Stastistics are like bikinis.

What they reveal is interesting; what they hide is critical

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their bodies.

Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Wife was mowing the yard in her bikini. Neighbor says "you should be hung!"

"I am; that's why she mows."

What does a computer and a bikini have in common

They both save men from a lot guessing work

Trump is beginning to be like a bikini wax...

all of a sudden, having Bush wasn’t so bad...

I just read an article on the bikini...

it's two parts and pretty revealing.

Statistics are like bikinis.

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.

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This morning, I slipped on a bikini,

I guess I fell into a BOOBY TRAP!

I just saw a car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit

It was a Lamb Bikini

An old couple sitting on the beach...

The old man looks on as a slim and pretty young lady in a bikini walks past. He nudges the old lady and says with a smile, “it truly is the thin twigs that get the fire going”.

The old lady looks at him with a very unimpressed expression and replies, “...and it’s the big fat logs that cook t...

An old man goes to confession.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I'm 80 years old and have been happily married to the love of my life for 60 years, but last night i cheated on her. With twins. 21 year old bikini model twins."

The priest asks how long it's been since his last confession.

"I've never been to con...

When a woman wears a bikini, she has 90 percent of her body exposed

Men, being the gentleman that we are, only look at the other 10 percent. (Hopefully not a repost)

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- Tell me, Rabbi, can a Jew look at women in bikinis?

I'm leaving for a vacation tomorrow, and surely there will be lots of girls in bikinis on the shore...

\- Oh, nothing wrong with that.

\- I'm a bit worried about looking at women other than my wife. And if they'll be topless? Can I look at them?

\- Yes, you can.

\- But wh...

A well endowed woman was swimming at the beach when she lost her bikini top.

The woman awkwardly covered her chest and ran back towards the shore.

A little boy saw the woman and said, "If you're going to drown those puppies, can I at least keep the one with the cute little pink nose?"

What's South of Bikini Bottom?

Thigh-land

Why is a bad government like a bikini?

Because people marvel at what's holding it up. And they wish it would fall.

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A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.


As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, ...

If McDonald's opened up in Bikini Bottom

They'd have the perfect sandwich to rival Krusty Krabs's sandwich and put the Chum Bucket out of business: The Krappy Patty

Which flight ends in Bikini Bottom?

Malaysian Airlines Flight 370

When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax.

Bush wasn’t that bad.

If you're ever feeling useless just remember

Bikini Bottom has a fire department

My dad once told me that essays are like bikinis ...

Big enough to cover the subject, but small enough to keep it interesting.

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The other day I saw a big-breasted bikini barista working in a coffee stand

So I pull into the drive through and order a small coffee, just as an excuse to get a closer look at her 36DD boobs. She hands me the coffee & says "That'll be $9!"



Shocked I asked her why it costs so much. She shrugged & responded "All drink prices are based on cup size."...

The number of Firefox users in Bikini Bottom is dwindling...

In the future everything will be Chrome.

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in...

3 women board a plane for the 1st time an Asian a Caucasian and a african american.

3 women board a plane for the 1st time an Asian a Caucasian and a african american.
The Asian annouces "im scared but i wore fluro underwear so if we crash they can see me" the Caucasian says "i wore my stars and stripes bikini as underwear so i can be noticed and picked up 1st". The African Ame...

I don't get why girls wear bikinis at the beach.

They've got nothing to hide.

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If SpongeBob is absorbent and lives in bikini bottom

then I'm pretty sure that makes him a tampon

My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well," she said, "I've lost a stone. Can you see a difference?"

I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone," I said. "Can you see a difference?"

*A man comes into the psychiatrists office wearing a bikini

Psychiatrist: well I can see your nuts

Why does Ariel wear seashells for a bikini top?

Because the B-shells were too small.

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One thing I really enjoy doing is wearing nothing but a colorful tight bikini bottom that shows off my cock, and then going and strutting around in front of other men and letting them ogle me.

Or as it's also known, "Bodybuilding"

What did the bikini-clad woman who was on the beach say when Michael Jackson approached?

Get out of my sun!!

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What do a thong bikini and Donald's Trump's hair have in common.

They both barely cover the asshole.
(gota give Seth Myer credit for this one).

Damn girl are you David Hasselhoff?

Because I wanna ride you like Spongebob and Patrick getting the crown to Bikini Bottom from Shell City to save the day and Mr. Krabs

What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a crab in a bikini?

One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

Bikini Waxing

What a rip off.

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Logic 101

Mitch sees Nick, an old friend, and walks up to him: "Where have you been? Haven't seen you for a while at the pub. Wanna join us on the card game tonight?"

"I can't. I have a lecture in an hour."

"A lecture? Aren't you too old to study?"

"You're never too old to study the logic...

Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman...

... what it reveals is exciting; what it hides is vital.

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Too good not to share..

\*1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!\*


\*2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs and lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panti...

How (not) to meet women at the beach

A young guy moved to the beach and is trying to meet women, but isn't having much luck. One day, the young guy is walking down the beach, and he passes an old guy, who is completely surrounded by young beautiful women in bikinis vying for his attention. The young guy scratches his head and keeps wal...

Lose 10lbs in a week.

A man trying to lose weight saw an add in the paper for a program to lose 10 lbs in a week. Wanting to lose weight he called and signed up. They told him his work out would start at 7 AM. So the first thing in the morning he heard a knock at his door. It was a gorgeous blonde wearing nothing but a b...

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won’t be identified as clergy.

They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon hit the beach. They notice a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini.

"Good afternoon, Fathers," she says as she strolls by.

The men are stunned. How does she know they’re clergy? Later they buy even wilder attire: surfer shorts, tie-dyed T-shirt...

TINY BIKINI

A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?" Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"

What do you call a bikini clad conspiracy theorist?

An illumi-hotty!

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Fuck and Weight loss

A fat man saw an ad in a newspaper
"Lose 5kg in a week".

He called the company & lady said
"be ready tomorrow at 6am."
The next morning he opened the door &
found a beautiful girl with shoes & skirt saying "you catch me, you fuck me" & the girl started running....

Weight loss

A guy learns about a new workout method - rapid weight reduction guaranteed. He calls the company, they make an appointment for the standard package .

At the given time it knocks on his door. He opens and there is this really nice girl in a tight running outfit - she winks at him and says- ...

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CPR

I popped my head over my sexy neighbour's fence today to see her lying in her bikini.

"Wow, you're gorgeous!" I burst out, "I hope you know how to do CPR."

"Why?" she asked with a giggle, "Because I've taken your breath away?"

"No," I replied. "I've just run your son over out fr...

Girl Lost a bikini bottom at the pool.

A girl in the bikini walked into the pool. After a few minutes she lost her bikini bottom. Horrified, she grabbed the pool's warning sign post to cover her bottom. Everyone turned to her and laugh. She realized that post said "slippery when wet". She quickly threw that post and grabbed another. Ever...

Statistics are like Bikini Atoll

Their essence utterly obliterated for the purpose of proving a political point.

Have you seen the new clear plastic bikinis?

They're worth looking into.

What are the similarities between the sun and a bikini

1. They are both hot
2. They both look better when going down and
3. They both go down at night

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A very fat man wants to lose weight

A very fat man wants to lose weight. After many failed attempts, he sees an ad:

Lose weight with pleasure!! Guaranteed results!!

Three diferrent packages:
Begginer: 20 pounds in 5 days
Intermediate: 40 pounds in 3 days
Advanced: 60 pounds in only 1 day!
...

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Climbing the Ladder to Success

Joe walks along a road and comes across a man standing next to a ladder that stretches up into the clouds. He walks up to the man and asks what's going on.

"Oh, this? This is the ladder to success," the man replies.

"Interesting," Joe mumbles. "I was just fired from my job and caugh...

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A priest wanted to test the sanity of his monks.

He tied to his 4 monk's dicks a rope connected to a bell.
He showed all of them a picture of a woman in a bikini.
Ding!
The priest slapped the first monk and said:"You are no saint! Get out of here!"
And the first monk left.
Next he showed all of them a picture of a fully naked woman....

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Sammy visits his old war buddy Willy who is confined to a wheelchair...

Willy says, "My feet are freezing man, would you mind running upstairs and grabbing me my slippers?"
"No problem at all," Sammy says, and he runs upstairs. On his way to Willy's bedroom, he passes by a guest room, where he sees Willy's 16 year old great granddaughter and her friend, both clad ...

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3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.

25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.

So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request t...

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A US senator died and went to heaven.

When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates.
Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you g...

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Three supermodels are on a plane that’s going down over the Atlantic Ocean

While they’re putting on their life preservers, they start talking about what they’re going to wear.

The white woman says “I’m going to wear my hot pink bikini, because when they rescue us they’ll easily be able to see it and hot pink really accentuates my features.”

The Hispanic woman...

Bill Gates dies in a car accident, He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call;

I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or
Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by
putting a computer in almost every home in
America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows
'95. I'm going to do something I've never done
before in your case; I'm going to let you decide...

Two Priests going on vacation to Hawaii were...

determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed i...

A pony walks into a bar

Says to the bartender “Let me get one Apple martini”

bartender leans in closer and says “what?”

Pony says “one. Apple martini, please”.

Bartender asks, “something about a Bikini?”

Pony starts to get a little frustrated but manages to say a little louder now “ONE APPLE...

I was sat on the beach with my girlfriend the other day.

After a while, I turned to her and said, "If you were to see someone in a bra and knickers at the beach, you would think they are crazy. But somehow it's perfectly acceptable to wear a bikini, which is stupid as it's basically the same thing."

She said, "I don't care. Please, just take them o...

Three men end up in hell

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell h...

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A fat man is watching television

He is desperate about his weight situation, all of the sudden he sees an advertisement about losing weight on a tv channel, the woman on the tv shows 3 lose weight secrets that can be deliver to your house but without knowing what the actual product is, she also mentions to be aware of the third on...

Two guys go to the beach for the weekend.

The first guy, Donnie, is getting looks from girls all day long, while Jimmy is ignored. Jimmy is completely blown away by this. They are both about the same size, with similar features. How could Donnie be so much more attractive. They could barely walk anywhere without some hot blonde in a bikini ...

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WOMEN eh!

Boob-jobs,

nose-jobs,

teeth bleaching,

tummy tucks,

liposuction,

colonic irrigation,

botox,

pierced ears,

pierced nipples,

pierced bellies,

pierced clits,

eyebrows plucked,

bikini wax,

armpits shaved,

l...

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right by the beach ... [long] [slightly nsfw]

So I'm at the beach with my buddy, on Vancouver Island. We're just sitting on the rocks smoking some joints, meanwhile down on the sand there's girls in bikinis laying on their towels getting some sun. We see this guy walking along the beach talking to the girls.

He's wearing a big colorfu...

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A doctor and his wife were sun

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed. The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sexy voice, "Hi there handsome. How are you doing?" before wiggling her backside and ...

Santy Clause comes down the chimney. [NSFW]

A slim blonde beauty in a tiny bikini flashes her eye's at Santa and says "can't you stay?"

"Hohoho Santa's gotta go 2 feet of snow you know."

"Awww Santa pleeease?" she pleads as she lowers her straps and bites her lips.

"Hohoho Santa's gotta go 2 feet of snow you know."
<...

A young couple were on their honeymoon . . .

. . . and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was to large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As t...

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Birthday at the old-age home

So it's Phil's 90th birthday. All of the residents of the old-age home are there. Suddenly, two people come in with a huge "Happy Birthday" cake. The top of the cake opens up, and out pops a gorgeous busty blonde in a skimpy bikini. She goes over to Phil, sits on his lap, and says "It's your 90t...

Sunbathing on the beach, the wife came up to me asked what I thought of her flip flops?

Bloody horrible I said "Put your bikini top back on"

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A cowboy gets into a brothel

He goes to the owner, hands her $10000 and asks her:

"I want the ugliest, nastiest girl you have here. I also want scrambled eggs."

The owner is baffled at such a weird requests, and tries to argue:

"For this much money, you can have the triplets who were bikini models for the ...

A husband and wife are spending the day at the beach

While they are enjoying the sun a very attractive young woman in a bikini thong walks by, puts down a towel, removes her top, and lays down in front of them. The wife happens to catch her husband making glances at the younger woman and becomes jealous. "Is that what you want? You want me to get a fu...

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Bob wins the lottery.

Bob: Pack your bags Doris, I've won the lottery.

Doris: But where are we going? what shall I pack? T-shirts and bikinis for some place hot, or boots and woolies for some place cold?

Bob: Just pack 'em and fuck off.

Why did Robert Oppenheimer's wife go to the beach naked?

There was no bikini atoll

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Damn Tourists...

A guy's driving down in the Florida Keys. He see a little roadside stand and pulls over because he's feeling hungry. He gets out and sees a sign: "CONCH SALAD $5. GROUPER SANDWICH $10. HAND JOB $15. There's an attractive girl in a skimpy bikini standing behind the wooden counter, smiling seductively...

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A priest a rabbi and a minister end up in Boise, Idaho.

A priest, a rabbi and a minister need to get to a religious conference in Pittsburgh, PA. They decided to fly as a group.

The Priest wanted to take care of the arrangements. He walked into a travel agency, and explained to the owner that he'll need tickets and a hotel. A very attractive wom...

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Decisions, decisions, decisions.

A man dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. St. Peter says to the man, "There is really nothing extremely good nor bad about your life to determine your fate. You'll have to spend 24 hours in Heaven and in Hell, then choose where you wish to spend eternity."
The man thinks for a momen...

A very Fat woman comes into a store and tells the clerk,

'i would like to see a bikini that fits me'

Clerk...'me too'

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Your momma's so fat...

Her picture fell off the wall

She wears a 3 piece bikini

There are smaller fat women orbiting her

Her tampons come equipped with On Star

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