My wife asked me why I carried a gun around the house…

I said “Transformers “

She laughed…

The toaster laughed…

The first potato to go to space was carried by the rocket Nick

Or, well, Spudnick

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.

Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

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It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

This priest decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An...

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".

Juan and Amal are twins, but their mother only carries around a picture of Juan.

When asked why she replies, “Once you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.”

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

The only reason there are pyramids in Egypt

is because they are too heavy to be carried to the British Museum

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe.They both drink a beer and go to walk out the door but the giraffe collapses on the floor.The guy carries on leaving the bar and the bartender shouts.... 'hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!

The guy replies....It's not a lion,it's a giraffe!

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Priest and his Donkey

A young priest wanted to raise money for his church, and seeing that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However , at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey.

The priest fig...

What do you call a train that carries gum

A chew-chew train

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

They always say „it’s not the cough that carries you off“

It’s the coffin they Carrie you off in.

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A Dyre Predicament

"So kind of you to cruise by, Superman. How are the kryptonite shackles treating you?"

"You won't get away with this! Who are you anyway? I've never fought you."

"Oh, that's because I'm not a villain. And I intend to keep it that way, which brings me to the nature of today's exercise...

A funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket.

They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled, "Watch out for that wall!"

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Too big for Pedro

Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar.

One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body."

Juanita says "Pees off you peeg."

So he ca...

Life is like the ocean

In the years before World War II, in a little Polish village, a learned rabbi used to teach his students, “Life is like the ocean.” And they would nod and respond, “Yes, life is like the ocean.” One young student was particularly taken with this philosophy, and he carried it with him through the lon...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

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Man bought a gun.

A few days later, the man goes to his therapist for a regular check-up.

Therapist: "why did you buy a gun? Do you feel unsafe in society or...?"

Man: "I got a gun because of my bird phobia"

Therapist: "I think you might be getting carried away"

Man: *firing into the ceili...

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences dow...

How is a joke like an animal?

When you dissect it, it dies.

Get it? Because just like when you take apart an animal to see how it works, it obviously can't be alive anymore, by the same logic, picking apart the inner workings of a joke by over-explaining the punchline is going to kill the humorous spirit it carries; it wo...

Who's the only soldier who doesn't have to give a salute to a 4-star general as he passes, and can give an order to that general and be absolutely certain that it will be carried out immediately?

A bomb tech specialist at a dead run.

The Hunter and the bear.

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away ...

So if a Chicken carries salmonella, and a Cow carries e-coli, what does a pig carry?

A gun, a badge, and a "get out of jail free" card.

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A plane wrecks on an island with cannibals. Only an American, a Russian and a German will survive.

The cannibals immediately discover them and take them to the camp.
There the chief puts them in line and says:
"We let you into the forest and you bring one fruit. Then I decide what to do with you."
All three go to the forest. The German returns first and has a banana. He comes to the...

Church lady

There was a church lady who always was dressed very properly and always carried her bible with her. She had a bad habit of judging people and letting them know what she thought of them.
One day, she was riding on the crosstown bus and a drunk guy got on. There was only one seat left which was ri...

What movie features Mark Hamil, Carrie Fisher and Han Solo surrounded by garbage?

The Force Awakens

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Me: I'm getting a gun because of my fear if birds.

Therapist: I think you might be getting carried away.

Me: NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT I'M NOT!!!

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