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I once dated a girl named Rachel, but she turned out to be a nasty bitch. As a result, I now refuse to associate with women named Rachel

Then again, I could just be Rachel profiling

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students

A new lady teacher, came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with -name, and hobby. She said " Let's start with the boys first. Boys start giving their introduction.

First boy : " My name is john, and ...

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Rachel Maddow & Joy Reid die & go to heaven.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, God is there to greet them: "Welcome. You are free to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."


Breathlessly, without hesitating, Rachel asks, "Why didn't Mueller prosecute Trump-Russia treason? Was he in on the conspiracy???"

G...

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Carbon Footprint

An old jewish Gentleman, Izac, lies in his bed dying. He call to his wife "Rachel, Rachel, are you here?"

"Yes, my love I am here as are all your children & grandchildren." Said Rachel with the family gathered around the elder's bed.

"All of you" He queried, trying to see through c...

not many people know the friends characters represent all seven deadly sins

**Phoebe:**

**Joey:**

**Chandler:**

**Monica:**

**The monkey:**

**Rachel:**

**Ross:** pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth.

What STD do Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica all share?

The *clap clap clap clap clap.*

The least specific name for a “Friends” episode:

“The one where Rachel’s nipples were erect”

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There lil Johnny sat in the back of class...

as the teacher announced that "Today, if the students could name the famous Americans who said these famous quotes, they could go home early."

Excited, the whole class perked up.

"First one." Mr. Jones said. "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."

Every student's hand was up...

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I once dated a girl who had a twin.

I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart.

It was pretty simple, Rachel always painted her nails purple and Dave had a cock.

To the people comparing Rachel Dolezal pretending to be black to Caitlyn Jenner being trans...

Transrachel isn't the same as transjenner.

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

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A boy and a talking dog

A young boy goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad" he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!

They actually have a program here in our institution that will teach our dog, Jack...

Rachel Dolezal just announced she's writing an autobiography

it's titled "The Inward Woman"

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A few originals (hopefully) by me.

I read an article the other day that said women named Rachel are 10x more likely to get pulled over by the police...

Another terrible example of Rachel profiling.


_______


What do you call a dinosaur that is attempting to get his girlfriend to try new things in the bedr...

My wife came home from work and stormed angrily into the bedroom where I was sat.

"I get the impression you aren't being loyal to me," she said.

"Why?" I frowned.

"You've been very quiet recently. And you're always hanging around with that girl from work, Rachel?"

"Rochelle." coughed a voice from the wardrobe.

Anytime I watch a Jennifer Anniston movie, it seems like she’s playing the same character.

She is a victim of Rachel profiling.

A Jewish man calls the newspaper to publish an obituary notice for her wife

Shlomo: Hello, This is Shlomo, I want to publish an obituary notice for my wife Rachel.

Agent: Hello Shlomo, how shall we publish it, do you have any words in mind?

Shlomo: "Rachel is dead". That's enough.

Agent: Sir you can write more; its the same price.

Shlomo: Hmm ok...

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A teacher asks her student...

Teacher: "Rachel, what's the part of the body that can grow 9 times its initial size?"

R: "The penis"

T: "The pupil, but congratulate your boyfriend"

Don't step on the pink cloud

Three friends, Sarah, Emily, and Rachel were in a terrible car accident and died. They ended up at the gates of heaven. There was an angel standing there waiting to welcome them, and at the end of his welcome speech, he warned "no matter what you do, don't ever step on the pink cloud". Thus, the thr...

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There was an elderly nurse working overnight in an emergency room.

There was an elderly nurse working overnight in an emergency room. She had been doing this, and doing it well, for 45 years. She was a good nurse, always sharp as a tack, but she was getting to the point in life where she was just starting to get endearingly scatter brained. She would frequently get...

Girlfriend: Love you babe, xx…

*-I love you too!*
I’d be *so* happy if u put x's in when u SMS me...
*-Ok! Rachel, Sarah, Monica.*

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One of my favorite jew jokes.

3 Jewish mothers get together for lunch one day at a fancy restaurant on the upper east side in Manhattan. They haven't seen each other in years, so the conversation naturally, turns to their sons. The first one says, "My Moishe...he's the best doctor in all of New York. Celebrities see him. Michael...

A blind man goes into a restaurant

They don't have any braille menus, so he tells the waitress "Just bring me a dirty fork. Whatever I smell on it, I'll order."

So the waitress goes and grabs a fork from the sink, not knowing that another waitress had just used it to scratch her behind. She hands it to the blind man who sniffs...

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The Threesome

My wife asked me, "If you could have sex with any of my friends, who would you pick?"

I decided that any answer would get me in trouble, so I might as well go for broke. I said, "Rachel and Erin are really pretty. In fact, I bet they would enjoy a threesome!"

Thankfully, instead of get...

The missing sugar bowl

Mrs. Fisher comes to visit her son Jacob for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Rachel.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Jacob's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more cur...

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Today I received a message from Facebook

Fb : we would appreciate if you signed this petition

Me: what is it about ?

Fb: it’s about your continued faith in Facebook during these troubled times and requesting the govt not to put any sanctions

Me: you assholes stole our private information and sold it to others
...

Epic Chinese Movie Translation

While on vacation and downloading a DVD copy of War of the Worlds (2005) I laugh so hard from the English subtitle of what I downloaded and it turns out that it was a Pirated copy of the War of the Worlds.

Ray: It's OK...
(Subtitle: Do not fine, you is just fine.)

Rachel: Is Robby...

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A priest was in his office one day when he received a phone call

“is this St. Francis Catholic church?”
“yes” the priest replied
“are you the pastor there?”
“I am”
“Good. My name is Rachel, and I’m from the IRS. We were wondering if you would help us with a case. Do you know a Michael McCormick?”
“I do”
“Does he participate in your parish?”
...

"What an age-appropriate joke for /r/funny"

An old Jewish man is on his deathbed, and his family is gathered around him. He's too weak to lift his head or even open his eyes, but he can talk to his family.


"Rachel, my beloved wife of fifty-seven years. The love of my life, my soulmate, the woman God created me to be with, are you h...

A man is standing in front of a bar...

...named *Rachel's Legs*. A cop drives by, stops his vehicle and looks at the man. Then he drives off. 30 minutes later the cop drives by, looks at the man and drives off. 15 minutes later the same cop drives by again. He gets suspicious, gets out of his vehicle and walks over to the man. "Excuse me...

My girlfriend was asked to step aside and frisked at the airport for resembling a Friends character.

I think she was a victim of Rachel profiling.

Confused Nurse

A doctor is making his usual rounds in the hospital when he sees one of his patients running hysterically down the hallway screaming, while a nurse is chasing after him with a boiling pot of water.

The doctor says, "Nurse Rachel is always getting things confused... I told her to prick the boi...

The Bubba Joke--long

Bubba is talking to his friend in a bar and boasts to his friend that he knows everyone in the world. His friend, of course, doesn’t believe him.
“If you know everyone in the world, name everyone in this bar.” Bubba proceeds to name everyone—Joey, Rachel, Sam, Johnny, Bart, until everyone is name...

I'm celebrating international women's day by not having my wife make me a sandwich today.

I'm going to Subway and having Rachel make it instead.

The first Jewish president

On his first day in office, he calls his mother.

"Mom, you really have to come out to DC and check out the white house, it is amazing. Rachel and I would love to have you over.”

" Out there, with all the goyim? Its too busy for me."

"How's about a weekend at camp david. Its re...

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