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The Idiot Jokes

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say “it is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting “

The police captain says “you can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is”

I saw a bumper sticker today that said, "Beware of the idiot that's behind me."

I decided to follow him until I could figure out who the idiot was!

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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering...

James, please tell me who is the idiot here, you or me?

Well sir, you don't look like a person who would employ an idiot.

Why did the idiot climb over the glass wall?

To see what’s on the other side!

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Why did the idiot sit on a Xerox machine?

His doctor told him he needed a colon ass copy.

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot come before the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks over the three of them and says, "Heaven's getting pretty full, so I can only let one of you in. The other two will have to go to hell." So he snaps his fingers and Satan appears.

Satan says, "Each of you can ask me one question. If you can stump me on the first try, you win, ...

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot arrive at the pearly gates...

...St. Peter says to them" Sorry, heaven is quite full, so we can only let one of you in."
Suddenly "Poof!" Lucifer appears.
Lucifer tells them "You may each ask me one question. If you are able to ask me a question that I cannot answer, you will be allowed into heaven; if not you will be sen...

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A Scientist, Mathematician, and an Idiot are in a car. Crashing into a tree, all three die. They are sent to purgatory, where the Devil is waiting.

(Of course, the idiot was driving)

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist ...

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Why couldn't the idiot be a proctologist?

Because he doesn't know his ass from his elbow.

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Okay, so let me tell you about the idiots I work with...

First off, there's this girl that always follows me around like a puppy. Which isn't so bad because she's pretty hot, but man is she *dumb*. Like, really fucking dumb. She has convinced herself she's going to be a professional model one day and... well I don't see it happening. Needless to say, ...

Where are the idiots?

Every day, Dad drives Johnny to school. One day because of emergency, Mom has to drive.

So while on the road, Johnny looked left and right with a quizzical look. Mom noticed it and asked:

Mom: what's wrong Johnny?

Johnny: I wonder where are the idiots today. When Dad's driving,...

The village of idiots.

There is a village of idiots. Every month the village gathers in the town square, where 3 people from the neighboring town each bring in an object so,the town's folk can guess what it is. It's great fun for the whole town women, men, young and old alike join the festivities. The first person walks t...

Reasons the idiot couldn't kill himself.

He couldn't find the tailpipe on his Tesla.

He jumped in front of a model train.

The bullets wouldn't fit in the squirt gun.

He overdosed on placebo pills.

He jumped off a low bridge.

He stuck a plastic fork in an outlet.

He doused himself in diesel and trie...

Three idiots get lost in the desert......

After walking for hours, they begin to realize they are in trouble knowing they need water very soon. Fortunately for them they happen upon a crashed and deserted car, the first idiot: the radiator must have water, the second idiot the wind shield wiper container must have water, the third idiot doe...

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house.

Knock knock

Who's there?

The chicken

(A joke from ancient Rome) A young idiot is told that it looks like his beard is coming in, so he goes down to the gate to wait for it to arrive.

While he's waiting a friend sees him and asks what he's doing. "I'm waiting for my beard, I was told it was coming in." Says the idiot. "No wonder people call you an idiot" says the friend... "How do you know it's not coming in from the other gate?"

Who's the idiot now?

In ancient Greek the word “idiot” meant anyone who wasn’t a politician.

Today it's the exact opposite.

Ned and Fred, the Idiot Brothers...

Ned & Fred were building a house. Ned was putting up siding. He would take a nail out of his pouch, inspect it, sometimes hammer it in, other times, toss it into the trash.

Fred saw this, went over and said "What are you doing, tossing out perfectly good nails!?"

Ned explained, ...

Why wouldn’t Karen the idiot get her dogs vaccinated?

She was afraid they’d get Pawtism.

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Why did the idiot have sex?

To become a fuckin idiot.

Tomorrow I have to pick up my mate from prison, the idiot got caught stealing a calendar.

It was alright, he only got 12 months.

To the idiot who stole my dictionary

I really have no words for you

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Why did the idiot put peanut butter on the road?

To go with the traffic jam!

I asked my neighbours if they knew who's the idiot that keeps leaving his trash bags in the elevator.

They didn't so for now I'm gonna keep doing that.

The Clinton Democrat and the Idiot

An idiot in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him:

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and repli...

How did the idiot drown drinking water?

The toilet seat fell on his head.

(My boyfriend's brother came up with that one when he was a little tot)

8 year old son's greatest joke

My son told me this joke years ago and it still is my favourite joke. He came home from school one day and says 'Dad, I have a joke for you.' I said, oh yes, let's hear it. Very low expectations at this point. He said 'Why did the chicken cross the road?', I replied with the usual, 'I don't know son...

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Three idiots, from the Midwest, I’ll have to call them idiots because their shenanigans were exactly that, idiotic...

Nothing to do with them being from the Midwest but more to do with the fact that they were midway into their cups.

One summer day as they lay in a field somewhere, taking in some sun, each with a half drunk bottle of wine in them they began to get bored.

Idiot No #1 says to idiots, #2 ...

The King asked one of his advisors to find the biggest five idiots in the kingdom and bring them to him within a month.

King Bob asked his advisor Simon to look for five biggest idiots in his state and produce them in his court within a month.
After a month's extensive search operations, Simon brought to the court only two people!

"But I asked for five," King Bob shouted angrily.

"Give me a chance to...

Have you seen the one about the idiots with bad jokes?

Yep, Reddit.

A wife gives her husband a cheating test.

A man's wife wanted to know how her husband would react if she was to just up and leave one day so she came up with a way to trick her husband into thinking she had left. She wrote a note saying how she was tired of living with him and doesn't want to put up with him anymore. She left the note on t...

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