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Winners Jokes

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

People with bad teeth are the real winners

They even have the plaque to prove it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saul, the Jewish Lottery Winner

So Saul, a 90-year-old Jew, wins the $300 million lottery. He's at the news conference to accept the check, and the reporters ask him if there's anyone he'd like to thank.

"Yes," he says solemnly. "I'd like to thank my brother Eli for lending me the $5 to buy the ticket, and my brother David...

I can successfully predict the winners of every divorce case. Here is the list:

The lawyers.

In adultery there are no winners

But taking part is more important than winning

Winners write history

And losers like to point this out

Why are all immigrants to Finland winners?

Because they all crossed the Finnish line.

What's the only place where quitters are winners?

Rehab

Why do lottery winners always go bankrupt?

Because if they knew anything about managing money, they wouldn't be playing the lotto in the first place!

- Anthony Jeselneck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The winners write the history books...

I guess the prize for winning is a boring-ass job?

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The Lottery Winner

So I had sex with a millionaire a few months ago. She actually won the money from a scratch off. Now there’s something that money does to people in bed that you wouldn’t expect, they get rougher. Maybe they figure “if I kill the guy I can just pay his family off”. But no she got very rough. She kept...

I really hope there are no Golden Globe winners

working in the Flat Earth Society.

Thankfully in divorce court, there is always two winners!

The lawyers.

I'm going to sabotage the winners' tents in the next boy scouts competition...

I'll knock them down a peg or two

Nobel Prize winners are a lot like farmers

Oftentimes they are outstanding in their field.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad: “Participation trophies are bad. It rewards people for losing and is unfair to the winners.”

Me: *slowly takes down his confederate flag*

What do you call five tubes of human toothpaste?

The winners of the 2023 Darwin Awards!

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