UPJOKE
fiddlermusicianorchestraviolistcomposervirtuosovocalistfiddlejazzpianistcellistflautistsoloistclarinetistconductor

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Have you ever noticed how cocky violinists are?

They take a bow before they even play anything.

What's the difference between a bipolar conductor and a violinist who has been told not to stand out?

One varies their bravado, the other buries their vibrato

How do a violinist and a cellist perform a 69?

The cellist fingers the G with some vibrato, and the violinist is doing a bouncing spiccato on the D.

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

Two Violinists

Two old violinists were talking to each other, and one said to the other, "If I die before you, I will find a way to tell you if there is an orchestra in Heaven". The other violinist says he would do the same. Sure enough, the first violinist dies. A few days pass, and the first violinist appears be...

The violinists in an orchestra don’t do much

They just fiddle around

What is the difference between a pizza and a violinist?

The pizza can actually feed a family of four.

How did the violinist learn to play violin?

He just started fiddling with it.

What do you call a boring violinist whose fascist regime lost WWII?

A dull fiddler

A violinist notices that he can't keep his violin in tune...

... so he asks the conductor of his orchestra to help. "Take it to Opporknockety," says the conductor. "He is a violin expert."

The violinist packs his things and makes the trek to the Swiss Alps where the expert lives. Sure enough, Opporknockety fixes the problem and the violin sounds great....

Why shouldn’t you anger a violinist?

Because they’ll get violint

Why are violinists braver than guitarists?

They never fret.

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They can't get up that high!

Why don't you hire a violinist as your babysitter?

Because he might fiddle with your kids.

Why did the music conductor get arrested?

For misconduct.

Bonus - why did the violinist get arrested?

For violence.

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Which instrument players are the sexiest?

Violinists. No matter what, their G strings are always sharp af.

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick ...

The Music Lover

A man named John falls in love with a famous violinist who came to town. He goes to all of her shows and tries to see if she has a lover. At each show, she arrives with one man and leaves with another. To his surprise, he never saw her with the same man twice.

Finally, during her final nigh...

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Bad orchestra director

An orchestra conductor walks in on his wife cheating on him with his principal violinist. She confesses, "I haven't loved you for a while now. It's your job - you're a lousy conductor."

In a crime of passion, he shoots them both dead.

At his murder trial, he's found guilty and sentence...

Miracle cure

A plumber, a violinist, an astronomer and a redneck*, all suffering from various infirmities, were sitting in a convalescent home when suddenly an angel appeared. The angel spoke to them:

"I have come to give you the gift of health! Mr. Plumber, what is your ailment?"
The plumber answered...

Classic IBM salesman joke

Three women were talking about their husbands and their love making, and the first one says, "My husband is an athlete and when he makes love to me, he is so powerful that I am swept up in his body, and it's wonderful"

The second woman says, "My husband is a violinist, and when we make love, ...

An Orchestra in Albuquerque in July

A travelling orchestra had planned on being in Albuquerque in January and Minneapolis in July. However, their manager got the dates wrong and the group ended up doing a three-day run in an outdoor theater in Albuquerque in the middle of the July heat. The event was exhausting and by the third night,...

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In a parallel universe the world is ruled by a fascist government.

Every year the Supreme Dictator is entertained on his birthday by way of a grand concert performed by the Great Orchestra.

On the 50th birthday of the Supreme Dictator the Great Orchestra's performance is being guided by a new and young music director by the name of Saba Saging.

The wh...

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A musician joke

So little Johnny runs up to his mother and yells "Mommy! Mommy! I could count higher than anyone in my class at school today! Everyone else could only get to 10, but I could count all the way to 12!"

And little Johnny's mother replied, "That's because you are a violinist".

The next day...

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