Parallel lines- Two lines that never meet.

Like you and your crush.

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There are 3,141,592 parallel universes where I have sex with yo momma..

Strangely enough in every single one of them she’s so fat...

Why are women so bad at parallel parking?

Because men have been trying to convince them that 3 inches is 6 inches since the beginning of time.

What do you call arranging two pigs shoulder to shoulder?

Parallel porking

What's the worst part of parallel parking?

The witnesses.

Why are women bad at parallel parking?

Because they have been lied to their whole lives what 8 inches really looks like.

Why can't women get close to the curb when they parallel park?

Because they're constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.

I love parallel parking

It’s the only time my wife ever tells me I’m in too deep.

Parallel Parking

They say that the worst problem with parallel parking is the witnesses.

But if you are really bad at it, you can eliminate that problem.

What's more dangerous than a serial killer?

A parallel killer.

Why did the chicken cross the 38th parallel?

Because North Korea's long range missiles can't reach that far

A step-by-step guide on how to parallel park!

1) Park somewhere else.

I got honked at while trying to parallel park today.

Yeah, like the goose could do it any better.

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but it dies in the process.



See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how y...

Recycled ones. But love them. 36 Math jokes and puns

Beginner

1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?

Because he would have to convert.

2. Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots.

3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

It was a mean thing to s...

Two gymnasts decided to go into business

together and because one liked liquor and the other beer and wine, they decided they would open two pubs one directly across the street from the other. Unfortunately they had a falling out and went out of business due to poor marketing. They never could agree on a name for the parallel bars.

School Projects are fun

A science teacher sent off his year 8 class with a homework task, come up witch a science experiment, and either film it to show to the class, or show the experiment in front of the class next week.

Tim went home and thought long and hard about what he would do, but he came in next week with ...

Three best friends stumble upon a genie lamp.

As a joke, the first one begins to rub it, and all three are surprised when a genie pops out in full Arabian gear. The genie eyes all three of the awestruck men and nods regally.

"I am a Jinn of the Somali. As you have allowed me to see the outside world once again, I shall grant each of you ...

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Back and Forth In and Out Yeah Baby!!!

right. . . a little to the left. . . she could feel the sweat on her

forehead . . . between her breasts . . . and trickling down the small of

her back . . . she was getting near the end.

He was in ecstasy . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife

moved . . . forward...

So a guy walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer

The loan officer comes over immediately.

“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.

“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.

The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.

So, the man ho...

Einstein and Newton are in a bar...

...Einstein says to Newton, "I've found mathematically that as an object travels faster and faster, it experiences time lower and is squished in the direction parallel to the velocity, when viewed from a stationary perspective."

Newton replies "Interesting. Well, do go on."

Einstein ex...

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15 Best Two-Line Jokes

1. Parallel lines have so much in common
It's a shame they'll never meet

2. My wife accused me of being immature
I told her to get out of my fort

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor

4. How many Germans do...

How do you stop serial killers?

Just arrest one of them, and all of them stop.

This wouldn't work if they were parallel killers.

Two magnetic fields are talking to each other

Magnetic field 1: "Aren't you mad that all the coils above you are parallel to your magnetic field?"

Magnetic Field 2: "Nope...I give zero flux!"

Two scotsmen are playing golf.

There are two Scotsmen out for a day of golf, Angus is ready to swing on the fifteenth hole. There is a country road that runs parallel to the course.

As Angus is about to swing a funeral procession comes around the corner. He stops and takes off his hat until the funeral procession passed an...

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You have two cows..

USA: You have two cows. You outsource a farm to milk them and sell the milk to those who can afford it. You then use the profit to buy someone else's cow for your butcher to make steak with.

Russia: You have two cows. When you get sober you remember that the mafia took them away from you, so ...

My car is so fast that it smacked into a bug and killed it...

While I was parallel parking.

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Sigmund Freud sits down for tea with his mother..

Sigmund Freud is sitting down for a cup of tea with his dear mother, who has her nose in a book. She gasps, and Freud asks why. And so she responds: "why, Siggy, according to these scientists, our universe is only one of many! We live in parallel with millions of other realities where everything tha...

What do you call two Korean guys standing next to each other?

Parallel Park

How to tell time in a forest

Here's how to tell time in a forest.

Try and face north, or make your best approximation as to which way is north. Stand straight and tall. Extend both arms so that they are parallel with the ground. Lower your left arm back down to your side. Bend your right arm so that your hand is against...

Gf just passed her driving test

My girlfriend had just passed her driving test so she drove me to town.

It was packed but we managed to find a space but she was nervous about doing a parallel park.

"I'm confident in you babe just do what you did in the test" I said

She slowly started unziping my flies.

So a circle and a polygon are having a conversation...

Circle: Polygon, why do you have many sides?

Polygon: Because I'm edgy. My personality is pretty flat so I'm trying something new.

Circle: Want to know why I'm so well-rounded?

Polygon: You're not well rounded. That piece of pi you had is bulging out.

Circle: I try to be ...

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A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and ro...

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Dave and John are playing a round of golf...

Dave is lining up his put on the 8th green when they hear a car coming along the road that runs parallel to the course. Upon seeing a hearse, Dave stands away from his ball, takes his cap off and bows his head until it passes.
"That was very decent of you Dave."
"Yea, she was a good wife."

I heard this one from a friend...

A blonde enters a parallel universe where the Aryan's are considered a minority. She walks into an appliance store, approaches the man behind the counter, and says "I'd like that TV please." The cashier replies "Sorry, we don't serve blondes."

The next day, she woke up, filled her hair with c...

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