Alternate Jokes - 23 Hilarious Alternate Jokes

somewhere in a alternate universe

A patron at a restaurant is asking for "new coke" and the waiter is saying "is clear Pepsi ok"?

I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook

where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.

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Alternate Universe

According to scientists there are an infinite number of alternate universes.
When I'm down I like to think about the opposite me in the opposite universe. He's handsome, rich, and successful. I feel better when I think about him and how small his penis must be.

Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test?

He's an excellent parallel Parker.

Scientists have invented a way to send messages to alternate universes...

... they are calling them "parallelograms".

In an alternate universe, where objects down to the molecular level are sentient...

One day, a cell meets up with another cell. They chat for a bit.

Their chat then comes to a brief halt as another cell chimes in, saying "did you hear what the atoms had to say?"

The cell then says "No, they pretty much make up everything"

Did you hear that Apple will soon launch head wear that make you feel like you've gone back in time, but in an alternate universe ?

They named it iRan.

In an alternate reality, bears speak and coexist with humans.

A prominent electrician (who happened to be a bear) employed several humans for various positions within his company. Some were in customer service, handling the phones. Others were on-site technicians who drove around town from job to job. One human, Mike, was hired to do two different jobs inside ...

I am your Father... Alternate Version

Vader: Luke, I am Joe

Luke: Who's Joe?

Vader:>! Joe Father!<

Luke: NOOOOOO

Somewhere in an alternate universe...

A bunch of chickens are stuck at a lame wedding doing the ‘Human Dance.’

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An alternate international joke...

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a...

In an alternate universe, Aladdin stumbles upon the magic lamp

He picks it up, rubs it and out pops the genie. In this universe, however, the genie only grants you *one* wish and it’s from three pre-selected items of the genie. Aladdin, who obviously doesn’t know about the original story and therefor have no objections, happily accepts these ridiculous rules....

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Alternate meanings

From The Washington Post

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanati...

In an alternate reality where fences are females and posts are male...

A teenage post teases that his friend is taking another post to prom. The friend says, "Hey! I take a fence to that!"

I just read that in an alternate ending to Beauty and the Beast the Beast turns ravenous and eats Cogsworth

He was delicious, but the whole process was time consuming.

I went through airport security and the alarm went off

The TSA agent asked if I had any metal on me.

I said hell yeah I do, pulled out a Metallica CD and slammed it on the table.

I was detained and strip searched but it was worth it.

In an alternate universe, Lara Croft works in an abortion clinic...

She is called the Womb Raider

Alternate Lyrics: I kissed a Trans and I liked it.

The taste of her hairy lap stick.

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Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering the night shift.

One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse,
he noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly,
well, hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork
back, an...

Two Dutch girls are out riding their bikes when one of them suggests taking an alternate, scenic route home.

After a while they are in an area that the other girl doesn't recognize and she has no idea where they are or which direction home is. As it is getting towards dusk she becomes nervous and a bit agitated, she says to her friend, "I've never come this way before." And her friend turns to her, smiling...

What did Tesla say as he invented alternated current?

"Aw, that hertz!"

Dr. Strange: I went forward in time... to view alternate futures. To see all the possible outcomes of the coming conflict.

Dr. Strange: I went forward in time... to view alternate futures. To see all the possible outcomes of the coming conflict.

Me: How many did you see?

Dr. Strange: Fourteen million six hundred and five.

Me: Did I win any arguments with my wife?

Dr. Strange: ...One. ...

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Meanwhile, in an alternate universe where the Nazi's empire reaches to all four corners of the universe...

They've become a Reichtangle.

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