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Parallel Jokes

Parallel lines have so much in common.

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

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What's the difference between a parallel parker and my dad?

A parallel parker knows how to pull out.

What is the definition of parallel lines?

You just described your love life..

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There are 3,141,592 parallel universes where I have sex with yo momma..

Strangely enough in every single one of them she’s so fat...

What's the name of Liverpool in a parallel dimension?

Spleenbasin

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker

Why are women so bad at parallel parking?

Because they're constantly being lied to about what six inches looks like.

Parallel universes are a cool concept

but there’s no way I could park in one.

In a parallel Universe

Hey Will your slap is so weak you should let your wife's other husbands do it

What is the worst thing about parallel parking?

The witnesses.

Why are lights in a series more loyal than lights in parallel?

If one goes down in a series, they all go down with it.

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NASA found evidence of a parallel universe where time runs backwards.

But we already knew about West Virginia.

Why did the chicken cross the 38th parallel?

Because North Korea's long range missiles can't reach that far

Parallel Parking

They say that the worst problem with parallel parking is the witnesses.

But if you are really bad at it, you can eliminate that problem.

I love parallel parking

It’s the only time my wife ever tells me I’m in too deep.

Why are women so bad at parallel parking?

Because men have been trying to convince them that 3 inches is 6 inches since the beginning of time.

What's the most popular parallel universe among the Spaniards?

Realm Adrid.

If I needed to climb something and I had to choose between a rope with knots in it or some parallel boards with spaced rungs...

I'd choose the latter.

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but it dies in the process.

See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basic...

My friend betrayed me on the test when I asked him where the light rays parallel to the principle axis of a concave mirror meet

I mean, he did try to motivate me by shouting "Focus! Focus!", but that hardly helps.

I got honked at while trying to parallel park today.

Yeah, like the goose could do it any better.

So a guy walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer

The loan officer comes over immediately.

“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.

“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.

The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.

So, the man ho...

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Grandpa can't be stand to be near fireworks because of his PTSD from the war...

One day I asked him about what happened and he let out a sigh and sat me down.

"It was 1951 in Korea, memorial day. I was stationed North of the parallel and it felt like today could finally be the one day we could relax and take a break from the war.

"The platoon spent the whole day ...

What do you call arranging two pigs shoulder to shoulder?

Parallel porking

A step-by-step guide on how to parallel park!

1) Park somewhere else.

Why does Tom Holland never drive?

Because Andrew and Tobey are more experienced parallel Parkers

Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test?

He's an excellent parallel Parker.

Why did the disabled driver had difficulty getting his Honda between the two stationary Toyotas?

He had Parallel Parkinson's disease.

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I see the NSFW joke you wrote when you were 9, and raise you the NSFW joke I wrote when I was 11

Parallel lines are like asexual couples, they’re very close but they never touch

What would you call Spider-man if he was a Greek who was into free running, had a debilitating disease and was backing up two cars?

Pita Parkour Parker with Parkinson’s parallel parking a Pontiac pulling a pick up truck.

What would you call Spider-man if he was a Greek who was into free running, had a debilitating disease and was backing up two cars, while making rice?

Uncle Ben

Why serial killers only kill one person at a time

Coz if they killed more they would be parallel killers.

A man was rravelling along a country road in his car, when a strange thing passed and overtook him.

Not wanting to be outdone, the man speeds up his car, but is unable to catch up to the thing. Just before reaching a side road, he sees the thing dissappear into some bushes at the side of the road.

The man turns off at the parallel road and stops at a farmhouse there. He gets out and rings t...

What is worse than a serial killer

A parallel killer, who kills multiple people at once, instead of one at a time

There are 3 men on a train.

One is an economist, one a logician and one a mathematician. They have just arrived in Ireland and see a brown cow standing in a field from the window of the train (and the cow is standing parallel to the train).

The economist says, ‘Look, the cows in Ireland are brown.”

The Logician ...

I’m all for three things . . .

Maintaining parallel structure, always using the Oxford comma and hypocrisy.

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Sitting in a bar

enjoying a drink a man is surprised when a stunning blonde sits down next to him and says "Hi Steve!"

"Well hello, gorgeous. How did you know my name? I'm certain I'd remember meeting you!"

"Steve, don't you recognize me? It's DAVE!"

"Dave?! Dave the quarterback from high school...

Two magnetic fields are talking to each other

Magnetic field 1: "Aren't you mad that all the coils above you are parallel to your magnetic field?"

Magnetic Field 2: "Nope...I give zero flux!"

Two gymnasts decided to go into business

together and because one liked liquor and the other beer and wine, they decided they would open two pubs one directly across the street from the other. Unfortunately they had a falling out and went out of business due to poor marketing. They never could agree on a name for the parallel bars.

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15 Best Two-Line Jokes

1. Parallel lines have so much in common
It's a shame they'll never meet

2. My wife accused me of being immature
I told her to get out of my fort

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor

4. How many Germans do...

My car is so fast that it smacked into a bug and killed it...

While I was parallel parking.

Two scotsmen are playing golf.

There are two Scotsmen out for a day of golf, Angus is ready to swing on the fifteenth hole. There is a country road that runs parallel to the course.

As Angus is about to swing a funeral procession comes around the corner. He stops and takes off his hat until the funeral procession passed an...

School Projects are fun

A science teacher sent off his year 8 class with a homework task, come up witch a science experiment, and either film it to show to the class, or show the experiment in front of the class next week.

Tim went home and thought long and hard about what he would do, but he came in next week with ...

How to tell time in a forest

Here's how to tell time in a forest.

Try and face north, or make your best approximation as to which way is north. Stand straight and tall. Extend both arms so that they are parallel with the ground. Lower your left arm back down to your side. Bend your right arm so that your hand is against...

Gf just passed her driving test

My girlfriend had just passed her driving test so she drove me to town.

It was packed but we managed to find a space but she was nervous about doing a parallel park.

"I'm confident in you babe just do what you did in the test" I said

She slowly started unziping my flies.

A New Yorker Was Teaching A Midwesterner How To Ski

A Midwesterner is on vacation in the Poconos. Over there, he decides to take up downhill skiing. He's done a lot of cross country skiing, but he's never skied downhill, since there are no mountains over in Fargo. Fargo's flatter than a pancake.

He decided to try downhill skiing. "How hahr...

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50 greyish shades.......

Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . . 
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . . 
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getti...

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Dave and John are playing a round of golf...

Dave is lining up his put on the 8th green when they hear a car coming along the road that runs parallel to the course. Upon seeing a hearse, Dave stands away from his ball, takes his cap off and bows his head until it passes.
"That was very decent of you Dave."
"Yea, she was a good wife."

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Sigmund Freud sits down for tea with his mother..

Sigmund Freud is sitting down for a cup of tea with his dear mother, who has her nose in a book. She gasps, and Freud asks why. And so she responds: "why, Siggy, according to these scientists, our universe is only one of many! We live in parallel with millions of other realities where everything tha...

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm
and I'll...

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The world's press gathers...

...at a press conference announced by the team at CERN in Geneva. The CERN spokeswoman steps up to the speaking podium and smiles broadly at the assembled reporters, microphones and cameras. She begins to speak.

“Thank you all for joining us today. We have some major announcements to make...

New Pope

There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School.
...

Einstein and Newton are in a bar...

...Einstein says to Newton, "I've found mathematically that as an object travels faster and faster, it experiences time lower and is squished in the direction parallel to the velocity, when viewed from a stationary perspective."

Newton replies "Interesting. Well, do go on."

Einstein ex...

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A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and ro...

I heard this one from a friend...

A blonde enters a parallel universe where the Aryan's are considered a minority. She walks into an appliance store, approaches the man behind the counter, and says "I'd like that TV please." The cashier replies "Sorry, we don't serve blondes."

The next day, she woke up, filled her hair with c...

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You have two cows..

USA: You have two cows. You outsource a farm to milk them and sell the milk to those who can afford it. You then use the profit to buy someone else's cow for your butcher to make steak with.

Russia: You have two cows. When you get sober you remember that the mafia took them away from you, so ...

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