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Toys Jokes

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Why are neo-Nazis the highest per-capita consumers of men's sex toys?

Because they prefer their flesh light.

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What does boobs and toys have in common?

They’re made for kids but daddies end up playing with them.

Andy’s Mom in Toy Story probably has toys too.

They may even be called Woody and Buzz.

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There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.

It was SpaceXXX.

Dad: I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why are you doing that?
Dad: So you don't get bored there.

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys.

They probably have the same names

Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?

Aisle B, back.

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

I got one of those Humpty Dumpty toys from Aldi.

It’s brilliant.

It comes with Aldi King’s horses and Aldi King’s men.

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What's the deal with 'adult toys'?

I mean they always refer to things you can shove up your asshole, but never like a big race car for grown ups!

I bought my 2 year old son some toys from the movie Toy Story.

It seemed like a good idea at the time because he loved those movies. Turns out, he didn't like the toys. Wailing, he threw a figurine at the wall, shattering it.


It was a total buzzkill.

Stop sending toys to children in Africa

It's gotta be depressing, getting a Tamagotchi that will outlive you.

I just donated all your toys to the orphanage

Dad : I just donated all your toys to the orphanage

Son: Why?

Dad: So you'll have something to play with when i take you there.

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I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes

[Obligatory edit: top submitted post is about butt plugs. Wowza! Also, thank you, kind Redditor for the gold! I can't believe a gilded joke is about sex toys :)]

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I finally tried one of those male masturbation toys...

It sucked!!!

If Toys-R-Us sells toys

Then Babies-R-Us must sell babies

Why do cuddly toys never eat?

Because they are stuffed

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the n...

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

How can Santa afford all the toys he hands out?

With the money he makes off his ho-ho-hos.

Dad finds a BDSM toys set in his daughter's room

"Well, I'm assuming that punishing you is pointless..."

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Why do Frogs make for good sex toys?

They’re ribbited for your pleasure.

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What do you call the fungus that grows on sex toys?

Dildew.

When four of Santa's elves got sick...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When went to harness the reindeer, he fou...

Toys R Us

Said the stuffed Yoda doll to its stuffed padawans.

Titles of books you probably don't want your kid to read.

"You're Different and That's Bad."

"Why cant Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Socket be Friends?"

"Let's Find and Play With Mommy and Daddy's Toys."

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I'm pretty careless about maintaining my sex toys

Although when it comes to cleaning butt plugs, I'm anal-retentive.

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Sex toys really get me!

They know me inside out!

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Why are boobs like toys?

They’re meant for kids but dad can’t keep his hands off of them.

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Girls can own as many sex toys as they like to without any repercussion

But when a guy own a single dildo they're instantly gay.

Yes, Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys

But Woody?

Two elves are winding down in the North Pole bar after a long day of making toys.

After downing some shots of peppermint schnapps, the first elf says to the second, “That COVID outbreak in China has really messed up the toy production schedule. I don’t think Santa has ever pushed us so hard!”.

The second one added, “Yeah, things were so bad today that Rudolph and Blitzen...

Which Lord of the Rings character was upset because he had no toys to play with?

Legoless.

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A Muslim started a line of sex toys ...

He specializes in blow up dolls.

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What do tooth brushes and sex toys have in common?

They're better when they vibrate.

A father notices his son has a lot of new toys lately

he asks the boy how come he can afford them.

son: "Because of my hiking."

dad: "Hiking?, how do you get money by hiking?"

son: "There's this man that comes to visit mum a couple of times a week, while you're at work, he always gives me $10 and tells me to take a hike."

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My dog bit my bf so I had to put him down. I am crying while going through his toys.

The motherfucker was on three dating sites. I saw it on his cellphone.

NSFW: My wife suggested bringing toys into the bedroom to spice things up.

So I fisted her with hulk hands.

How do you buy unlimited kid's toys?

Well first, you add a kid's item to your cart.

And then another...

And then another...

Add infant item

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Did you hear ISIS secretly makes sex toys?

They specialise in blow up dolls

Why couldn’t the North Pole make enough toys this year?

Because they are short-staffed!

When I die I’m leaving my body to “Toys For Tots”.

I think children all over the world will behave a whole lot better if they knew that if they were bad Santa might bring them a rotting corpse for Christmas.

At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Sa...

Toys R Us

More like Toys Were Us (insert depressing drum roll here)

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After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen

After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen from a lorry in Kettering, police say the suspects may be sitting on the evidence and it’s unlikely they’ll come quietly.

Retailers have pulled all the Darth Vader toys from their shelves...

Apparently they are a choking hazard.

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What does Kendrick Lamar say when loaning out his sex toys?

Bitch don't kill my vibe.

It's fairly normal if you talk to your dolls and toys.

It's totally not if they talk back.

Why can't toys made from paper move

Because they are stationary.

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I've started a non-profit that delivers dildos and vibrators to women in need...

It's called "Toys for Twats".

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

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Toy Story felt was so incomplete.

Who let the sex toys out?

If Toys R Us had a book,

Chapter 11 would be named "bankruptcy"

My best 'adult' toys are made in Ireland.

They're my 'O' tools.

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My patent for a gold-plated butt plug got rejected

Apparently Apple has cornered the market on expensive toys for assholes.

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As Santa was putting out the toys, the beautiful lady of the house appeared wearing a robe.

“Santa, stay with me” she said.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Have to deliver the toys to all the children you know!”

“Please Santa. Stay with me” she cooed, opening her robe to reveal the sheer nightie underneath.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Ha...

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A man was walking along a street, and happened to notice a sex shop.

'We have something for everyone!', the sign read.

His curiosity piqued, he walked in. The shopkeeper greeted the man, and offered a variety of toys. The man said, 'I am married, but you know, we don't really do it frequently'.

The shopkeeper said, 'I have just the thing for you.'
...

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Where do priests buy their sex toys?

At Boys R Us

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What is another name for Male Sex Toys or Technology you use?

Erectronics

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My friend has a lucrative business supplying batteries for sex toys at the coast.

She sells C cells by the sea shore.

Why did the toy company stop donating toys to kids in Africa?

Because it's pretty depressing to have a Tamagotchi that'll out-live you.

My​ wife wanted to use toys in the bedroom

All I can say is there was lego everywhere

A man takes a job at a you factory

He is hired on to work the production line for Tickle me Elmo. He settles into his position, is given a quick set of instructions by his new supervisor and set to work. After finishing the instructions, the supervisor says: "It's super easy. Let me know if you have any questions. I'm check back in ...

A child psychologist had twin boys

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games.

In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings. That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying. “What’s wr...

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Fluffy Toys

A guy met a girl at a nightclub and she invited him
back to her place for the night. She still lived with
her parents, but they were out of town, so this was
the perfect opportunity.

They got back to her house and they went into her bedroom.
When guy walked in the door, he notice...

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Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

I had a rough childhood. I couldn't play with toys that required supervision

I only had regular vision

Why wouldn't the lobster share his toys?

Because he was... shellfish.


hahahaha

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