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Kiev Jokes

I've learned that "Chicken Kiev" is a misnomer

There's nothing chicken about them.

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is president Zelensky still in Kiev?

His humongous balls keep getting stuck in the doorway.

Putin lands with airplane in kiev airport

The immigration officer looks at his passport and asks:

Occupation?

Putin says:

No, this time just visit

jokes about the war in Ukraine I heard in Romania

Putin dies and goes to hell, but a few years later he gets permission to leave hell and to visit Moscow for a day -

Goes to a pub in Moscow, orders a few drinks and asks the bartender:

Crimea is still ours ? - Yes, bartender says

Donbas is still ours ? - Yes, ours

Is Kiev...

I rented some heavy lifting equipment in Kiev

from a company called You Crane.

Putin has bitten over too much and is choking.

At first he thinks it might be Russian Beef Stronganoff, but that is clearly wrong. Then he thinks it might have been the chicken Kiev. Then he realizes - there was never any chicken Kiev.

I joined a Ukrainian dating site

Now I have a chick in Kiev

If anyone's interested, my buddy has tickets for Champions League Final match (26th of May) in Kiev, Ukraine

He bought the tickets, but the damned fool forgot he was getting married that weekend. Anyone up for taking this off his hands?


The girl's name is Catherine and she's really lovely.

I saw a group of children crying during my visit to Kiev

so I said, "What Ukraine for?"

Putin is going through passport control.

He’s asked:
- “Final destination?”
- “Kiev”
- “Occupation?”
- “yes”

Putin dies and goes to hell....

Because of good behaviour he is allowed out for a few days and goes to Moscow, where he visits a bar. He orders a shot of vodka and asks:

\- Is Crimea ours?

\> Belongs to us.

\- And Donbas and Kiev?

\>Ours!

\- Perfect. How much is that?

\> Five euro...

~Enter new password.

- chicken.

~Password must contain at least one capital.

- chicken kiev

Horrible and funny, Funeral Home AS - Poland, authentic joke from their webpage

We are sorry that we did not speak, we are helping in Kiev to prepare 150,000 beds for Russian soldiers. Funeral Home AS, Bytom - Poland

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish rope merchant from New York was trying desperately to sell some of his goods in Louisiana. But wherever he went, he kept encountering Anti-Semitism.

In one particular department store, the buyer taunted him:

“All right, Jew. I’ll buy some of your rope. As much as reaches from the top of your big Jewish nose to the tip of your little Jewish penis.”

Two weeks later, the buyer was startled to receive a shipment containing ten thousand...

i hope it wasnt here already

Putin asks a fairy: Where will I be in april?

The fairy answers: I see you in a limo driving through kiev, the war between Russia and Ukraine has ended, everyone is cheering.

Putin: Am I waving to them?

Fairy: No, the coffin is closed.

Tim the Chicken

Tim was a nervous chicken.

He rarely went out in public and spent the majority of his life trying to blend in to the background.

And this devotion to anonymity followed Tim through his entire childhood and adolescence.

As Tim approached his eighteenth birthday, his one friend,...

What do you call poultry that glows in the dark?

Chicken Kiev

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Czech joke for you. (I think it is at least, it was written on page categorised as that)

A Russian soldier unit is flying to Chechnya and the Captain motivates soldiers: "Men, for every Chechen head you will get a bottle of vodka." The plane lands, the door breaks down, the soldiers scatter. In a few minutes they return and everyone has brought a couple of heads. The captain is all pale...

Russian foodie joke

A guy sitting in a restaurant in Moscow orders quail. When it arrives, using two spoons he carefully opens and peers into the rear of bird and announces, "This is not a quail. It is a simple chicken: born in Saint Petersburg, age: 3 years. Please, waiter, bring me a quail!"

Each subsequent d...

Ok, here's a really bad one

This one I've herd visiting Kiev before the shutdown:

The guy walks in a brothel and asks a hostess:
- Hi, I need a girl
- Ok, it's 50$ for 1 hour
- I don't have that much, do you have anything for 10$?
- Yes, let's go outside

They go around the brothel, a hostess places a ...

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