When I get home I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off

The elastic's killing me 😫

I was in a lingerie shop and asked one of the staff "Excuse me, are these knickers satin?"

She said "No, they're new"

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I bought the Mrs some crotchless knickers for Halloween.

Nothing sexual it's just to give her a better grip on her broomstick:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are taking their wives to play golf.

The Englishman's wife walks up to the tee, bends over to put her ball on the tee, the wind blows her skirt up and she isn't wearing underwear. The Englishman says, "My heavens Elizabeth where are your underthings? She replies "Reginald, on the money you give me for the household, I can't afford un...

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.

"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

My wife came rushing in out of the garden and said, "There's a pair of my knickers missing off the washing line."

I said, "I know, the two kids from next door have them." She said, "The dirty little perverts." I said, "It's nothing like that, they mentioned something about building a hammock."

Little Debbie went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them. Mum said, "You should say "No, they only want to look at your knickers.."

Debbie said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!

Bought the wife some Meatloaf knickers for Xmas.

The front says "I will do anything for love"

On the rear it says "but I won't do that"

Today on Words that sound bad but aren't; Knickers

Todd, Did you steal all my Knickers again?

Dammed Knickers taking all the good boys away from all the good prude women.

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Piers Morgan says women send him their knickers in the post.

Presumably with the message ‘From one twat to another.

Old ladies' knickers

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Phyllis's are green.

Bob is walking down the street when he says his old friend John passing in a brand new Rolls Royce

On seeing his old friend, John pulls over to say hello.

Bob sees the Rolls Royce and exclaims," Wow, how did you get the great car?"

John says," So I was going out for a walk on a sunny afternoon when a beautiful woman pulled over in this Rolls Royce and asked if I wanted a lift, so I ...

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation,

Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'


The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.


Mick w...

My wife

My wife came into the bedroom and in a strict voice she said "take my blouse off", so I took her blouse off.

"Take my shoes off", I took her shoes off

"Remove my skirt", I removed her skirt.

"Take my stockings off", slowly I took her stockings off.

"Now remove my bra", I ...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes int...

An elderly British woman was found beaten to death on a bus in Detroit.

Reportedly, her last words were:
"Pardon me, do you know where I can buy some knickers?"

My girlfriend was in a pensive mood, so I asked her if something was wrong.

"Do you believe in ghosts?" she asked.

"Of course not, honey," I replied. "Don't worry, we are safe here."

She reached into her pocket.

"Then how did THESE knickers get here?" she demanded, holding them up for me to see.

I said, "Yeah, I believe in ghosts."

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I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this ...

How do you tell if a girl is wearing no knickers

By the dandruff on her shoes

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My wife was choking at dinner, so I flipped her over the table, pulled her knickers down and stuck my tongue up her arse.

The shock made her spit out the obstruction and breathe again.

Thank god I knew the hind-lick manoeuvre!

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Kylie Minogue, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking along the street.

Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings. Robbie, quick as a flash, pulls down her knickers and fucks her ball-deep senseless. He turns to Elton and says, "your turn!" but Elton starts to cry. "What's wrong, Elton?" asks Robbie. Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!"

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A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry . Paddy consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves woul...

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The Swede’s wife

stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied. ...

James bond walks into a bar..

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No,” he replies, “Q has just given me this sta...

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No toilet paper

Two women walking home drunk had to pee so they went into a graveyard. They had no toilet paper so one woman used her knickers and threw them away. The other used a ribbon from a wreath. The next day their husbands were talking. We'd better keep an eye on our wives, one said, mine came home without ...

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Paddy and Murphy come across a girl whose bike has a flat tire...

Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.

A few minutes later, Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.

"What the feck happened"? asks Murphy.

"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her fuckin knickers off, lies on the ground and says, 'take what you want b...

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Peter and Griselda were walking home from the pub one night....

....when Griselda says, "I need a piss!" and goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.

Feeling horny, Peter puts his hand through the bush and feels around a bit.


Lo and behold, Peter is sure he feels something dangling between Griselda's legs.

He says, "Have you changed s...

I knocked on my neighbours door this morning

And asked : “Can you please have my children? I’ll be no longer than a couple of minutes, I promise.”

“Of course, John.” She replied.

“Great!” I said. “Quick then, get your knickers off.”

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It was Electrifying

There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to ...

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"I saw a job advertised as a fanny waxers assistant"

Job includes; removing ladies knickers, prepare fanny for waxing and rub oil in after waxing. When i asked at the job centre, they said i had to go to Cornwall. I said, "why is that where the job is?" No they said, "thats where the fucking back of the queue is!!"

This guy in the pub started kicking up a fuss.

He said, "I heard that you were looking up my girlfriend's skirt at her knickers!"

I said, "Nope, that's incorrect."

He said, "What do you mean that's incorrect?"

I said, "She isn't wearing any knickers."

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I was teaching my science class about the female anatomy:

"This is the vagina. This is the clitoris, and this is the anus. Any questions?"

"Yes," said one of the pupils, "Can I put my knickers back on now?"

I went for a romantic break with the wife

She came out of the bathroom and said "take off my dress"

As I peeled off her dress, she said "take off my bra"

My hands trembled as I unclasped the strap. Then came "take off my knickers"

I slowly pulled them down, and she shouted

"and I don't ever want to catch you wear...

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A 3-year-old is watching his mum get changed...

As she drops her knickers, he points at her crotch and asks: "Mum, what is that?!"

Panicking, the mother quips "Oh, that's... that's where god hit me with an axe..."

"Phwoar" Says the boy... "Right in the cunt!"

A guy ring’s his new girlfriend’s doorbell

She sees him holding a very nice bouquet of flowers and drags him in.

She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says “This is for the flowers!”

“Don’t be silly” says her boyfriend, “you must have a vase somewhere!”

A man is talking to his friend at the bar

"When I get home, I'm going straight upstairs and tearing the wife's knickers off."
"Ooh," his friend says. "Feeling randy?"
"No," the man replies. "The elastic's killing me."

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Barmaid is indeed pissed...!!

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits," he says.

"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat hi...

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Three Englishmen spot a Welshman alone in a pub...

They say to each other "I'm bored, let's pick a fight with him."
The first Englishman walks up to him and says "St. David wore frilly pink knickers."
"Interesting, I didn't know that," said the unfazed Welshman.
Flustered by his failed attempt at angering the Welshman, the first Engli...

A lady goes into a doctor for a check-up.

During her examination the doctor says,

"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Leave your knickers on ......

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"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pul...

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TV Licensing

Some lad about my age in his mid 20's had someone from TV licensing at his door so I had a cheeky listen, Glad I did.

"Do you watch live TV sir?"

"Nah mate, TV's shite, don't even own one. Prefer my music me"

"May I pop inside and look so I can confirm and put that on our system...

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A Strange Date

A young man, out on the tiles with his mates, spies the girl of his Dreams across a dance floor.

Having admired her from afar, he finally gets up the courage to talk to her.

Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening. ...

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Plan B

My wife's just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow.

I said, "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?"

"What, in case I shit myself?" She replied.

"No." I said, "In case your main chute doesn't fucking open."

I was sat on the beach with my girlfriend the other day.

After a while, I turned to her and said, "If you were to see someone in a bra and knickers at the beach, you would think they are crazy. But somehow it's perfectly acceptable to wear a bikini, which is stupid as it's basically the same thing."

She said, "I don't care. Please, just take them o...

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Why was the washing machine laughing?

Because it was taking the piss out of the knickers.

My hot neighbor knocked on my door the other day.

She said that someone had been stealing her underwear from her washing line and that she had called the police.

I nearly shat in her knickers!

What did the rapper say when he couldn't find his pants?

"Where my knickers at?"

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A woman came into our work yesterday to give us all a talk about sexual harassment in the work place.

A woman came into our work yesterday to give us all a talk about sexual harassment in the work place. After the presentation she asked, "Has anyone got any questions?"
I put my hand up and asked, "What colour knickers have you got on?"

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Three women go on a night out...

Three women go on a night out and leave their husbands looking after the kids.

They get incredibly drunk, but decide to call it a night and head home when they can barely stand. One of the women on the walk home says "I really need to go for a piss, come into this graveyard here"....so they ...

3 young lads trying to get into heaven.

One Christmas eve three young fellas were out on the crawl drinking and partying. All at once a bus came and killed them outright. They came to St Peter at the pearly gates and he told them there was no entry unless they had a Christmassy item to give him. The first fella rumaged in his pockets and ...

A Young Irish Couple

A young Irish couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your tro...

I got beat up at a black lives matter rally for complaining about my underwear

These knickers where just making me so uncomfortable

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David Copperfield is doing his magic show...

...and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick.

"I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table."

"Ok," says David and the guy gets on stage.

He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts fucking her ...

3 blokes died on christmas eve

they all get up to the pearly gates, saint peter said "sorry boys i cant let you in, unless you've got something christmassy on you" so he said to the scotsman "what have you got?" so he fiddled around and come out with a set of keys and rattled them, and said 'I've got a christmas bell" "in to heav...

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Horse Names banned by the British Horse Racing Authority

Chit Hot

Chocolate Starfish

Choke the Chicken

Curl One Off

Dick Face

Harry Azzol

Harry Balls

Harry Monk

Hugh G Dildeaux

Hugh G Rection

Hugh Gass Kisser

Hugh Gorgy

Hugh Janus

Ima Hoare

Ima Goodlay
...

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Christmas Eve and Santa was out delivering presents...

He arrived at a set of three houses, he went down the first chimney, and there was a woman stood their in her bra and knickers, she said "Shag me Santa Clause" he replied with "Ho, Ho, Ho, Santa's gotta go, gotta deliver presents to the people I know"

So up the chimney he shot, and straight d...

Talking shoes

What did the shoes say to the capri pants?
"What's up britches!"

What did the shoes say to the black underpants?
"Whassup my knickers?"

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