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Locker Jokes

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Four women were chatting in the locker room (nsfw)

When one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation: jerking off, wanking, spanking the monkey, and so on... there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.

"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.

"But that's just...

A cell phone rings in a locker room, A man answers the phone...

*He puts it on speaker*

Man: "Hello!"

Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall and I just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it?

Man: "Sure!"

Woman: "Oh, and I just stopped by at the L...

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

I went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar...

But they only gave me 3 quarters.

What is Sir Mix-A-Lot's locker combination?

36-24-36

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Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.

He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. ...

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A principal notices a Post-It on a locker.

"Jocks of JFK High! This small change in diet can boost your physique FOREVER! Head to the gym to find out how!"

Puzzled, he pulls it off and continues down the hall. Just a few lockers down, another catches his eye.

"Hey goth girls! Tired of dark eyeliner that just runs all day? One ...

Why is it so hard to understand middle schoolers in the locker room?

Because of their overwhelming axe-scents

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In the locker room after the game...

The guys have finished playing, have showered, and are getting dressed. Dennis pulls out a black lace bra and panties and starts to put them on.

His team mates begin laughing, and making fun of him. The coach asks, "Hey, Dennis! Since when did you start wearing women's underwear?"

...

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Two races horses trot into a locker room, one jumps into the hot tub while the winning horse went and stood next to his locker. The horse in the hot tub says

" How could you have won the race? You were in Last Place on the final turn"

The winning Horse says "Ok, this is going to sound VERY STRANGE, but I felt a Red Hot Poker stick me in the ass, and I took off running. Passing everyone, scared the hell out of my Jockey too."

About that t...

When I was in high school I wished that could be invisible so that I could sneak in the girls locker room.

Now I’m married And a beautiful woman takes her clothes off in front me and pretends I’m invisible every day!

2 girls walk out of the locker room at the NBA finals tonight. . .

One looks at the other and says "I can't believe I just blew 15 Bucks in there"

Naked old men in locker rooms...

I was going to make a joke about this, but it's such low hanging fruit.

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You are like a poop smudge in a boys’ locker room

You won’t go anywhere until somebody pisses you off.

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Two ladies are in the gym locker room ....

changing into their running outfits. One lady notices her friend's tummy and asks: "Sara, why is there wax in your belly button?" Sara says, "Oh, you'll never believe how romantic my boyfriend can be. He just loves to eat by candlelight."

Did you hear about the kid who got caught looking into the girl's locker room?

Well I heard he peeked in high school

A dozen guys are changing in the golf club's locker room

Suddenly, a cell phone starts ringing. One of the guys answers it.

'Hi!'

'Hi honey, it's me,' says a female voice. 'Are you still at the golf club?'

'Yeah.'

'Wonderful! I'm two streets away. I just saw this amazing Persian fur coat. It's truly marvelous. Can I buy it?'...

A man is getting dressed in the gym locker room when the cellphone on the bench next to him begins to ring.

He answers, "Hello?"

"Hi, honey. I'm at that furniture store and, I know we talked about this before, but that dining room set is on sale for $900 and I just don't think I can pass it up this time-"

"Don't worry about it, babe," replied the man. "If it's on sale, you go ahead and pick ...

The invisible man heads to the ladies locker room...

they didn't see him coming.

Once there was an inflatable boy.

He lived in his inflatable house with his inflatable parents, and every morning when the inflatable clock struck seven, he would come down the inflatable stairs and eat his breakfast at the inflatable table, then go and catch the inflatable bus to his inflatable school.

But one day for some r...

Who deodorizes the Saints locker room after a game?

Drew Fe-Brees...

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A man is showering up in a locker room

with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it ...

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[NSFW] One time after swimming class with 3th grade the boys in the locker room noticed that I wasn't circumcised.

I first noticed it when I heard some whispering while getting changed. Eventually in class they where still talking about it the whole time. During recess a group of kids came to me to ask if they can see it. First I was a little shy, but after some pear pressure I gave in.
So we went to the toil...

A football coach of an all Redneck team walked into the locker room before a game,...

looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay,...

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a Golf club.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H – Husband, W ...

Where would you store a T-Rex on a submarine?

Inside the small arms locker.

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

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Two men are changing in a locker room . . .

When one of the men notices that the other has a cork up his butt. He politely asks why it is that the man has a cork stuck in his butt. The other man explains that one day as he was walking along the beach, he noticed a lamp resting in the sand. He rubbed it three times, not really expecting anythi...

They found a hole in the wall at the University's girl's locker room.

The police are looking into it.

Sports Enthusiasts

I got hired by my local baseball team to keep the players cool in the locker room. It was a difficult job because I'm not a fan.

Super Bowl tickets

Short notice, but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl. They are box seats that he spent $5,700 a piece for which includes transportation to and from the stadium, open bar, and a pass to the winners locker room.

What he did not realize was last year when he purchased them th...

Frank is in the locker room at a gym when his buddy Howard walks in.He begins to undress when suddenly Frank notices he's wearing a girdle.

"How long you been wearing that thing?"Frank asks.

"Ever since my wife found them in the glovebox."Howard smugley replied.

You've probably heard of Davy Jones' locker, but do you know who Davy Jones is?

He's a Sea-Monkee.

"This is the biggest game of your life," my coach said.

Everyone was nervous, including me, and he wasn't making things easier.

He followed-up with, "Pretend like you're are going into combat."

That was it. That was the spark I needed. I waited for his back to be turned, and when it was, I snuck out of the locker room and started making my ...

Two guys are in the locker room changing, and one guy puts on a pair of panties. "jeezus, when did you start wearing womens panties?" the 1st guy asks.

"Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment!"

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I walked into a locker room today, and saw a bunch of members of Donald Trump's new administration standing around completely nude…

… I've never seen so many Goldman sacks!

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Apparently, an NFL football player sat his team down, in a locker room, and told them he was gay.. and they didn't tell anyone.

When I was in high school, the football team sat ME down and told ME I was gay, and then told everyone.

Two women were dressing in the locker room after their aerobics class when one noticed that the other was pulling on a pair of men's briefs. "So when did you start wearing men's underwear?" the first asked.

"Ever since my husband found a strange
pair under the bed."

The headmaster of a school arranges a meeting with a student's parents

"I'm sorry to inform you but your son has been blowing smoke in the locker-rooms everyday for around a week" The headmaster says

"What? I can assure you i have no idea where he learns such things! Could You call him here please?" The woman asks, angrily

A few minutes later a boy arrive...

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One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the ...

Gym Shoes (Based on a Real Story)

I’m in the locker room and after I put on my gym clothes I realize I don’t have my shoes in my gym bag. Go back to my car, not there.

Now I don’t work out much, which means getting myself to the gym is actually harder than the workout and I can’t waste an opportunity like this. So I notice ...

Today I was asked out by about 30 women.

It was in the women's locker room, but that's still pretty impressive.

Rumor has it that Lionel isn't popular with his teammates at Paris Saint-Germain.

He tends to leave the locker room a little Messi.

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One day at the gym

a mobile laying on the locker room bench rings. A guy walking back from the showers taps the speakerphone button.

"Hello?" he answers, as he turns away to his locker.

"Hi, honey!" the voice chirps. "The realtor called. The seller rejected our offer and countered with double the li...

I've been squatting at the gym.

I sleep in one of the lockers. So far I haven't been busted.

What does a pirate do before working out at the gym?

Changes in Davy Jones's locker room.

That pro-crime culture is getting ridiculous!

My little brother's teacher asked "Who shot Abraham Lincoln?". He answered "John Wilkes Booth", and the next recess, his locker had "STOP SNITCHING" painted on it.

When I go to the pool

When I go to the pool, I set my phone to update while it sits in my locker. That way I can sync and swim at the same time.

A defense Lawyer was cross-examining a police officer

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who pr...

A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a giant orange head. Sensing the weird looks he was getting, the 2nd guy says "I'm guessing you are wondering what happened? Well, it's a long story..."

"But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me three wishes..."
"That's amazing! What happened?“
“Well for my first wish I asked for an end to world hunger.“
"Wow! That's really generous of you! What else did you wish for?"...

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The Pretzel Hold

An American wrestler is competing in the Olympics and is slated to go up against Ivan Bortski, the Russian champ. Coach pulls him aside and says, "Listen this is Bortski the champion. Whatever you do, don't let him get you into the Pretzel Hold, his most famous move. You won't win if he gets you int...

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So Trump is working with Putin on cybersecurity...

In other news, the principal at my school is working with the boys to install a surveillance system to insure privacy in the girls' locker room.

Two men meet at the gym

Two men meet at the gym to work out, they haven’t been able to since COVID. Afterwards they’re in the locker room changing when one of them looks over and notices his friend putting on women’s underwear. Since when do you wear women’s underwear, he asked? Since my wife found them in the glove compar...

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This girl told me my shoes were "fucking ugly"

So me being who I am, I took a trip to Foot Locker. I came back about 2 hours later.

"Hey so I went to the shoe store..."

The girl looked at my shoes, disguised.

"You didn't get any new shoes..."

I looked at her very confused

"OH no I wasn't going to buy shoes, I ...

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A teacher walks into class...

And he says, "Everyone, turn in your homework."

The first student says, "I left mine in my locker."

The teacher says, "Theres no one in the hallway, so you go get it!"

The second student says, "I left mine in the library."

The teacher says, "Be very quiet, but you go get ...

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3 students at a high school get into trouble and are put on detention after school.

But instead of just sitting in a classroom they are tasked with helping the school Janitor clean the school basement.

So they set about clearing the basement. They find loads of old junk, which had accumulated over the 80 years the school had been open.

After about an hour of movi...

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An 75 year-old man arrives at a nudist resort.

After checking in, he is given the keys to his suite. As he goes to his new suite butt naked, he sees a gorgeous 20 year-old blonde heading his way, and immediately gets an erection.

"Did you call for me?" asks the blonde.

"What do you mean?" asks the man.

"We have rules here th...

Courtesy of The Legendary Ken M; The ideal superpower is invisibility...

Because it allows you to keep an unseen lookout for perverts in the women's locker room.

We came, we saw...

And we were told to get out of the girls' locker room.

Back when Stormy Daniels was in high school, none of her fellow classmen realized she would go down in history.

Guys were usually getting it in the gym locker room or behind the teacher's parking lot.

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The nudest colony. NSFW. Long.

A man retired after over 30 years working for the Postal Service.

He decided that he was going to fulfill his lifelong desire to join a nudist colony.

After some research he found a nude beach that fit all of his criteria. On one beautiful Saturday he decided to go and visit. He arrive...

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When I was a kid, I used to hate gym class.

I hated the whole locker room; I was never comfortable taking off my clothes in front of other young boys.

Now that I'm a priest, I don't mind so much.

The animals were bored.

Finally the lion had an idea. He tells the other animals how he's seen the humans play a game called American football. He proceeded to tell them how it's played and explained its rules. This got them excited.

They chose their teams and went out to an open field. The lion's team received, and...

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Help, my wife is missing!!!

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never ...

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A wife on her deathbed.

An old man is at his wife's deathbed in their home.

The old woman whispers to her husband.

"My husband, I want to show you something before I pass."

The husband replies "what is it my dear? I'll do anything you ask.."

"I want you to open the chest locker at the foot of th...

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I need new pals. So I was at my locker before class with all the stuff I like in front of me, attached to yarn. "What're you doing?" asks the Principal. "Fishing for a new friend group. This is stuff Im into they may like." I said. "You cant leave this stuff laying here." He says. So I say "Why..."

It's just clique bate.

Why did the fish get suspended from his school

He had seaweed in his locker

I guess the reason they could never find Matt Lauer is because...

there are no cameras in the girls locker rooms.

What do you call a shoe shop at the bottom of the sea?

Davy Jones's foot locker.

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Last night on live PD

My dad and I were watching two people in a car get an inspection from an officer who deduced that the female had stuck crack cocaine in her personal locker. The cop explains that if she doesn't come clean with it she'll face two charges. She bends over and starts digging in her rectum to try and ret...

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The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"

The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. ...

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An very old professor decided to undertake a research project...

He wanted to determine if a group of poorly treated, anti-social rats could develop friendly relationships with one another if they used team work to complete a complicated task.

At first, he set the rats a goal of stealing his colleagues stationary, without the colleague catching them in the...

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A fat businessman joins a gym... [NSFW]

As he emerges from the shower in the locker room one of the trainers notices him toweling off.

"You must be a new member here", the trainer says. "What caused you to join our gym?"

"Well," says the businessman, "I've been getting out of shape for so long, I realized one day that it's b...

A butler

… was dusting of the bookshelves when the phone rang. He picked up
“This is James speaking, at your service”
“James, is my wife at home?”
“Yes, sir”
“And is she alone?”
“No, sir”
“Is she with my lawyer?”
“Yes, sir”
“And is she in her bedroom?”
“I’m afraid so, sir”
“I se...

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The pretzel hold

So the wrestling coach comes up to jimmy. "Listen Jimmy, I've seen this kid wrestle 3-4 times. Hes got this pretzel hold man and if he gets you in it your done. Over. So IDK how to avoid it or what but whatever you do watch for that pretzel hold."

Match starts. Not 2 seconds in Jimmies in a ...

I'm very popular at the gym.

Girls always approach saying things like, "Hey, this is the women's locker room."

[OC] I just spent my morning break writing this joke.

Jeff had spent most of his adult life in prison for a string of drug offenses and theft. He is finally being released at 28 years old after a decade in prison.

He approaches his jailhouse lover, Vince, a former English teacher and schoolboy fondler. Vince was a little sad to say goodbye, and...

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The Perfect Penis.

A boy becomes curious about a certain body part he sees in the locker room.

He goes home to his dad and asks him about what he saw. His dad says, “Son, follow me.” They walk to the restroom and as the son closes the door, the dad unzips his pants and pulls them down.

“Son, this right h...

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You guys ever hear the one about little tyrome?

so little tyrome is in the locker room getting changed for gym class. He notices that he has the biggest penis in his class and from the looks of it the whole third grade. He goes home that day and asks his dad, "hey dad, ive got the biggest penis in the third grade. is it because im black?" His dad...

A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.

“Your honor,” the cop began “my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character.”

“Objection, your honor!” Said the plaintiff’s lawyer.

“Sustained,” said the judg...

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The Pretzel hold

For years, there has been the champ, and nobody has been able to beat him because of his "pretzel hold". Eventually, this wrestler was good enough to beat the champ, except for the pretzel hold. He got his chance, and took to the ring. Within Minutes, he was slammed into the Pretzel hold, and the cr...

Penn State Prefers to be losing at half time..

Because at Penn State they like when you are a little behind in the locker room. - South Park

Rich guy showing off.

In a locker room, a phone rings and Kenny picks it up and puts it on speaker.

Kenny- "Hello?".

Woman- "Hi honey!".

Kenny- "Whos this?".

Woman- "Its amanda. Your wife?".

Kenny- "Oh! Sorry honey, I just picked
up the phone and didnt see who was calling. What ...

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A member at a golf club

Joe is a member of his local golf club. He walks into the locker room after finishing his round and sees his friend Tim with an annoyed look on his face.

"Hey Tim, were you playing today?" Asks Joe

"Yeah, wasn't very good though, had a Princess Diana round" replied Tim

"A Prince...

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