Tried Jokes - 82 Hilarious Tried Jokes

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I tried to translate joke from Arabic

Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands,
One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with John I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it"

next day they the second wo...

I tried dating a cougar once.

Turned out she was a cheetah.

I tried donating blood today. Never again!!

Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket???

I tried to buy a Mortal Kombat soundtrack.

All I could find were Finnish Hymns.

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But I refused.

If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...

It went in one ear and out the other.

My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today

"It tastes like dirt!"

I told him it was just ground this morning.

Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning.

He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.

Pearl Jam tried to warn us about Ticketmaster in the Nineties. We didn't listen.

Probably because we couldn't understand what Eddie Vedder was saying.

I tried to make a coronavirus joke a while back

Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.

I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

A blonde tried to sell her old car...

She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250 000 miles.

One day she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her,

“There is a way to make the car easier to sell but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde.

“O...

Tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork…

Think I nailed it!

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I tried to force feed my child...

After a while, my wife said, "Just use a fucking spoon Mike, you're not a Jedi."

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I tried jabbing a hole in my condom to get my girlfriend pregnant…

Now I just need to figure out how to get my dick to stop bleeding

A man tried to sell me a coffin today.

I told him that's the last thing I need.

Prisoner: I’m sorry I tried to escape.

Guard: I’m not mad, just........disappointed.

Remember, kids, never let your guard down.

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I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

I tried changing my password to "brazildefense" but Reddit said it was too weak

hope you find it funny!

I tried to start farming crows, until I was arrested.

They charged me with attempted murder.

I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.

He’s a giant banner after all.

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My ex-wife tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I had a micro dick...

She was in for a shock, when they all disagreed.

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I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he's not buying it, in fact he's still making fun of me.
Edit: Thanks for the karma, and damn Reddit is not shy about telling internet strangers they pooped in their pants.
Edit 2: Thank you kind stranger for giving me my first gold on a poop joke, I wouldn't have expected it any other...

My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.

She has selfie steam issues.

I tried to be an Uber driver...

Trouble is, my passengers didn’t appreciate when I went the extra mile.

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I once tried to kill a spider with axe bodyspray

but he survived and now wont shut the fuck up about crossfit

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic...

He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater...

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

I tried to catch some fog but....

I mist

Did you know that William Shatner once tried to start up his own line of lingerie for women?

Unfortunately for him, Shatner Panties was a terrible brand name.

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I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes

[Obligatory edit: top submitted post is about butt plugs. Wowza! Also, thank you, kind Redditor for the gold! I can't believe a gilded joke is about sex toys :)]

I tried to remarry my ex-wife

but She figured out I was only after my money.

I tried to call the tinnitus hotline

But it just kept ringing

A woman tries getting on a bus but realises her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed & with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this...

I tried to teach my kid to count to ten but he just says “1, 3, 5, 7, 9”

He literally can’t even

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If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

I've never tried cow tipping before.

How much do you usually pay them?

I tried to look up lighters in Amazon.

All they had was 13,749 matches.

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he is not buying it, in fact he is still making fun of me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried being polite by holding the door open for a lady

She kept yelling, "I'm peeing in here!"

What a bitch.

Ever tried blindfolded archery?

You don't know what you're missing

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

I tried sorting r/Jokes by new

But all the results were from 13 years ago.

A man walked into a magic forest and tried to cut down a talking tree

“You can’t cut me down,” the tree complained. “I’m a talking tree!”

The man responded, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

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I tried to find a porn director willing to hire me as a performer, but I couldn't...

Apparently I didn't look hard enough.

*(As you can probably tell by how stupid it is, I wrote this one myself.)*

I tried to argue Skyrim was the best game

..but I was down voted to oblivion.

I tried to send Sean Bean a death threat

He mistook it for a job offer. :(

I tried so hard

And got sofa !!
But in the end it doesn't even mattress !!

A guy tried to tell me about a tool that makes holes in hard materials, but I stopped him.

I know the drill.

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to commit suicide?

She closed her garage door

and sat in her Tesla

while she left it running

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried erotic suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having sex.

She obviously didn't like it. She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!

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[NSFW] A wife tried to cut off her husband's penis and missed.

She should've been charged for more, but only ended up getting charged with a Misdaweiner.

McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

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A NSFW joke I tried to translate from Turkish

A group of bandits raided a village. They said to the women of the village; "To save the life of your family, you have to identify your husband by sucking his dick."

They blindfolded women and lined up the men of the village in a mixed order, and a few of the bandits became involved.

T...

One time I tried to marry my phone...

I wanted to make it my Wifi

And I felt a really strong connectio

I thought I saw all the right signals

Plus I really wanted to tap that

So I gave it a ring

Turns out it was already engaged

Besides, I wasn't its type

We would have been such a great we...

Did you hear somebody tried to hack Caesars Palace?

It wasn't in the cards.

They tried their best, but no dice.

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.

But he left me hanging.

Four men tried out for a local play

and got the parts of mints who were all down on their luck and had no money. The critics hated it and said it was a really bad poor four mints.

I've never tried chicken...

Every time I go to eat it I have to throw it in the bin because it smells fowl.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to make a joke about Dominos Pizza.

But, I fucked up the delivery.

I tried to hit on an IT woman

After three attempts she locked me out.

I tried cutting wood by just looking at it, and it worked!

I saw it with my own two eyes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to explain dyslexia to my friend

But i couldnt find the right anal orgy

My mum got really annoyed when I tried to tickle my little sister's feet...

she said something about 'waiting till she was born'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried phone sex today

I ended up with hearing aids

I once tried to create a comedy routine based on the myth of Orpheus.

Looking back, it was a bad idea.

My friend and I tried to start an erectile dysfunction club...

...but it flopped and nobody came.

I tried to come up with a joke about restraining orders.

But this is as close as I’m allowed to get.

I tried my best to translate this from Romanian

A nun walks into a bar and goes straight to the bartender

Nun: Hi! May I use your bathroom?

Bartender: Sure thing! But before you go in there's something you should know.

Nun: Yes?

Bartender: When you walk in, there's gonna be a statue of a dude wearing nothing but a lea...

3 Mexicans tried to cross the border,but only 2 got through.Why?

There was a sign that said no tres passing.

"Ma'am, we brought your husband in. He was at the bar door so drunk that every time we tried to get him up, he fell over!"

The woman: "Are you kidding me? Where's his wheelchair?"

I tried to translate my German grandfathers' favorite joke

A woman walks past a pet shop. In front of the store there is a cage with a parrot, that suddenly starts talking to the woman: "You're ugly"
The woman quickly walks away.

At the next day the woman again walks past the shop and the parrot again says "You're ugly".
This time the woma...

Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels.

I’ve been working on it tirelessly.

Tried cheering up a customer

But he's not buying it

I told my son he couldn't get a fidget spinner because his dad and I have tried so hard to make sure he didn't become autistic...

Unfortunately he died of measles a couple days ago

I tried setting a password for my new Reddit account.

I put in “MyDick”.

It said the password was too short.

I tried to start a hot air balloon company

but it never really took off.

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves

Looks like the boa cons tricked her

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