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The Drunk & the Bus Driver

This is a repost of one I've told for decades:

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus...

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A German Tourist jumps into a freezing Lake to save a little puppy

he climbs out and hands the owner the dog and says :"here is ze dog, keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine."

the owner asks :"are you a vet?"

"Vet?? I'm fucking soaking!"

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Have you heard about the old man's gambling problem?

An old man had a gambling problem not a bad one but a really good one. He was depositing thousands each day.

A few months pass and seeing as the old man had no job was contacted by the IRS to discuss his income.

The old man arrives with his lawyer to speak with the IRS agent. The agen...

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Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

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A woman is out walking her dog...

A woman is out walking her dog by the canal, close to the University. She decides to let it off the leash to stretch its paws. It's at this horrendous moment that it bolts straight into the canal and begins to drown.

Luckily, a German exchange student was having a stroll at the time, and dive...

A rich man threw a party and invited the entire neighborhood...

In his backyard, in front of his lavish pool, he said to all party-goers, "In my pool are 10 alligators and 10 sharks. If anyone dare swim across, I will bestow them with anything their heart desires."

Not too long after that, a man is seen swimming frantically across the pool and manages to...

Cold War Era Joke: The chairman of the Communist party decides to go check how his fellow comrades are doing. He walks into a dreadful cinema and sits down. Before the movie starts, there is 15 minutes of communist propaganda, with him giving a boring speech at the end. Everyone stands up and

Starts clapping and cheering enthusiastically.

The chairman is so humbled and stays seated, soaking in the love.

A few minutes into the cheering the guy on his left bends over and whispers directly in his ear.

"Comrade, I know how you feel, but if don't want to be sent to Siberi...

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A Frenchman wished to assess the buoyancy of the common household cat.

So he took three cats down to the canal and threw them in, and *un, deux, trois* cats sank.

Fortunately a kindly German saw this and jumped in (after punching the Frenchman on the nose) and rescued the cats. He looked them over and said "Huh. Bit ze vorse for vair, but I zink I can save zem"....

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A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

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Two men wait for an elevator... (NSFW)

So two men are standing in front of an elevator waiting for it to arrive. One man is a very skinny fellow standing at barely 5 foot 5 and maybe on a good day could manage to come to 90 pounds soaking wet. The other man is a colossus of a human being that looks like he runs out of weights to put on a...

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Two students are late for school,

so their teacher sends them to the principal's office.

The first boy enters and sits down. The principal asks him why he was late, to which the boy responds, "I was throwing sticks in the lake." The principal, new at the school, thinks to himself, "Boy, this school sure is strict - that's no...

A German lifesaver carries a dog that nearly drowned from the beach...

He plopped it down on the sand and did CPR, as the dog's owner watched nervously from aside.

The dog spat out water and stood up— the lifesaver saved it.

"Oh my goodness, thank you so much for saving my dog!" the owner said, "Are you a vet?"

"Vet? VET???" the German excalimed, "...

An old lady walks into an Apple store with a dripping wet MacBook in hand.

She finds an employee and tells him that her MacBook wouldn’t turn on after she cleaned it. The employee looks at the MacBook and sees that it’s soaking wet.

“Ma’am did you wash it with water?” He asks.

“Yes but I don’t think that’s what killed it.” Replied the old lady.

“Than w...

The saudi king was walking in the streets, dressed as a commoner to check up on his subjects

He found a destitute man, whose toes were coming out of his shoes.

The king was surprised by what he saw, and walked to the man and asked ''why are your toes coming out of your shoes?''

The man replied '' my feet have out grown my shoes, and i don't have any money to buy a new pair.''...

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A man and his beautiful blonde wife liked to sunbath in the nude. On a trip to the Caribbean, the man fell asleep in the hot mid-day sun...

... while his wife was out shopping. Hours later he woke up with a terribly painful sunburn on his privates. The hotel medical attendant recommended applying cold milk to his penis to prevent blistering.

His wife came home to find her husband sitting with his member soaking in a large saucer ...

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A dog was drowning in a pond...

A German man ran over and jumped into the pond to try and save it.

When he got out, the dog was unconscious, but it was safe for now.

A bystander, who had watched this happen, asked the man: “are you a vet?”

The man replied: “am I vet? I’m fucking soaking!”

I picked up an odd woman from the sidewalk.

As I was driving one rainy night, I saw a woman without an umbrella, dressed smartly, yet soaking wet. I asked if she wanted a ride and she nodded yes.

Now I had ulterior motives I had had a lot of alcohol at the Christmas party, and I was feeling myself getting drunk, and so I wanted someon...

The Flood

It rains heavily for several days and flood waters start to rise. People are being evacuated as the water covers the ground completely.

The village priest is forced onto the roof of his house to escape drowning. He is sitting calmly and patiently in his soaking wet clothes when a lifeboat com...

One rainy afternoon

One afternoon, as the rain slowly pours down on the roof, a young wife woke up from a relaxing nap, as she lays down and contemplates, she felts a sudden urge. The young wife moved towards her sleeping husband, leans against his body and gently whispered to his ear “It’s soaking wet, wake up and put...

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Computer idiots (Warning: Old)

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" k...

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A rich guy is having a fancy party

A rich guy is having a fancy party
So he calls the attention of all his guests and says, "Ladies and gents, behind you is a swimming pool with an alligator in it. Whoever is brave enough to swim across it and survive shall be rewarded fifty thousand dollars." While everyone is still staring at th...

Jesus and Moses return to earth for a vacation.

They are walking around a lake, and Moses says, "Well J-Naz, it has been a hot minute or two, but let's see if we can still perform miracles." Moses raises his arms, and the waters in the lake part, showing a dry pathway on the bottom of the lake.

Jesus says, "That's pretty gnarly Momo, I bet...

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A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.

The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?"

The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"

The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?"
The professor is surprised, but st...

Nice Car!

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes...

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A retail store manager calls one of his male employees into his office.

The employee walks in with soaking wet hands.

“I’m sorry sir, but we’re going to have to let you go,” says the manager.

“Seriously?! Why is that?,” the man replies

“Well you use the women’s restroom at least 15 times a day, and many employees and customers have complained abou...

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Good Father John

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister
Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun
had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness
if she could help it, do whatever he told...

This guy went to play poker with his buddies

After a while, it started pouring outside, thunderstorm and what not. The guy, who walked there, asked his friend - how will I get home now? His friend's wife tells him it's not a problem, he should just spend the night there and go straight to work the next day. The friend and his wife get ready to...

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The Vagrants

Five men were brought in front of a judge on charges of vagrancy, public indecency and solicitation. They insisted, however, that they were just looking for work.


"What do you do?", the judge asked the first man.


“I’m a cork soaker.”


The judge blinked. “Pardon?”
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