Nip Jokes - 41 Hilarious Nip Jokes

You don’t hear much about nip slips anymore.

They’re falling out of fashion.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Add a to it.

My wife comes from from the tattoo parlour

She has a tattoo right on her left

I ask her why, and she replies with,

"tat for "

What do you call a pop star with huge ?

Areola grande

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Catgirls don't have

They have cat nips

Two Irish men are walking to Dublin

We’ll call them Sean and Murphy. And they’re two Irish farm hands going to Dublin on their day off.

Sean falls and twists his ankle and says “Aye, Murph. I can’t go much farther. I’ll just nip into this bar off the road and you can get me on yer way back.”

Murphy says, “alright, Sean...

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My doctor put me on a strict vegan diet, but every Monday I’m allowed a cheat day

So I nip out and his wife.

Why do barbie dolls have purple nips?

Because GI Joes have kung fu grips ...

I know how to nip March Madness in the bud.

Just look for signs of brooding antisocial February fever.

- Norm Macdonald

My first dad joke.

Nurse: so, this cream is like chapstick for your .

Me: ohhh so nip balm?

Girlfriend: please ignore him.

Dad jokes are coming in strong guys.

Visiting Nan's for Halloween

Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year.

An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore.

He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, "Why did you do that?" ...... "Forty years ago that very tortoise nipped my tail just for fun," the elephant said. "Wow" says the Zebra, "forty years ago! How did you remember that?" "That's easy" said the elephant. "...

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Two wives have a night out

They decide to walk home, but on the way both have a desperate need to pee.
They nip into a cemetery, do the deed and realise they have nothing to wipe themselves with.
So one uses her underwear and the other grabs a wreath and uses that.
Next day there husbands are talking on the phone, vo...

Me and my girlfriend had a party to go to last night..

My girlfriend and I had a party to go to last night, so we thought we'd nip to the shops to get some food to cook up and line our stomachs with.

So we got to the supermarket, collected all of our ingredients and what not, but then when we approached the checkouts there was a massive line, an...

What’s it called when a not important person sneaks into the VIP section of a ?

a NIP slip

My cat made an onlyfans account.

People love her cat-nips!

Walks into a bar...

Paddy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "sure and begorah I'll be havin' a bit of a nip to ward off the chills."
The bartender replies, "But it's 80 degrees outside!"
Paddy says, "Aye, but have ye seen the look in my wife's eye lately?"

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A poop walks into a bar.

He jumps up onto a bar stool and sits there for a moment, waiting to be served.

The barman spots the poop on the stool, looks around the bar and shouts, "HEY! How did this get here?!"

"Well, it's a long story... " says the poop, "basically, I woke up in the sewer last year and sudden...

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Little Johnny learns a lesson about karma...

Little Johnny finds out the neighbors dog had puppies so he goes over to play with them. Being a little boy he starts getting too rough.

The neighbor says, "be nice Johnny or karma will get you."

Johnny plays nice for a bit but starts getting rough again.

The neighbor says, "be ...

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What are without ?

Pointless

After four months of sobriety, my cat relapsed and started doing catnip again...

The worst kind of nip-slip.

So a African king calls all the men from his kingdom

And he says who ever can cross this river will take my daughters hand in marriage. The river had piranhas,crocodiles, and snakes in it. The men looked at each other and the king says do none of you want to marry my daughter?

Does no-one want to be rich and be the next king? All of a sudden t...

What gets a lonely IT guy excited?

NIPS

^^^I'm ^^^^so ^^^^^sorry

A Scotsman was running down the street with his mouth open...

He'd heard there was a nip in the air.

An elephant was drinking from a river...

When he noticed a turtle asleep on a log. He ambled up over and kicked it clear across the river.
'What did you do that for?' Asked a passing wombat.
'Because I recognised it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago'
'What a memory!!' Says the wombat.
'Yes,' said t...

What do you call it when an addict cat relapses on catnip?

A nip slip 😃

A joke from my uncle about two monkeys who were best friends...

I had two pet monkeys who were the best of friends, they did everything together. They went to the park together, they bathed together and even shared each others food.

One day i decided to nip to the shop to buy some milk, and upon my return i found that one monkey had fallen off the balcon...

A horse is in the pub having a few drinks...

... when he spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter".

Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything"....

A young librarian is amazed during his first day of work to see a chicken stride imto the library with a armful of books

The chicken walks up to him and deposits the books on the desk. Apart from a little pod weed on one of the covers, they are all in lending period, in fact, they had only been issued the previous day.

The chicken walks amongst the shelves muttering quietly:

"Book, Book, Book".

Th...

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A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

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I was making an apple pie and realised I was missing an important ingredient. [long]

I got a rather verbose birthday card some time back containing a story - this is my retelling of it:

I was making an apple pie and realised I was missing an important ingredient.

Unfortunately, I was up to my elbows in sticky mixture and didn't really want to have to go through the faf...

Ken Dodd doing a set at the Liverpool empire...

Ken Dodd doing a gig at the liverpool empire. Walked out at the interval and quietly nipped to the bar sat a couple tables away completely oblivious were two scouse blokes chatting between themselves first bloke says “what’s the difference between Ken Dodd and a coconut?”
Second bloke replies “I...

I Lost My Hat

One Sunday before a church service, a priest notices a man sitting in a pew who he has not seen in years.

The priest approaches and says, "Wow! I can't remember the last time I saw you here! What brings you here today?"

The man replies, "Good morning, father! Well you see, ten years ag...

A Scotsman Moves to London

A young man from the Highlands moved to the big city to seek his fortune. After settling in for a couple of weeks, his mum calls him to check in.

"How do ye like the city so far, son?" She asked him.

"Ma, it's just the most wonderful place in the world. So much to see and do. But my ne...

Three guys in a jacuzzi

Here's a little joke I know. Tell it freely.

Three guys, in a jacuzzi. First guy starts ringing; *brinnng brinnggg* "oh excuse me, that's my built in phone, I'll be right back" - He gets up and wanders away talking directly into his right hand.

Second fella, a while later, beeps a few ...

Offside rule for women

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.

I...

Three Men Arrive At the Pearly Gates

...and St. Peter, as he is wont to do, asks them how they got there.

The first man says "I got back to my apartment early from work. I found my wife lying on our bed naked, clearly excited and I put two and two together. I ran out to the living room and looked out the window. Down on the stre...

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A man tells his wife to run an errand

He says to his wife "Go to the store and pick up some broccoli."
So she heads to the local super market in search of the broccoli.

When she gets there she asks a man at the front desk

"Excuse me sir, where is the broccoli?"

He says "I'm sorry ma'am were out of broccoli."
...

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A woman in her 50's gets plastic surgery on a regular basis, now she's back at her surgeons office yet again.

The doctor politely states that "Since you are regularly getting nips, tucks, and lifting done you would be a perfect candidate for an experimental procedure that would all but eliminate the need for further operations." The woman is intrigued.

"What we do is install a small knob...

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Topical Jokes (5/16)

Another day has gone by. And, of course, we now have a new set of jokes. Some of these are weirder but let's begin!

Inside int'l experts believe that Kim Jong Un may have two babies by two different women. In a quick response to the rumor, President Obama has appointed a new consul to North K...

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Kim Kardashian goes for cosmetic surgery...

So Kim goes to a cosmetic surgeon to get an ol' nip and tuck of her private parts. Getting rid of useless skin that’s attached to you is the 'in' thing to do these days, you know (no, I’m not talking about Kayne). Of course, she would like everyone involved in the operation to keep the affair high...

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