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Extra Jokes

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For extra cash consider robbing sex offenders.

Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.

Only downside is politicians usually have good security.

Extra seats

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”

The man groans, but remains seated. The usher becoming impatient with the man, ...

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China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor the women are extra fertile.

But their condoms are "Made in China"

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come wi...

EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS

A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra-large condoms.
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?"
The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"

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what's the difference between Extra Virgin Olive Oil and regular Olive Oil?

A candle lit dinner and bottle of champagne.

Why did Pavlov have extra soft hair?

Classical conditioning

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "H...

Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?

He was making up for lost thyme.

Thank you, thank you. I'll just show myself out now.

*Wow, thanks! I was expecting a much chilier reception, but your warm comments have kept those fears at bay (that's what you get for encouraging me :)*

So I was hearing a story about how my local chemist met her husband. Apparently he came in asking for some extra, extra, extra, extra large condoms.

Only later did she discover he had a stutter.

I always go the extra mile.

Because I keep missing the exit.

After months of scrimping and bargain-hunting, a woman begged her husband for more money. “Can’t you just give me an extra ten dollars so I can buy a roast?”

Her husband pulled a ten-dollar bill from his wallet and held it up to a mirror. “See the money in the mirror? That’s yours.”

He put it back in his wallet and said, “THIS is mine.”

The next evening when he got home, the dinner table was filled with steak, ham, a huge roast chicken, th...

Why do golfers bring extra socks?

In case they get a hole in one.

My son asked me why he doesn't get his own room when we use the extra one for storage.

I told him there's no room for mistakes.

A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, isle 11."

The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?"

The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."

I'm not just alright with my extra chromosome...

In fact, I'm down with it.

A Frenchman, an Italian and a Russian all end up in hell. The Frenchman begs to make one last call home to see how his family is coping. The devil says fine, it’ll cost you an extra thousand years in the flames. The Frenchman agrees, and tearfully listens to his wife doing his brother.

The Italian begs to call home to see how his daughters are doing. That’ll be an extra thousand years in the flaming pit, says the devil. So be it, says the Italian, and weeps as he listens to his children selling the farm.


Now I want to call home, says the Russian, and grabs the receiv...

My doctor asked if I wanted an extra chromosome.

I told him I'd be down with that.

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A man downloaded a calculator app, but needed to pay extra to unlock the plus button

He had to pay in order to use additional features

"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers"

-New York's most hated cab driver


Courtesy of @lordbeef on Twitter

What was the name of the king’s extra knight?

Sir Plus

My extra sensitive toothpaste ...

doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

What do you call an extra vegetable??

A spare I guess (asparagus)

What do they call an extra-large bottle of lube in Alabama?

Family size

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Why is it always 'Extra Virgin' olive oil?

Why can’t we also have some 'Loose Woman' olive oil?

A fisherman is looking for an extra set of hands on his boat ...

He goes into town to try and hire some help. He meets a man and asks him if he'd be interested in a job on his boat. The man replies "I'd definitely be interested, what does it pay?" The fisherman replies "I don't have a lot of cash, but I can pay you one fish per day." The man immediately respo...

Extra Large Condoms

The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He dec...

I think I saw my friend with an extra electron...

...so I'm going to keep an ion him.

There’s nothing I love more than eggs with extra-durable yolks.

They just can’t be beaten.

Me: “Can I have a few extra days off before Christmas?"

Boss: “It's May.”

Me: “Sorry, may I have a few days off before Christmas?”

Did you know Nebraska has the highest level of depression and extra-marital activity?

It's a sad state of affairs.

Credit: Paul Savage

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A man rents a room, and pays extra on the condition the landlady prepare his work lunch every day...

So on the first day, she packs him a sandwich on normal sandwich bread, using the last night's leftovers of meatloaf, adding in some fruit and a bottle of soda.

When he comes home, he politely tells her that it wasn't quite enough food for him.

The next day, she makes two sandwiches (...

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God: Creates humans as they were meant to be.

Also god: New rules! I need you all to cut the extra skin off your penis.

How does the Hulk make extra money?

He flips cars.

What do you call coffee with extra creamer?

Bukkoffee

Why do witch covens have extra bathrooms?

Crone's Disease

Just bought some extra strong beer. On the tin it says 'Please drink responsibly'

Well I've got my seat belt on...

So my cab driver went the extra mile for me the other day

I had to ask him to reverse as I didn't have enough money for the fare

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A man applies for a government job

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.

”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer ...

Why do people keep adding an extra s after 'needles'?

I don’t see the point, it’s needless.

Thanksgiving will be extra special this year

Because people will be spreading diseases to each other, just like in the original.

Where did the Terminator find extra toilet paper?

Aisle B, back.

Yo mama is so fat, that if she could communicate with the dead…

… she wouldn’t be called a medium, but an extra large.

Corona Extra

Sounds like a spoiler for 2021

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How can anything be extra virgin?

This is a long story, you might want to sit down.

Back in the glory days of the Roman Republic, they had six Vestal Virgins who served the goddess Vesta. One year several died of a plague, and it was essential that the number be brought back up to 6 so the various rites could be performed, l...

Remember that cucumbers need to be washed extra vigorously.

You can do what my mom did, and take them into the shower with you.

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What do you call the extra skin around a vagina?

A woman.

I don't know what to do with all my extra counter space in my bathroom!

Guess I'll go get a girlfriend.

I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13.

“Sir, you gave me an extra.” That’s a freebie.

I heard that if you drink beer and smoke weed that you'll gain an extra 50 IQ points...

They call this phenomenon "Budweiser"

Why has Xi Jinping and the CCP been extra bad this year?

So they can get free coal in their stocking.

What do you call a seal with an extra electron?

A sea lion!

What do you call a movie extra from Prague?

A background Czech.

Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks?

Minnesota!

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How is extra virgin olive oil NSFW ?

Not Safe For Wok.

\[yay dumbest joke of the day\]

You know when you have a dentist appointment so you brush your teeth extra to have a clean mouth?

Well, I have a prostate exam coming up. Now I need a new toothbrush.

What do you call an extra large Trader Joe's?

TJ Maxx

A guy at a table I was waiting on today asked for extra mashed potatoes..

I told him they were as mashed as they could get!

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It’s extra important sexual abusers get fired quickly from the work place.

Otherwise, they start rubbing off on people.

If I had an extra $20...

I’d party like it’s $19.99.

A high school girl decides she wants extra cash to buy clothes

She walks all over town trying to find a job for someone her age. She meets three men.

The first man is short, stocky, and has a red beard. He offers her a job gutting fish. She wrinkles her pretty nose and says no thank you, I don’t like the smell.

The second man has a purple jumpsui...

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The bathroom is basically extra storage.

It's where I keep all my shit.

Credit to u/mynock33

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where do you store extra belly buttons?

In a naval reserve!

Why do people pay extra money for prescription cabinets?

All of mine are over the counter...

Be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving & Christmas around the corner.

A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.

Don’t let an extra chromosome

Get you down

If someone can borrow me some extra chromo somes,

I'm down.

I've invented a kind of scarf that wraps around your midsection for extra warmth in winter

I'm calling it the bellyclava.

My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, "Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?"

"Yes," she said, "but I wasn’t willing to pay."

I've just been fired from the clock making factory

after all those extra hours I put in.

It's a well known fact that humorists are more intelligent than the run of the mill average joe on the street. It's also a well known fact that it's not always a good idea to flaunt those extra smarts.

One day, the royal court was lounging around in a bored state. Without thinking, the jester suddenly voiced an opinion, "You know, there are times when the apology for an offense is worse than the original action."

The king immediately glowers and says, "If you can't prove that, Jester, I thi...

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

A man who needed extra cash swam out into sea

He was trying to find a lone shark

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

...

For over a year I've done everything possible to try and lose my extra weight.

I've been eating right, working out, going for daily walks but it just wont work. She's still there when I get back.

What's NC Senate candidate Cal Cunningham's position on extra marital affairs?

Missionary.

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For my post-vasectomy follow-up my doctor required that I give one last semen sample. As a graduated Eagle Scout, I showed up to the appointment with all the necessary supplies: extra clothes, med-kit, secondary ID, Swiss Army knife, field guide, compass, and wet wipes.

When the nurse walked in to collect my sample she said, “I see you came prepared!”

So you secretly bought an extra controller for your PS4?

Two can play at that game.

A blonde woman looking to make extra cash goes into a rich neighborhood....

She comes across a house, knocks on the door and a man opens the door. “I am looking for work and would do anything”. The man looks at his porch and sees it needs some serious paint asks her to paint it for $100. She agrees. He shows her to the paints in his garage and she gets to work. About an hou...

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Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train

At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:

"Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?"

The woman answers:

"I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for ...

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning

That wasn't cool

[Long] A blonde woman decides to start a handyman service to make some extra money.

She walks around a wealthy neighborhood and walks up to the first house.

A man answers the door and she asks if there is anything she can do. He tells her "The porch need painted, how much would that cost?"

She replies "How does $50 sound?" He agrees and she gets to work.

When t...

A Gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist ...

It has been scientifically proven that women with few pounds extra tend to live a lot longer than...

...men who point that out.

I just watched Extra Credits' new video

His argument was a Reich

Mario decided to take up an extra job at the bank.

He had only been working a few weeks and was having a rough day when suddenly a masked man bursts through the door and yells: "This is a robbery!"

This was the last straw for Mario and pulls a shotgun out of his desk, aims it at the man and gives him til the count of 3 to get out or hell blas...

Did you hear about the guy who won an award for having the most extra body parts?

He won the Chernobyl Piece Prize.

As God created this human child, God asked him...

"How about an extra chromosome?"

The child replied, "I'd be down for that."

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How to add extra fun during your amusement park ride ?

Carry some extra nuts and bolts with you.

as soon as the ride begins, Tap on the shoulder of the guy in front of you. Show them the nuts and bolts and ask

"Are these from your seat ? "

Apparently you have to pay extra for candy these days

They call it the Tic Tax

I’d like to thank all the girls on Tinder for helping to make my October extra spooky…

All that ghosting really got me in the Halloween spirit.

My doctor says I have something extra to offer the world

Then he circumcised me.

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Spend the extra money and get the virgin olive oil instead of the regular kind.

It costs a little more, but it's worth it to know that no one has ever put their dick in something that you're going to put on your food

I gave up studying extra-terrestrial medicine

I just couldn't find the patients for it.

How old Mildred stopped gossiping.

Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a ...

What do you call the extra fees on formal wear?

The Taxedo!

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A husband and wife decide they need some extra money [NSFW]

A husband and wife decide they need some extra money to help pay the bills. The wife, being dutiful and willing to do anything to help out the family, decides she's going to start selling blowjobs.

At the end of her first day at this new endeavor she comes back home on the verge of tears, but...

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You know how you can tell if the olive oil is extra virgin?

If it screams while being poured onto a Caesar salad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that some people have an extra testicle.

I mean, like, why would you need two?

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

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