Trump seems to be having trouble finding backup music for his rallies lately :/

Poor guy should ask Green Day. Theyd probably let him use American Idiot.

What's a good backup name to have for a baby?

Justin Case.

A lady gets pulled over by an Officer for speeding

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?

Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: You don't have one?

Lady: I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers, please?

Lady: ...

The Top 10 Reasons a Gun is better than a woman....

#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new 22

#9. You can keep one Gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Gun doesn't mind if you keep another Gun ...

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit.

A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?" ...

Captain: Why did you call for backup?

Me: There was a fly in my car

SWAT team leader: What exactly do you think we do?

A police officer radioed the station for backup

Officer: Looks like that domestic disturbance is a homicide, old lady murdered her husband for tracking dirt on a floor she just mopped.

Dispatch: have you arrested her?

Officer: Not yet. The floor isn't dry.

Why do Christian Priests never have backup strategies when it comes to emergency scenarios?

Because they're not fans of Plan B.

WW2

During WW 2 a British commando is trained to drop into France and sabotage the enemy. He is given a full training and in his last session he is told where he will be dropped and that a bicycle will be there for him so he will be able to move around easily.

As he gets ready in the plane to j...

Don't have enough storage?

Buy a chinese phone, so you are ensured that CCP has backup of all your data.

My skydiving parachute and backup didnt open but somehow I lived

long enough to post this

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thank you for flying Philippine Airlines.

(Disclaimer, original joke was in Filipino, imma roughly translate it for y'all)

So John and Peter were riding a flight on Philippine Airlines, everything was going smoothly, and then something went wrong with the engine!

Sirens were blaring in the cockpit, and the pilot issued a PSA t...

I put my backup cheese grater in a glass box.

I'll break the glass in Queso-mergency

Breakups are the best excuse.

Your friends want to go out to that restaurant you hate?

Just look sad and say: “My girlfriend and I used to love going there...”

Boom, nobody wants to go anymore. Pity works wonders.

Your boss asks you at stay late Friday night?

Look sad and say: “My girlfriend and I use...

If your soulmate dies before you meet them, do you get a backup soulmate?

"I meant questions about the midterm," my professor replied.

What does Roger Federer call his backup racket?

The Federer Reserve

Turian Humor

How do you know when a Turian is out of ammo?

He switches to the stick up his ass, as a backup weapon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray gets pulled over for going about 90 on the way to the ballpark ... (long)

He thinks his reputation will spare him from a ticket, but it's clear the cop is serious when he asks for Caray's license and registration. Harry, probably already three sheets to the wind, replies, "You know officer, I would give you that, but this is a stolen car." The cop is a bit taken aback and...

A cops calls for backup from a crime scene

This is officer John, please send backup, a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.

Have you arrested the woman?

No Sir, the floor is still wet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was doing 65 in a 35 zone when a cop pulled me over.

Officer approaches the car. "License and registration, please."


"I would, officer, but...this car is stolen. Oh, and full disclosure, there's a loaded pistol in the glove box."


"Sir, I'm going to need you to step out of the car."


As I'm getting out, I also le...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

Horrible day

"Houston we have a problem."
*What?*
"Our equipment is malfunctioning and our backup life support has failed, it's just been a horrible day."
*Roger that. Have you tried restarting the...*
"OMG Houston, stop trying to fix the problem, I just want you to listen and be supportive!"

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, unless it’s a black bulb, then they need to call for backup.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man get caught by the police speeding.

The officer asked the man if he knows why he got pulled over. The man replys that he was speeding because the cars stolen and he has a big package of drugs in th boot. The officer feeling scared called for backup.

Backup arive and search the car to find nothing illegal. Then check the cars in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Caught speeding

Cop pulls over a man for speeding, says "I clocked you doing 60 in a 25. Wanna tell me why you were speeding?"

Guy says, "Yeah, I was trying to get home real quick so I could shoot up this heroin from my glove compartment. But before that I gotta get rid of the gun in the back seat, and the d...

Your options when you want to backup your data...

If you want to backup your data, you've got only 2 options. NAS or NSA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I completely lost my sex drive.

Which is pretty bad, because I didn't make a backup.

Young Jimmy is taking skydiving lessons

After his lessons he decides he is ready for the real deal. The instructor and Jim go up in the plane to the altitude. Then, the instructor says, "when you jump, count to 10 and pull the cord. If that fails pull the backup cord. There will be a black van waiting for you at the bottom." Jimmy agrees ...

Wife Missing?

The first thing a grieving husband should do is CALL THE COPS!

Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
Sheriff: "Height?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sheriff: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't kn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Stretcher

A man is blazing down a highway in a brand new Ferrari when after crossing a bridge he notices a cop behind him. He pulls over and the cop is about to write a hefty ticket until he approaches the car:

Cop - Dispatch, we have a grand theft auto. Please send backup

Driver - HEY OFFICER! ...

A guy is pulled over by a cop for speeding

The cop approaches the car and the driver rolls down the window.

"Driver's licence and insurance?"

"I don't have a driver's licence and the car was stolen."

Cop slowly backs up a bit and puts his hand on a gun.

"Is there anything else I should know? Any weapons in the ca...

An old lady was stopped for speeding

Police officer: I'm sorry, but I think you were driving a bit too fast?

Old lady: What?! No, that can't be true!

Police officer: Can I see your drivers license?

Old lady: No, I don't have it anymore. I lost it 4 years ago when driving while drunk!

Police officer: Well.. C...

A man is pulled over by police for speeding

Police 1: do you know how fast you are going?

Man: no, but I do know I am escaping a bank heist.

Police 1: Really?

Man: yes, I robbed the bank and the loot is in my car's trunk

Police 1: is that everything?

Man: no sir, I have a dead body in my backseat and a gun i...

A man is diagnosed with cancer, so he decides to take up skydiving

A man is diagnosed with cancer, so he decides to take up skydiving to make the most of his time left. He goes up in a plane, jumps out, pulls the rip cord, and nothing happens. He pulls the rip cord on the backup parachute, and nothing happens. He says, "Good thing the doctor told me I had six month...

What did God say to Noah?

Do a backup, I'm going to format it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was pulled over for speeding.

A man was late for an important function and was speeding a good 25 mph over the speed limit when a state trooper pulled him over.

Officer: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?

Man: I guess so officer, I knew I couldn’t outrun the law forever. The gun is in my glove compartment, a k...

Game Show

Some folks see me as a know-it-all. I'm not, but I have a reasonable memory, and it got me on a game show, once.

The television game show was being recorded - they do a whole week at a time, and this was the wrap-up. I was in the hot seat for the last big question.

The host turned to m...

Cardio B's attempt to register "Okurrr" as a trademark has been denied by the U.S. Patent Office.

Luckily, she has a backup plan: "Mediocrrre".

A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from...

The Queen of England is due to arrive at a state dinner in Washington D.C.

Her plane was delayed due to weather and she was 40 minutes late.

Traffic was light and she thought she could make up the time, but the driver was the slowest she ever had.

“Could you drive a bit faster,” she asked.

“No, your highness. I cannot speed.”

“I am in a bit of ...

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

A man was driving at 96 mph in a 70 mph zone when a cop pulls him over. As the officer gets to the window he says "license and registration sir." And the man replies with "I don't have a license or registration. I'm just delivering these drugs in the back."

The police officer is dumbfounded and calls in for backup. The k-9 unit shows up along with at least 5 other cruisers and the police chief. After a lengthy searching from officers and their drug dogs, nothing is ever found. The chief walks over to the man and says "Son there aren't any drugs in this...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A new intern is accompanying an experienced physician on rounds at the Clinic For Sexual Dysfunction.

As they look into the first room, the patient is furiously masturbating and looks very uncomfortable.

The intern asks, what’s wrong with that poor guy?

The doctor replies, “He suffers from extreme semen backup disorder. If he doesn’t ejaculate every three hours, he could die.”
...

A man gets pulled over for speeding

The police officer walks up to the car and asks the man why he got pulled over.

"Yeah, I was speeding, I always drive a bit faster after I've had a few beers"

The cop was stunned, "you mean to tell me that you were under the influence of alcohol?"

"Yeah I needed something to eas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are speeding when they get pulled over......

The driver tells his passenger, "I'll take care of this." As soon as the cop approaches, the man leans out and tells the cop, Just to let you know, I have a loaded gun in the glove box."

The cop orders them out of the car, face down on the sidewalk, cuffs them and backs over to his radio to c...

Three hunters are lost in the woods, and their prospects aren't looking good.

The three men have been trying to find their way out for hours, but none of the landmarks look familiar, and they're starting to get desperate. Finally, one man remembers his Boy Scout training and says, "Fire three shots in the air, and someone will come find us!"

So they fire three shots an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man get pulled over for speeding.

The officer walks up to the driver window and the driver rolls it down.

Officer: “can I see your license”

Driver: “sorry I can’t do that, I don’t have a license.”

Officer: “you don’t have one?”

Driver: “yup, lost it drunk driving 5 times”

Officer: “okay, can I see ...

Said Moses after smashing the Ten Commandments:

“It’s okay, I have a backup in the cloud.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was pulled over for doing 50 in a 30 zone... [Long]

A man was pulled over for doing 50 in a 30 zone, and the police officer comes up to him and asks for his license and registration. The guy replies "I don't think that would be the best idea, seeing as it's not there, this is a stolen car. I stole it."

The officer, a little surprised, says "So...

Yo momma's so fat

When she went to McDonalds they had to call Burger King for backup

I've always wanted to drive trucks in reverse for a living...

...I think it'd make a good backup career.

A man is stopped for speeding on the highway

The driver, when confronted by the cop to be issued a ticket, suddenly confesses that he has heroin with him in the vehicle.
Shocked, the cop calls for backup, explaining that the man who he caught speeding admitted that he had drugs on him.

A narcotics team arrives and searches the vehicl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in a van with a plan

A man was speeding along the road in a van, doing well over 100, until he was pulled over by a police car.

"Sir, do you know how fast you were going? Let me see your license"

The man responded "Officer, I don't have a license"

"What?? Where is the paperwork for this van?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man buys the sports car of his dreams

While visiting his grandfather, the man finds out his grandfather has wanted to drive one of these cars for a *very* long time. Since the two were so close, the man decided to let his grandfather drive his beloved machine.

On the highway, the grandfather was driving in excess of 200kph, and ...

A woman was pulled over for speeding...

When the officer reaches the vehicle he informs the woman that she was driving more than double the speed limit and asks to see her license and registration. The woman refuses to produce them and, when asked why, states that she doesn't have a license or registration and that the vehicle is stolen. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend is a car collector. [original]

My friend is a car collector. He has a huge garage full of beautiful cars from all around the world.
He invited me round to see the collection so it was a weekend afternoon I went over.
Some were preserved in their original condition but some have been modified by their owners.

The firs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman gets pulled over for speeding..

The cop says, do you know why I pulled you over? You were speeding! She replies.. oh thank god! I thought it was for the drugs, guns and dead bodies in my trunk... oops. The cop, surprised, immediately calls for backup and dogs and swat.. the whole 9 yards. After about an hour of searching and discu...

So a man gets pulled over for speeding...

The officer says " liscence and registration" the man says in response "But officer I.. I have a gun in my glove box" so the officer calls in his backup and the guy is sitting outside of his car when he says "I also have a body in the trunk" and then the cops have a detective come to file a report o...

I like watching people run.

Out of the way from the backup camera on my wife's car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets pulled over...

A man gets pulled over and the police officer approaches the driver's window. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" The driver says, "No sir." The cop says "Well son, you were speeding. Now please hand me your license and registration." The driver pulls out his license and says, "Well my registration...

If a cop car is stuck in reverse...

Does it need backup?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman speeding

There was a woman speeding down the highway, and a police officer pulled her over. He asked her if she knew why he pulled her over. She shrugged. "Can I see your license and registration?" The police officer asked. "NO, i stole this car." The woman replied. The police officer looked shocked. "I also...

A blond go into parachute shop

She come to the cashier and ask him how to use the parachute, he then explain to her that after she jump, she need to pull the yellow string. She ask him "But what if i will pull it and the parachute won't open?". He then explain her that this is a special parachute with backup, and if the yellow st...

THIS is the best way to beat a speeding ticket.

** *Most of you have probably seen this before, but its still a good one!* **

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding...



Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.

Officer: Can I see the r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer on a bike route sees 2 men arguing.

The officer slows down to observe, and to see if the argument would become violent. The 2 men are bitter, and get louder by the minute. Suddenly, they both reach into their pockets. The first man pulls out some sodium chloride and throws it at the second man, while the second man get a 9 volt and 2 ...

I wonder how many vampires

have been run over by people who backup just using their mirrors

Lately my self esteem has been so low...

Even in the shower I sing backup vocals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Mexicans riding a bicycle

Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , LA. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop pulls a man over for speeding...

"What seems to be the problem officer?"

"You were speeding, license and registration please."

"I'm sorry, I cant do that."

"And why is that?"

"My drivers license was taken from me while driving drunk."

"Well, give me your cars registration then."

"I cant do ...

A police stops a speeding man.

Reminds me of a classic joke:
A traffic cop pulls over a man on the highway. He asks for his License.
"I haven't got one, what with my constant drunk driving arrests."
The cop is somewhat taken back, but proceeds to ask for registration.
"It's in the glove box next to the gun."
"You h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since it is ethnic joke day and all here's a Greek one.

Little Jim comes home from Sunday school.

Mom: What did they teach you today, honey?

Jim: Today they taught us about Moses. God sent him on a secret mission to free the Hebrews from Egypt. When they got to the Red Sea Moses had his mechanics build a bridge so everyone could pass but wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is speeding down the interstate...

A cop sees him and pulls him over. "License and registration" says the cop. "I'd give you my license officer, but I lost it after my 3rd DUI" says the speeder. "You're driving on a suspended license?" "Yes sir." "Well, let me see your registration" The man says "I'd give it to you sir, but the truth...

Newly Married Husband

Newly Married Husband puts a notice
in front of his residence:
FOR SALE
Computer and Encyclopedia both in
good condition.
Reason for selling:
No longer needed
Got married.
Wife knows EVERYTHING ...
with backup server called
"Mother In Law "

A cop catches a Z4 with European plates doing 134 in upstate New York,

so the cop gets out calling for backup and shouts "Keep your hands on the wheel!" while approaching the driver's side. He instructs the driver to lower the window. It's a pale bald guy wearing a dark turtleneck and thick plastic eyeglasses.

"Ja? I vas just admiring Ihre Autobahn. There is ein...

What do you do if you lose all the information on your computer?

Ask the NSA for a backup.

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