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Crease Jokes

I went to my blonde doctor to ask what was wrong with me

I sat in the blonde doctor's office and told her I was feeling tired and short of breath. She took out her stethoscope, placed it against my chest and listened for a moment.

"You have an iron deficiency.", she said

"You can tell that just from listening to my heartbeat?", I asked.
<...

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The Sex Shop Fatality.

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and...

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During the late thirties the Nazi party hosted a friendly soccer game versus England. The Nazi's star goalkeeper was Hans Bratvender.

Late in the game Hans, overcome with Nationalist pride, turned to face the Chancellor's private box, stood to attention and gave a Nazi salute.

At that moment, the English forward kicked from outside the goal crease, and scored what would be the winning goal.

When asked later to explai...

I'm walking down the street when out of nowhere a shellfish falls out of the sky

and hits me in the head. Dazed, I pick up the mollusk and say "Where did you come from, little guy?" The shell creases open slightly and I hear it say "A tornado picked me and threw me. You better get somewhere safe, it's headed this way!" I look around and see mostly blue skies, except for a few cl...

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I was running late to the first match of the cricket season.

As the opener, I just had time to throw on the pads and head out to the non-strikers end.

To my amazement my opening partner with the strike was a horse.

I watched as the first ball was bowled, a nice length, which the horse easily dispatched back over the bowlers head for a 6.
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I'm writing a musical love story set in the '50s about 2 teens from the opposite sides of the tracks, falling in love during the National Origami Qualifiers.

I'm calling it "Crease."

The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."

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Woody Allen's Moose hunting joke

I shot a moose once. I was hunting upstate New York, and I shot a moose. And I strapped him onto the fender of my car. And I'm driving home along the West Side Highway, but what I didn't realize was that the bullet did not penetrate the moose. It just creased the scalp knocking him unconscious. And ...

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

It is early January of 1793. The commotion outside of the Castle of Versailles is growing louder by the minute. Louis XVI, however, is not bothered, as he is getting his new suit matched, pleated and frilled in his chambers by his favorite tailor.

"Ah yes, Poilon, superb work with the gold thread on my boot leather as per usual. And now: the silk pants with Morocco pearls."

"Y-your Majesty... I think they're breaking down the front wall."

"Nonsense! Clothe me or I shall have you beheaded!"

"Absolutely, your majesty! There...

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"I just deleted all the German names off my phone."

***"It's Hans free"***

*Funniest joke at this years Fringe by Darren Walsh.*

**The rest of the top ten.**

2 -"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

3 - "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

4 - "...

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One of the best I've ever heard: "The Graveyard Couple"

Mr. and Mrs. Thompkins, who've been very happy together for 12 years, currently, are experiencing a phase of boredom and stagnation. To change things up, Mr. Thompkins gets an idea: Have sex in a near-by graveyard.

With a mix of reluctance and excitement, Mrs. Thompkins agrees and they go off...

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

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