A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
...

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

A recent study has shown that women who carry a little extra weight

live longer than the men who mention it.

What do you call an extra asparagus?

Just a spare, I guess.

Be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving & Christmas around the corner.

A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.

My college professor makes extra money by forcing his students to buy his book at the beginning of the term.

It’s textbook Economics.

I bought a new ‘extra sensitive’ toothpaste the other day

It’s doesn’t work any better. It just sits in the shower and cries

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The bathroom is basically extra storage.

It's where I keep all my shit.

Credit to u/mynock33

I was taught to always go that extra mile for your customers, but people these days just don't appreciate good service.

This week alone I've had three passengers accuse me of kidnap.

My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die

"Usually an overdose", I said

What do you call it when you get two extra chromosomes instead of one?

Doubling down

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, "Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?"

"Yes," she said, "but I wasn’t willing to pay."

A blonde woman looking to make extra cash goes into a rich neighborhood....

She comes across a house, knocks on the door and a man opens the door. “I am looking for work and would do anything”. The man looks at his porch and sees it needs some serious paint asks her to paint it for $100. She agrees. He shows her to the paints in his garage and she gets to work. About an hou...

My doctor asked me how I would feel having an extra chromosome

I told him I'd be 100% down with that

A blonde is looking to make some extra cash

She decided that she would go around her neighborhood and try to do some odd jobs here and there to make some

She goes over to her richest neighbors house thinking that he would have money to spare and his house was so big that he was bound to have something to do

She goes up the huge ...

My friend Lee likes to allow extra time for his schedule.

That's just the LeeWay

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

The US President says "We're gonna tax your country an extra 25%"...

so China responds, "Yuanna fight?

If I had an extra $20...

I’d party like it’s $19.99.

Why’d the golfer bring an extra shirt?

Incase he got a hole in one!!

I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.

I just watched Extra Credits' new video

His argument was a Reich

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do.
Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

TIL: In the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”, the scene involving people migrating illegally into Mexico involve dozens of extras actually crossing from the USA into Mexico over the Rio Grande

Fortunately, all 1673 of them safely made it back to the US side without issue.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

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Extra Spoon

Linda was dining at an incredibly fancy restaurant. It was so posh and refined, Linda was mortified when she knocked her spoon off the table as soon as the waiter delivered her soup. But, without hesitation, the waiter produced a replacement from the pocket of his apron.

"Thanks so much," sa...

Why did I have to pay extra money for a bag of water at the supermarket?

It was an ex-ice tax.

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "y...

I recently met an old friend. He noticed my tan and and weight loss and asked: "where and how did you loose all that extra pounds?"

I ran.

3 women die and go to heaven. The only rule? Do NOT step on a duck.

3 women die and go to heaven. God tells them that they are free to do as they please, but there is only one rule. Never. Step. On. A. Duck. Seems easy enough.

The next day the first woman steps on a duck. POOF! She is suddenly handcuffed to a really ugly guy. The other 2 women make sure to be...

A cowboy's horse died on the trail so he had to walk for three days to the next town.He looked everywhere in that town but nobody had an extra horse they could sell.So he took a two day journey to the next town only to find himself in the same situation.However,he did stop by a stable and a man

Suggested he see his brother who runs a stable two days walk just south of town.He finds the stable and near death from exhaustion asks"hey mister,I hear you might have a horse for sale."The stable owner says"well I have one,but he don't look so good."The man replied"I've been walking for nearly a w...

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Redditors are like olive oil

Most are extra virgin

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Mr. S is talking to Mr.B

First time telling a joke here. A bit dry but I find it funny

Mr. S is talking to Mr.B
Mr.B your bathroom is the same exact size like my bathroom. I need to buy tiles, how many boxes did you get when you did yours?

Mr.B: 20 boxes of tiles!

A week later

Mr.S tells Mr....

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

What do you call particularly complex stairs?

Stairs with extra steps.

They say Hillary Clinton is a criminal, a sore loser, and a traitor who hates America

Guess that means she deserves an extra big statue.

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I ordered an extra large T-shirt from an online Roman website.

They sent me fucking forty regular.

One day, a lady named Anne wanted to change her name...

One day, a lady named Anne decided she was bored of her name and wanted to change it to Penny-Anne. That's not what I would choose, I would do something cool like Proffeser Spider Ninja, but that's why I haven't changed my name. Anyway, changing your name can be like $200, and Anne didn't have a lot...

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When I was circumcised they accidentally took a little extra off.

They ended up using it as skin grafts for a pair of twin's eyelids.

Now I'm getting sued by the parents because they're a little cock-eyed.

What does a McChicken, a whopper, a beefy 5-layer burrito, and an extra most bestest pizza have in common?

They've all seen me naked.

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Two Belgians walk into a police precinct

and say: "Our Dutch friend is missing. Please help us."

Officer: "Can you describe him to me?"

Belgians: "He's tall, has blue eyes and blonde hair"

Officer: "You described half the Netherlands with this. You got anything more specific?"

Belgians: "Yeah, he has an extra p...

Wife: “Let’s make tonight extra-romantic.” Husband: “Way ahead of you.”

“Alexa, turn the thermostat down to 40 degrees and play “My Heart Will Go On”

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I heard that some people have an extra testicle.

I mean, like, why would you need two?

Normally I don't post this kind of stuff but on a serious note

If anybody knows of a lonely old person who will be eating Christmas dinner alone, maybe they have no family or close friends etc then please let me know... I need to borrow a few extra chairs


Jokes not mine found it on the internet

In honor of Area 51, what do you call too many aliens in one place???

Extra terrestrials

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If Virgin olive oil is good, and Extra Virgin olive oil is better...

Incel olive oil must be amazing.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepar...

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A husband and wife decide they need some extra money [NSFW]

A husband and wife decide they need some extra money to help pay the bills. The wife, being dutiful and willing to do anything to help out the family, decides she's going to start selling blowjobs.

At the end of her first day at this new endeavor she comes back home on the verge of tears, but...

Why does Santa have to be extra careful with his health around Christmas Eve?

It's flue season.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I gave an elite prostitute a Swiss watch

and she gave me an extra hour ...

Why is a condo better than a house?

Because a house is just a condo with extra steps.

I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.

I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.

A Fast Worker

A guy hires Danny Dumbass to paint his porch.

The guy figures it's an all day job, so he leaves to run some errands.

But he forgets something at home and returns an hour later.

He sees Danny, lounging in a hammock, sipping lemonade.

"Finished already, huh?", says the guy....

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A man had 3 girlfriends...

He wanted to settle down finally and marry someone. He had no idea about whom to choose, so he gave each one of them 10k$ and asked them to spend it in the best way possible.

The first one bought clothes and cosmetics for herself.

The second one put it in her savings saying it will he...

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The interviewer asked him to follow one rule.

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”

The interviewer says,...

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The Hairdresser

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Ro...

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"Give me an example of when you've gone the extra mile for someone?" asked the job interviewer.

"Well," I said. "One time a prostitute refused to walk down the block to my car."

I think I saw my friend with an extra electron...

...so I'm going to keep an ion him.

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China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor the women are extra fertile.

But their condoms are "Made in China"

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

Two knights stood to face each other

They both unsheathed their weapons, ready to duel

The first knight drew his longsword, confident he would defeat his opponent with wit and skill

The second knight drew a large block of cheddar cheese

The first knight scoffed and said, "And just how to you expect to best me with ...

Once upon a time a man existed who would wake up every morning and rip a huge fart.

As the man aged his wifes ire grew and grew. Then one Thanksgiving eve she thought of something. A plan sooooo devious it just might work!

Thanksgiving morning she got up extra early to "prepare". She gutted the turkey and snuck quiet as a mouse back upstairs. Hours later she heard that t...

A programmer walks into a bar...

He orders 1.000000119 root beers.

The bartender says, “ I’m gonna have to charge you extra, that’s a root beer float.”

The programmer says, “Well in that case make it a double.”

A man was sitting

on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big b...

What did the drunk guy do when he went back in time?

He slept an extra hour.

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A roman, an american, and a jewish man all died.

They were immediately sent to hell because they had committed some pretty unsettling offenses in their lives. The roman was a lustful sex offender, the american was extremely gluttonous, and the Jewish man was very greedy and stole lots of money over his lifetime.

Well, God was feeling pretty...

A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, isle 11."

The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?"

The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."

A golfer was thinking of bringing an extra pair of pants.

He figured it's not a bad idea, just in case he got a hole in one.

Why do Dasher and Dancer get extra coffee breaks?

Because they’re Santa’s star bucks.

Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?

To make ends meat

Times are tough and I wanted to make some easy extra cash for the holidays, so I took on a part time job as a postman. However, I quit on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver...

I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”

Don't worry too much about Net Neutrality!

Spending extra dollars to use some websites will give you a "sense of pride and accomplishment"!

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I never paid an extra hundred to have a garbanzo bean on me.

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Both of them.

A guy visits his friends house and finds his friend tired and hungover. His friend asks him to bring his slippers from upstairs. When he goes upstairs he sees two escorts his friend called for the night and tells them that the guy told him to bang both of them. The girls reply “are you sure ?, that...

So I went to a super rich hotel and apparently they have code names for everything...

So I asked for an extra pillow and got a prositute

Now I have two prositutes and not enough pillows

Did you know Nebraska has the highest level of depression and extra-marital activity?

It's a sad state of affairs.

Credit: Paul Savage

A pretty woman came up to me in a restaurant and asked if i was single

I smiled happily and answered "yes"

she took the extra chair away from my table.

Whenever I visit my parents they always give me extra food since I’m “eating for two now”

They really take this tapeworm seriously

I'm not just alright with my extra chromosome...

In fact, I'm down with it.

I recently met the most desperate hooker.

Infact so desperate that she's willing to be tied up, beaten and flogged by the customers to earn some extra money.

She was strapped for cash.

I gave up studying extra-terrestrial medicine

I just couldn't find the patients for it.

A rabbit walks into a pub...

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following ...

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What do you call the extra skin around a vagina?

A woman.

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France.

^(9,90$ to unlock an extra line.)

From a professional ethics exam for lawyers

You are a young lawyer. An old woman comes to you to get a will. After you're done she hands you an envelope with cash as payment. When you count the money you notice that she mistakenly put 100$ too much on the envelope. What do you do with the extra money?

A: Keep the money yourself

...

My usual cab driver always goes the extra mile.

I’ve ought to get a new driver really.

A young married couple have moved into an apartment and want to repaper the dining room.

They decide to call on a neighbor with a dining room of the same size and ask him how much rolls of wallpaper he bought when he did his dining room.

"Seven," he says.

Heeding his words, they buy seven rolls of expensive wallpaper and get to work. When they get to the end of the fourth ...

My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley

I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”

Aliens and Western Classical Music

In 1977 Nasa launched the Voyager Spacecraft into space. The spacecraft contained multiple pieces of music, among other things, including J. S. Bach's Brandenburg Concerto No. 2. It's likely that extra-terrestrial life will have developed a fondness of German Classical music and will one day come to...

Bought some extra sensitive toothpaste the other day...

It got really jealous when I used a different toothpaste this morning

Do you ever just accidentally infuse an extra atom of oxygen into your water?

Fear not, H2O2 is H2O too

Imagine all the things we could do if we didn't have to sleep

I could do so much with those extra 2 hours a day.

A one-eyed guy named Wazowski found a magic lamp

Genie: you have one wish

Wazowski: I want an extra eye

Genie: done

Wazowskii: but nothing happened

I don't have time for the Fall Equinox

But if you check back with me at Daylight Savings Time I should have an extra hour...

A British man visits a small American family farm... [Long]

And he's impressed at just how much food the farmer is able to grow on his small plot. "This is most impressive!" he says. "It seems like more than one family could eat, old boy! How do you deal with the excess?"

The farmer, a man of few words, replies: "We eat what we can, and what we can't,...

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