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Terrorists Jokes

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One day, terrorists attacked a village [NSFW]

Warning : A joke from my own language. Terrible grammar ahead.

They took the men of village as hostages. The head of terrorists wanted to have some fun this time. He called the wives of the men to the camp of terrorists. He put bandage to women's eyes and told men to lose their pants. Terrori...

Chuck Norris got ambushed by terrorists with a $5,000,000 ransom

If the money wasn’t paid within 24 hours, the terrorists would be beheaded

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists!

I heard it on the radio while I was driving down the freeway on my way to work. But then I was stuck in traffic.

Some guys came up to my car, knocked on my window and said "Sir, as you must have heard, Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists! They have demanded a 50 Billion dollar rans...

Terrorists

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Cars were at a stand still. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and t...

Where do terrorists go when they die?

Everywhere

Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians...

They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.

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What's a terrorists favorite drink?

A molotov cocktail

How many terrorists jokes are out there?

You'll have to c-4 yourself.

When I heard that terrorists were killing farmers by putting C4 in their cattle I was horrified...

It's abombinabull!

I made a joke about terrorists last week

It really blew up

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Don't die a virgin.

Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you.

Some soldiers were chasing some terrorists!

Some soldiers were chasing some terrorists,

The terrorists run away and come across a large meadow with a well in the middle and, a forest at the end. They decided to hide in the well.

When the soldiers came by, they started discussing where the terrorists could have escaped, one thoug...

Oh No! Not ELON!

Man is driving along the freeway when he is stopped by a huge traffic jam.

After sitting there for quite a long time, he sees another man walking from car-to-car.

The second man finally gets up to his car. He rolls down the window....

"Hey man, what's going on up ahead?"
...

A CIA Agent, KGB spy and AISE operative were sent to infiltrate a terrorist cell.

The terrorists figured out the three were infiltrators and thus captured them.

The terrorists decided to torture the three infiltrators. They started with the CIA agent.

“Do not worry, for I have been trained in the United State’s most insidious enhanced interrogation techniques and h...

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar

The waiter asks them what the discussion was about.

Terrorist: We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey.

Waiter: Why a donkey?

Then one terrorist says to the other, “See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people”.

What do you call a group of terrorists in a pool?

A bath bomb!!!

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One day a group of terrorists took over a small village...

I fully acknowledge I first read this joke on Reddit many years ago. But since I haven't seen it posted in a long time, and it's been one of my favorite jokes, I'll give my best retelling of it-

So one day a group of terrorists took over a small village in the middle east. And being the evi...

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A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says "Talking Dog: $10:

He walks up to the gate, and there's a beautiful labrador retriever in the front yard.

"Hello, how are you?" says the dog.

"Oh my goodness. You really can talk!"

"Yep, sure can," says the dog.

"So what's your story?" he asks.

"Well, I discovered I could talk when ...

I was held captive by some French-Canadian terrorists...

They forced me to eat hundreds of meat pies.

It was tourtière.

Where do terrorists go for a drink?

At the Allahu-ak Bar

Congress has been hijacked by terrorists:

Washington DC is at a standstill and traffic is stuck in gridlock.

A man in a car is waiting patiently for the traffic to clear up but doesn't understand why it's there in the first place.

Another man is walking down the side of the highway with a bucket knocking on people's windows an...

Why do terrorists hate telemarketers?

The telemarketers keep blowing up their phones at meetings.

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Local terrorists used school as hostage.

The quiet kid at school: “You picked the wrong school motherfuckers.”

So, if terrorists had kids...

Would they say “Here comes the Airplane!” and just shove the spoon around the child’s face?

What do you call Redneck Terrorists?

Y’all Qaeda

What's a terrorists least favorite wine?

White Infidel

How do terrorists feed their kids?

"Vrroooom here comes the plane." "Vrroooom here comes the second plane."

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A terrorist on a suicide mission

So while the other terrorists were wrapping him with all kind of bombs they looked him in the eye and told him: you're going on a suicide mission so don't fail us. The terrorist replied: I'm prepared to die!!
And so they sent him to the city and he goes to a school and he calls the base: should I...

Do you know how terrorists reassure others?

come on, this will be a total blast!

Apparently calling people terrorists if offensive now.

Ive been told the correct term is government contractors.

Terrorists are mindblowing

Literally

What's the difference between a banjo player terrorist?

Terrorists have sympathizers.

Bonus joke:

What's the difference between a banjo and an AK-47?

>!The AK only repeats thirty times.!<

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What's common between terrorists and prostitutes?

Blowjob.

What do cowardly terrorists and my Reddit posts have in common?

None of them blew up yet

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What do terrorists and masturbating in an airplane have in common?

Hijacking

Dyslexic Terrorists

Showed up on 11-9.

The United States finally outlawed the waterboarding of suspected terrorists!

They have decided to replace it with a more politically correct interrogation method: Tactical Baptism

Heard about the terrorists attack on the coffee shop?

100% arabica

The master plan the terrorists had drafted for Jan 6th

Here's the plan the terrorists came up with that seemed to have worked so brilliantly for everything else they had seen in the internet:

1. Storm the Capitol

2. ???

3. Profit

A terrorist walks into a store

"How much for this bomb?" he asks.

"$500", said the clerk.

"Will you take $450?" asks the terrorist.

"I'm sorry sir," replies the clerk, "We don't negotiate with terrorists."

Two Dumb Terrorists

Two Dumb Terrorists were planting a powerful explosive on a car.

First one says "Careful! Or it'll blow up."

Second one replies "No worries. I've brought an extra just in case."

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What do people that masturbate on mount Everest and terrorists on a plane have in common?

They are all hijacking.

I'm sorry and I will let myself out.

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There was a group of terrorists

And one guy wanted to know how many of them believed in ghosts. He asks the group and everyone raises their hands.
"Hmm, alright, how many people have seen a ghost?" A couple hands go down.
"How many have spoken to one?" More hands go down.
"How many of you guys have touched a ghost?" Som...

What do you call surfing terrorists who commit suicide bombings?

Radical

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Fucking terrorists.

I guess I can't google "nice truck" anymore to find out about the latest pickups on the market....

ISIS has issued a travel warning to terrorists

The terrorist group has urged supporters to avoid “the land of the epidemic”.

Meanwhile in Britain, Ariana Grande concert tickets are selling out a lot faster.

A group of terrorists started a boy band

The group is called bomb squad

What kind of coffee do terrorists hate?

French press.

(Too soon?)

What do Chinese terrorists do at a frat party?

They bro it up!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reporter, a foodie and a commando are captured by terrorists

The terrorist leader tells them that they each get one request.

The reporter says "Well I have been a proud reporter all my life. I would like to make a video and report the situation one last time before I die"

Terrorist says "OK" and allows him to make the report.

Then he asks...

Hawaiian terrorists be like...

Aloha Akbar

What courier do terrorists use?

TNT

What do you call playful insults between terrorists?

Talibanter

Why are terrorists so mean?

Because they don't like Nice people.

Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved "supreme leader".

Now they are demanding 1 billion or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate whatever you can.

P.S. I ve donated 5 litres.

Why do terrorists avoid Indian food?

Cause when you've got C-4 falling out of your ass, the last thing you need is sudden, explosive diarrhoea.

Two terrorists were installing a bomb

One says to another “what will happen if this one explodes while we are installing it?”

The other responds:

“Don’t worry I’m carrying a spare”

Terrorists have an Off-Switch.

It’s in the back of their heads. Use a baseball bat to activate.

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