Bark Jokes - 75 Hilarious Bark Jokes

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.

If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

My wife thinks the dog can talk to her and that every bark is a word. My family asked what it was like and I said:

“It’s rough”

Why do dogs always bark when they hear a doorbell?

It’s almost never for them.

Bark bark, I'm a dog

Meow meow, I'm a cat

Quack quack, I'm a duck

First first, I'm a YouTube commenter

peppermint bark?

no it doesn’t.

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The navy chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him

“Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”

“John,” the new seaman replied.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads t...

What does an Icelandic dogs bark sound like?

Björk

A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.

Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?

Dog: *Bark*

Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?

Dog: *Ruff*

Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?

Dog: *With the ladder*

Neighbour’s Barking Dog

Two neighbors (the Smiths & the Jones) haven't been getting along. You see, Mr. Smith leaves his dog outside all day and the dog never stops barking.

Finally, after not being able to hear himself think, Mr. Jones tells his wife: "I'VE HAD IT!" and he stomps outside.

Upon returning...

I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog

After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasn't good for dogs.

What is the epitome of all bark, no bite?

a tree

Barking mouse

The cat closes in upon them as the terrified baby mice back into the corner with no where to run. Suddenly, out in a distance behind the cat, mama mouse began barking "woof, woof!". Caught off guard the cat immediately turned tail and ran. Seeing that the coast is clear, mama mouse came up to her ba...

How many times a day does a dog bark?

About 100, but that’s just a ruff estimate.

What do you call a barking dog in a submarine?

A sub-woofer!

Our new puppy is still learning how to bark..

All he can come up with now are ruff drafts !

A wise chinese guy once said: If a dog barks-

It's undercooked.

A little boy was diligently reading his book when he suddenly asked, "Mum, how do rabbits bark?"

His mother looks up in surprise. "Rabbits don't bark, dear", she says.

"That's odd", says the boy, "Here it is written that rabbits eat carrots and bark."

Q: If your dog was barking on the front door and your wife knocking on the back door, who should you let in first?

A: The dog, because at least it would shut up once it got in.

My dog keeps barking at brown people,

I wish my wife would stop ordering stuff via UPS.

Dealing with a Barking Dog

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.

It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this."

She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to b...

My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally an...

A wise Chinese monk once said, "If the dog barks...

it's not cooked well enough."

Took my dog to the vet because he won’t stop barking

Turns out he’s got irritable bow-wow syndrome

How do dogs always know who is barking?

They have collar ID

What syndrome has people barking out potty humor?

Toilette’s syndrome

My dog was just barking in my ear...

Now I have Rin Tin Tinnitus.

My Alaskan sled dog was barking but no sound came out...

It turns out he was on Mala-mute

What kind of dog does not bark?

A hush puppy!!

What does a swedish dog bark like?

Bjork

Our dog suddenly ran to the front door and barked. "Who is that?", my son asked.

"It was the dog", I responded.

What has eight legs and barks?

Two dogs.

How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?

Move him to the front yard.

How do you make a cat bark?

Pour some gasoline on it, light it.
Woof!

I was on a road trip with my wife, who insisted on staring at large map, and barking out directions...

...So I took it off her, and scrunched it up into a little ball.

She was not impressed to say the least, and whined "how are we going to find our way now" as she un-crumpled the paper, "we're lost now".

I said "well you're not going to get anywhere with that latitude".

What has 5 legs and barks?

A pitbull in a playground.

What do you call a cat that barks??

Fake mews.

What kind of tree would have the best bark?

Dogwood.

Don't you dare judge me, it was on my popsicle stick. :P

How do you stop a dog barking in July?

Shoot him in June.

From the old Adam West Batman, as told by Cesar Romero. Still the #1 Joker, apologies to Heath Ledger.

Male cheetahs have a specific bark that causes female cheetahs to ovulate 'on-demand.'

Because you still can't trust them. They're cheetahs.

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding t...

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It’s WWII and there’s a little anti-aircraft unit based on the east coast of England. The sergeant has a stutter.

One dark night they’re playing cards under the glow of their gas lamp, and suddenly they hear the distant sound of aircraft engines. The sergeant barks, “Ggggggggg-ggggg-gggggg-gggg-ggggg-get to the gggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggggg-gggg-ggggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggg-gun.”

All the men throw down their cards a...

"You never talk to me anymore, you treat me like I'm a dog barking"

"Oh, **you** were talking? I thought a dog was barking."

After months of scrimping and bargain-hunting, a woman begged her husband for more money. “Can’t you just give me an extra ten dollars so I can buy a roast?”

Her husband pulled a ten-dollar bill from his wallet and held it up to a mirror. “See the money in the mirror? That’s yours.”

He put it back in his wallet and said, “THIS is mine.”

The next evening when he got home, the dinner table was filled with steak, ham, a huge roast chicken, th...

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I can always hear my roomate bark while having sex

He likes it ruff

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver replies, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, the driver's wife says, "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise...

Why does a dog on a U-boat have a deep bark?

Because he's a sub woofer.

A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"

"Eye Eye, Captain!"

My neighbors dog barks unbelievably loud...

... so I asked him to train his dog to bark at a more believable level.

Dogs that don't bark are the most dangerous of all

They're woofless

Why do dogs start barking instead of trying to solve the problem?

Because solving problems are ruff.

How long does a dog's bark last?

**Ruff**ly a second.

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A dog wants to send a telegram…

A dog wants to send a telegram to his brother. He walks into the telegram office and waits in line. When it’s his turn, he relays his message to the attendant.

“Bark bark bark, bark. Bark bark bark, bark bark.”

Somewhat amused, the attendant says, “You know, we’ve got a special right ...

What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and an angry spouse yelling on the back porch?

The dog quits barking once it’s back inside the house

My dog has to wear this cone till he heals from surgery. It helps with the biting, but the barking?

He sounds like a sub-whoofer.

The bar manager said I could pay with bits of dry wood, bark, paper, even steel wool.

I asked him why and he told that it's legal tinder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I asked the vet "what can I do here I think my dog is racist, he keeps barking at the Asian man next door?"...

The vet said "Muzzle him?"

I said "I don't know, but he does have a beard"

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So the next door neighbours dog would not stop barking.

So one day this guy has a big win on a horse race and goes for a few drinks to celebrate, after a few too many pints decides he has had enough of this dog barking across the wall from next door every night. So he marches up to his neighbours door and offers to buy the dog for a big wad of notes. The...

Our family recently began leaving our door unlocked for guests so the dog wouldn't bark as much.

It might seem strange, but don't knock it 'til you try it.

My dog was barking at the neighbour's dog so I gave her a big stick...

Now she barks softly.

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Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things:

First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for ...

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A Koala is sitting in a bar...

A Koala is sitting in a bar enjoying his drink when a beautiful woman approaches him. She starts flirting and they chat for a few minutes before the woman looks at the Koala and says

"hey, you wanna get outta here?"

"Sure!" the Koala replied as he jumped off the stool and took her ha...

My dog swallowed my engagement ring last night, but luckily coughed it out when he barked.

There was a diamond in the ruff.

What do you call a submissive who likes to bark like a dog?

A subwoofer.

A kid asks, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

The mom replies, "Listen, the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark."

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I couldn't sleep last night due to all the barking and howling in the back yard…

And then, after I'd let the wife back in, the fucking dog starts…

Two dogs are together…

And one says to the other do you want to hear a joke?

The second dog replies “sure dawg”

So the first dog says “knock knock”

And the second dog bolts it to the door barking loudly

Soon after the first dog goes and joins him

Bark bark bark

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

Why doesn’t Charles Barkley like paper?

Because it’s tearable.

Do you know how to identify a Dogwood tree?

The BARK!

A man gets shipwrecked on a desert island with only a dog and a pig…

…after many weeks without the touch of a woman - the pig begins to look very attractive. One night, the deprived man begins to chance his luck with the pig. Over dinner, he tweaks its tail, plays footsie with its trotters, and cuddles in close. The dog, witnessing all this, becomes very jealous, and...

Ya‘ll know why I‘m not scared of trees?

They‘re all bark, no bite.

One day the youngest son asks his mother, "Mom, why do I look so different from all my siblings?"....

The mother says "Son, from what I remember about that party, you are lucky that you don't bark".

Noisy Dog.

A husband and wife are having a hard time sleeping, given the fact their neighbor's dog is barking in the backyard all night long. Eventually, the wife tells her husband to go next door and get the dog to stop. The husband obeys and comes back a few minutes later.

"Okay, honey, that should so...

My dog was having trouble barking so I took him to the vet and they said they don't see it very often but he had swallowed a wedding ring...

...they called it a diamond in the ruff.

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