I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

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The lecture

A man who is a member of a gentleman's club in London is asked to give a lecture. He can choose any topic he wants. The man readily agrees.
Later that day he asks his friend what he should talk about that night. His friend replies " Talk about sex, old boy. Everyone loves to hear about it".
...

After the physics lecture ended, I asked my professor “What happened before The Big Bang?”

He said, “Sorry. There is no Time.”

So this dude's giving a lecture

about how two negatives can make a positive but two positives can't make a negative, when a voice from the lecture hall shouts:

"Yeah, Yeah!"

An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...

The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.

A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion co...

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A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

After having failed his exam in Logic, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my grade as is and go. If you howev...

A linguistic professor was giving a lecture.

" In English, a double negative becomes a positive. But it is not true for every language. In Russian, a double negative still remains a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative."

Student - "yeah, right".

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Heard this one during a real science lecture two years ago.

"In the event of a tornado, you will want to hide in a safe spot." said the teacher. "A good place to hide would be one with the least number of windows. So where should you hide?"

One of the intellectuals thinks for a moment and then raises his hand. The teacher calls on him.

"You ...

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A professor, giving a lecture on involuntary muscle contractions, pointed to a gorgeous young woman and asked: “Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”

She answered, “Probably out drinking with his mates.”

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A professor at the University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That...

I went to a really interesting lecture on kleptomania.

I took a lot from it.

I had to sit through a 3-hour lecture about drills.

It's just boring.

My physics professor took an entire class to lecture us about Cole’s law

Turns out, it’s just thinly sliced cabbage

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An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students.

Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ’There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ’Now you must do the same,’ he told the class.
After a couple of minute...

Surprise mother f*

A professor was about to begin his lecture and was writing something on the board, then someone whistles, so he asks, 'who did it', but no one answered.

So he continued the lecture then hears the whistle again. So he asks, 'who was it' and again no one answers.

So he packeshis notes a...

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Nicky, a boy in 6th grade, came home from school...

He sat at the dinner table. He looked very confused and agitated, so his father sat next to him.

Dad - “What’s wrong son? Rough day at school?”

Nicky - “Yes sir, some of the other boys were making fun of me.”

Dad - “Well what for? Maybe I can help.”

Nicky - “Tommy Je...

Tom was stopped by the cops while walking home at 2am the other night.

The cop asked where him where he was going at that time of night. Tom replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Tom re...

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A Day at the University

I posted a joke that gained some popularity before getting deleted for breaking the rules of the community. As there are people who ask me what the joke was, I'll try to reformulate it so that it complies with the rules.

Carrynegie Melon University, Penisylvania. Prof. Mary Armstrong gives a ...

My Mum gave me a right earful and a lecture about having an imaginary friend, after that she said get your coat: I said why where are we going? She replied.

Church:

A life-saving topic

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a student interrupted him.

“Why do we have to learn this stuff?”, the frustrated student blurted out.

The professor ignored him and continued the lecture.

"I mean, why is this even re...

If Hannibal Lecter taught a class about eating people...

He’d give a cannibal lecture

A famous professor is going around giving lectures. After he finishes one up in Denver, he climbs into his car and talks to his driver.

"Hey Bill, take me back to the hotel please"

"Yes sir. Ya know, Dr. Diller, I've heard your lecture so many times I bet I could recite it word for word"

"Oh, you really think so? Well, if I ever can't make it to a conference one day, I'll take you up on that bet."

Well, believe ...

A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his driver offered an idea.

"Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off." "Sounds great," the scientist said. When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the driver's hat and settled into the back row. The driver walked on the stage delivered the speech. Afterw...

My teacher views every lecture as an opportunity for questions.

I just wish he viewed every lecture as an opportunity for answers.

A Whistler

Don't know whether this joke is already posted. This was forwarded by my boss. Tho joke goes like,



A Professor started his class on a very serious topic. The moment he turned towards the blackboard, one of the students whistled. He turned, looked at the class and asked the Whistler's ...

My wife wants me to read Pride and Prejudice, but I refused.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling it’ll try to lecture me.

A lord goes on vacation

A British lord went on vacation. After one week his butler sends him a telegram:

"Your cat fell off the roof and croaked."

Upon receiving this, the lord furiously canceled his vacation and made his way home where he berated his butler.

"Look if I was in your place I would have p...

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Dad says anything

While out for a walk with my puppy on the community trail along the river this morning, I -a dad- came across an elderly gentleman who seemed inclined to give me an impromptu lecture on the etiquette of keeping dogs on leashes, as well as a short soliloquy on municipal governance bylaws and the vari...

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The dead cow lecture

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two impor...

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Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class...

Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though t...

One day in a Sunday school class, there was a girl happily paying attention during the teacher's lecture

but there was a boy behind her that kept poking her with a stick. During this, the teacher began to call on the girl and ask her questions.

Teacher: Who do we believe in?

*poke

Girl: God!

Teacher: Very good. Who died for our sins?

*poke

Girl: Jesus Christ!...

A farmer had three sons.

One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car. His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'l...

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe as his boss lectured and answered difficult questions about the nature of things and the meaning of life.

Then, one day, the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for just one evening. The philosopher agreed, and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well.

However, when the time came for questions, someone at the back of the room asked him, "I...

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

Lecturer: "have any of you heard of pavlov's dogs?"

Student: "... It rings a bell."

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A college advertising lecture is taking place. The speaker is presenting his anti-drug PSA.

He says:

- I am the author of a simple, yet effective campaign against drug use.

He shows the poster he designed. It shows two circles, one big and the other small. The big one is titled "This Is Your Brain", the small one is titled "This Is Your Brain on Drugs". The speaker says:
<...

Two medicine students were sitting on a bench...

Two medicine students were sitting on a bench when they saw an old man walking along the road.

The man seemed to have some sort of disability because he had his legs unusually close together and when we walked he dragged one foot along the road.

The medicine students, taught to come t...

A lecturer had reached one of his most important points

"He who gives in when he is wrong is wise: but the man who gives in when he is right is..."

"Married," someone shouted from the audience.

A mother walrus is lecturing her child

wagging her flipper, she lectures "you shouldn't be selfish, after all it's walrUS, not walri.". The child walrus, thinking walrus was a Latin word, is naturally confused.

A couple are asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door". The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you". "Could you give me a push" says the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you're drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into b...

The drunk and the lecture

A drunk is approached by the police at 3 in the morning:

The cop asks:

-Where are you going in that state, at this time?

The drunk answers:

-I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and its lethal effects on the organism, the bad example, the nefarious consequences to ...

A Greek philosopher’s lecture on knowledge was really confusing and frustrating.

Episteme off.

The Professor's Lecture

Professor Drobkin was about to lead a lecture in front of a large group of students and fellows at the University, and he was terribly nervous. He had never been very good at speaking in front of large audiences, so he'd practiced at home constantly with a set of notecards.

When he was summon...

Neil DeGrasse Tyson is finally coming to give a lecture in my University.

It's about time.

A bishop is giving a lecture in a church in his diocese

He says, "times sure are changing, and kids growing up today aren't being a part of church as much as I'd like them too. Here's what I propose: Every married couple should have 3 kids- one to walk the path of the dad's will, one to walk the path of the mom's will and one to serve the church. For fam...

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician were supposed to give a guest lecture at a school.

When they arrive at the classroom, the professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! We ...

I once ate a quarter ounce of mushrooms and drove from Flint from Auburn hills while being lectured by a Giant Goldcap on why i'd never do mushrooms again.

Turns out, he was completely right.

I was just in my local supermarket...

Saw a fellow whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soaps, toilet paper; everything that people are in need of.

I called him a selfish b\*stard and gave him a lecture about the elderly and infirm etc. who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed o...

My son told me this joke when he was two. "Knock knock..."

"Who's there?"

"Boo."

"Boo who?"

"CHICAGO"

He's almost 13 now, so... even if you downvote me straight to Hell, this works out.

Because I can just give him a lecture over why it's all his fault, and then I will be a successful parent today.

I was supposed to give a lecture on herpes today, but it was cancelled at the last minute.

Apparently it's a sore subject for a lot of people.

My computer science professor was fired for giving a lecture in Octal

My school has very strict policies regarding eight-speech.

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Professor told dirty jokes in class

Professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it.

So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kinds of jokes,they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the protest.

In the next lecture,in th...

I was at university for a lesson today, and my psychology lecturer asked us what makes a terrorist tick.

Apparently, "a bomb" was not the right answer.

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A Russian Military Lecturer

The commanding officer at a Russian military academy gave a lecture on potential problems and military strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, “Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?”

The gener...

Paige finishes writing her biology dissertation and hands it in to the lecturer the following day.

He quickly flicks through it and realises something is missing.

"Where's your appendix page?"

"Easy", she says, and points to her lower abdomen.

Did you hear about the frog professor?

He gave very ribitting lectures

My local fisherman keeps trying to lecture me about how the litter from single-use plastics flows downstream into spawning grounds.

I see he's up-to-date with current events.

NSFW During a Linguistics lecture today, the teacher demonstrated how nouns can be turned into verbs;

for example "a brush is used to brush some one". My teacher gazed around the class, asking us for another example.

In retrospect, I don't think she liked the word "fist".

A student busts into a lecture hall right as the professor is finishing his lecture

The student says professor sorry I'm late, do you mind summarising the lecture for me in 2 minutes.

The professor says, No need son, it will all be on the exam

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.

Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"<...

Why is the algorithms lecturer so fat?

Because he always minimises the running time.

My university professor had a lecture on the economy of eating ass, and it was underwhelming.

Nothing but gross domestic product.

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So a Lecturer tells a joke in the class. . .

. . .and then one of the students raises his hand and says "but sir you told that joke last year" the lecturer replies "if you can repeat things then so can I"

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I just realized the fight between obi wan and Anakin perfectly sums up the past year of fighting between Millenials and Boomers, respectively.

When Jedi business becomes too real.

---------------

Millenials: You have allowed this giant turd to twist your mind, until now, until now you've become the very thing you swore to destroy.

Boomer : Don't lecture me, child, I see through the lies of the libtards I do not fear t...

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There was a girl at the lecture..

She was watching porn, but I could tell from her facial expression she didn't enjoyed it. She more like despised it and probably thought “I don't accept this, it cheapens women!".  She looked so angry that I turned towards her and said “If you don't like it, no-one is making you watch it. So please ...

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College Lecture

A university professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole ...

Back when Einstein was giving lectures to Universities, he traveled by car.

During one journey to a certain university, his driver remarked "Dr. Einstein, I have heard you deliver that lecture over 20 times. I know it by heart and I am certain I could give it myself."

Einstein thought for a bit and replied "Well, I'll give you the chance. They don't know me at the ne...

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A Lecture on Life

A professor is giving a lecture on personal lives, and to start he pulls out a jar.

“This jar,” he says, “represents your life.”

He then drops in some fairly large-sized rocks into the jar.

“These rocks represent the basics of your life. You know, food, shelter, sex, stuff like ...

Professor opened with this in first year engineering lecture: What do engineers use for birth control?

Their personalities

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Johnnie didn't know what else to do to have sex with his wife...

... every time he tried, she would make him feel like a perv and would lecture him about going to church to get rid of those dirty thoughts.

They lived in a small town and after work, Johnnie was a regular at a bar. Each night, everybody would make a toast and people would vote for the best t...

My wife has a contract to give lectures...

It's called a marriage license

A communist mistakenly walked into an economics lecture in a local university

When he realised it was a mistake, he said to himself "whoops, wrong class".

A CEO's advise

The CEO of a large corporation was giving advice to a junior executive. "I was young, married, and out of work," he lectured.
"I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them, and sold them for ten cents each....

My university lecturer makes all of his students buy his book at the beginning of the term.

It's textbook economics.

I've decided to combat the Coronavirυs by raising awareness.

I spent the day canvassing the street and delivering 10-minute lectures to passerbys about the importance of social isolation, especially if you're feeling sick.

I think I'm making progress. I've already spoken to 50 people today!

I'm especially proud of today's efforts because I woke ...

What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture...

What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture on the Northern Lights to the people of Wonderland?

Aurora boring Alice.

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A university professor was giving a lecture to a group of men on the link between sex and happiness.

To illustrate an example, he asked the men who have sex daily to stand up. A number of men stood up, smiling and high fiving each other.

Then he asked the men who have sex once a week to stand up. Again, a group of them stood up, but only with a faint smile on their faces.

Taking it fu...

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Last week I gave a lecture on sexual dysfunction

Nobody came.

A student was listening to an English teacher's lecture

A student was listening to an English teacher's lecture when a female student from behind had remarked that the book they were reading, "Spider Season", irked her because she was afraid of spiders. The professor perked up and said:

"Its interesting to note, that the number one fear of women ...

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An algebra teacher had just finished his lecture when he saw a female student...

She had stayed behind after everyone else had left, furiously working away at proof exercises. The teacher walked up to her and said, "Why are you working so hard?"

She looked up and responded: "Harry Styles will marry me if and only if I finish top of my class."

The teacher looked be...

My Lecturer asked me why i was failing my class

"Is it ignorance or apathy?", he said.

Honestly, I don't know and I don't care.

Where did Anthony Hopkins go to learn about cannibalism?

To a Hannibal Lecture.

A state trooper pulls over a farmer...

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he ...

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A man was pressured by his parents to attend a formal gathering...

Everything was going fairly well. He was largely being ignored, which was for the best so he avoided saying anything to embarrass himself.
Unfortunately, he had been holding in a nearly full bladder full a while and it could not wait until the end of the party. he had no choice but to walk up to ...

A lecture on Love

A village pastor was a bit down on money, so he decided to give a paid lecture "On the love of God". He posted the notice about it, but nobody came, this being a frugal and not too zealous village.

The next day, the notice announced a lecture on "The three kinds of Love". Now, folks got curi...

I give frequent lectures about informative and interesting topics underwater.

For academic porpoises.

What did Hannibal Lecter say to the philosophy professor after the lecture?

I can smell your Kant.

A college lecturer asks his students who is poorer...

A man with $1000 but is $750 in debt, or a man with $250. The hall is silent for a moment, then a student stands up and answers

"Me."

An army sergeant is talking to soldiers about how guns should only be fired to protect themselves, their friends and their country.

He gives a whole lecture about safety and the rules one should set for themselves so they never use firearms in a way that wouldnt be fit for a soldier.
At one point a soldier asks the sergeant if he can ask a couple of questions about shooting without the need for protection;

The serg...

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