Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about herbs and fish was inappropriate.

I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things...

Why do fish stay in the sea?

Because they know they're Plaice.

Last night, in bed, my wife asked me to put fresh fish and herbs on her.

I said, "There's a thyme and a plaice for that sort of thing."

I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish...

I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice...

A man walks into a fish and chip shop...

"Nice plaice"

I was unlucky to be sacked as a chef for using the incorrect fish and herbs

Wrong plaice, wrong thyme

I remember once I was forced to choose between Dwayne Johnson and a lifetime supply of frozen fish.

I was stuck between a Rock and a hard plaice.

The fish and chip shop near me has gone into liquidation

Now the owner is stuck between a rock and a hard plaice

I was hosting a funeral for my goldfish, and my friend thought it was okay to ask "What herbs should I season which fish with?"

I told him "Come on dude, there's a thyme and plaice."

Why was the fisherman upset with his new property?

After selling his sole for a small plaice perched by the sea (something to the tuna 500 square feet), he found something fishy within contract and realised he cod do better if he weren't such a cheap-skate.

A fisherman catches his first fish.

Guilt-ridden at the thought of killing an animal, he asks his friend if he should throw it back into the water. His friend shrugs and replies: "I don't know, it's not my plaice to say".

A young woman starts choking on her seafood at a restaurant.

The man behind her says "Stand back! I'm a doctor!" and proceeds to use the Heimlich manoeuvre on her.

A whole small fish shoots out of her mouth and the woman finally gasps in a few breaths.

The doctor picks up the fish and says "What's a plaice like you doing in a girl like this?"

It's mayhem in the kitchen, and two chefs are at each other's throats over a botched order....

"I told you the manager wanted cod seasoned with parsley!" yelled the first chef, brandisihing a butcher's knife.

"Well I told you that he wanted mackerel seasoned with paprika!" yelled the other, grabbing a pan of hot oil.

At that point the manager walked in holding a plate, just as b...

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