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Kilt Jokes

Why is it called a kilt?

Because that's what they did to the last guy that made fun of them.

Jack wants to take Emily to the prom,

And he creates a list of things he needs to do before the big night.

1. Hire a Limo

2. Hire a Kilt

3. Buy Emily some flowers


So Jack heads to the limo shop and spends a while looking through the different models available. But the line at he limo shop was really lon...

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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At ...

Why do Scotsmen wear a kilt?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away

I wore my kilt for my first meeting with my psychiatrist

She told me I was mentally ill just moments after I sat down.

She said ‘I can clearly see your nuts’

Why is the Scottish national garb called the kilt?

Because if you call it a skirt where they can hear you, you get kilt.

You can tell what clan a Scotsman is from by reaching up under his kilt.

If he's got a quarter-pounder, he's a McDonald.

How many birds can you fit under a Scotsmans kilt?

Depends how big the perch is.

I saw a Scottish man in a mini kilt the other day.

I thought, that shows a lot of balls.

What does a Scotsman wear underneath his kilt?

On good days a touch of lipstick.

My phone just replaced the word "killed" with "kilt."

Well plaid, phone... Well plaid.

A shifty looking guy in a kilt walks into a London pub

He orders a pint and very very carefully puts down the plastic bag he is carrying.

The bartender asks "What's that?"

The guy answers "6 pounds of explosives"

"Thank Christ for that" says the barman, "I thought it might be bagpipes."

A journalist is writing an article about the trend for Scottish men to wear tights under their kilts

She walks up to an old man on the streets of Glasgow and asks 'excuse me, do you ever wear a kilt?'

'Aye, about once a week or so you'll catch me in a kilt.'

'Well when you wear a kilt, do you wear tights underneath?'

'Aye, every time I've worn a kilt for the past three years I ...

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A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patc...

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

A Scottish lass inquired to a man wearing a kilt "Is it true what that say about what's underneath a man's kilt?"

"Place your hand beneath and see for yourself' replied he. She obliged and cried out "Sir, that's gruesome!" He said "If you place your hand back again, you'll find it's gruesome more!"

How can you tell if a man in a kilt is a true Scotsman?

Dandruff on the shoes.

Under the kilt

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman ...

A girl dares a scottish boy to climb up a flagpole.

He bets her five dollars that he can and she agrees. He climbs all the way to the top and gets his five bucks.

He tells his mom after school, feeling proud of his accomplishment.

“Och honey, she jist wanted ye tae climb th' pole sae she coods see up yer kilt.” She says, shaking her hea...

A Scotsman is tending his flock of sheep... (long)

when he decides to take a nap under a nearby tree.
After he falls asleep, a young woman walking on a nearby road decides to play a joke on him.
She lifts up his kilt, takes a ribbon from her hair, ties it around his manhood, and leaves with a giggle.
After awhile the Scotsman wakes up and w...

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A Roman army was making it's way through Scotland... [long]

Their march was interrupted by a frenzied shouting in the distance. The general ordered his men to stop and directed his attention towards the source of the noise. A single highland warrior was standing alone at the top of a small hill, yelling at the oncoming army.

"Come ahead ya big Jessies...

A Scotsman gets dressed in his finest kilt and heads to the pub

He drinks a fair bit more than he should have, and after struggling for a while to make it home on foot, he finally decides to lay in the grass by the road and sleep it off.

A group of girls walk by and see him lying there, one of them remarks that she'd heard Scotsmen don't wear anything be...

People often ask me if anything is worn under my kilt...

I tell them "No, nothing's worn. Everything is in fine working order!"

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A Scotsman,

A Scotsman, on the way home from a heavy drinking session
with his mates, collapses onto a park bench and falls into a
very deep stupor. Some time later 2 girls walk past and on
seeing him debate whether he has anything under his kilt.
They decide to look and discover he’s stark naked....

Did you hear about the kilt maker that went to prison?

He had quite the chequered past.

Woman to Scotsman: What do you wear under your kilt?

Scot: Put your hand up and feel.

Woman: Oh! It’s gruesome

Scot: Put your hand up again, it’s gruesome more!

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm

Bartender says "what's up with the octopus?" Guy says "this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him." There's a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever h...

A Scottish man is walking down the street wearing a kilt.

A young woman approaches the man and asks,"Are ye a true Scotsman under that kilt there?"

The man replies "Why don' ye stick yer hand up there an' find out feryerself"

So the woman reaches under the man's kilt and quickly pulls it back yelling "It's gruesome"

To which the man re...

Clan-destine investigation

How do you tell a Scotsman's clan?

You put your hand up his kilt. If you find two quarter pounders - he's a Macdonald.

A man was taken into custody and questioned about a robbery committed by a man wearing a skirt. The man was freed without charges.

He never made an admission of kilt.

Scottish Humor

It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya.

In Scotla...

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What does a true Scot keep under his kilt?

A Scotsman is at a festival, and he comes dressed in his best kilt (worn properly, of course). As the festival proceeds, the Scot starts to get very drunk, and so he sits under a tree with his beer mug and falls asleep. A couple of "pretty lasses" walk by and see the Scot passed out under the tree.<...

How does it sound when a guy in a kilt drives away?

skirrttt.

Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

A: Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away.

-Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger

How did the judge understand that the defendant is Scottish?

He admitted his kilt.

NSFW - Two travellers are walking separate paths...a Scotsman and an Irishman....

The paths merge and they see each other....and acknowledge each other silently...and continue walking side by side.

After awhile, they come across a stone fence with a sheep stuck with its' head in it. The Scotsman turns to the Irishman and says "Och lad! Ya don' get many chances like this!"<...

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A Stockbroker moves to Scotland

A Wall Street Stockbroker decided one day he’d had enough of stress and moved to rural Scotland. His cottage was miles away from the next one and he found the tranquility relaxing.

After a few days he answered a knock at the door, before him stood a Scotsman in a kilt; 6’9 tall, ginger hair ...

A Scottish man in a kilt is having a few drinks with some friends...

...when the barmaid asks him "do you wear underwear under that kilt?" He smiles and says "Stick ya hand up there lass an see for yer self". She declines, but as the night wears on her curiosity grows so she asks again, and again he says "Stick ya hand up there lass an see for yer self". she decides ...

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear the sound of a fly being undone.

(Recycled the joke from Mordecai Richler's "Barney's Version". It's a very good read with lots of content to laugh at if you have the time)

A very attractive young woman takes a vacation to Scotland

While she is there, she sees a local in traditional Scottish attire. She walks up to him as says "excuse me, I don't want to be rude, but there is something I have always wondered: is it true that Scotsmen don't wear anything beneath their kilts?"

"Well, lassie" says the Scotsman "why don't y...

Did you hear about the explosion at the Scottish clothing company?

Such losses. The police are notifying the next of kilt.

The Scotsman

A Scotsman was walking down the street in his traditional Scottish attire when he saw a couple of women talking and giggling,

As he approached one of the women asked " is it true the you dont wear anything under your kilt?"

"Aye, why dont you have a peek and find out for yourself"
...

What did the Scottish man do after his wife left him and took the kids?

He 'kilt' himself!

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Boudreaux lived down by the river in deep Louisiana.

On the other side of the river lived a guy named Clarence.

Boudreaux hated Clarence and Clarence hated Boudreaux. Every day since they were small children, they'd go down to their river banks and yell at each other across the river. They never really met each other because neither one could s...

Glasgow boys

Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s

forthcoming wedding.

‘Aye, it’s all going like magic,’ says Jock.

‘I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church,

the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma sta...

I once asked a Scottish man...

“What’s under a kilt?”

He didn’t miss a beat. “On a good day,”

He said, “lipstick.”

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An American Man Moves to Scotland

Fed up with his life in the states he packs up everything he owns and moves to a tiny cottage in the far north highlands of Scotland. He lives there quietly content for over a month before meeting anyone.

One day the American hears a knock on his door and opens it to find his neighbor a big, ...

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Mavis and Marjorie go for their first ever holiday in Scotland

While walking down a country lane they come across a Scotsman asleep under a tree and wearing full traditional clothes.
Mavis turns to Marjorie and says, "I wonder if it's true what they say about what a Scotsman wears under his kilt?".
Marjorie says, "let's find out!".
They tiptoe up to th...

A Scotsman was competing in the highland games...

Carothers had a few pints after the caber toss and wanted to take a nap before all the dancing started. So he headed out to the woods and found a nice meadow to take a wee snooze.

Two young and beautiful lasses were picking flowers in the meadow when they stumbled upon him. Being curious on...

A woman on vacation in Scotland

...is at a pub when a man walks in in a kilt.

She's on vacation, and she's been drinking so she's brave enough to ask the question that's been on her mind.

"Excuse me sir, but what do you guys wear underneath your kilts?"

"Ayy lass, go'on an 'ave a look for yourself".

S...

I live in Edinburgh, and I went with a friend to help him get his clothes for a wedding...

We were in the shop, and my friend spoke to the tailor and said he wasn't sure whether he should get a kilt or trews for the ceremony, so the tailor asked him "What's the tartan?"
"Oh she'll be wearing a white dress, I suppose..."

Don’t run with bagpipes.

You could put your aye out or worse yet, get kilt.

So there is an Irishman, a Scotsman, and a Greek...

...and they are standing before Satan and the entrance to Hell. Satan says he will give them all one more chance to live and then possibly go to heaven, but at the first sign of sin, the will be sent back to Hell.

So they are all sent back to Earth. They are walking down a street, when th...

What do you call two Scottish potatos who have just recived a rock as a prize?

Kilt tubers with won stone.

Two Irish nuns visited Scotland for the first time...

Two Irish nuns were visiting Scotland for the first time when they saw a burly Scot wearing a traditional kilt. One nun whispered to the other, "Do ye suppose it's true what they say? That they dinna wear anything underneath their kilts?"

Overhearing them, the Scot proudly turned toward them ...

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Elderly Scottish Jew

An elderly Scottish Jew decides to slow down and take up golf.

So he applies for membership at the local club.

After a week he receives a message that his application has been rejected.


So he goes down to the club to inquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is ...

So a Scotsman gets drunk...

....And falls asleep outside the pub he was drinking at.

Well in the morning two English lasses happen by and see the Scot in the gutter and the first lass says to the second, "Mary, shall we see if it's true what they say about the Scots?"

So they pull his kilt up and sure as the su...

There's an easy way to distinguish different clans of Scotsmen just by lifting their kilts...

...if they're packing a quarter pounder under there, they're a McDonald.

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A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

"A'right! The perfect opportunity!" cried the Scotsman, who lifted his kilt and leapt on the backside of the sheep, shagging it furiously until he was satisfied.

Smiling, the Scot...

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A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road...

A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road, when two young woman walk past. One of them spots him, so she says to her friend:

“I wonder if it’s true what they say about Scots not wearing anything underneath their kilts?”

The other one is curious too, so after making sure the...

There was a scotsman called Reginald Mcdonald

He was called that because if you reached up his kilt, he had 2 quater pounders. With cheese.

(OC) Why did the man from Scotland get sentenced to life in prison?

He kilt someone.

Light aircraft crashes in Scotland!

Two kilt

Asked a Scottish man today why they wear those skirts

He replied 'the last guy that called it skirt, got kilt'

An old man takes his grandson to the park...

In a small town in Scotland, an old man took his young grandson to the park. They see a large slide, and the man tells his grandson to go slide down it.
"How, Grandpa?" Asked the kid.
The old man, wearing a traditional kilt, was hesitant to demonstrate how to slide. But he looked around and ...

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A drunk Scotsman stumbles out of a pub on a windy Saturday night...

...halfway home he passes out on the street, and a gust blows his kilt up, exposing his privates.

Next morning a flock of little old ladies are on their way to church. They see him in all his indecent glory and are aghast. The bravest one pulls a length of blue ribbon from her purse, tent...

The Scottsman

Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked the he'd drunk more than his share
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet
And he stumbled off in to the grass to sleep beside the street

About that time two young and lovely...

The Scotsman

An older Scotsman is standing on the sidewalk while visiting Edinburgh.
Soon enough two young Lassies approach him and say, "Good Scotsman, is it true what they say about what a Scotchman doesn't wear beneath his kilt?
"Well have a look" replied the Scotsman.
So she leans over and slo...

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[NSFW]Two Scottish lasses are walking to school one morning...

...when they come upon a man passed out under a tree after a night out drinking. They approach the burly, bearded man and one girl says " I n'er seen a mans penis before. Let's take a peek!" So, they lift the mans kilt and the other exclaims " It looks like a wee chick sitting in a nest! It needs a ...

A lady walks up to a Scot...

A lady walks up to a Scot wearing a kilt and asks... 'Is anything worn under the kilt?'

'No', he said. 'It's all in perfect condition'.

Two Scottish guys discussing a wedding..

First guys asks "What are ye wearing to yer weddin'?"

Second fella says "A kilt of course!"

First fella "What's the tartin?"

"She's wearing white" says his pal

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A Greek and a Scot ......

Were walking on a farm together just shooting the shit. They see a goat with his horns stuck in the fence so the Scot runs up to it, lifts up his kilt and starts to go to town on the goat.
When he finishes, he steps back, takes a deep breath and tells the Greek; “Ah rrright man, it’s yurr turn.”...

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotchman are marooned on an island

John, Mick, and McTavish have been stuck on the island for a very long time, and all have grown long beards.

One day while exploring, John discovered an old type of lamp, like an oil lamp.

Mick saw it and said "It could be an ol' genie! rub it a few times"

John rubs the lamp thr...

A young lady was walking through a field in Scotland...

...when she noticed a man passed out against a tree. Curious of what men wore underneath their kilts, she decided there was no better time to find out. She giggled softly, took her ribbon, and tied it at a strategic location.

The next morning the Scotsman woke up with a terrible hangover and ...

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Drunken Scotsman

A Scotsman stumbles out of a bar and starts walking down the road to his house. Too drunk to make it there, he lays down on the side of the road in a field and passes out.

A woman is walking home and spots him there. She says to herself, "I wonder what he's hiding underneath that kilt." Look...

You should never trust a Scottish tailor.

It'll get you kilt.

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A small flock of sheep walks into an Scottish bar

The bartender, immediately upset by the commotion, tells them they have to leave.

A brave sheep stands up to the bartender and says "Sheep or not, I'm a true Scotsman. I know the history of our people all the way back to the beginning of time, and this place is my home."

The bartender ...

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