Q: If your dog was barking on the front door and your wife knocking on the back door, who should you let in first?

A: The dog, because at least it would shut up once it got in.

Our dog suddenly ran to the front door and barked. "Who is that?", my son asked.

"It was the dog", I responded.

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So I asked the vet "what can I do here I think my dog is racist, he keeps barking at the Asian man next door?"...

The vet said "Muzzle him?"

I said "I don't know, but he does have a beard"

Took my dog to the vet because he won’t stop barking

Turns out he’s got irritable bow-wow syndrome

What do you call a barking dog in a submarine?

A sub-woofer!

A wise chinese guy once said: If a dog barks-

It's undercooked.

A Blonde and her girlfriend are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours. The Blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs then comes back up to bed and her girlfriend says.

"The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"The Blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how the neighbors like all the barking!"

Our new puppy is still learning how to bark..

All he can come up with now are ruff drafts !

On the first day...

...God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And Go...

My Alaskan sled dog was barking but no sound came out...

It turns out he was on Mala-mute

My dog keeps barking at brown people,

I wish my wife would stop ordering stuff via UPS.

True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies,

“Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”

Been laughing at that one all day.

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Joke: Creation

*Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.*

*"It's a very hand...

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

Trees are like dogs

Some shed and some don't. Others just bark

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A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.


A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, ...

Why do dogs always bark when they hear a doorbell?

It’s almost never for them.

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The Jar in the bar

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, here's the deal. You pay 10 dollars, and if you pass th...

I taught my pet dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground today

He went from Barking to Tooting in about 15 minutes

My dog was just barking in my ear...

Now I have Rin Tin Tinnitus.

My dog has to wear this cone till he heals from surgery. It helps with the biting, but the barking?

He sounds like a sub-whoofer.

What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and an angry spouse yelling on the back porch?

The dog quits barking once it’s back inside the house

Barking mouse

The cat closes in upon them as the terrified baby mice back into the corner with no where to run. Suddenly, out in a distance behind the cat, mama mouse began barking "woof, woof!". Caught off guard the cat immediately turned tail and ran. Seeing that the coast is clear, mama mouse came up to her ba...

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My girlfriend and I purchased a Great Dane, and now the smell around our house is absolutely revolting.

Every time he barks I shit myself.

A tourist on the London Underground asked me how to get to Heathrow via Barking.

So I pointed at a map and woofed...

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When my step dad got home he found me outside refusing to go in because there was a big scary dog in our house.

"There's no way a dog has got into our house", he complained, and told me to go inside. I refused.

"Look", he yelled. "Get in that house now or you're grounded. I can't hear anything, the doors and windows are all open, there's no fucking dog in there."

I still refused and so my step...

Here's an old one.

I cant remember where I got this one from but here it is.

This man wants to reconnect with nature and disconnect from society for awhile. So he drives to his uncle's cabin in the woods. The uncle has no electricity, no phone or internet. The man thinks it's the perfect get away.
The firs...

True Story: I found a note on my doorstep today.

Opening it, I was excited to see a riddle!

It read:
"What dog has legs
But cannot run.
A tail,
It cannot wag,
A mouth,
But cannot bark,
A nose,
But cannot smell?"

I love ...

How many times a day does a dog bark?

About 100, but that’s just a ruff estimate.

A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"

"Eye Eye, Captain!"

How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?

Move him to the front yard.

Cat Attack

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "Bark!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog

After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasn't good for dogs.

I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot.

If you're interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.

A man gets home for work and runs to the couch

Yells to his wife "HONEY QUICK GET ME A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS"
Frantically she runs to the kitchen grabs a beer runs it over to him. He chugs it.
"QUICK BRING ANOTHER ONE!"
Confused she runs and gets another one brings it to him.
He chugs it.
"ONE MORE TIME BEFORE IT STARTS!"
Sh...

A married couple were walking through a garden

when suddenly a dog ran towards them.

They both knew it will bite them..

The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart.

The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away.

The husband put his wife down, expecting ...

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The navy chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him

“Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”

“John,” the new seaman replied.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads t...

The dead dog

A guy brought his dog into the vet. He didn't want to admit and accept the fact his dog died. The vet told the owner the dog is dead. The guy demanded a 2nd opinion. The vet gets a cat. The cat sniffs the dead dog and said "meow". The vet said the cat agrees the dog is dead. The owner demands a 3rd ...

What syndrome has people barking out potty humor?

Toilette’s syndrome

A man walks into a talent agency with his dog claiming it can talk. The agent says, “ok, let’s see if this dog is gonna make us rich”. The guy says, “ Fido, what’s the top of a house called”? Roof! “What’s on a tree”? Bark! “How does sandpaper feel”? Ruff!

The talent agent tells the man off and kicks him out of his office. As the man and the dog are walking down the street the dog looks up at the man and says, “Gee Bob, maybe you should have asked some harder questions “.

Barking dogs

My wife complains the neighbor’s dog barks at her.
I told her it’s because he can’t make the sign of the cross.

How do dogs always know who is barking?

They have collar ID

What kind of dog never barks?

A Malamute.

P.S. I know I'm going to hell for this joke.

Bark bark, I'm a dog

Meow meow, I'm a cat

Quack quack, I'm a duck

First first, I'm a YouTube commenter

What do you call a bark-spiced wheat loaf?

Synonym bread.

A man is walking his disabled dog that has a wheelchair for her front legs. It starts barking at a passerby that looks scared of the dog. The man assures the passerby that it's okay...

She's armless.

What do you call a cat that barks??

Fake mews.

What has eight legs and barks?

Two dogs.

A wise Chinese monk once said, "If the dog barks...

it's not cooked well enough."

Male cheetahs have a specific bark that causes female cheetahs to ovulate 'on-demand.'

Because you still can't trust them. They're cheetahs.

A man walks into a bar with a talking dog

He tells the bartender “my dog can talk!”

The bartender says “Oh yeah? Let’s hear him!”

He asks the dog “what is on top of a house?”

The dog says “roof!”

The bartender is not buying it, so the guy says “what is the outer covering of a tree called?”

The dog says “ba...

My dog was having trouble barking so I took him to the vet and they said they don't see it very often but he had swallowed a wedding ring...

...they called it a diamond in the ruff.

"Kneel before me!" demands a portly king. All present kneel, except for one peasant who remains standing casually. Outraged, the king points his scepter at this peasant and barks, "You there, why do you not kneel!?" The peasant responds,

"Considering how long it'd take you even just to get out of that chair, there's clearly no need to rush."

"You never talk to me anymore, you treat me like I'm a dog barking"

"Oh, **you** were talking? I thought a dog was barking."

An American dog, Polish dog and a Russian dog were discussing things so the American dog tells them that if you bark long enough, people will give you meat. The Polish dog asks "what's meat?"

The Russian dog asked "what's bark...??!!"

What does a swedish dog bark like?

Bjork

What kind of dog does not bark?

A hush puppy!!

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A Man And A Dog Go Into A Bar

The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The man says, "But he's a special dog!"

The bartender rolls his eyes. "Don't tell me. He talks and says 'bark' and 'roof'."

"No!," says the man. "I give him money, tell him what I want, and he goes to the store for me. When...

What has 5 legs and barks?

A pitbull in a playground.

Sandbox games

The newlyweds and young parents in town discover that the fine sand in the nearby nature resort makes for excellent sandbox sand. So people go in to get a big cart of sand and make some cheap garden sandboxes for their children. The park rangers forbid this and nobody can steal sand anymore. This gu...

A steam train engineer had a new apprentice... [long]

The older man showed the young lad the coal car, the boiler, and so on.

"What should I call you, lad?" the engineer barked.

"Charles, sir," replied the apprentice timidly.

"I have been working steam trains for thirty years," the older man roared, "and I have \_never\_ addressed ...

What does a German Sheppard’s bark sound like?

“Voof”

How do you stop a dog barking in July?

Shoot him in June.


From the old Adam West Batman, as told by Cesar Romero. Still the #1 Joker, apologies to Heath Ledger.

Why do dogs start barking instead of trying to solve the problem?

Because solving problems are ruff.

Did you hear the story about the Man Eating Tree?

Well, long story short it was all bark and no bite.

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A giant burly tough-as-nails biker dude barges into a bar...

A giant burly tough-as-nails biker dude barges into a bar and strolls up to the bar that already has wall to wall customers. He shoves everyone to one side and demands the bartender's attention. Everyone is immediately cowed into silence by the look of him.

"Gimme a shot of whiskey!" He barks...

The bar manager said I could pay with bits of dry wood, bark, paper, even steel wool.

I asked him why and he told that it's legal tinder.

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

Why does a dog on a U-boat have a deep bark?

Because he's a sub woofer.

What do you call a tree that's afraid to fight?

All bark no bite

My dog was barking at the neighbour's dog so I gave her a big stick...

Now she barks softly.

Wayne was returning home from a business trip,

bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage.
Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. "Get in," the driver ordered. "I'll take you to your car."

Startled, Wayne took a step backward....

A dog walks into a telegraph office

It is a quiet Friday noon in New York and a young telegrapher is minding his business when the bell on the door suddenly chimes and a dog walks in.

The telegrapher looks perplexed as the dog hands him a piece of paper and says in perfect English: “Hello sir. I would like to send that to my f...

Ok, this isn't a great joke, but...

So a boy has been getting dropped off at his grandpa's house after school because of his parents' work schedule. The grandpa makes the boy dinner everyday and at one point the boy notices some crust on the plate.

He asks his grandpa "Why is there crust on my plate?" To which grandpa replies "...

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A man walks into a bar, and sees a huge jar sitting on the counter.

The jar is stuffed with $10 bills. There has to be at least twenty grand in there. Curious, he approaches the bartender.

He asks, "What's the deal with the jar?"

The bartender replies, "You put ten bucks in, and if you complete three challenges, you win the entire jar."

"What ar...

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I can always hear my roomate bark while having sex

He likes it ruff

Military unit is in the field and a scout is sent forward to check out the condition of a nearby bridge

He returns and reports: "Bridge is passable for vehicles but not for people on foot." Officer gives him a surprised look: "What do you mean, passable for vehicle but not for people on foot? Don't you mean the other way around?" "No, no, sir. At the bridge there is a large dog that is loudly barking....

How to teach a cat how to bark?

Pour some gasoline on it and WOOF!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, “Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear - you know that this car doesn't have cruise...

What kind of tree would have the best bark?

Dogwood.

Don't you dare judge me, it was on my popsicle stick. :P

Dogs that don't bark are the most dangerous of all

They're woofless

My dog swallowed my engagement ring last night, but luckily coughed it out when he barked.

There was a diamond in the ruff.

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Walking down the line, a sergeant stopped in front of each soldier, whacked him on the chest, and barked, “Did that hurt, soldier?”

“No, sir!” each replied.
“Why not?” yelled the sergeant.
“Because I’m a United States Marine, sir!” came the reply.

Continuing on, the sergeant saw a huge penis sticking out of the line and proceeded to whack it with his baton. “Did that hurt, soldier?” he boomed.
“No, sir,” answered...

My neighbors dog barks unbelievably loud...

... so I asked him to train his dog to bark at a more believable level.

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I couldn't sleep last night due to all the barking and howling in the back yard…

And then, after I'd let the wife back in, the fucking dog starts…

How do you make a cat bark?

Wrap it around a tree

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A man walks into a bar

and seats himself at the bar and spots a big jug full of money behind the bar on the shelf with a note on it " Ask the bartender"

So the guy ask the bartender " What's with the jug full of money?"

Bartender says" well it's a series of challenges. First you have to do 10 shots of this...

Think Positive for 2018. Jonathan Ross was out walking when he was knocked to the ground by a giant dog which stood over him barking. He thought..

..it's good to have a woof over your head.

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Big Game Hunter goes to Siberia to hunt Russian Bear

When he arrives on the train station (probably the only one in Siberia) he is greeted by the village hunter/gatherer/provider who has a very mangy, tiny, old dog leashed with a massive iron chain.
\-"Right, I'll help you." says the native "Here's what we're going to need: A great big blow horn,...

A father was walking with his curious daughter.

She pointed to the sky and asked "Daddy, why is the sky blue?

He replied "Hmmmm. I don't really know."

A few minutes later, they passed a tree. She asked "Daddy, how do trees grow?"

He replied "Errrr... good question. I don't know."

Seeing a dog, she asked "Why do dogs ba...

Why doesn’t Charles Barkley like paper?

Because it’s tearable.

Same service...

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring me water and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it\`s all different. I come home, the dog brings the water and my wife runs around barki...

What do you do to an Islamic dog that barks too much?

Musl'im

My dog has picked out her favorite chair in our living room.

It's a bark-a-lounger.

If Captain Price was a dog what would he say?

"Bravo 6 going bark"

If a tree falls in the forest

but there's not a woman around to hear it, is the event even relevant? Of course not! Nevertheless, a Chihuahua 500 miles away will start barking.

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So the next door neighbours dog would not stop barking.

So one day this guy has a big win on a horse race and goes for a few drinks to celebrate, after a few too many pints decides he has had enough of this dog barking across the wall from next door every night. So he marches up to his neighbours door and offers to buy the dog for a big wad of notes. The...

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