A senior citizen’s group charters a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City

As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says “I’ve just been molested!

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that ...

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A gentleman on his way to a job interview in Brooklyn breaks the sole of his shoe.

Not wanting to arrive at the interview with a broken shoe, he asks some by-standers where the closest cobbler is.

“You’ll want Olaf Von Gundersen.” says one gentleman. “He isn’t very close by but he’s quick and his prices are just right.”

Having no choice, the man with the broken shoe...

A friend told me "I can't wait to get out of Brooklyn, they took my rims, put the car on bricks"

I said "you moved to Brooklyn so you can get a brownstone, now you got 4"

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the cultures of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oh, my," sai...

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Did you hear about the guy who got the shit kicked out of him after he made fun of that Crews guy from Brooklyn Nine-Nine?



He died of dissin' Terry

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A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, "Don't eat candy, kid. It's not good for you."

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97."

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"Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?"

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The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."

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A nun...

A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high voice,”Could you please take me to Times Square?”

In a thick Brooklyn accent the cab driver initiates conversation,”Hey, sista, that’s kinda a long drive. You mind if we, like, chat?”

The nun says,”Why no, my son, wh...

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Emotions

So.. 3 french guys were walking around Brooklyn when they spot a party, they go knock on the door but the person answering says they can't get in without a costume. They walk away dejected. One of them spots a green paint can in an alley and pours it all over himself goes to the door and says I am g...

A Hasidic man, with a long beard, payis, a kaftan (long black coat), and shtreiml (the traditional fur hat), walks into a bar with a multi-colored parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says: "Where'd you get that?"

The parrot replies: "Brooklyn. There's thousands of them."

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A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

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A Chassidic Jew walks into a bar...

He's wearing a long black frock coat, his ear locks are curled and dangling, and he's got a large bullfrog just sitting on his shoulder. The bartender turns around, sees him, and says, "hey, where'd you get that thing?" The bullfrog croaks, "in Brooklyn, there's hundreds of them!"

The Pope gets off a plane at JFK international airport...

He tells the limo to get in the back
“Why?” The limo driver replies.
“Because I’m the f#&$’n Pope” Said the Pope.
Next thing you know the limo’s going down the Brooklyn Bridge doin like 30 over the limit.
Cop pulls him over.
Pope rolls down the window
“Water you whining about” ...

The Devil burst through the floor of a church in Brooklyn

He starts roaring and shouting in everyone's face saying, "DOOMS DAY HAS COME AND ALL YOUR SOULS ARE NOW MINE!" And he begins to laugh maniacally.
Everybody runs out screaming in terror except for one old dude who is giving him the evil eye. So The Devils gets right in face and roars his loudest ...

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Three Guys With Heavy Brooklyn Accents Get Invited To A Costume Party.

The theme for this party is "Dress Like an Emotion." The first guy is wearing a pear costume. The second guy is wearing a dress. And the third guy is butt-naked except for a custard pie around his pecker.

They ring the doorbell. The host opens the door, sizes them up, and says "You guys aren'...

A man from Brooklyn...

A man from Brooklyn who worked for an entertainment company was tasked with with looking after meals for singer Adele, who was in town for a performance one day.

It was known throughout the business that she refused to work on an empty stomach and that this job was crucial to the success of ...

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So a bear walks into a bar...

In Brooklyn there is a local ordinance that you can't serve beers to bears in bars in Brooklyn, so this bear walks into a bar in Brooklyn and orders a beer and the bartender goes, "whoa, your a bear, sorry I can't serve beers to bears in bars in Brooklyn."

To which the bear replies, "well I'm...

An old man in Brooklyn gets a phone call that his cheese shop blew up.

“Oh, no! I’d better get down there right away!”

The guy on the phone tells him, “Nah, take your time. All that’s left where de shop was is de brie.”

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So there's two guys from Brooklyn.

Two guys from Brooklyn attend a special party in Manhattan. It's a costume party where you are supposed to come dressed up as your emotion. So this guy is dressed in all red because he's angry. Another dude is green, with envy, etc.

So the two guys from Brooklyn walk in. One of them is comple...

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam.

Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the jungle. Not that you could ever see those bastards mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when...

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The Mathematician from Brooklyn

A mathematician hailing from Brooklyn, NY gets invited to the annual conference for mathematics, statistics and logic. Upon arriving, he notices that a world-renown professor is hosting what was listed as "The Unbeatable Brain-Teaser". He decides to sign up, and gets in the single-file line for a on...

How do you get 2 million followers

Run around brooklyn with a popeyes chicken sandwich

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An Irishman walks into a cozy Brooklyn pub....

And he nods to the bartender.

"What can I getcha?"

The Irishman says, "Three pints of Guinness please."

"Sure thing, I'll pour this first one, just lemme know when you're ready for beer number two."

"No, no," says the Irishman, "If it's not a problem, just pour all three...

Some people are named after where they were conceived. For example Brooklyn, Paris...

My friend Ally doesn't agree.

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A physics professor asks this question in his class.

If a plane is flying in South East direction at 795 miles an hour and it takes a torque of 58000 N/m2 to unscrew a nut from the main pillar of Brooklyn Bridge, then calculate my age as of today?

The ivy league geniuses in the class immediately went to work. Firing up thier computers and calc...

Brooklyn

When you go to Brooklyn always bring a camera, because there are many things in Brooklyn that you will see, then never see again in your life...

Starting with that camera.

Sandbox Humor

First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does ...

What do pantyhose and Brooklyn have in common?

Flatbush

A Rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder...

The bartender asks, “Hey buddy, where did you get that?”
The frog responds, “Brooklyn, they’re all over the place!”

On a recent trip to New York the Pope saw the most beautiful red car...

As the Pope basked in the beauty of the red car, the owner appeared and insisted that he should take it for a test drive.

"No, no!" exclaimed the Pope, "I couldn't possibly!"

The driver wouldn't take no for an answer and jumped in the back of the beautiful red car. And so off they we...

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news.

A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned.

The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you...

I like to be frank and earnest with women.

In Brooklyn, I'm Frank and in Chicago I'm Ernest.

What did Biggie say when he first saw a map of the United States?

WHERE BROOKLYN AT

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The Boy from Toronto

A boy stopped by a deli one early morning in Brooklyn hoping to get a job.

* "How are you with people, kid?" The owner inquired.

* *"Great," said the boy. "My previous job at a grocery store had me working cash registers and facing clients all day."*

* "Perfect," replied the...

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Reunion

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the...

An old Italian man is dying and calls for his son

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.

"Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."


"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instea...

The man who stutters tremendously finds a horse...

The man who stutters tremendously finds a horse on the street in Brooklyn. He decides call the police.
Man: I've f-f-found a w-w-wandering h-h-horse.
Policeman: Okay. We will come. Where are you now?
Man: In Br-r ... (stutters tremendously)
Policeman: Bronx?
Man: Br-r ... Damn (hangs ...

The Best Bar in Town

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At McDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink,...

When doctors go on strike ....

"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"

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Frank invites Tony and Vito to a party (nsfw-ish)

Frank, Tony, and Vito are 3 friends from Brooklyn. One week Frank is having a party at his house and invites Tony and Vito. It's a theme party; "dress as your favorite mood"

The day of the party comes and Frank answers a knock on the door. Standing there ass-naked are Tony and Vito, except th...

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The Silent Debate

Note: This is a joke best told in person by somebody who's not afraid to go all out with gesticulations and accents.

The silent debate was a yearly event that was the Super Bowl of the intellectual world. It was watched live by tens of thousands, and broadcast on countless major networks. Fo...

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In honor of the papal visit, I submit the worst, longest, most tortuous pope joke I know.

It's 1969.

China and the Soviet Union are on the brink of open hostilities. The war would kill us all. And only the pope can save the day.

Well, so thinks Richard Nixon.

See, he'd been up all night watching *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, and it was such a harrowing vision that he...

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There's a "mood party" happening in Manhattan...

... it's a very fancy party, lots of artist types dressed up as their favorite emotion. There's one woman dressed all in red. She is rage. Another man is dressed in black. He's angst. You get the idea. It's all very sophisticated and very Manhattan.

So anyhow, the party is well underwa...

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