Admitted Jokes - 73 Hilarious Admitted Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In college, I wasn’t admitted to any fraternity because I was circumcised.

To get in, you had to be a complete dick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was admitted to the hospital with 12 toy horses up his but

Doctors have described his condition as stable

(Edit): yeah I screwed up the spelling, it’s supposed to say butt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience.

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

My girlfriend admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

Justin Timberlake admitted to being dyslexic.

Take a moment to let that N'Sync

My boyfriend admitted to me that he's a dom

I always pegged him as a sub.

My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar

Yeah, like I'm falling for that

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We have just admitted a 43 year old man who came in with 9 plastic horses shoved up his rectum

We've listed his condition as 'stable'

A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with the nurse.

She used to take care of him and very nice to him. Always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the nurse was into him as well.

The guy was shy and couldn't ask the nurse out on date. But after he was discharged, he someh...

A woman was admitted to the hospital.....

for heart surgery. At this time, the Grim Reaper came and stood beside her. The lady said, "Am I going to die today? " Reaper said, "No. You'll live for another 30 years. "

The lady thought, "If I only live another 30 years, I may as well live lavishly. She got her teeth fixed, her hair trans...

Our friend just admitted to us that he’s a masochist;

The confession was painful, but..he seemed to enjoy it.

A small man admitted himself to rehab with a gambling addiction

It’s ok. He’s a little better.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John Travolta was admitted to a hospital with COVID symptoms last Sunday.

It was just a Saturday Night Fever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery....

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for th...

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

Putin has admitted why he has attacked Ukraine...

He heard Moose and Squirrel are hiding there.

An unconscious pizza maker was admitted to the hospital

They called him John Dough

A man is admitted to the hospital with chest pain.

The cardiologist orders a battery of test over the course of a week. While studding the patient's EKG he noticed that his heart rate was very erratic when his wife and daughter were visiting.

The doctor asked the man how his relationship was with his family.

Well I get along great with...

My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp,

I’m not sure I’ll be able look at him in the same light ever again.

My girlfriend threatened to leave unless I stopped being delusional and admitted that I am not a Transformer

But I told her “Babe, I can change!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?

ICU baby, shakin' that ass!

How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
<...

A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to drinking brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.

Three men die one day, and are admitted into heaven.

God approaches them and says, “this is the road to heaven. The class of the vehicle you drive to heaven is determined by how faithful you were to your significant other.” The first man says, “I was very faithful to my wife, I didn’t cheat on her once.” God said, “very good, take that Lamborghini int...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

A husband is admitted to the hospital...

He has fallen very ill and his future is unsure. He says to his wife, "honey, if I die, I think you should marry Hank from down the street."

"Hank?" the wife questions, "I thought you hated him?"

With his last breath the husband replies "I do"

For those of you that don't already know, I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in.

I have only gone and poisoned myself. What I thought was a large spring onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out sometime in the spring.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happened to the porn star who was admitted into the emergency room?

He went into stepsis.

A man who thinks he's a piece of luggage has been admitted to a mental hospital.

Psychiatrists say he's the strangest case they've ever come across.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mental patient who believes that he is dead in the mental hospital where he is admitted

Therefore does not eat and does not participate in any vital activities, could not be convinced that he is not dead despite all the efforts made by all expert psychiatrists.

One of the psychiatrists, who understands that the patient will not give up on this decision and undertakes his treatme...

My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian.

So I immediately broke up with her. It may come across as judgmental, but really, I’ve only ever known and loved her as Christine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex after Surgery

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "

I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your ...

My friend admitted to steroid use.

It takes a big man to do that.

John Cena is admitted to the Intensive Care Unit after losing consciousness

After waking up, he asks the doctor "Where am I?"

The doctor responds "The ICU"

John says "No you can't"

Why did the Hogwarts admissions office replace its typists' keyboards after Harry Potter was admitted?

There were too many repeated letters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A final CIA test for three men

An American, a Russian and a Bosnian man get to the final test to be admitted to the CIA. An American enters a room where he sees his wife Jennifer. A voice says: " There is a gun on the table, your last test is to kill your wife, no questions asked." American points the gun, but after a while gives...

A priest dies and goes to Heaven...

Some time after he's arrived, he's noticed that one of the other people in Heaven, a New York City cab driver, was being treated with much more respect than he was.

So he went to the Lord and asked, "Lord, why is that man being treated much better than me when all he did for a living was dr...

I just admitted to my wife that I have been confirmed COVID19 positive.

She said that this puts a real strain on our relationship.

Tekashi 69 admitted to "feeling pretty good" about being an informant...

Doctors now relate this as being a "narkcissist"

A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise.

Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?

Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!

I got a call from the hospital saying my ex girlfriend had been admitted and she was serious

I Told them I was only looking for something casual

Why weren't Rib and Femur admitted to the party?

They weren't Hip.

I had to go to the doctor's today...

...and he asked me what he said were routine questions...

He asked, "Do you drink?"

I said I do.

He said, "Do you smoke?"

I said a little bit, mainly when I drink.

He leaned in and said, "And do you do drugs?"

I shamefully admitted that, well, yeah, I do....

What did Woody's girlfriend say to him when she admitted to an affair with Buzz?

"You've got a friend in me."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I finally admitted to my wife that I was seeing a therapist.

She then admitted that she was also seeing a therapist, two plumbers, and a lawyer.

My deaf wife admitted that she had been cheating for years.

I didn't want to believe her, but all the signs were there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once admitted to my wife that she'd hurt my feeling.

She said: "Which one? Horny or Hungry?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A worker at a cucumber factory had this strange urge...

He wanted to stick his dick into the cucumber cutter. The urge was growing and growing until he decided to visit a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist found that the only way to heal the urge was to actually go ahead and do it.

The next day the worker came home early, his wife asked why. As...

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

My fat friend admitted that I was less in need of a diet than him.

I said "that's very big of you."

Donald Trump admitted today that he contracted an STD.

He has hairpiece.

A 19-year-old teen had to be admitted after he became addicted to social media.

He’s currently being tweeted in hospital.

[NSFW] A nurse was dating a Doctor and got pregnant...

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

Why were Missouri and Maine admitted as states at the same time?

Because Missouri loves company.

Help! My son admitted to us that he identifies as a crescent. What do I do?

My wife says it’s just a phase...

A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God...

" there is one thing I've always wanted to know"

"Ok, ask away," God said.

" Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked

" The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god.

The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob the Mailman

A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's been having an affair with Bob the mailman."

"What?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"

"That's right," says the first guy.

"Jesus," ...

Why was the Nun admitted to rehab....

Because she had a habit!

I'll just show myself out

I've recently admitted to being a masochist.

The realization has been painful, but I like it.

Lance Armstrong finally admitted to doping...

...at least he had the ball to admit it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The hospital report said that a man was admitted to the hospital last night with a Philips head in his rectum.

The tool resulted in internal bleeding and he had to be rushed to the ICU.

Doctors say he screwed himself, so he could screw himself, but he screwed himself.

A man and a woman get admitted to a psych ward at the same time...

They always hang around together, wordlessly, just holding each other's hands and everyone assumes they're in love. One beautiful evening the man and the woman take a walk to the pool and the man lets go of the woman's hand and jumps into the pool, she jumps into the pool and saves him heroically wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

90 percent of adults admitted to having some form of sexual interaction in the office.

I licked an envelope once.

So Hydrogen finally admitted to Sodium that she had been bonding with Oxygen

Sodium reacted violently.

My mother recently admitted to me that she identified as a man.

I haven't seen much of her since she came out as transparent.

My wife admitted today that she doesn’t mind if I have a small unit ...

... she said it’s the little things she loves about me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates when three men in quick succession approached looking to be admitted.

St. Peter, as was his custom, asked the first man how he had died. "Well, the man replied, I came home unexpectedly this afternoon to find a cigar burning in the ashtray and my wife naked and alone in the bed. I suspected she was entertaining a lover and demanded she tell me where he was hiding. She...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.