My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

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A girl smoked some weed and tried to give me a blowjob. She just ended up sucking my chest.

She was too high

I tried to make a corona virus joke last year.

Nobody laughed at the time, but eventually everyone got it.

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out: 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him."

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how did that cure him?"
The neighbor said, "His name is Bill."

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I tried sending a dick pick.

Got an alert back saying "Unable to send message, file too large"

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I tried Phone sex once.....

but the holes were too small...

I tried to collect some wool and milk from my farm and the animals went crazy.

It was shear and udder panic.

When I was 16, my folks tried to surprise me with a car…

They missed.

I tried climbing that tower in Paris..

but Eiffel.

I tried to tell my friend a Nirvana joke…

I told them them the same joke four times and they still didn’t get it.

Whatever, never mind.

I tried catching fog the other day...

Mist..

I tried borrowing the book 1984 but it was out of stock

Literally 1984

What did the Atheist mother say to her Catholic son when he tried to say grace?

"Don't pray with your food"

I have tried all my life multiplying really large numbers by zero.

That amounted to nothing.

My mechanic tried to scam me because he didn’t think I knew about cars

I took my car to get an oil change and they were like “would you like us to rotate your tires?” I was like “Ummm. I rotated them a bunch on the way over jackass!”

I tried to stop making innuendos, but it was hard.

So. Hard.

I once tried to eat a clock.

it was pretty time consuming

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[NSFW] A wife tried to cut off her husband's penis and missed.

She should've been charged for more, but only ended up getting charged with a Misdaweiner.

The emo kid tried to high five the tree

The tree left him hanging

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord

This weirdo in the bathroom tried talking to me while I was on the toilet.

Just because the stall door is open doesn’t mean I’m here to chat. Jeez, have some boundaries dude.

What happened when the Dalai Lama tried to return to Tibet?

It created Lhasa problems

There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......

One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"

The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...

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Anyone know of a cure for sex addiction?

I’ve tried fucking everything

I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...

It went in one ear and out the other.

I tried to find an anagram for "napping idiots."

The result was disappointing.

A nun tried to kiss me...

and I said, "Woah, woah, woah, sister. I don't want to get into a habit."

I asked my bartender if he had ever tried putting sliced oranges in a beer.

He replied, “Once in a blue moon.”

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

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Favorite Norm MacDonald joke I heard live

PREFACE: Several years ago Norm was doing standup in Vegas. it was at the South Point casino, a little ways off the strip. At the same time there was a rodeo going on as well. Forget the name of the rodeo but it was advertised as being LGBT friendly. So thus it was known as the "gay rodeo"
<...

Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It's time consuming... especially if you go back for seconds...

I tried watching LGBT movies to celebrate Pride month

but I need to pay extra for LGBT Plus

What did the bull say to the milkman, when he tried milking him?

take the udder one!

I tried asking girls out at a Star Wars convention

I've been looking for love in Alderaan places.

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

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Bloke goes into the chemist and asks if they sell Durex. The lady said I'm sorry, were all out. Have you tried Boots?

He said I want to Shag her, not kick her fucking head in!

A miser tried to shoplift for a few smaller items

She was arrested for a salt and battery

So this guy tried convincing me he was a ghost.

But i saw right through him.

I tried to buy a Mortal Kombat soundtrack.

All I could find were Finnish Hymns.

I tried telling my 4 year old nephew that it’s perfectly fine to accidentally poo your pants…

But he’s not buying it. In fact, he’s still making fun of me

Some guy just tried to tell me i can't be 443 years old and i don't undertand roman numerals

i'm LIVID

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.

I lost my case.

I tried incubating some chicks but turns out my rooster is sterile.

Oh well.
No harm, no fowl.

I tried donating blood today. Never again!!

Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket???

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Sperm count

An 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which wa...

Russian acrobats shouldn't have tried to complain when the guy at the base of the human pyramid, quit for no reason.

They didn't have Oleg to stand on.

I tried writing a remake of my favourite Nic Cage film but set in Ireland

After all, who wouldn't enjoy Con Aer Lingus

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

I tried to buy something from a perfume vending machine, but it was broken.

It just had a sign on it that said "Out of Odor".

3 Mexicans tried to cross the border,but only 2 got through.Why?

There was a sign that said no tres passing.

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Do you want to know what happened to the guy who tried watching Two Girls One Cup on his trip to Michigan?

He couldn't watch it. Can't have shit in Detroit.

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NSFW My wife and I tried oral sex yesterday

I asked her if she wanted to have sex.

She said me, fuck you.

I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but I was outbid at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true:

You can't win a mall.

Tried to rob my first bank today...

...the lines were too long.

Police found a dead body with sperm in its mouth...

I guess someone tried to inject new life into it

I tried to research what the term “confirmation bias” means

All I found was a bunch of fake news, so I stopped reading

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Tried telling my girlfriend she needed to lose a few pounds ...

... but it blew up into a huge-ass argument.

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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

I tried to come up with a good vaccine joke but what's the point.

Half of Americans won't get it anyways.

Mike Tyson once tried to fight the Blair Witch right here in Maryland

He swung at her but he myth'd.

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I tried to translate joke from Arabic

Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands,
One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with John I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it"

next day they the second wo...

What did the iron say to the gold when it tried to wake him up?

AU, get out of here!

Two girlfriends talk

* So, Stacy, have you tried ... you know ..., *the other hole* with your boyfriend?
* Are you crazy?! We don't want any kids!

I tried to open a restaurant that offers faster seating to vegetarians...

But this created too many upset steakholders

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to find a porn director willing to hire me as a performer, but I couldn't...

Apparently I didn't look hard enough.

*(As you can probably tell by how stupid it is, I wrote this one myself.)*

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I once tried to buy a house on an old Indian reservation.

When I asked if it came with running water the chief told me “Fuck off and find your own wife”

I tried to write an article about a recent bedding scandal.

But all the other news agencies had it covered.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night the wife and I tried a 68.

She gave me a blow job and I told her I owe her 1.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to kill a spider by spraying it with a whole can of White Rain hair spray

But that didn't work, now it's wearing blue eye shadow and chain smoking Virginia Slims.

I TRIED Chris Hemsworth’s workout regimen.

It works. I was really Thor for theveral days..

A man tried to sell me a coffin today.

I told him that's the last thing I need.

So I tried transmitting a joke over some old infrared equipment I had laying around.

Let's just say it wasn't well received.

Ive tried lockpicking once

i still dont know wich one to choose

Did you hear about the Canadian being tried for treason?

He wouldn’t apologize.

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A whale of a tale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the sam...

Found an Funny Indian Joke and tried to translate it.

An Indian politician was visiting a foreigner politician. He saw foreigner politicians had a big house and 2 luxury cars. He askes him how is it possible as the salary of a politician is not that much. Foreigner politician took Indian politician on drive and said

"do you see this 10 lanes hig...

I was babysitting my brother's cat and he called to check on her

Me: She's dead

Brother: OMG, that's not how you break news to someone about a beloved pet!

Me: Then how?

Brother: You say: I am afraid I have some bad news. Your cat escaped, went outside, and started chasing a squirrel. The squirrel ran up onto the roof and the cat gave chase....

I tried my best to translate this from Romanian

A nun walks into a bar and goes straight to the bartender

Nun: Hi! May I use your bathroom?

Bartender: Sure thing! But before you go in there's something you should know.

Nun: Yes?

Bartender: When you walk in, there's gonna be a statue of a dude wearing nothing but a lea...

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn’t connect to the server

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A businessman was going on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

So he went to a sex shop and started looking around. He goes up to the clerk and explains his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, strap ons, eggs, bullets, wing-wangers and fling-flongers..."

The Businessman in...

I tried to come up with a joke about restraining orders.

But this is as close as I’m allowed to get.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You never know what you’re missing.

I tried to remarry my ex-wife

but She figured out I was only after my money.

When my Girlfriend tried to kiss me in front of my friends, i quickly shut her down.

She looked at me with big disappointed eyes and asked me "Are you ashamed of beeing seen kissing me?"

When i told her i was, she ran of crying.


I felt really bad for the rest of the day, but i just can't lie to my own family

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