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Compromise Jokes

My wife insisted in getting a puppy and I insisted we did not! So, we compromised...

Got the puppy.
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My coworkers at my place of work have given me a nickname “Mr. Compromise”.

It wasn’t my first choice, but I guess I’m ok with it.
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Tried To Compromise

I recently broke up with my girlfriend. We just didn't have anything in common. But when that happens, you have to try to compromise. I tried to compromise with her. I remember one time I was like, 'Look, if you go with me to my "Lord of the Rings" fan fiction meet up group, I'll go with you to this...
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My wife believes in compromise

If we agree on something we do it my way, and if we disagree we do it her way.
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So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War...

I wouldn’t say that’s 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.
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A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.
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Marriage is all about compromise

My wife wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and got a cat!
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Marriage is all about making compromises.

For example, my wife wanted to paint our house blue and I wanted to paint our house red.

So as a compromise, we decided to paint our house blue.
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Why can you never compromise with a veggie burger?

Because they'll never meat in the middle.
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What do you call it when two psychics reach a compromise?

A happy medium!


No idea if I was the first to ever tell this joke, but I was damn proud of myself when I put it together as a kid xD
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TIL that in the 1820 Missouri Compromise, Missouri wasn't able to become a state unless Maine was also granted statehood.

As it turns out, Missouri loves company.
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Did you hear the Russians have began funding and creating technology to compromise and undermine the USA’s recent Central American initiatives?

They have created a ladder
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A friend and I were talking about compromise in marriage. He said “In my marriage, my wife makes all the small decisions and I make all the big decisions.”

“We have yet to have any big decisions.”
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[Long] A family of four decides city life doesn’t suit their style anymore

So they sell their house in the suburbs and buy a dairy-cow ranch. After a week or so, the dad and 2 sons are out mending the fences, when their neighbor comes driving up the road and stops to introduce himself.

“How y’all doin? The name’s Al, friends call me Big Al. Are you folks new to the ...
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Judge

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn't it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

The prosecutor aga...
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My wife wanted to go on vacation, but I wanted a staycation...

... so we compromised and had an altercation
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I learned what compromise is in a relationship.

When she asks for a 10" dick, I offer to meet her halfway.

What do you call a preponderance of the evidence that your drink has been compromised?

Probable Cosby
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A guy from Apple promised me a pre-release of a new product if I sucked his cock this morning. As if I would compromise my values for such a materialistic item!

Sent from my iPhone XI

Exasperated, she asked her spouse "Please stop peeing in the shower, it's gross."

He frowned, retorting defensively "Oh come on, hun! It's not that big a deal. A bunch of people pee in the shower. It just washes down the drain..."

She sighed before offering a compromise. "Fine, but can you at least not do it while I'm the one taking a shower?"
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I’ve always wanted a motorcycle

My wife was dead against it but she finally saw things my way. She said she’d change her name to Harley and I could ride her anytime I liked. Not a bad compromise.
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My wife wants sex about 3 times a month. I want sex about 10 times a month.

So we compromise and have sex about 3 times a month.

My girlfriend wants to have a baby…

and I don’t, so we’re going to compromise. We’re having a baby but I get to name it. So I’m going to call it Brexit, because although only half of the people involved want it to happen, it’s going to happen anyway.
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What do you call 5 black guys having sex?

A threesome

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Not Pregnant

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."

The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daught...

Jesus's robes

Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe. After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor." He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him which is a perfect fit.

When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off. "No, n...
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Trump got COVID...

Well my wife and I don’t see eye to eye politically. One was happy, the other worried... you understand. So after much debate, we came to a compromise: we sent him a get well soon card that said stay positive.
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It was a 14 year olds birthday

It was a 14 year olds birthday and his family was very poor, and could only afford one gift for him. His father wanted to get him a new toy to play with, his mother wanted to get him new clothes, so they decided to compromise and get him coveralls with the pockets cut out.


(My grandpa tol...
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Today is my wife and I's anniversary...

I wanted to have sex, but she wanted to go to Outback Steakhouse. Her parents suggested that we go to church and renew our vows. We compromised.

So we did it outback by the church.

How are millenials and tightrope walkers alike?

Compromise their net and they will literally die.
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California Census

When California was determining its census rules, a law similar to the three fifths compromise was considered, under which two Asian Americans would be counted the same as one caucasian.

The law was rejected, because the lawmakers all agreed that two Wongs don't make a white.
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My wife said she wanted new kitchen appliances or some new bath bombs for our anniversary.

I compromised and bought her a toaster.
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two blondes want to forge banknotes

Two blondes want to forge banknotes. They can't decide whether to forge $50 or $100 banknotes - they argue a little and then they settle to a compromise: to forge $60 banknotes. They want to first test it on their blonde neighbour: so one of them goes to the neighbour - after a while she returns, sm...
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The man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet

Despite hours of brainstorms and workshops, the man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet.

“New Terra is the sensible choice”, said the man, exasperated.

“Don’t give me that more-evolved-than-thou horse-shit”, said the horse, “why don’t you let a non-dominant life...

3 Alien leaders are discussing the fate of humanity

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...
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Two farmers, One hen.

There once was a farmer who owned a hen, this hen would occasionally wander over to his neighbour's property.

One day the hen laid an egg along the property line and , right in front of the farmer, the neighbour walked over and picked up the egg. A battle of words ensues.

Farmer: why a...
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A winter storm blew in from the east during the Revolution

General Washington decided he needed to find a place to stay for him and his 43 men. The first place they found was a farm. The farmer, seeing just how many men the General had knew he couldn’t keep almost most of them on the farm, but was wanted to help the cause so in compromise he agreed to let j...
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My wife and I broke up

Looking back it just seems silly. We broke up because of our dream vacations of all things.


I always dreamed of going on an Alaskan cruise, whereas she always dreamed of sleeping with my best friend.


In the spirit of compromise I surprised her by suggesting we try both.
...
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Why we cremate people:

Some people get creamted because when you die, your family is gonna want to put you in a casket for the funeral. And if they can't decide whether to choose open or closed, they compromise... and put you in ajar.
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A young vulture is tired of eating nothing but scavenged meat...

So he says to his father, "Dad, can't we eat something else for a change? I'd like to try some vegetables."

The father is outraged, claiming that vultures do not eat vegetables, that is not their way. But the young vulture doesn't give up. He asks again the next day, and the next, and the nex...
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I heard he got caught but got off easy

I just read a news article with the headline "Woman beats off rapist!" and I thought... "Well... that seems like a reasonable compromise..."

A spy stationed in a foreign country stopped responding to his handler.

A spy stationed in a foreign country stopped responding to his handler. After a while, the handler received a letter in the mail. It told her the spy has been compromised, but, before his capture, he'd snuck out some very important government secrets. He'd used the world's smallest memory card to co...
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Two friends are going to film their own version of Revenge of the Sith.

They both have a really strong bond, so they decide that it'd be best if one played Anakin and one played Obi-Wan, the only problem was that they couldn't figure out who would play whom.

After a long bout of reasoning, bickering, and contemplating neither of them could come up with a reason w...
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Old Scot. Credit to /u/easternmonsoon for inspiration)

There was an elderly Scottsman whose wife was upset by his expensive taste in fine Scotch. As a compromise, they agreed that he would only buy one bottle every 3 months.
He went to the liquor store one day to make his purchase but it was a wet stormy day.
After he placed the bottle in his jack...
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A 5 year old boy nags and nags his mother to get him a horse.

He is relentless until she figures out a compromise, she gets him a stick horse. He is disappointed, but soon he and the stick horse bond, the boy teaches his horse to walk, trot, gallop and to neck rein. On the first day back to school after summer vacation the boy rides his horse to school. He ...
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I couldn't decide what to get my son for Christmas.

I thought maybe a toy, maybe a pet. So I compromised and bought him a rattlesnake.
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A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express.

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express. On taking his seat he asked the conductor what time the train reached Gladstone.

 

"There's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays," replied the conductor.

"What!" Exclaim...
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Kanye’s rise to fame

Right before dropping out of college and kick starting his rap career, Kanye West went to visit his wealthy aunt, Shirlie Faulker, who owned a rubber products manufacturing factory on the outskirts of Paris, France. He decided to spend his summer break working at the factory part time while deciding...

A guy plays golf every Sunday morning with his friends...

This coming Sunday happens to be his 25th wedding anniversary. He wants to play golf as usual. His wife wants him to spend the whole day with her. They come to a compromise - he'll play 9 holes first thing in the morning and then come straight home.

The wife is expecting him home at around 10...
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Cindy and Lucy were to high-powered DC lawyers.

They had been childhood friends, gone to the same law school, and gone into partnership together. Through their hard work, they became well known in the DC area and bumped elbows with politicians.

One summer, they decided to hold a fourth of july party and invite all the members of congress....
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Beautiful Buns

From my father.

So there was this man and woman whom had been married for many years and were still very much in love. Their anniversary was coming up and the wife wanted to do something very special for her husband and comes up with a wonderful gesture.

She goes to a tattoo parlor an...
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Moscow, winter of 1943.

Among hundreds of people, Ivan and Sasha wait in line for bread. Finally, after 4 hours the baker comes out and says "We have orders from the Party to reduce rations so all Jews go home! No bread for you today!" Queue is thinning as about a hundred or so people leave reluctantly. Wind intensifies, s...

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The Horse Joke (long)

So there are two racehorses.

A young racehorse and an old racehorse.

The young racehorse is about to run his first race and the old racehorse is undefeated going into his last race.

The old racehorse goes over to the young racehorse and says "Hey, you're a really fast runner. Y...

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Blind man

During summer there was a day that was so hot it was almost unbearable.

In an old church, with no fans or air conditioning there was two nuns and a priest. The nuns clothing was making them so hot since it was not very breathable material.

So they decided to go to the priest and ask,...

2 Life Lessons...

Lesson 1:

There once were these two boys walking in a field and one of the boys finds a green rock. He picks it up and says to his friend, "I bet you five bucks that I can throw this green rock up in the air and it won't come back down." So his friend says, "Okay, you're on." So the boy wi...
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Old couple at the carnival

An elderly couple John, and Janice go to the carnvail where John spots a helicopter ride. He runs over and says to his wife "Janice I've always wanted to go on a helicopter ride and look its only ten dollars". Janice then says "John why would we pay money to go on a ride ten dollars is ten dolla...
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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

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