An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

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Guy giving a lecture, on the paranormal.

Guy: "How many people believe in Ghosts?"

About 60 hands go up.

"How many have seen a ghost.?"

About 15 hands go up.

"How many have of you have spoken to a ghost.?"

3 hands go up.

"How many have had sex with a ghost?"

One hand goes up, Abdul right at ...

Professor Martins at the University was giving a lecture on "Logic and Legality" to his first year students.

This day one of his students was perturbed because he had just received his results and was shocked that his professor had failed him.

After sitting through the lecture for an hour, the student raised his hand. "Professor, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

The profe...

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A teacher was giving her students a lecture about good manners.

She wanted to test how they would act in a certain circumstance, so she asked:
- Derek, imagine that you’re having dinner with a girl you love, and you suddenly want to go to the restroom during the meal. What would you say to her in this situation?
- “Stay right there, I’m going to pee.”
-...

A lecturer visits a Soviet mental hospital

He gives a lecture about how great communism is. Everyone claps loudly except for one person who stays quiet. The lecturer asks, "Why aren't you clapping?" and the person replies: "I only work here."

I went to see a lecture in Belgium;

There was a lot of waffle

At a meeting in a factory, a lecturer from the district Party committee tells the workers about their bright future in the USSR.

At a meeting in a factory, a lecturer from the district Party committee tells the workers about their bright future in the USSR.

"See, comrades, after this five-year plan is completed, every family will have a separate apartment. After the next five-year plan is completed, every worker will h...

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blur...

Adam Johnson, the man seen carrying House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s lecture during the siege has been arrested.

His lawyer said that at the trial he won’t be taking the stand.

A linguistics professor says during a lecture...

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room ...

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Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know...

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An medical forensics professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students.

Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. “There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.” Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus, withdrew it, then licked his finger. “Now you must do the same,” he told the class. A...

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A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

Vladimir Putin visits a primary school one day

And he gives a lecture about how great the government is, and how Russia is the best country in the world.
At the end of the lecture he invites people to ask questions and one kid stands up and says
“Hello my name is Sasha and I have two questions”
Putin: “go ahead”
Sasha: “Why did Russi...

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First day of Med School

It is the first day of medical school, and the doctor in charge of the new class has all the new students gather in the main lecture hall for the orientation. Taking his place in front of the group, he starts his speech.

"In order to succeed in the world of medicine, you must first master two...

A student sits in class, eagerly listening to the lecture.

Next to him, a classmate who is twiddling his thumbs and spinning a pencil.

The teacher finishes the lesson and asks the students to copy the board.

Soon enough, the teacher walks over to the eager student and asks what he’s doing, as he isn’t writing.

Twiddling his thumbs and ...

By mistake his Phone rang in Church during prayers...

The Priest scolded him ...

After prayers, the congregation admonished him for interrupting the silence.

His wife lectured him on his carelessness until they got home.

One could see the shame, embarrassment n humiliation on his face !!

*He has never stepped into the Church...

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A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding...

...and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his h...

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”

The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”

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The art of Veterinary Medicine

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

The professor tells the class "In Veterinary Medicine, there are two quali...

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A drunkard was zigzagging his way through the streets at 4AM. Two policemen in a car decided to approach him...

One cop asked "where are you going at this time of night?"

"I'm going to a lecture"

"A lecture?! At this time of night? What about?!"

"About the effects of alcohol and drugs on the human body. The damages caused by living a reckless life. The degradation that free love and sex ...

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While a Teacher was educating her class on how to recognize con artists she noticed one of her students looking down

She pauses her lecture and walks next to the desk of the gloomy child.

"Dear what seems to be the problem?" She asks

The student looks up and says "my mother is in the hospital and my dad is in the police station"

"Oh dear god, you should be at home instead of school! Here I'll ...

An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...

The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.

A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion co...

Basic Psychology

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrol...

So this dude's giving a lecture

about how two negatives can make a positive but two positives can't make a negative, when a voice from the lecture hall shouts:

"Yeah, Yeah!"

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The lecture

A man who is a member of a gentleman's club in London is asked to give a lecture. He can choose any topic he wants. The man readily agrees.
Later that day he asks his friend what he should talk about that night. His friend replies " Talk about sex, old boy. Everyone loves to hear about it".
...

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Heard this one during a real science lecture two years ago.

"In the event of a tornado, you will want to hide in a safe spot." said the teacher. "A good place to hide would be one with the least number of windows. So where should you hide?"

One of the intellectuals thinks for a moment and then raises his hand. The teacher calls on him.

"You ...

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and and be glad that you are still alive?

I did, apparently this girl sitting next to me is really mad at me and I won't be allowed to sleep during lectures anymore.

I had to sit through a 3-hour lecture about drills.

It's just boring.

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A professor at the University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That...

I went to a really interesting lecture on kleptomania.

I took a lot from it.

A philosopher and a driver

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture....

A man is pulled over for recklessly speeding at 3am

The police officer demands to know: where are you rushing to at 3am?

The man answers: to hear a lecture.

The police officer asks: a lecture??? Who the hell is giving a lecture at this hour of the night?!?!

The man responds: **my wife!!!**

What do you call a university class taught by a cannibal?

A Hannibal Lecture

Complicated Concept!

A professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does ph...

My physics professor took an entire class to lecture us about Cole’s law

Turns out, it’s just thinly sliced cabbage

A famous professor is going around giving lectures. After he finishes one up in Denver, he climbs into his car and talks to his driver.

"Hey Bill, take me back to the hotel please"

"Yes sir. Ya know, Dr. Diller, I've heard your lecture so many times I bet I could recite it word for word"

"Oh, you really think so? Well, if I ever can't make it to a conference one day, I'll take you up on that bet."

Well, believe ...

My Mum gave me a right earful and a lecture about having an imaginary friend, after that she said get your coat: I said why where are we going? She replied.

Church:

A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his driver offered an idea.

"Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off." "Sounds great," the scientist said. When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the driver's hat and settled into the back row. The driver walked on the stage delivered the speech. Afterw...

The Professor's Lecture

Professor Drobkin was about to lead a lecture in front of a large group of students and fellows at the University, and he was terribly nervous. He had never been very good at speaking in front of large audiences, so he'd practiced at home constantly with a set of notecards.

When he was summon...

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician were supposed to give a guest lecture at a school.

When they arrive at the classroom, the professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! We ...

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Long

A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest about it. So they decided that the next time the professor starts one of these jokes , they will all leave the class as a protest. Somehow the professor heard about the plan. In the next lecture he said; In Sweden a prostitute mak...

Neil DeGrasse Tyson is finally coming to give a lecture in my University.

It's about time.

My teacher views every lecture as an opportunity for questions.

I just wish he viewed every lecture as an opportunity for answers.

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A college advertising lecture is taking place. The speaker is presenting his anti-drug PSA.

He says:

- I am the author of a simple, yet effective campaign against drug use.

He shows the poster he designed. It shows two circles, one big and the other small. The big one is titled "This Is Your Brain", the small one is titled "This Is Your Brain on Drugs". The speaker says:
<...

One day in a Sunday school class, there was a girl happily paying attention during the teacher's lecture

but there was a boy behind her that kept poking her with a stick. During this, the teacher began to call on the girl and ask her questions.

Teacher: Who do we believe in?

*poke

Girl: God!

Teacher: Very good. Who died for our sins?

*poke

Girl: Jesus Christ!...

Lecturer: "have any of you heard of pavlov's dogs?"

Student: "... It rings a bell."

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A man sits next to a pretty woman on an airplane. While they’re in the air he makes conversation...

... “so where are you flying to”? He asks.

*im going to a nymphomaniacs’ convention*

“Really” he says

*yes, I’m a teacher there... I teach about sex*

“Interesting” he says

*im doing a lecture about sexual stereotypes... for instance, everybody always says that blac...

The drunk and the lecture

A drunk is approached by the police at 3 in the morning:

The cop asks:

-Where are you going in that state, at this time?

The drunk answers:

-I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and its lethal effects on the organism, the bad example, the nefarious consequences to ...

A lecturer had reached one of his most important points

"He who gives in when he is wrong is wise: but the man who gives in when he is right is..."

"Married," someone shouted from the audience.

My computer science professor was fired for giving a lecture in Octal

My school has very strict policies regarding eight-speech.

A bishop is giving a lecture in a church in his diocese

He says, "times sure are changing, and kids growing up today aren't being a part of church as much as I'd like them too. Here's what I propose: Every married couple should have 3 kids- one to walk the path of the dad's will, one to walk the path of the mom's will and one to serve the church. For fam...

A mother walrus is lecturing her child

wagging her flipper, she lectures "you shouldn't be selfish, after all it's walrUS, not walri.". The child walrus, thinking walrus was a Latin word, is naturally confused.

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So a Lecturer tells a joke in the class. . .

. . .and then one of the students raises his hand and says "but sir you told that joke last year" the lecturer replies "if you can repeat things then so can I"

Singapore’s education system be like

Memo to all students : In order to assure the highest levels
of quality work and productivity from students, it will be
our policy to keep all students well taught through our
program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are
trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any...

I once ate a quarter ounce of mushrooms and drove from Flint from Auburn hills while being lectured by a Giant Goldcap on why i'd never do mushrooms again.

Turns out, he was completely right.

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The commander of the Russian military academy (corresponding to the rank of 4-star general in the US Army) gave a lecture on potential problems and military strategy. At the end of the lecture he asked if there were any questions.

One of the officers stood up and asked: "Will there be a Third World War?" And will Russia take part in it? The general answered positively to both questions.
Another officer asked: "Who will be our enemy?" The general replied: "Everything indicates that it will be China."
All were shocked in ...

In today's Criminology class we will learn about cannibalism.

It's my Hannibal Lecture.

I was supposed to give a lecture on herpes today, but it was cancelled at the last minute.

Apparently it's a sore subject for a lot of people.

Why is the algorithms lecturer so fat?

Because he always minimises the running time.

A student busts into a lecture hall right as the professor is finishing his lecture

The student says professor sorry I'm late, do you mind summarising the lecture for me in 2 minutes.

The professor says, No need son, it will all be on the exam

NSFW During a Linguistics lecture today, the teacher demonstrated how nouns can be turned into verbs;

for example "a brush is used to brush some one". My teacher gazed around the class, asking us for another example.

In retrospect, I don't think she liked the word "fist".

Paige finishes writing her biology dissertation and hands it in to the lecturer the following day.

He quickly flicks through it and realises something is missing.

"Where's your appendix page?"

"Easy", she says, and points to her lower abdomen.

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A Lecture on Life

A professor is giving a lecture on personal lives, and to start he pulls out a jar.

“This jar,” he says, “represents your life.”

He then drops in some fairly large-sized rocks into the jar.

“These rocks represent the basics of your life. You know, food, shelter, sex, stuff like ...

Professor opened with this in first year engineering lecture: What do engineers use for birth control?

Their personalities

Everybody seems to have read Pride and Prejudice, but I refuse to do it.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book is going to lecture me.

Back when Einstein was giving lectures to Universities, he traveled by car.

During one journey to a certain university, his driver remarked "Dr. Einstein, I have heard you deliver that lecture over 20 times. I know it by heart and I am certain I could give it myself."

Einstein thought for a bit and replied "Well, I'll give you the chance. They don't know me at the ne...

I was at university for a lesson today, and my psychology lecturer asked us what makes a terrorist tick.

Apparently, "a bomb" was not the right answer.

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There was a girl at the lecture..

She was watching porn, but I could tell from her facial expression she didn't enjoyed it. She more like despised it and probably thought “I don't accept this, it cheapens women!".  She looked so angry that I turned towards her and said “If you don't like it, no-one is making you watch it. So please ...

It's 3 in the morning and an elderly Jewish man is flying down the highway at 105 mph. A state trooper pulls him over.

"Where in the hell are you racing to at this hour?"

"To a lecture, officer."

"Who gives a lecture at 3 a.m.?"

"My wife."

My wife has a contract to give lectures...

It's called a marriage license

The Netherlands VS Greece (First impression )

So I moved to Netherlands some years ago and I'd like to share with you my experiences. Feel free to give me feedback in what you think.



So when I first grounded here, first think I did, I googled a super market and went to buy some cigarettes ( DO NOT SMOKE HERE, IT COSTS LIKE 10 EUR...

My university lecturer makes all of his students buy his book at the beginning of the term.

It's textbook economics.

What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture...

What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture on the Northern Lights to the people of Wonderland?

Aurora boring Alice.

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Friendly Ghost

A Ghost hunter is travelling the world doing lectures and meet and greets trying to get more people interested in the paranormal.

He's been told that his presentations are boring and lack a certain x factor.

He decides to start his next lecture a little differently and begins by saying...

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Last week I gave a lecture on sexual dysfunction

Nobody came.

A communist mistakenly walked into an economics lecture in a local university

When he realised it was a mistake, he said to himself "whoops, wrong class".

A student was listening to an English teacher's lecture

A student was listening to an English teacher's lecture when a female student from behind had remarked that the book they were reading, "Spider Season", irked her because she was afraid of spiders. The professor perked up and said:

"Its interesting to note, that the number one fear of women ...

My Lecturer asked me why i was failing my class

"Is it ignorance or apathy?", he said.

Honestly, I don't know and I don't care.

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An algebra teacher had just finished his lecture when he saw a female student...

She had stayed behind after everyone else had left, furiously working away at proof exercises. The teacher walked up to her and said, "Why are you working so hard?"

She looked up and responded: "Harry Styles will marry me if and only if I finish top of my class."

The teacher looked be...

What did Hannibal Lecter say to the philosophy professor after the lecture?

I can smell your Kant.

Everyone lectures Americans about our politics..

We use our military to lecture the rest of the world's on theirs.

A college lecturer asks his students who is poorer...

A man with $1000 but is $750 in debt, or a man with $250. The hall is silent for a moment, then a student stands up and answers

"Me."

A lecture on Love

A village pastor was a bit down on money, so he decided to give a paid lecture "On the love of God". He posted the notice about it, but nobody came, this being a frugal and not too zealous village.

The next day, the notice announced a lecture on "The three kinds of Love". Now, folks got curi...

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