
where the cow's stall is in the barn. ...

They say if you have to explain a joke then it's not funny.

Which is probably why it took me so long to explain Amy Schumer to my mom.

So a Sunday School teacher asks her class where Jesus is.

Little Susie says, “In Heaven!”

Little Amy says, “In my heart!”

Little Johnny says, “In my bathroom!”

Perplexed, the Sunday School teacher asks little Johnny why Jesus would be in his bathroom.

“I don’t know, I just hear my dad every morning banging on the bathroom door a...

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A literal version of 'your joke, but better': I got a tattoo of my girlfriend's name on my penis...

...in full, the tattoo says "FOR AMY" on it.

So I went to a bar, had a few drinks, went to take a leak, and noticed the guy next to me had "FOUR EARTH" tattooed on his.

I couldn't help but laugh and say to him "First off, you misspelled "FOR", secondly, you really think you'll get ever...

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Why are hurricanes named after women?

Because when they come, they're wild and wet. And when they leave, they take your house and car.



(Fuck you, Amy!)

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The worst part of this election...

...isn't that Donald Trump won, but that fucking Amy Schumer is reneging on her promise to leave the country.

What’s got 7 kids and loves to f**k women?

Amy Comey Barrett

Literally the guy you asked for

A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, “Looking for a guy that won’t beat me, won’t run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.”

Three days later, there’s a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there’s a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling e...

Feel old yet?

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.". Well . . . you'll love this one..The stuff is from a lady called Amy

"My name is Amy. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his ...

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If sex was humor

Call me Amy Schumer

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I kind of feel bad for Amy Schumer over people calling her unfunny.

I mean can you imagine being so bad at comedy that you have to steal *shitty* jokes?

Haters, Amy Schumer just got another Netflix special announced, who's laughing now

^(still nobody)

Three bullets [NSFW] [LONG]

A woman (we'll call her Sally) is pregnant with triplets. She goes to a bank to get some money from her account, but unfortunately, the bank is being robbed. The robber shoots her three times with a gun. Each bullet hits one of her triplets, but she survives and so do they. Three months later, she g...

Do you think Amy Schumer knows about this community?

Her career could skyrocket if she discovered us.

What’s seven inches long and hasn’t been sucked in years?

Amy Winehouse’s crackpipe

A teacher asks her class to come up with a sentence...

...that contains the word "contagious."

Amy stands up and says "Last week my mummy had the flu. It was contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Then Becky stands up and says "a long time ago the Bubonic Plague affected a lot of Europe and because it was very contagiou...

What do you hear right before watching an hour-long compilation of different comedians' jokes?

Please welcome Amy Schumer.

How conservative will Amy Coney Barrett's decisions be as a Supreme Court Justice?

I don't know, ask her husband.

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The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.

Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material

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If 2019 was shit

Then 2020 would be a septic tank filled with Amy Schumer Jokes.

Maybe the end of Amy Schumer's new show is really funny.

I guess nobody will ever know.

Whats the difference between a cow and redditors on r/jokes?

Amy Schumer waits more than a few hours to steal jokes.

My jokes haven’t been hitting lately.

Call me Amy Schumer.

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A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."

A second little boy says,"Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Then little Johnny from the back of the cla...

Do you ever make a good joke...

Just to flex on Amy Schumer?

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A boy sits in class watching the clock when the teacher stands up in front of the class

And tells the class since there isn't much time before the end of class and it was Friday she will play a game with them. She explains the rules.

Teacher: Guess which president said the quote and you can leave early.

The boy is excited this is his favorite subject and he knows he is go...

Son:Dad, why is my sister's name "Amy"?

Son: Dad, why is my sister's name "Amy"?
Dad: Because its an anagram for "May", the favorite month of your mother.
Son: Thanks for the help ,dad.
Dad: No problem, Alan.

"Luigi, what was the name of that Schumer chick that no one likes?"

"It's Amy, Mario."

$200

Little Johnny was in his maths class one day when the teacher said to him "If I gave you $200," the teacher began," and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally, $50 to Susan and $50 to Amy, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.

A young, married Asian couple,

Russell and Amy Wong were expecting their first baby. When Amy went into labor, they rushed to the hospital and several hours later, Amy gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. They were both over the moon with happiness.

Since it had gotten very late, Russell went home to get a few hou...

I like music by underground artists

Like Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain, Michael Jackson, John Lennon, Bob Marley and Prince.

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Amy Schumer porn

Fuck this isn’t google...

Amy Winehouse has become a real inspiration for me

She's going on 6 years sober now.

Kim Kardashian, Pitbull and Amy Schumer walk into a bar.

They set it lower.

Funny Super Bowl Ads;

Amy Schumer has said she won't do any Super Bowl commercials this year in support of Colin Kapernic.

Thank God! Maybe this years Super Bowl commericals will be funny.

I failed my audition as Amy Schumer

I told an actual joke.

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A man wakes up and finds himself in a dark place.

Suddenly, the lights turn on. Closing his eyes because of the dazzling light, he then hears a voice:

-John, you were dead while sleeping and reincarnated into a duck. Now your job is to lay eggs...

Terrified, John tries to call for help but the only sounds escaping his mouth are "quack...

I was sad I missed a Dave Chappelle special on T.V...

But then my girlfriend reminded me, I can just watch Amy Schumer to hear all his best jokes.

I would like to congratulate Amy Winehouse

on almost 4 years of sobriety.

What's the difference between Amy Schumer and a bank robber?

A bank robber steals something of value.

World is Flat.

"World is Flat". Jhonny said.

"How can you say that without any proof, Jhonny?" Amy replied.

"You're my world, Amy", he replied.

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