If you are a really excellent fisherman and you do it all the time they call you a master fisherman…

But, what if you are only really good at baiting the hook?

How do you know someone with excellent English isn't a native speaker?

They apologize for their bad English.

(Inspired by seeing an example on this sub.)

Had an excellent meal last night at this cosy little Christian restaurant near us called "The Lord Giveth"

They also do takeaways.

There's this new guy on my bowling team. His name is Frank, and he's a really nice guy and an excellent bowler, but there's just one thing about him.

At the end of every game, Frank says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late." The rest of us guys find it really annoying. He almost always shows up right on time, but still, he always says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late."

One day we decided that we wanted to find out why he alw...

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to b...

I’m about to reveal a secret to being an excellent guitar player

Stay tuned

Pregnant horses would be excellent in a race

They have twice the horsepower

Kim Jong-un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

I have an excellent pen. It writes underwater.

It writes other words too very well.

My grief counselor suddenly died.

Fortunately he was excellent so I don't care.

A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.

"My Dear Wife,



You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the...

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Three young men were by a small secluded pool at a resort...

...when one of the young men put his hand in the water to test its temperature. Suddenly appeared a Genie who said: "I am the Genie of the pool, go to the diving board, say something you want and dive into the pool, it'll then turn into what you said".

The first young man went on the diving b...

Two older couples are hanging out together.

While the ladies are talking in the kitchen, Jim said, "Bill, we ate at a really good restaurant the other night. The food was good, the prices were reasonable, and the service was excellent."

Bill replied, "Oh yeah? What's the name of the place, I've been looking for a new restaurant."...

Keith Flint failed his English at School. It was a really tough break because his final essay was excellent

He just ran out of space

Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover?

I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3.

A man finds some copper and zinc

A man is out walking one day when he finds some copper and zinc, knowing these are used to make coins he takes them to the government to see what he can get.

There he sits down with a representative of the US mint and says I have here half a grain of copper and 30 grains of zinc, how many ...

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.



Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they p...

Every time I'm depressed, I walk into a cornfield...

I stand in the middle and talk about all of my problems. The cornfield is an excellent listener because it's all ears.

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Wives are excellent housekeepers!

Every time I divorce one, she keeps the fucking house!

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A classroom of kids were learning all about common English proverbs. (LONG)

The teacher asked if anyone had a proverb they could talk about - the kids all put their hands up, including Little Johhny at the back. But the teacher chose Susie: "What's your story, Susie?"

"Well, Miss, my dad jumped into a creek and broke his leg on a big branch just under the water!"...

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Ooops

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"


"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

Someone saw an ad stating "I make your excellent birthday parties or weddings even better " then got curios and called the number on the ad then asked.

\- What do you do to make good birthday parties or weddings even better?

\- I sing on the cake.



Note: just a little cake day joke.

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A cowboy from Texas stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ...

While sipping his beer, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”
The waiter replied, “Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called *C...

Genghis Khan once had the hands of an entire village of superb bowmen maimed so their skills could never be used against him. Similarly, he crippled a conquered town of excellent sprinters

For the town, it was a crushing de feet

The government in this town is excellent and uses your tax dollars efficiently.

~Ron Swanson

A transport ship goes down....

A transport ship goes down in the middle of the Atlantic quickly enough that no distress signal get sent. After the ship had been overdue for a ten days, a rescue is dispatched. Five days after that, the come across an island and send men ashore. There, they find four women lounging in emergency ten...

Teacher:Kids what does a chicken give you Students: Eggs Teacher: Very good now what does the pig give you Kids: Bacon Teacher: Excellent now what does the fat cow give you

Kids: Homework

I bumped into an old mate of mine yesterday

I bumped into an old mate yesterday. He immediately started showing off, talking about him being an excellent writter and the book he recently launched.

Continuing to show off, he said, "My book has sold 1000 copies till date."

I said, "And how many copies did you buy?."

He said...

3 blondes were standing around some tracks.

The first blonde said "look at these tracks! Do you think they're deer tracks?"

The second blonde shook her head "no, there are no hoof prints. If anything these are dog tracks".

The third blonde chuckled, "come on you two. Look at the even spacing, the consistent depth, the distance b...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise

The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”
A few months later, th...

As a writer, my vocabulary is excellent, but my spelling is lacking...

... I thought as I gazed at the squiggly red line beneath the word solemly.

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

Jesus would make an excellent businessman.

He was turning up prophets before he was even born.

I was the referee in a Russian Roulette tournament

I did an excellent job, none of the losers complained

The Soviet Union had excellent snipers...

They were outstanding Marxmen

Sandbox games

The newlyweds and young parents in town discover that the fine sand in the nearby nature resort makes for excellent sandbox sand. So people go in to get a big cart of sand and make some cheap garden sandboxes for their children. The park rangers forbid this and nobody can steal sand anymore. This gu...

Why do skydiving companies have excellent reviews?

Because it was awesome for the people who survived

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

Why is North Korea excellent at drawing straight lines?

Because of their supreme ruler.

Why would trees be excellent postal workers?

They're always on root.

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A Soviet Strip Club

In the seventies, Soviet party members decide on establishing the first strip club in Moscow


They plan out everything, yet somehow there's next to no income. After some discussion, they decide on inviting two American experts to inspect the place.

The Americans look around for a m...

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Karma

Back in the mid-1960s, in an English country pub, a man is sat quietly enjoying a pint of Timothy Taylor Landlord (an excellent English ale). All of a sudden, a bunch of noisy yobs come into the pub and order lager. The mouthiest of the bunch walks across to the man and says, "Oi! You're sitting in ...

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark

Any darker and the police might actually do something about it

My mom was an excellent ventriloquist.

For years, I thought that our dog was telling me to kill my dad.

I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.

What a Messi guy.

My ceramics teacher was excellent.

Day after day, she was always kiln it.

What do you call a well dressed lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythm?

A metro-gnome

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I am an excellent ornotholgist.

I can spot great tits from miles away.

Deaf people make excellent gynecologists.

They can read lips.

The once was a poor Irish farming family.

Their soil was so poor they mainly grew dirt. They also had a milk cow and what a cow it was. It gave a lot of milk and excellent milk it was. The family sold the milk to buy food and that's what kept them going.

One day the father came outside and saw the milk cow was dead. Not knowing what ...

I give excellent relationship advice..

Trust me, I've been in hundreds of relationships.

I just got back from the funeral of my 82 year old neighbour who died after falling off his roof when fixing his TV antenna.

The funeral was sad, but the reception was excellent.

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

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Teacher asks her students to name medicines they know and state their uses.

Little Susan stands and says, "PANADOL"

Teacher: Used for?

Susan: I think headache

Teacher: Good

Musa: PIRITON

Teacher: used for?

Musa: Helps in sleeping..

Teacher: Excellent!!

Little Johnny (stands confidently): VIAGRA

Teacher (nearly f...

Wife told me she has an excellent platelet count

'coagulations'

I have a french gun for sale from WW1. In excellent condition.

Never been used and only dropped once.

It's a well know fact that Elton John is an excellent pianist.

But did you know he sucks on the organ?

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3 biologists are exploring an uncharted jungle...

... when suddenly they are seized by natives.

The natives tie them up and take the 3 men to the village where they are placed before the chieftain.

The chieftain says, “You have trespassed on our sacred land, and so, you must be punished. You have one chance to save yourselves from de...

Most redittors would make excellent Presidents.

We already sleep, eat junk food, watch TV and post on social media 21 hours a day.

This is a joke from 1872

A man said to a preacher, "That was an excellent sermon, but it was not original." The preacher was taken aback. The man said he had a book at home containing every word the preacher used. The next day the man brought the preacher a dictionary.

Your mother has an excellent memory.

Because elephants never forget.

Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."

"Good morning." She replies.

"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.

"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.

"Excellent trade, Ma'am."<...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

I have a magician joke.

Magicians are known to be excellent at hiding things.

Then afterwards, they make it reappear somewhere else.

The best example of this is the good ol coin trick.

Why are IRS agents excellent at Hide-and-Seek?

They can fined anyone.

Bakeries often ask me to pose for promotional photos with their products.

Apparently I'm an excellent roll model

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Masturbation is an excellent skill to have.

Done right, it sure comes in handy.

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