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Undies Jokes

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What's a whale without undies

A free Willy

After a grueling 12 hour shift I felt my mood lift as I walked in on my girlfriend wearing nothing but her skimpiest undies and a smile.

My smile soon faded as she yelled at me, saying I'd "stretch the material" and that I should "buy my own".

Why don't witches wear undies?

To get a better grip on their broomsticks

My wife was feeling frisky and left her dirty undies for me

She didn’t seem all that impressed when I did the same for her.

A joke about old ladies undies:

Rose's are red

Violet's are blue

Ethel's are green


~ Lee Mack

What's gray and wrinkly and hangs out your grandad's undies?

Your grandma.

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Aussie walks in to see his doctor.

Doctor: Okay, cobber, what seems to be the problem?

Cobber: Mate, could you take a look at my old fella?

Doctor: No worries, cob, just drop yer strides and rip of them nylon undies.

Cobber removes his trousers and underpants, and the doctor examines his and ballbag.
...

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

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I just told my next door neighbour we are moving out next week and she said “Great, that means you can stop stealing my undies off my clothes line”!

I nearly her pants when she said it.

Remember the undies with the days of the week on them, Monday, Tuesday....?

In Romania we had something similar, our girls on their undies had January, February....

Two burly bouncers are standing outside the front of a pub.

One says "When I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's undies off!"

"Why's that?" The other asks.

The first bouncer finishes " 'cause the elastic is killing me."

Time change

I was sitting on the edge of my chair last night with a can of black paint and my pants and undies around my ankles. My wife walked into the room and screamed, "NO! You fool, I said to be sure you turn your clock back."

The watch

There is a guy in a bar trying to pick up a nice girl he saw. He paid a drink for her and they get into chatting. The guy was wearing a big nice watch which appeared to display a lot of functions.
"Nice watch" she said, while they were trying to break the ice. "Well, it does a lot of things", he ...

Medical exam

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor. "No! No! .... Just stick out your tong...

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Three couples are trying to join a very conservative church

After going through all of the night classes, Bible lectures, and vows, the minister says they have one final test: they must abstain from relations for one week. All of them agree and go on their way.

When they return, the minister asks them how they did.

The first couple is in their...

Husband: "Honey, have you seen my car keys?"

Wife: "Here it is, but why don't you ever say our car..., our house..., our company...?"

*Husband starts searching through clothes*

Wife: "Now what the hell are you looking for?"

Husband: "Our undies."

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A young girl becomes a woman

And has her first period. She has no idea what's going and is a little freaked out. So she goes to her best friend Johnny and says "Johnny, something really weird is going on. I have no idea what's wrong!" Johnny says "Alright let me take a look."

So the girl drops her undies, pulls her ski...

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Mixed up presents

So this guy wants to make a nice gift for the girl he's recently started dating. He decides for a nice pair of gloves. Nice and romantic but not too personal. To pick a nice pair, he went to the store, accompanied by his sister. At the department store, the sister also bought a pair of undies for he...

Shopping back then

My pop was telling me about how back in the fifties you could get so much more from the shops.

Het tells me "we used to be able to go into grace brothers with ten dollars and come out with two pairs of socks, some new undies, a razor or two and a small bottle of aftershave."

Bu...

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A building supplies company placed an ad for an experienced warehouse person for their warehouse operation...

Bright (not that he could see it) and early the next morning in walks a guy wearing dark glasses and using a white cane.

"I've come about the timber sorting position", he tells the lady at reception.

A bit taken aback, she goes to get her husband, the boss.

He takes one look at...

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Rednecks at the Pearly Gates

Three rednecks in Arkansas are out drinking and four wheeling on Christmas Eve. They get drunk as a skunk, hit a tree, and all die and immediately go to heaven.

Saint Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and tells them that unless they have something on their person that can correspond to the...

Priest, daughter and mother.

One day a priest was walking by and saw a young girl climb a tree. He went over to her, looked up and saw that she had no underwear on. He called to her to come down and gave her $15 dollars for some undies.

The young girl told her mother that the priest gave her money to buy some underwear...

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Tommy goes to the doctor complaining about increased appetite and insatiable hunger.

The doctor asks for the symptoms and diagnoses that he has tapeworms. The doctor prescribes medication and asks to meet him in a week. Tommy comes back and says that it was ineffective and that he still feels hungry all the time.

The doctor prescribes new stronger medicine but even then T...
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