UPJOKE
corktreeskinyelpmulchtrunkbirchrootcoverutteryapcanellatanninshrubtwigs

Neighbour’s Barking Dog

Two neighbors (the Smiths & the Jones) haven't been getting along. You see, Mr. Smith leaves his dog outside all day and the dog never stops barking.

Finally, after not being able to hear himself think, Mr. Jones tells his wife: "I'VE HAD IT!" and he stomps outside.

Upon returning...

What do you call someone who pays a dominatrix to make them bark?

A Subwoofer!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?" "John," the new seaman replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the Master Chief scowled.

"It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only...

What is the epitome of all bark, no bite?

a tree

A little boy was diligently reading his book when he suddenly asked, "Mum, how do rabbits bark?"

His mother looks up in surprise. "Rabbits don't bark, dear", she says.

"That's odd", says the boy, "Here it is written that rabbits eat carrots and bark."

On the first day, God created the dog...

God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”


The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?"


So God agreed.
<...

I was on a road trip with my wife, who insisted on staring at large map, and barking out directions...

...So I took it off her, and scrunched it up into a little ball.

She was not impressed to say the least, and whined "how are we going to find our way now" as she un-crumpled the paper, "we're lost now".

I said "well you're not going to get anywhere with that latitude".

Our dog suddenly ran to the front door and barked. "Who is that?", my son asked.

"It was the dog", I responded.

Took my dog to the vet because he won’t stop barking

Turns out he’s got irritable bow-wow syndrome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I need to Re-Home a small Dog.

It's a very small Terrier that tends to bark a lot. If you are interested.

Let me know and I will jump over my neighbours garden fence and get the fucker for you...........

What do you call a barking dog in a submarine?

A sub-woofer!

A wise chinese guy once said: If a dog barks-

It's undercooked.

A Blonde and her girlfriend are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours. The Blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs then comes back up to bed and her girlfriend says.

"The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"The Blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how the neighbors like all the barking!"

Q: If your dog was barking on the front door and your wife knocking on the back door, who should you let in first?

A: The dog, because at least it would shut up once it got in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I asked the vet "what can I do here I think my dog is racist, he keeps barking at the Asian man next door?"...

The vet said "Muzzle him?"

I said "I don't know, but he does have a beard"

Our new puppy is still learning how to bark..

All he can come up with now are ruff drafts !

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "We have a challenge where if you complete these 3 steps you win 100 million dollars".

The guy says "oh cool, I'll enter, what are the steps?"

So the bartender describes what the guy must do. "The first step is to down a fifth in under 10 seconds".

*Not that bad* the guy thinks.

"Second," the bartender says, "you have to go into that room in the back. In the room...

What did the dog say when it ran into a tree

Bark

My Alaskan sled dog was barking but no sound came out...

It turns out he was on Mala-mute

True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies,

“Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”

Been laughing at that one all day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew went to the Rabbi to ask for advice.

"Oh Rabbi, my Sarah and I and our children are all living together in our small little house. It is so cramped and I can't afford a new one! What shall I do Rabbi?" Rabbi considered it and said. "Go and hire a live-in servant." "What?" "Do as I say." And so the Jew hired a live-in servant. After...

Why do dogs always bark when they hear a doorbell?

It’s almost never for them.

My dog keeps barking at brown people,

I wish my wife would stop ordering stuff via UPS.

Not so fast…

The captain of a navy vessel is on the bridge one day when the bosun enters and asks to use the PA system. The captain agrees and the bosun gets on the PA and barks out “Attention seaman first class Johnson! Your mother is dead!! That is all!”

The Captain is mortified and grabs hold of the bo...

How many times a day does a dog bark?

About 100, but that’s just a ruff estimate.

I told my dog to make like a tree.

She barked.

A husband visited marriage counselled

and said: "When we were first married, | would
come home from the office, my wife would bring
my slippers and our cute little dog would run
around barking.

Now after ten years it's different. | come home,
the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs
around barking."

Sai...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beach Bum Theologian

A scraggly old man use to wander up and down this beach I lived at in Northern California. He'd always grin wide-eyed to whomever he passed proclaiming: "Get ready brother! God is coming!" or "Good morning sister, hope your soul knows God is nigh upon us!" To a potpourri of mixed receptions. Mostly ...

I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog

After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasn't good for dogs.

My dog was just barking in my ear...

Now I have Rin Tin Tinnitus.

My dog has to wear this cone till he heals from surgery. It helps with the biting, but the barking?

He sounds like a sub-whoofer.

what do you call a giant white dog

the great white bark (please laugh it took me so long to come up with this)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Island life

A man got a nice new high performance boat for seafaring. On his maiden voyage, he decided to take his two most trusty companions, his dog and his goat.

While at sea, a massive storm hits, and man, dog, and goat end up stranded on a desert island. The man finds wood and builds shelter, fishes...

What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and an angry spouse yelling on the back porch?

The dog quits barking once it’s back inside the house

A tourist on the London Underground asked me how to get to Heathrow via Barking.

So I pointed at a map and woofed...

A WWII joke for you guys...

Olaf Scholz, the German chancellor, visits France and is not recognized by the customs guard at the French border.

‘Name?’, the guard barks out.

‘Olaf Scholz’, he says.

‘Occupation?’

‘Oh no,’ he says, ‘just for a few days.’

Barking mouse

The cat closes in upon them as the terrified baby mice back into the corner with no where to run. Suddenly, out in a distance behind the cat, mama mouse began barking "woof, woof!". Caught off guard the cat immediately turned tail and ran. Seeing that the coast is clear, mama mouse came up to her ba...

How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?

Move him to the front yard.

A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"

"Eye Eye, Captain!"

A man walks into a bar with his dog

The bartender stops him at the door and says, "Sorry sir, no pets allowed in here."

The man says, "But this dog is almost human! He talks!"

The bartender says, "YEAH RIGHT, if your dog can talk I'll let you in AND cover your tab."

The owner says "OK, ask him anything!"

T...

What syndrome has people barking out potty humor?

Toilette’s syndrome

A dog goes and licks a tree.

The dog exclaims ruff...bark

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A challenge you can't win...

A man walks into a bar, and spots a jar full of 20 dollar bills. He asks the bartender what its for. He says "We have a little contest going on. If you put down 20 dollars, you have to walk up to the big guy at the end of the bar and slug him in the face". The man says "Hmm, not bad, I think I could...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke: Creation

*Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.*

*"It's a very hand...

Bark bark, I'm a dog

Meow meow, I'm a cat

Quack quack, I'm a duck

First first, I'm a YouTube commenter

What do you call a bark-spiced wheat loaf?

Synonym bread.

A man is walking his disabled dog that has a wheelchair for her front legs. It starts barking at a passerby that looks scared of the dog. The man assures the passerby that it's okay...

She's armless.

How do dogs always know who is barking?

They have collar ID

Male cheetahs have a specific bark that causes female cheetahs to ovulate 'on-demand.'

Because you still can't trust them. They're cheetahs.

My neighbor complained my dog's barking is disturbing him.

I told him that I am also bothered by his bedroom bed squeaking when he's not at home.

An American dog, Polish dog and a Russian dog were discussing things so the American dog tells them that if you bark long enough, people will give you meat. The Polish dog asks "what's meat?"

The Russian dog asked "what's bark...??!!"

Jewish Dog

What do you call a coming of age party for a Jewish person’s dog?

A bark mitzvah.

Thanks to Lewis Black

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.


A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, ...

"You never talk to me anymore, you treat me like I'm a dog barking"

"Oh, **you** were talking? I thought a dog was barking."

What kind of dog never barks?

A Malamute.

P.S. I know I'm going to hell for this joke.

A wise Chinese monk once said, "If the dog barks...

it's not cooked well enough."

What does a swedish dog bark like?

Bjork

What kind of dog does not bark?

A hush puppy!!

What do you call a cat that barks??

Fake mews.

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

What has eight legs and barks?

Two dogs.

What does a German Sheppard’s bark sound like?

“Voof”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Jar in the bar

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, here's the deal. You pay 10 dollars, and if you pass th...

My dog was having trouble barking so I took him to the vet and they said they don't see it very often but he had swallowed a wedding ring...

...they called it a diamond in the ruff.

"Kneel before me!" demands a portly king. All present kneel, except for one peasant who remains standing casually. Outraged, the king points his scepter at this peasant and barks, "You there, why do you not kneel!?" The peasant responds,

"Considering how long it'd take you even just to get out of that chair, there's clearly no need to rush."

Why does a dog on a U-boat have a deep bark?

Because he's a sub woofer.

What is a dog’s favorite part of a tree?

Bark

My kids said this was the worst joke ever… but I liked it!!

The bar manager said I could pay with bits of dry wood, bark, paper, even steel wool.

I asked him why and he told that it's legal tinder.

Trees are like dogs

Some shed and some don't. Others just bark

Our family recently began leaving our door unlocked for guests so the dog wouldn't bark as much.

It might seem strange, but don't knock it 'til you try it.

How do you stop a dog barking in July?

Shoot him in June.


From the old Adam West Batman, as told by Cesar Romero. Still the #1 Joker, apologies to Heath Ledger.

Why do dogs start barking instead of trying to solve the problem?

Because solving problems are ruff.

How to teach a cat how to bark?

Pour some gasoline on it and WOOF!

What kind of tree would have the best bark?

Dogwood.

Don't you dare judge me, it was on my popsicle stick. :P

What has 5 legs and barks?

A pitbull in a playground.

Our Christmas pageant moved online at the last minute due to COVID

So my wife is now barking orders: “I need a bathrobe for my Joseph!”

“No problem!” I replied, digging one out of the closet.

“I need a doll for my Jesus!”

“I’ll get one from the kids’ room!” I call over my shoulder, already on my way.

“I need a rustic backdrop for my in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can always hear my roomate bark while having sex

He likes it ruff

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doggy

A man walks into a bar looking to unwind after a stressful week. He orders his favorite drink and takes a look around. On one of the shelves behind the bartender is a huge glass jar full of hundreds of hundred dollar bills. Noticing the large amount of money, the man is intrigued.

"What's up...

What sound does a dog that's really into art make?

He doesn't bark. He bauhaus.

My dog was barking at the neighbour's dog so I gave her a big stick...

Now she barks softly.

Dogs that don't bark are the most dangerous of all

They're woofless

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

How do you make a cat bark?

Wrap it around a tree

My dog swallowed my engagement ring last night, but luckily coughed it out when he barked.

There was a diamond in the ruff.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walking down the line, a sergeant stopped in front of each soldier, whacked him on the chest, and barked, “Did that hurt, soldier?”

“No, sir!” each replied.
“Why not?” yelled the sergeant.
“Because I’m a United States Marine, sir!” came the reply.

Continuing on, the sergeant saw a huge penis sticking out of the line and proceeded to whack it with his baton. “Did that hurt, soldier?” he boomed.
“No, sir,” answered...

I taught my pet dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground today

He went from Barking to Tooting in about 15 minutes

3 men in a warehouse

3 men are hiding from a gang in sacks in an empty warehouse. A gang member kicks the first sack. The man barks like a dog. The gang member moves on thinking he kicked a dog. The second man gets kicked and meows. The gang member moves on thinking it was a cat. When he gets to the last sack, the man s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I couldn't sleep last night due to all the barking and howling in the back yard…

And then, after I'd let the wife back in, the fucking dog starts…

I told my dog to bark.

He said, "howwwl loud."

True Story: I found a note on my doorstep today.

Opening it, I was excited to see a riddle!

It read:
"What dog has legs
But cannot run.
A tail,
It cannot wag,
A mouth,
But cannot bark,
A nose,
But cannot smell?"

I love ...

Think Positive for 2018. Jonathan Ross was out walking when he was knocked to the ground by a giant dog which stood over him barking. He thought..

..it's good to have a woof over your head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

My neighbors dog barks unbelievably loud...

... so I asked him to train his dog to bark at a more believable level.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my step dad got home he found me outside refusing to go in because there was a big scary dog in our house.

"There's no way a dog has got into our house", he complained, and told me to go inside. I refused.

"Look", he yelled. "Get in that house now or you're grounded. I can't hear anything, the doors and windows are all open, there's no fucking dog in there."

I still refused and so my step...

Here's an old one.

I cant remember where I got this one from but here it is.

This man wants to reconnect with nature and disconnect from society for awhile. So he drives to his uncle's cabin in the woods. The uncle has no electricity, no phone or internet. The man thinks it's the perfect get away.
The firs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the next door neighbours dog would not stop barking.

So one day this guy has a big win on a horse race and goes for a few drinks to celebrate, after a few too many pints decides he has had enough of this dog barking across the wall from next door every night. So he marches up to his neighbours door and offers to buy the dog for a big wad of notes. The...

The dead dog

A guy brought his dog into the vet. He didn't want to admit and accept the fact his dog died. The vet told the owner the dog is dead. The guy demanded a 2nd opinion. The vet gets a cat. The cat sniffs the dead dog and said "meow". The vet said the cat agrees the dog is dead. The owner demands a 3rd ...

How long does a dog's bark last?

**Ruff**ly a second.

Cat Attack

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "Bark!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.