She couldn’t fit in 1 post

There you go

My balloon elephant wouldn't fit in my backseat

So I had to pop the trunk

How many debutantes can you fit in the grand ballroom of the Waldorf Astoria?

About a cotillion of 'em

What do you call an elephant small enough to fit in your ear?

It's earelephant.

Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?

Because they are well organized

How many Russians can you fit in a lift?

As many as you can Put-In.

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath....throw the washing in”

However, the guy on the next table said, “My brother is epileptic and had a fit in the bath, and died."

If the ground could have swallowed me up I'd of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?"

He said, "No, he choked on a sock"

How many Muslims fit in a Mosque

Allaht

A friend once told me how many cars fit in a Walmart parking lot on average.

I don't remember the exact number but it was a lot.

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How much can you fit in a triple D bra?

Large quantitties

I think Harry Potter would fit in well working at the post office...

Apparently he's got the rare gift of being able to speak Parceltongue.

Would Peter Parker fit in r/trees?

Since he’s a *Mary Jane connoisseur*

How many superheroes can you fit in one car?

Five

Two in the front

Two in the back

And Peter Parker in the ash tray

How many Egyptians can you fit in a pyramid?

A pharaoh mount.

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"It'll never fit in" she said, a worried look on her face.

"It's far too big".
I pushed, and it slid right in through the back, as far as it could go.
"Oh", she said, with a slight smile and a gasp.

Fucking knew I'd fit that table in the car.

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How many cocks can the average man fit in his ass?

I don't know, but I'm not allowed at my uncle's farm anymore.

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How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose?

A couple calves,
an ass,
ten little piggies,
a beaver,
a shit load of hares,
and a fish that no one can seem to find!

Why couldn't the psychic fit in the small shirt?

Because he was a medium

I asked the clerk at the store if a body would fit in this suitcase

I'm just kidding, i'm going to cut it up.

What did they do with the politician who couldn't fit in his coffin?

Gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box

How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage?

Another two if I move my bike.

How many inches can you fit in a sock?

One foot.

What do you do if an epileptic is having a fit in a bath?

Throw your washing in

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How many elephants can you fit in a Mini Cooper?

Four: two in the front, two in the back.

How many giraffes can you fit in a Mini Cooper? None, 'cause there's already all those elephants in there.

How do you get to Wales (two whales) in a Mini Cooper? Same way you get to Wales in any other car; you get on the M4 and you go across the...

Question: Would you know what actions to take if someone had an epileptic fit in the bath?

"Throw the Laundry in"..

What do you call an old person trying to fit in with today's kids?

A dislocated hipster.

How many superhero’s can you fit in a sedan?

2 in the front, 2 in the back, and about 10 in the ashtray.

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Went to work on a farm in Scotland. One my first night there, I was trying to fit in with the rest of the help.

They told me that one their break, they all take turns fucking the sheep. I didn't want to fuck any sheep, but I really wanted to fit in. First break, I swallow my pride, find a sheep, pull down my pants, and start at it. I turn around and see all the Scotsman at the farm laughing at me. Trying ...

What do you call a tree that you can fit in your hand?

A PALM TREE!!!

Why couldn't the ostrich fit in with the rest of the chickens?

It was ostrich-cized from the chicken coop.

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How many animals can you fit in a condom?

A cock and a couples of hares!

Source: I was told this in a bar tonight and felt the need to share it!

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

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A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass.

He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?" The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option." The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house." The man, very grateful, replie...

Yo Mama So Fat

She didn’t fit in the title.

What do you call the largest number of grizzlies you can fit in a car?

The bear maximum

In the famous severed horse head scene in The Godfather they originally were going to use a Swordfish.

It didn't really fit in with the marlin brand-though.

My grandmother always had an amazing way with words.

One day, I gave her a call after my grandfather had been put into a retirement home. I asked her how he was doing, she said, “He’s like a fish out of water.” I asked, “Is he finding it hard to fit in?” And she replied, “No, he’s dead.”

Walking through Chinatown, a backpacker saw a Chinese laundry with the sign: "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"

'Sigurd Kristiansen? How the hell does that name fit in here?' he wondered.
So he decided to check it out. He entered to see an elderly Chinese man behind the counter.
'How did this Chinese laundry get a name like "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"?' the backpacker asked.
The elderly Chinese re...

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a his...

What’s ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.

When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.

But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he...

Wife: donate my clothes to poor people who are starving.

Husband: honey, if they fit in your clothes they surely aren't starving.

I tried to make vegetable soup today

But the wheelchair didn't fit in the pot.

My wife said she wants to donate her old clothes to the Salvation Army, so starving people can buy and wear them.

I told her that anyone who can fit in her clothes certainly isn't starving.

What did the retail employee say to the young gang member in the fitting room?

You dont fit in the hood kid.

Hans Olaffsen

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.

He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the s...

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A Single Guy Moves From New York City to the DEEP Country

He is so tired of city life he decides to move to the middle of nowhere and try something new. He buys a plot of land with a small farmhouse and 100 acres.

As he is unpacking his UHaul, he sees an old beat up truck kicking up dust down the dirt road. The truck turns on his lane and a man ge...

I tried really hard to enjoy my job at a shoe factory.

But I just didn't fit in.

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The hardest thing about being a pedophile

Is trying to fit in

Stubborn in life and in death

A man known for being very stubborn was found brutally beaten and killed. After a thorough police investigation there was no clue to who the killer was.

When it came time for the funeral. Friends and family were all gathered around. His body was put in a coffin and was ready to be buried.
...

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I tried to get a lip tattoo that said micropenis

but it couldn't fit in my mouth

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