Thong Jokes - 48 Hilarious Thong Jokes

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A friend of mine used to be a stripper but she got bored with it.

It's always the same old thong and dance.

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Ms. Nugent, a retired widow went to the beach wearing a bra and thong.

Her husband had died a few years back and after years of mourning she decided it was time to get back in the game. And what better way than to go to the beach in a racy, sexy swimsuit to snag a man. In her youth, this plan never seemed to fail although in that time, they didn't have thongs.

A...

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What do a thong and Donald Trump's toupee have in common?

They both barely cover an asshole.

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt, and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

“I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says.

The clerk nods and climbs up a la...

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Since thongs are also known as butt floss

Does that mean they prevent anal cavities?

While she was sleeping, I moved her thongs to the side...

... so in can fit my socks in the same drawer.

Bought some super tight pink thongs and put them into my neighbour’s laundry beg…

Now I’m heading for my porch, gonna pour myself a glass of whiskey, light up a cigar and wait for the drama to start…

A guy approaches a beautiful young woman in a short dress at the jukebox.

“Wow. Great thong.”

She pours her drink on him and walks away.

“I’m thorry, was it thomething I thaid??!!”

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The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work

"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress."

"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.

"Now, I want you to take off my bra."

"Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it ca...

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A redditor walks in to bar...

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"

"It's been so long since I've had a good laugh", replies the redditor. "I'll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven't heard before."

"That sounds easy enough", replies the bartender.

"I should warn you", the redditor says, "I b...

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Why are granny panties better than thongs?

Because granny panties will cover your ass, but thongs are always trying to get up in your shit.

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When I get home I'm going to rip my girlfriend thong off!

It's been digging in my arse all day.

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I was woken late last night about 3am

By my next door neighbor in a very revealing negligee, bra, thongs and high heel boots, and asking to borrow a cup of sugar.

I said, ‘fuck off dave, I’ve got work in the morning’.

Do old women wear panties or thongs????

Depends

Open the bra....

Open the bra.

*Yes sweetheart*

And now down with your skirt!

*Yes honey*

The thong too!!

*I do whatever you want*

Don't ever put on my clothes again, George

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3 men die on Christmas morning...

Three men die on Christmas morning. They end up in front of the pearly gates and Saint Peter, even though none of them ever expected it.

Peter says "You guys drink, smoke and womanize. You shouldn't be getting into heaven. However, it's Christmas and I'm feeling festive. If you can each show ...

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The old gunfighter is getting worried

He feels that as he is getting older he is slowing down, and some of the youngsters are getting damn good. He decides he will consult a “gunfighter trainer” to help him improve his technique and show him the latest tricks.

He goes into the bar, and walks up to the gunfighter trainer at a t...

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation,

Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick w...

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A Redneck is on his honeymoon....

As they step into the bedroom, she disrobes.

He says, "First, woman, make me a drink".

She slips off her panties and says, "Only if you put these on".

He begrudgingly obliges and puts his feet through the holes of her lacy thong.

At his thighs, the thong won't stretch ...

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Three drunk hobos were having an argument over who has the dirtiest underwear

"I have the dirtiest boxers in the entire city," says the first hobo.

As proof, he takes off his filthy brown stained boxers and throws it at a nearby wall.

The boxers stuck to the wall for 10 seconds, before peeling off and landing on the ground with a sickening plop.

Unimpress...

Two long time friends meet at the gym.

After they finish working out they go into the locker room to shower and change clothes. One guy looks over and sees his friend putting on a thong and he says since when do you wear women’s underwear? The other guy says since my wife found them in the glove compartment.

Wife wants to Undress

Wife - please remove my blouse

Husband - ok ( proceeds to remove her blouse )

Wife - Unzip my miniskirt and take it off

Husband - ok dear ( unzips her miniskirt and takes it off )

Wife - now unhook my bra

Husband - sure ( unhooks her bra )

Wife - now plea...

it's not great, but not terrible either.

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morni...

Thinking about opening a lingerie shop for plus size women

....... Gonna call it KING THONG

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An old business tycoon marries a young supermodel but knows his jealousy will eventually, get the better of him…

So everyday, the tycoon; Mr Green, rings up his new wife from his office on the top floor of his international corporation headquarters in the city to their penthouse apartment in the suburbs. And everyday, regular as clockwork the wife answers, slightly out of breath and always surprised to hear hi...

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What do a thong bikini and Donald's Trump's hair have in common.

They both barely cover the asshole.
(gota give Seth Myer credit for this one).

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My Dad's Best Joke - Not a dad joke

My dad was enjoying a smoke break during an in-service training at the police academy. He had taken to smoking Misty cigarettes. A friend from a neighboring police force asked him why he was smoking such a feminine cigarette.

"Well, Kay went out to get something out of my cruiser the other da...

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A traveling salesman rings a doorbell...

and a five year old boy answers wearing nothing but a pink lacy thong and smoking a cigar. The salesman is shocked and stammers, "Hey, little boy, are your parents home?"

The kid looks up at him and says, "What the fuck do *you* think?"

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What do Irish Judges and women have in common?

According to irish law they both deserve to be assaulted

One for wearing thongs, the other for wearing a sexy wig.

I hate autocorrect

I always end up typing some thong I don’t ninentdo

What does a dead cheetah means to Tarzan ?

A new thong !

I saw a girl busking today.

She had a great voice and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.
"Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd.
"Your thong," I replied with a wink.
Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.
It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.

What do "Jingle Bells" sung by Mike Tyson and a green and red g-string have in common?

They're both Christmith Thongs.

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How to rob a bank

I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow. I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels. I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to fuck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping u...

A citizen was cited for a tax investigation in the IRS.

Frightened, he asked his accountant how to dress.

-"Use rags, they'll think you're a beggar," the accountant replied.

When he asked his lawyer, he told him the exact opposite:

-'Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and most elegant tie'

Confused, t...

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The wedgie I had during yoga class.

Shortly after I moved back to the city I wanted to start up yoga again. I had just come from the mall and bought these adorable little Victoria Secret panties that I had immediately put on. As soon as I sat down in the yoga studio I could start to feel them riding up. I was thinking “shit. How do I ...

Two men are standing in line at a bakery when an old man joins them.

There's a cute young woman behind the counter when the first man tells her his order.

'I'll have a loaf of sour dough and how about some raisin bread.'

At this point the second man in line looks back at the old man and tells him to watch. The old man then sees the lady behind the count...

Frank went to the gym

As he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.

The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “lose 1kg guaranteed”, “lose 3 kg guaranteed”, “lose 5kg guaranteed” and “lose 10kg guaranteed”. However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.

He accepted the offer and the receptio...

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A couple meet in a bar, and over a few drinks discover a mutual interest in kinky sex, so they adjourn back to her place.

She excuses herself to go change into something a little more...else. Twenty-some minutes later she comes back out wearing an executioner's hood, elbow length opera gloves, under-bust hourglass corset, spiked thong, stockings, and thigh-high, stiletto heel boots. She cracks a bullwhip and says, "On ...

Weight Loss Man

A man wants to lose weight. He sees an ad that boasts losing 5 pounds in one week so he calls and orders it. The next day he steps out his door and sees the best looking girl he has ever seen in just a sports bra, a thong, and a sign that reads "if you catch me I am yours". She runs and the man chas...

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Three men are travelling home on Christmas day together

As they round a corner their car goes head on into a tree and the three men are instantly killed. All three men arrive at the pearly gates at the same time and stand in a long queue waiting to receive St Peter’s judgement. While waiting, one of the men points ahead to front of the queue after notici...

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A man comes home visibly irritated.

His wife notices and asks if something is wrong.

He shakes his head.

"C'mon. Talk to me" she says.

He takes a moment to steady himself. "It's just that..." he pauses again, and takes a deep breathe. "Well, first of all, last night when you were telling me about your day?"
...

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A guy is driving through the desert in a convertible with his girlfriend...

She says, " Drive fast, speed turns me on. I'll get undressed more the faster you drive."
He accelerates to 65 mph, she takes off her jeans.
"Ohh, yeah, go faster!"
He gets up to 80 mph, she takes off her shirt. She's just in her bra and thong.
"Baby, you know how to make a girl horny!...

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My girlfriends hot sister

A man who was very close to proposing to his girlfriend was on his way from work when he received a phone call from his girlfriend.
“Hey honey can you please meet at my sisters place for dinner tonight”?

The man agreed and drove over to his girlfriends sisters house. Now this wasn’t out o...

A husband and wife are spending the day at the beach

While they are enjoying the sun a very attractive young woman in a bikini thong walks by, puts down a towel, removes her top, and lays down in front of them. The wife happens to catch her husband making glances at the younger woman and becomes jealous. "Is that what you want? You want me to get a fu...

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A boy asks his girlfriend over for dinner to meet his parents.

He tells her he will pick her up at 6 and his parents are seeing a show afterwards, so they will have the house all to themselves. She’s nervous, but also excited, so goes shopping to pick out some lingerie for their big night.

She and the chatty assistant just click and get to talking about...

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Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.

The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:

NO THONGS

NO SINGLETS

NO NERDS

MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION

No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

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This husband and wife had been driving for nearly 20 hours

and decide its time too get a room too relax and get a little sleep. They find a nice hotel and get a room for the night. They go up stairs too there room,shower,eat and sleep.they wake up,eat breakfast ad go down stairs too check out. The receptionist tells them there bill is 350 dollars,the husban...

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