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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick"

She said: how do you get dick from kyle?

I replied: you just ask nicely.

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky,

“Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...”

“Well, all right, three times...”

“Three, hmmm. When were they?”...

Becky was on her deathbed...

Becky was on her deathbed.
Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.

My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love,"...

One afternoon a teacher gives her class a homework assignment to go home and have their parents tell them a story with a moral.

The next morning the teacher stands in front of the class and asks, “would anyone like to share the story from their homework?”

25 little hands shoot in the air and the teacher calls on a young boy.

“Well,” starts the boy, “my family raises chickens, and one time our chicken laid 9 eg...

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she's American and asks her students to raise their hands if they're American too...

Not really knowing why, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air like fireworks.

There is, however, one exception, a girl named Becky isn't going along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an American....

Abe & Becky are in bed ....

Abe says to Becky 'Take off your nightie' to which Becky says 'No'

Abe tries again 'Please take off your nightie'. 'No' says Becky.

Abe is really frustrated, gets up and goes out for a walk slamming the door behind him - so Becky locks it.

When Abe gets back he hammers on the do...

Modern Pedophiles

A pedophile sits in his van outside a middle school, to try and get 'lucky' with some of the girls just getting out of class.

The first girl walks across the streets from school and he says, "Hey honey, could you come here, I need directions."

She responds she doesn't talk to strangers...

The one with a big hole and an anvil

So there were two hunters walking in the wilderness when one spots a giant hole.

"Holy guacamole, look out for that hole!" he says to the other hunter.

Noticing it, the second hunter has an idea. "I wonder how deep it is." he says, picking up a rusty anvil sitting on the ground and dro...

Two hunters were walking in the woods...

One of them stops and says, "Whoa, whoa! Watch out for that hole!".

They both stop and look down what appears to be the deepest hole they'd ever seen, right in the ground in front of them.

"How deep is that?", one of them asks the other.

"I dunno, let's throw something down an...

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.

The first blonde says, "Hey, look at that, deer tracks!"

The second blonde chimes in and responds, "No, Becky, those are moose tracks!"

The third blonde steps in and says, "You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!"

The three blondes kept arguing about what animal ...

Full House is becoming a trilogy

Danny Tanner was the focus of Full House.
D.J. Tanner is the focus of Fuller House.
Aunt Becky will be spending time in the Big House.

Two men stand around a hole

Two men are standing around this big hole, looking down it there seems to be no end in sight. One says "Hey let's see how far this thing goes down" so they pick up this rusty anvil they find and drop it down.
WOOoo^oo^oosh
They don't even hear it hit the bottom. Not long after this, a goat co...

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My snake likes what he likes...

A man and his snake walk into a restaurant.
The man seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Shortly later, Becky the waitress comes to take his order and the man declares, “I want 22 hamburgers- two for me and 20 for my pet snake here.”
Becky the basic wh...

So, it turns out my girlfriend is cheating on me

I asked her what she was doing, she said she was in the mall with Becky.
I know that's a lie, because I'm lying right next to Becky in her bed

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A elderly man stops a car in a deserted highway holding a shotgun.

The person driving the car pulls to a halt and stepped out with his hands raised. It was already 2am and it was completely dark. The old man ask him to unzip his own pants and release his penis. The driver was shocked and did so fearing whats he gonna do. The old man asked the driver to jerk himself...

A teacher asks her class to come up with a sentence...

...that contains the word "contagious."

Amy stands up and says "Last week my mummy had the flu. It was contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Then Becky stands up and says "a long time ago the Bubonic Plague affected a lot of Europe and because it was very contagiou...

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The Cure

Gus was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day Gus went to the store an...

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There once was a little fella in school named Dirty Johnny...

One day in class, the teacher says "Now, this is what you're gonna do here, class, I want you to stand up and tell a story from your life, and then afterwards, reveal the moral to that story".

So a girl raises her hand. "Yes, Becky! What's your story?".
So Becky stands up and she says "My ...

A couple are out having dinner

They are in the middle of their meal when a gorgeous young woman walks up to the table, kisses him on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie."

The wife is furious. "Who was that?"

That was Giselle. She's my mistress."

"That's it. I've suspected for a long time, but to have...

My girlfriend said to me "I've never been more wet in my life..."

I said "Well we are playing tennis Becky"

Please use William Shatner in a sentence...

"Becky took Williams toy, so William Shatner lunch pail."

An 87 year old man marries a 27 year old girl...

They decide to go to exotic India for their honeymoon. But once they arrive the man is exhausted by jet lag and isn't able to consummate the marriage. He begs her forgiveness and says "I just need a little nap and then we can go."

3 hours later he's still asleep and his young chick is bored a...

Dear John Revenge (Sorry if repost)

Again, sorry if this is a re post but I love it!

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance
between us is just too great. I must ad...

Reason for Divorce

The other day at work I ran into Tom.

We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombshell on me.

"Rodney," he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce."

I was stunned.

"Why?

What happened, you two seem so happy together."

"Well," he said, "ever since...

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A joke I heard on a stand up routine.

My friend has a four year old daughter and incidentally she is the funniest person you'll ever meet. One day she came home from school and I was over at his house so I asked her "hey, how was school today?" And she responded "okay. But Becky hit me in the balls with a football."

Now she has...

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An all girls school, school bus flips over and kills all the girls. When arriving at heaven's gates...

they are asked to get into a line. Jesus stands at the front and asks the first girl if she had ever done something with a boy's privates. She responds "yes, I've touched one before." Jesus answers, "Ok please put your finger into the holy water and then enter heaven." So the girl dips her finger in...

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