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Baggage Jokes

I was at the airport when I saw a guy fall unconscious on the baggage carousel.

He came around slowly.

A guy from Florida was suing American Airlines because an expensive piece of luggage wasn't at baggage claim when he landed in New York

He lost his case

A photon walks into a hotel and orders a room. The bellhop asks, “Can I carry your baggage to your room for you?”

The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

What do Captain Kirk and Mister Spock do to get their baggage up to their hotel room?

Tell a porter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

I hired a specialist aviation lawyer to deal with a dispute I had with an airport baggage handler.

He lost my case.

My short lived lawsuit against the airport baggage claim was thrown out

They made another brief case disappear

A baggage handler couldn’t understand how he caught COVID 19 but was discharged from hospital the next day.

The Doctor told him it was a brief-case.

A vulture is going through customs and the attendant asked if he has any baggage to check in.

The vulture says, “No, just my carrion.”

All my jokes are lost baggage...

You'll get them in a couple days

A mathematician is afraid of flying because of the risk of a terrorist bombing it in mid air. So he takes a bomb in his hand baggage

"The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero.

Why did the pilot ditch his ex-girlfriend?

Because she had way too much excess baggage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations...

Hey girl, are you an airport?

Coz you have so much baggage.

With Ryanair, the price of your Flight Ticket does not include baggage or meals.

Now it doesn't even include your flight!

Nerd joke

A photon walks up to an airline counter to buy a ticket and the clerk asks "any baggage to check?" The photon replies "No, I'm traveling light."

When John Kerry was running for Vice President he told Drew and Jim to load his baggage onto his plane until he got back. Then he forgot about them.

The Carey's carry on carrying on Kerry's carry-ons.

My suitcases overheard me saying I can’t afford a holiday this year.

Now I have emotional baggage.

An old lady goes to the Airport with her dog in a pet carrier.

She says to the ticket agent, “I am going to Israel with my dog and I want to make sure nothing happens to him. He is very important to me. Please take good care of him and I will reward you with $10,000”. The ticket agent says no problem and takes the pet carrier. She goes to the baggage handlers a...

A Man throws a stick

The stick lands on a car, the dog follows it.

The car goes to JFK airport, the dog follows it. 'Come back!' Yelled the man, but to no avail.

The stick lands in baggage, the dog goes into another baggage in hopes of finding the stick.

The respective owners of the baggages are bot...

Dear people, don't carry your emotional baggage with you

Use your grief-case

When checking in for his flight, the wedge-tailed eagle was asked: Would you like to check some baggage or purchase an in-flight meal?

The eagle replied: No thanks. I'll just have my carrion.

An airplane joke

The pilot comes on the speaker

Pilot: "Now that we are in the air I figured I'd lighten it up with a joke. Knock knock"

Passengers "Whose there?"

Pilot: "Superman"

Passengers: "Superman who?"

Pilot: "You're at forty thousand feet, it's either me, or a really unluck...

What do you call a Hobbit who isn't over their Ex?

Bilbo Baggage.

No vacation

With the high cost of gas and the airlines canceling flights right and left, I've come to the realization I won't be taking a vacation this year. I even told my luggage that as I sadly put them in storage. Now I'm dealing with a lot of emotional baggage.

I've started dating a shopaholic

She comes with a lot of baggage

What's the difference between an airplane and your ex?

The airplane carries less baggage.

In his job, my dad's never lost a case.

That makes him Heathrow's top baggage handler.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As migration approached, two elderly vultures

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

...

I just told my suitcases we aren't going on vacation this year

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage

Back when the pandemic first hit, I had to tell my suitcase that my travel plans were cancelled.

Since then, I've constantly had to deal with emotional baggage.

I called my ex Delta

Because they had the same amount of baggage as the airline.

I had to break it to my luggage that there'd be no vacation this year ...

... and now I have to deal with a lot of emotional baggage.

I ran into my old girlfriend at the airport,

boy she has a lot of baggage.

I turned myself in to TSA today for past issues with my mom

I apparently misunderstood what they meant by unattended baggage

I’m the Southwest Airlines of men.

Baggage is included.

What do airports and single parents have in common?

You need to tend to your baggage at all times.

What is empty and spins round and round?

A Malaysian Airlines baggage claim.

A Russian, an American and a Vietnamese were on a private plane together.

At 10,000 feet, the plane started encountering some problems and the pilot announced: "Gentlemen, I'm afraid we are running out of fuel, we will need to throw our baggage away to reduce the weight if we wish to land safely!"

He then opened the door and asked the passengers to begin letting go...

3 lads are in a train

One from Italy, one from Germany and one from France. They don't have tickets and see the ticket inspector coming. They start to panic and run to the baggage Waggon to hide. The Italian jumps into a cabinet, the French into a big box and the German into a huge bag. The inspector following them but t...

I've never lost a single case in my career

I'm the best baggage handler at LAX.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I believe every therapist deserves full flight benefits with any airline.

They carry so much baggage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Internet browsers were girlfriends

**Firefox** is like that freaky chick that lets you do anything in bed, but has a lot of baggage that just weighs you down. Often you're caught considering those pros vs cons when evaluating staying with her.

**Chrome** is the chick that's half your age, is full of young spunky attitude, is ...

A Photon checks in at an airline front counter. Agent says...

Sir, do you have any checked baggage?'

Photon replies, 'No, I'm travelling light.'

Why do vultures find it easy to fly?

They only ever have carrion baggage.

So my girlfriend hurriedly left me for another man halfway across the world...

... and in her rush she left behind all of her baggage

I could never date a suitcase

Just too much baggage for me I guess

Airline Prices

Airline prices are getting out of control, soon they will start charging for emotional baggage. "Where did he touch you as a kid? that will be an extra $50."

Why did the airport luggage checker refuse to date the depressed man?

he had to much baggage

Fidel Castro died and went to heaven.

When he arrived there, Jesus said that his place was in hell.

Arriving there, Fidel was received with honors by Satan.

In a certain moment, he remembered he had forgotten his baggage in Heaven and he wanted to look for them but Satan said to him: "Stay here, I will send two little demo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Let me tell you a story about why I don’t take hitchhikers anymore

So one time I’m driving down a country road with a friend. A hitchhiker signals us to stop, asks where we are headed and we agree to give him a ride.

Now the guy has a huge bag. I’m talking about the same size as a person kind of bag, we had trouble fitting it in the back. But at this point ...

I saw a person with a backpack and a messenger bag.

Talk about some serious baggage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You are moving cross country. FedEx agrees to fly all your belongings over. During the flight the plane is unable to maintain lift.

The pilot asks you to lose some baggage. What do you lose ?

The fridge.

Why ?

Cause it's heavy. Why is the fridge heavy ?

Cause it has a fucking giraffe in it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

A pilot finds a solution

A man in his early 60’s has been a pilot for over 30 years. Between his flights, he usually enjoys a warm cup of coffee while reading the newspaper.

One day, as he is reading the news, he stumbles across an article that immediately catches his attention. The headline of the article says:
<...

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.

He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player.

After an uneventful flight and some t...

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