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Excellent Jokes

Why are librarians excellent runners?

Because they are always bookin' it!

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"


"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a ...

My farmer friend told me that horse manure is excellent for strawberries.

I said, “You may be right, but I still prefer whipped cream.”

All Governments are excellent,

And uses your tax dollars efficiently!

Women who are excellent “housekeepers”

Regardless of what you may hear, there’s still many women these days who are excellent “housekeepers”. Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.

What do you call a dinosaur that takes excellent care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor

Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?

Me: I went to Yale during this time period.

Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!

Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!

Which kind of flowers are such excellent talkers?

Tulips. (Because they have two lips.)

I’m about to reveal a secret to being an excellent guitar player

Stay tuned

My ceramics teacher was excellent.

Day after day, she was always kiln it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the excellent butter churning competition at the state fair?

It was a super spreader event!

My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business.

He made some excellent points.

Pregnant horses would be excellent in a race

They have twice the horsepower

"The strengths I bring to this job? Excellent numeracy, a perfect memory,

and a fourth one... ugh, what was it?"

I have an excellent pen. It writes underwater.

It writes other words too very well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.

"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."

"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.

"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."

"That's excellent!...

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.’

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Joe?' 'Yes, Father’ ‘Who’s the gal you were with?' 'I won’t tell, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' ‘Was it Jane marlow?’ ‘I can’t say.' 'Was it Tami Jones?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Kim Dixon or Kate James?' 'My lips are sealed.

The priest sighs in frustration....

Why is North Korea excellent at drawing straight lines?

Because of their supreme ruler.

My cop friend kept demanding that I praise him for the apparently excellent ticket that he just wrote until I eventually gave in and said,

"Fine, fine fine."

How do you know someone with excellent English isn't a native speaker?

They apologize for their bad English.

(Inspired by seeing an example on this sub.)

Why do skydiving companies have excellent reviews?

Because it was awesome for the people who survived

Why is everyone criticising EA?

I've only ever known EA as an excellent video game company and pioneer of the early home computer games industry. EA has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.

($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this pa...

Kim Jong-un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

Jesus would make an excellent businessman.

He was turning up prophets before he was even born.

My wife sighed, "Why does everything have to be a game with you?" I shouted, "An excellent question, sweetheart!"

"But next time, please use the buzzer!"

A Jewish shop owner in a largely Christian town hears a knock on the door.

He opens, and sees representatives of the local church.

\- Excuse us, Mr. Shainski, - they say. - Our church is in a bad state now, so we decided to build a new one. Seeing as you are known as a very wealthy and generous person, could you spare anything?

Shainski thinks. On the one han...

The Soviet Union had excellent snipers...

They were outstanding Marxmen

Deaf people make excellent gynecologists.

They can read lips.

My mom was an excellent ventriloquist.

For years, I thought that our dog was telling me to kill my dad.

A man said to a preacher, that it was an excellent sermon but it was not original.

The preacher was taken aback.

The man said he had a book at home, containing every word the preacher said.

The next day, the man brought the preacher a dictionary.

If you are a really excellent fisherman and you do it all the time they call you a master fisherman…

But, what if you are only really good at baiting the hook?

I give excellent relationship advice..

Trust me, I've been in hundreds of relationships.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am an excellent ornotholgist.

I can spot great tits from miles away.

Had an excellent meal last night at this cosy little Christian restaurant near us called "The Lord Giveth"

They also do takeaways.

Why would trees be excellent postal workers?

They're always on root.

An Excellent Vintage.

A drunk walk into a drugstore and asks for a bottle of mouthwash.

"I’m not selling you that," says the druggist. "You’ll drink it for the alcohol and get sick outside my door!"

"Not true!" insists the drunk. "I have my first date in over a year, and I want to make a good impression."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me, “I’ve got great news. My wife is pregnant.”

Me: Excellent. Do you know the sex?

Him: Of course we know “the sex”. How else would she get pregnant?

My grief counselor suddenly died.

Fortunately he was excellent so I don't care.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Excellent joke from Roger Ailes

It seems a liberal in a hot-air balloon is lost and late for an appointment and descends to ask a conservative for directions. The conservative pulls out a GPS device and tells him exactly where he is.

“You must be a conservative,” the balloon man says. The man on the ground asks how he knows...

Most redittors would make excellent Presidents.

We already sleep, eat junk food, watch TV and post on social media 21 hours a day.

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot ...

Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover?

I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3.

Your mother has an excellent memory.

Because elephants never forget.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”

My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.

The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”

The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were three hellions in a class

They were so bad that teachers kept quitting. The principle got so frustrated she hire a retired female marine Sargent to teach the class and gave her authority to go whatever it took to control the three kids. The first day of the school year she walks into the class room and asks the three to step...

As a writer, my vocabulary is excellent, but my spelling is lacking...

... I thought as I gazed at the squiggly red line beneath the word solemly.

Wife told me she has an excellent platelet count

'coagulations'

I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.

What a Messi guy.

My visit to Poland

I met a Polish friend of mine and told him I want to explore what Poland has to offer.
I asked about the beer culture.
“We have lots of beers, ales, ciders, lagers, you name it!”
“Great, what would you recommend?”
“Anything Czech…”
So instead we went out for lunch.
“...

Keith Flint failed his English at School. It was a really tough break because his final essay was excellent

He just ran out of space

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbation is an excellent skill to have.

Done right, it sure comes in handy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

salesman was enjoying an excellent view

It seems there was this woman who hated wearing underwear. One day she decided to go shopping for a new pair of shoes, and since she was wearing a skirt, the salesman was enjoying an excellent view. After the third or fourth pair of shoes, the guy couldn’t stand it anymore. “Lady,” he said, “that’s ...

There's this new guy on my bowling team. His name is Frank, and he's a really nice guy and an excellent bowler, but there's just one thing about him.

At the end of every game, Frank says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late." The rest of us guys find it really annoying. He almost always shows up right on time, but still, he always says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late."

One day we decided that we wanted to find out why he alw...

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt, and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

“I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says.

The clerk nods and climbs up a la...

What do you call an excellent rectal biopsy?

A great piece of ass

At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun at a Catholic School was asking her 10 year old students what they wanted to be when they grew up.

"Susie, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Susie said "I want to be a doctor."

"Very nice," the nun said. "Jenny what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Jenny said "I want to be a teacher."

"Excellent answer," the nun replied. "Martha what are you going to be wh...

My new puppy is an excellent blacksmith...

...every time I yell he makes a bolt for the door!

The Pope calls a huge meeting of all the Cardinals, Bishops & and Arch-Bishops to Vatican City…

He says to them, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I got a call from Jesus, He has returned and is ready to save those worthy of being saved. “

Everybody is thinking, “This is EXCELLENT news! What could possibly be the bad news?!”

He then says, “The bad news is that...

A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.

"My Dear Wife,



You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

What do you call a well dressed lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythm?

A metro-gnome

Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark

Any darker and the police might actually do something about it

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